Snarky and Malarkey both looked at the figures on the stage.
"Mom and Dad?" they said at the same time.
The two older people looked at them.
"Sons!" The woman rushed at them and embraced them both in a massive mother hug. The father walked up more calmly and vigourously shook their hands while also rubbing their bellies.
"Uh, your parents?" asked Stumpy.
"Yes," said Snarky. "Our mom and dad, Flarky and Tarkey Snapdragon."
"They raised us," added Malarkey.
"Yes, I think everyone got that!" barked Snarky.
"I just wanted to contribute," muttered Malarkey.
"So what are you doing here?" asked Snarky. "We've all had these weird adventures in a weirder land, including being kidnapped on a submarine. That's how we got here. Last I knew, you two were at home marking papers or something."
"Well, yes, we were doing that," replied their mother Flarky. "And having a grand old time, too. Sometimes the grades I gave had quite the flourish! But then your father answered a knock at the door. He opened it up, and some men came in. They had a white glowing orb for us to look at, and you know us, we like white glowing orbs, and the next thing we knew...." She trailed off.
Tarkey took up the story. "Next thing we knew, we were on some sort of pirate ship, except all the pirates seemed like incompetent morons." He rubbed his head. "My head's still a little sore. We don't know exactly where this is, except that this town seems about one stiff breeze away from being a garbage dump." He looked around. "Uh, no offence."
Most of the townspeople there shrugged. One guy grimaced and waved a knife around, but that just made other people annoyed, so he was jumped on and pummeled. Several chairs and tables were broken, and at least one man was accidentally wrapped in massive amounts of old cobwebs.
A very tall, spindly man with a battered and dirty top hat on his lumpy head raised his voice.
"People! And other creatures. Enough of this cockamamie swaddle! Let us clear our throats and create space for words that actually achieve some forward motion! In other words, stop crapping around and get down to business."
"OK, I agree with Duzz," said the young woman who had earlier been suspicious of our group and spat on the ground. "We still need to figure out what to do with the treasure mappers, who, let's face it, have become a plague on our fine community."
"Yeah!" piped up the grimacing knife waver, who was still grimacing but also smiling, for some reason. "They wave their stupid maps in our faces and don't even spend money in our restaurants!"
A very short man with one and a half eyes spoke up. "What restaurants?"
The grimacing knife waver grinned madly. "Well, there are some holes in the ground that could be future restaurants."
Snarky looked around this dingy room, with its battered furniture, and at the people, who were also dingy and battered. They don't look like much, he thought, but this is their town and they have the right to have it the way they want and not be bothered by boatloads of thrillseekers who acted like a swarm of locusts.
"I have a plan!" he yelled over the hubbub. Malarkey and their folks looked at him. Stumpy looked at Tinky, or rather the fading form of Tinky.
"Hey!" shouted Stumpy. "Tinky's fading!"
It was true. Tiny little Tinky, intrepid and upbeat, was looking more and more like mist.
"Where ya going?" asked Stumpy, concern in his voice, large feet flapping nervously.
"It's....time. Time I was going home. I knew I couldn't stay with you guys forever. I've had a great time. More adventure than I had ever hoped back home. But I....my people....can't be away from home too long, or we fade away. At first when we fade away, we fade back home, but if we're away too long, or go away too many times, we just fade into nothing. Some say we fade into a hellish place, like the suburbs on a grey Sunday afternoon. Personally, I think we all turn into acorns and grow into trees, but that's just me. I like trees! Anyway, I have things to get back to back home. I forgot to do the dishes."
And with that, little Tinky Dingbat faded into another plane of existence. Snarky, Malarkey, and Stumpy looked sad. Suddenly, there was a little pop in the air, and Tinky came back. "Hey Stumpy!"
Stumpy looked up in astonishment. "Y-yes?"
Tinky farted loudly, a fart that also released a billowing cloud of multi-coloured glitter. "Bye!" And then he was gone for good.
The Snapdragon parents looked both amused and irritated. Tarkey looked at the crowd and spoke.
"You all still need a plan for the treasure mappers. I believe my son Snarky said he had a plan." He looked at Snarky with an expectant look. So did Flarky, but her look was more hopeful.
The entire room looked at Snarky with hope in their mismatched eyes. They were all ready for his plan that would save them all. He looked back. There was one problem. He didn't have a plan. He looked at his brother. Malarkey was about to shrug, then suddenly looked at the crowd and raised his arms.
"People! And other creatures...My brother and I have discussed this plan, and it is a plan." He paused and stroked his chin thoughtfully. He raised a finger. "Does anyone here have a barrel of honey, six bags of yarn, some rusty nails, most of a roll of toilet paper, eight foreign coins, a pair of pants with three legs, and a box of waterproof matches?" He looked around hopefully.
A voice was raised at the back of the crowd. "I do! I have all of those things at my place!" Everyone looked at the man who spoke up.
"Why do you have all these things at your place?" asked the grimacing knife waver.
"Well, I was waiting for someone to start up a restaurant!"
Our group looked confused, but everyone else nodded and smiled.
"Well, what're we waiting for!" everyone yelled at once. "Let's all go over to ol' Harry the Hoarder's place!"
And with that they all trooped out of the town hall building, leaving our group and the Snapdragon parents looking confused.
"Well," said Flarky, "I guess we'd better follow them."
"Yeah", said Snarky. "I'd like to see how this turns out, Malarkey. What the hell were you thinking?"
"Well, you were the one who said he had a plan. I was just saving your ass. Again." They glared at each other.
As they were about to leave the town hall and follow the crowd, Stumpy stumbled over something on the floor. He looked down, bent over, and picked it up. It was a glass eyeball with two pupils. He showed it to everyone and asked if anyone had ever seen something like this before.
The Snapdragon parents looked at each other with alarm.
"Uh," said Tarkey. "We've seen this before. It's what the glowing white orb looked like before it was a glowing white orb, when those men came to the door. One of them plucked out his eye and put it in his palm. It started to glow and expand, and then...." He trailed off.
Snarky looked at the eyeball. "I think we'd better leave it here and get the hell out. Let's scram."
Malarkey took the eyeball from Stumpy. "No, wait. We should take it. Maybe it only worked when someone makes it work. And maybe we can make it work to our advantage. I say we keep it in case we figure it out."
Snarky shrugged. "Whatever."
And so, finally, they trooped out after the townspeople to see exactly how Malarkey's plan would work out. He was the last one to leave, and at the doorway, he paused, and stroked the glass eyeball in his pocket. A faint red gleam sparkled in his eyes.
...to be continued.