The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #13

    "What are we going to do? What are we going to do??" said Stumpy in a panic.

   Snarky punched him on the arm.

   "Ow! Why'd ya do that?" cried Stumpy.

   "Sorry, just reflex," replied Snarky. He patted Stumpy's arm.

   Malarkey looked at the rest of the group. "Well, guys, we're in a pickle. The question remains: how do we get out of the jar?"

   Tinky looked confused. "I never know what you're talking about."

   Malarkey waved his arms around. "We're clearly doomed in several ways unless we get out of this trap! How do we escape? Any ideas?"

   Snarky raised his hand. "I say we grab Stumpy and use him as a battering ram and smash that door down!"

   Everyone---except Stumpy---nodded. 

   "Say, fellas, I don't think that's a very goo--"

   He didn't finish due to him being grabbed and used as a battering ram on the door. The plan worked surprisingly well due to two factors. One, Stumpy's head was astonishingly hard, and two, the door wasn't. It crumpled like aluminum foil. They exited the room of doom, passing the door, which was in agonized pieces, ripped and shredded and torn and beaten. It seemed to look at them pleadingly as they avoided the jagged edges. Their reflections rippled across the uneven surfaces, a distorted mockery of its plight. Eventually, the light faded and it was no more. 

   "Boy, what a weird door," muttered Stumpy.

   Their footsteps echoed in the metal hallways of the submarine as they ran, trying to find some way out. The boat seemed empty. Various objects were strewn around on the floor, so they had to dodge danger as they ran. Nothing made any sense to our intrepid band. All the bits looked like pieces of alien machinery, with unknown functions and design. Snarky pocketed a few of the pieces, because you never know what you'll need in the future. 

   They looked into every room they passed, but they were all packed with junk and didn't look like exits at all. 

   "You know," said Snarky, "I'm beginning to think nothing is as it seems. I mean, except for the two rooms we were in, the rest of this barge looks like a garbage dump. I don't think Della and those other guys are who they say they are, and I don't think this submarine is a submarine. I mean, some of these pieces I picked up just say things like 'haha' and 'whoops' on the back. In fact, I think this wall isn't a wall!" As he said that, he veered into the wall and punched it. The force of his blow ripped a hole into the wall and he fell into a room. It was full of thankfully soft toys to cushion his fall. 

   "Uh, I guess this is a sub." He looked embarrassed. He got up and ran after his companions. 

   After a few minutes and a lot of wrong attempts, they found a door that said, in big neon letters, 'EXIT'. 

   "I think this is the way out!" exclaimed Stumpy, jumping out of the way of Snarky's punch. 

   It was Tinky who was the one who opened the door, which swung wide with a loud screech, revealing a dock. 

   "So I guess this is it, that town Della was talking about. Doesn't look like much." Malarkey looked thoughtful. "Whaddya say, gang? Shall we go?"

   Without any discussion, they all ran out of the submarine and into the town. Malarkey was right: it wasn't anything special. In fact, it looked half finished, like a movie set. Everything was ramshackle, especially the shacks. Nails stuck out of walls, predators waiting for prey. The streets were curiously uneven, as if they were randomly placed. The dominant colour was brown, with some grey splashed in to make it festive. The dwellings, most of which would have to be extensively renovated to achieve the status of hovel, leaned drunkenly against each other.

   "See? I told you. None of this is real!" said Snarky in a loud voice.

   A head poked out of the nearest window. "Not real? My magnificent mansion? That is an insult, sir!" said the voice, which belonged to a small person of indeterminate species. 

   "We just thought that nobody lived here," said Snarky.

   The small person, with a wild mane of dirty, tangled hair, and clothing to match, looked both offended and amused. "Oh, I am very sorry, your majesty, for not rolling out the red carpet to you and your exalted retinue! We've been oh so busy with, you know, living life and all that. I mean, it's tough, you know, what with all the crazy tourists and their stupid treasure maps gallivanting around our town like it's made of cake and today's their birthday! I barely have time to do my hair." The person ruffled their hair like it was a do, and not a don't. 

   "Pardon our rudeness, kind sir or madam," said Malarkey. "We've recently been kidnapped by some of those crazed tourists, and have just escaped this here submarine, which has a time bomb---"

   "Bomb!" yelled everyone. Just then, the bomb went off, but instead of a town-destroying explosion, the only thing that happened was that a small purple cloud of smoke appeared above the submarine, a banner popped up that said 'Happy Anniversary', and a sound very much like a depressed trombone was heard faintly. 

   "Oh, good!" said the disheveled townsperson. "You remembered my anniversary! Now, if I could only remember what it is..."

   The person looked squarely at Malarkey and glared. "Wait, sir or madam? Can't you tell? I am Crackcut Fragga, if you don't mind. I am this town's leading lady and historian. Pardon my attire, my gowns are at the drycleaner." She flounced a little. 

   "Where is everybody else?" asked Snarky. 

   "Oh, they're all at some town meeting, deciding what to finally do about this treasure map madness," said Crackcut. "I would be there, but I had a bout of indigestion. Meetings make me gassy." With that, she let out a small, ladylike fart. Everyone turned green around the gills except Stumpy, who got a dreamy look in his eyes. 

   "We wouldn't mind going to this meeting," said Malarkey. "We've been buffeted around too much. We all have places we want to go, and it doesn't include being hijacked by crazoids. Would you take us there?"

   Crackcut considered the request. "Oh, okay, I guess I could take you there. There was something I wanted to bring up anyway. They can all leave if they don't like the way I smell!" She started walking away and they all followed her.

   It was only a short walk to the town hall, but in that time they saw more of the town than they wanted. It really looked like a vicious storm had attacked it, but Crackcut assured them that wasn't so, and in fact they had spruced it up recently. Everything looked so ominous and dangerous, like the houses themselves were going to attack them. Nothing was more than one storey, and even then they looked ready to collapse. Small strange-looking animals scurried across the streets, hissing at them. The animals had two or three heads each, and the heads hissed at each other when they weren't hissing at everything else. Fur covered their bodies, but unevenly, as if they had gotten a disease and then the disease fled in disgust. Crackcut kicked one that had gotten too close. It flew away with an enraged squeak. 

   "Oh, here we are," she said, pointing to a building. "Town hall." It looked exactly like all the other buildings, except that it was full of people, some of whom were outside, as it was too full inside. She pushed her way in the crowd, farting with each step. Even though everyone looked like they smelled like the dead, they parted for her. One man's head fell off, but his hands picked it up and put it back, although upside down. "Make way! Make way! Very important visitors comin' through!"

   Everyone looked at the newcomers.

   One young woman looked at them and said, "They don't look important to me! They look like more of those treasure mappers!" She spat on the ground. 

   "Hush, child!" said Crackcut. "They ain't no treasure mappers. They have some important news to tell us."

   Our foursome looked at each other worriedly.

   Stumpy spoke first. "We don't have any---" he said before punches from the other three stopped him. Tinky, being very small, had to punch him on the knee, which caused him to stumble. Good thing he had such huge feet, or he would have fallen. 

   By this time, they had reached the middle of the room. There was a raised stage, and a table with six chairs. Only five chairs were occupied, until Crackcut climbed onstage and sat down. 

   None of the other five on stage were familiar to the gang, except to Snarky and Malarkey, who stared. They looked at each other, then back at the stage. They spoke at the same time.

   "Mom and dad?"

...to be continued.

   

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #12

   "Whaddya mean, locked us in?" asked Stumpy. "I can't be locked in! I got, whatchamacallit, allergies."

   "Allergies to being locked in?" asked Snarky.

   "Yeah! Makes me all stuffed up and persnickety. I go bananas like a barrelful of monkeys."

   "I think you're bananas," said Snarky.

   Malarkey, dreading being responsible, held his hands up. "Fellas! Let's hold it together. It's probably just for our safety."

   "Safety?" said Tinky, looking worried. "Against what?" He looked around, as if monsters were lurking under the elegant doilies. 

   "You don't really believe that, do you?" asked Snarky. 

   Malarkey winked and put his finger to his mouth. He mouthed, Someone may be listening.

   Stumpy looked at this game of charades in confusion. "Why are you winking and putting your finger to your mouth?"

   Everyone glared at him. Snarky punched him hard on the arm. 

   "Oww-oww!"

   "Just shut up for once, okay, Stumpy?"

   Everyone looked around their quarters. They truly were luxurious, far nicer than a banged-up submarine should be. Netting on the walls, chairs with ship wheels for backing, stuffed fish that had far too many teeth here and there. It even smelled a little like the sea. 

   "Wow, what's that smell? Seaweed and dead clams?" Stumpy held his nose. "I shall not stand for this outr---" Snarky piled on top of him before he could finish, pummelling him mercilessly.

   "Look, gentle..." Malarkey looked at his companions, bedraggled and dopey-looking, and continued,"....Look, men, we're in a tight situation, see, and we've gotta use our domes to squeeze out."

   "Why are you talking like that?" asked Tinky.

   "And how are we gonna use our domes? You mean our heads? To bash out through the door?" Stumpy backed off before Snarky could pick him up and use him like a battering ram.

   "No, I mean we have to use our brains to think our way out of this problem," said Malarkey. 

   "With this group?" said Snarky with a grimace.

   "Everything's really blue in here...." said Tinky, looking around. 

   Malarkey continued. "Let's look around and see what we can find."

   Everybody started prodding through the decorations and furniture. They discovered that while it looked nice, on further inspection it was all kind of cheaply made. It felt rough, and little bits flaked off. 

   "What a dump," muttered Snarky.

   "Hey! Look what I found!" exclaimed Tinky, who was at the far wall. They all ambled over.

   Tinky had pulled aside a small table that was in front of a wall hanging, a tapestry of an ocean scene, all whales and seagulls and mermaids, frolicking together with knives in their mouths. Behind it was an old rusty door, only about half the size of a normal one. For Tinky and Stumpy, it looked fine, but Snarky and Malarkey knew they'd have to duck if they went through it. They both knew that of course they were going through it. The story demanded it. Cruel author.

   A low pounding sound, like drums except the drums were made of skulls, began to throb louder and louder. The door to their chamber began to open slowly. A thin beam of red light burst inside. Tinky screamed, Stumpy pissed himself, and Snarky and Malarkey looked at each other. A hairy, gnarled foot poked inside. The door creaked open.

   It was one of Della's large henchmen, carrying a tray. 

   He smiled at them while also managing to look murderous. 

   "After dinner mint?"

   Silence.

   "We haven't eaten yet," said Snarky. "In case you haven't noticed."

   The henchman's eyes roamed around. Bushy eyebrows rose up, as if it was all a surprise. A small laugh trickled out of his mouth.

   "Oh yes, pardon me, I am not expert in social niceties. I realize there is a certain...order...to things. Forgive me. I shall exit henceforth." With that, he backed slowly out of the room. The door clicked shut, with a further sound that let them know the lock had turned again.

   They all looked at each other. 

   "What was that all about?" said Stumpy.

   "More weirdness," replied Snarky.

   Malarkey turned back to the small, hidden door. "I think we should see where this leads." He gripped the doorknob and pulled. Nothing happened. He pulled again and with a small scream and a cloud of rust, it opened. They peered in. Darkness.

   "I ain't going in there!" said Stumpy. Of course the other three shoved him in.

   He yelled and fell to the floor. 

   "It's dark in here. Really dark. What's that on the floor? Ouch! It bit me! No, wait, I just stubbed my finger. Are those eyes staring at me? Do I hear teeth gnashing? What's that heavy breathing---" He didn't finish, because the heavy breathing was his companions, impatiently shoving past him. 

   "Get up!" they all said.

   The narrow, dark corridor seemed to go on forever, although it was actually not very long. When you're in the dark in a dangerous place, you tend to exaggerate the fear. Not that any of them were afraid. Not this intrepid band.

   At long last, and after Stumpy had been run over at least six times, they came to another door. Well, they banged into a wall and figured it must be a door, especially after they found a knob.

   "Hey! That's my nose!" Stumpy said after the first mistaken grab.

   They opened the door slowly...to reveal another room, not unlike the one they had left. It had one big difference, though. Della was there.

   "Hi, fellows. Come on in. Took you long enough." She smiled.

   They tumbled in. 

   "All right, lady. What's going on?" said Snarky with a snarl.

   "Patience, patience. I told you all would be revealed. Please, have a seat."

   After they had all taken a seat, Della began her story.

   "Once upon a time, when I was a little girl..."

   Snarky broke in. "Is this going to take all day? We have adventures to go on!"

   She frowned. "Well, in the interest of brevity, plus the fact that bad people are around, I'll shorten it up. Anyway, after a life of peace and quiet, I decided I wanted some adventure. Not unlike you." She looked at each one of them. "Although your adventure seems to have happened to you, like falling off a cliff."

   "You can say that again," said Stumpy. "I can't wait to get back home."

   "Anyway," she continued, pushing some hair behind her ear, "I set off from home with a small amount of money in my pocket, a small suitcase with some clothes, and my hopes and dreams."

   Snarky and Malarkey rolled their eyes a bit.

   "This isn't going to be like a stupid TV movie, is it?" said Snarky.

   "No," she frowned, "more like a horror movie. Plenty of danger."

   "Oh, goody!" said Tinky. 

   "At first it was fun. I met a lot of interesting people," Della said. "At one place, a bar in the tropics, I met a group of young people, kids really, who said they had a treasure map. Treasure map! Well, that sounded exciting! So I fell in with them, following them as they roamed this large group of islands, most of which were small and uninhabited. There were rumours of cannibals, of course, but we laughed them off. That only happened in stories. As the weeks went on, and we were no closer to the treasure, I began to notice things. One, they weren't as young as I thought. They were just small people with young faces, but the faces were hard edged, like they'd lived a long life and had done a lot of bad things. Also, the rumours of cannibals weren't rumours. We encountered some people who, if they weren't cannibals, probably wouldn't mind killing us, and drinking our blood from our skulls. They didn't look like they were native to the islands, though. They looked more like....tourists who had gone feral. We started finding evidence on islands of terrible rituals and mass deaths. One night, one of our group disappeared, never to be found again. The rest of them didn't seem to notice. I mentioned it, but they shrugged and resumed getting back in our boat. Ah, the boat. I assumed it was theirs, something they had worked for, saved up and bought, but they didn't really seem to know how to sail it, and it was mostly up to me. I had sailed with my family when I was young, at our summer home on the lake, that is until...until..." She stopped to wipe a tear away.

   She continued. "I asked them if we were getting closer to the treasure. They snapped at me and said I was along to sail the boat, not to ask questions. One night, though, when everyone else was asleep, one of them came to me and told me not to be too upset. They had been looking for this treasure for a long time, and never seemed to come any closer. It was making everyone short-tempered. They used to all be jolly fun-seekers, he said wistfully, it was all a lark, until this damn treasure started to control them. He asked me what year it was. When I told him, he was surprised. That much time had passed? he said. It seems like we've been in these islands forever. Again, he looked deeply sad. Why don't you give it up? I asked him. What, and give up show biz? he said. A dumb joke, he said. It's too late for us, but you---you should escape. Get away from the madness while you still can. So I did. At the next island was a small town, a village really, and I slipped away and got on another boat, one that was going far from the islands. I thought I had left it all behind, the treasure map madness. Maybe there wasn't a treasure after all. Maybe they were all just crazy, going around in circles. I don't know. I told the story to two men on the new ship. They seemed polite and friendly, and more amused by my experience than anything. They asked about my sailing skills. They said they had a submarine, something they had received from a man who owed them a debt but had no money, only this submarine."

   She paused to take a sip of water.

   "I wanted to get away, and this seemed like a calmer adventure. No crazy dreams of treasure, just piloting a boat underwater. Seems kind of crazy, too, but not that bad. So I went along with it. At first it was okay, we just sort of roamed the oceans for a while. Put into port for supplies and recreation. But then they started to act....strangely. They kept asking me more and more about the treasure. Did I know what it was? Surely I had to have some idea of where it was, or wasn't? I kept telling them I didn't know. I knew, of course, that they were mad, too. Mad with treasure fever. One night one of them let slip that the group I had left behind was in fact their cousins! They had heard about the mad quest, of course, but had contempt. Thought they were a bunch of bozos. We were smart, they said. We'd use scientific methods to find this treasure! Not just sailing around a bunch of islands like moths around a flame, bashing their heads in. So that's what I'm doing on this sub. Helping them. I want to escape and go home, but they're wily. You have to help me." She said this last thing with a pleading look in her eyes.

   "Why should we trust you? How do we know you're not as mad as them?" said Malarkey.

   "If I wasn't on your side, would I give you this?" she said. She pulled out a gun from her pocket. At least it looked like a gun, but with extra bits sticking out. "It's an energy weapon. I stole it from them. They have a whole room full of things like this. Take it!"

   "And what are we supposed  to do with it? Kill them? We're not murderers!" said Snarky.

   "Oh, it won't kill anybody. Not if you set it to stun. See, this switch right here...", she showed them.

   "Why don't you do it yourself?" asked Malarkey.

   "They watch me all the time. But you, you're new. They think you're....uh....well, they think you're idiots. No offence." She grinned sadly. "You can take them by surprise."

   None of the group wanted to stay prisoners on this underwater boat, so they began to consider it. 

   "When are we supposed to use this?" asked Snarky.

   The door to this room began to open. Della tossed to the weapon to Snarky, who caught it awkwardly.

   "Now would be a good time!" she muttered.

   She turned to the door as the two large men entered. "Gentlemen! I have prepared our subjects for the experiment." She looked significantly at Snarky. 

   "Experiment?" said Tinky.

   She laughed. "Hahaha! They are truly ignorant. Their minds are so soft and useless it would be no loss to erase and replace them with better minds! Pliable minds."

   Our group looked confused. Della kept staring at Snarky, raising her eyebrows slightly. She waved her hands at the two men. "The time is at hand! The time to do this is now!"

   She screamed at Snarky. "Now!"

   Snarky was so startled that his finger squeezed the trigger and a beam of white light came out, bathing the two. They crumpled to the ground, paralyzed.

   Della walked up to them to check. She kicked them in their sides, hard. Nothing.  She turned to the group.

   "We don't have much time. The effect will wear off in an hour or so, and the time bomb will go off before then."

   "Time bomb!" they said in one voice.

   "Yes. We're close to a port. Let's get off then and disappear into the town. You'll like it. It's full of people like you." She grabbed the gun back from Snarky. She smiled a little smile.

   "These idiots had no idea how to find the treasure. Neither did the other idiots I was with before. But I've studied all the maps and I know exactly where it is!" She looked at them. "I am sorry I had to deceive you, but I still need you. And I am sorry for doing this."

   She went to the door and stood there before she added, "I'll come get you in half an hour. We'll be at port then."

   She then slipped out and locked the door behind her. 

   The group looked at each other. 

   "Aw, fuck," said Snarky.

...to be continued.

   

   

   

   

   

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #11

    After they had gorged on the onion and badger anus sandwiches with insect husks (actually they were peanut butter and jellied eyes, which is a bit better, I suppose), they settled in to the journey. 

   They tried singing songs about boating, but all they knew was one about throwing rocks at people and laughing. They tried to adapt it to their situation, but nothing rhymes with "stupid asshole". Malarkey's wound had stopped bleeding, but for a couple hours he fancied he was turning into a skeleton. Snarky pointed out that everyone had a skeleton inside them, but Malarkey punched him on the arm. 

   Just when everyone was getting really bored and about to take a vote on who to cannibalize first, a bird came screaming out of the sky at them. Well, it wasn't really screaming. It was its birdcall, but one of those really annoying ones, like people who can't help talking at you with a loud screechy nasal voice. The bird, some sort of green and black one, landed on Tinky's head. 

   "Augh!" he screamed, and batted at the bird with his hands. The bird just calmly pecked at his fingers.

   "I say, old chap, would you kindly stop doing that? Most rude." The bird preened its feathers while everyone stared at it. It then flapped off Tinky's head and settled on the rim of the boat.

   "A talking bird?" gaped Stumpy, his flappy feet flapping nervously.

   "Yes, quite. Obviously. I say, are all of you doing all right?" said the bird.

   They kept staring.

   The bird continued. "You know, well-fed, happy, no serious injuries?"

   Malarkey looked at his leg. "Well..."

   "So nothing then. Good, good." The bird flapped its wings a bit. "Oh, how rude of me. Let me introduce myself. I am called Sir Wredrick Wrobley Wren-Wright. The third." He bowed.

   "Anyone got a match?" said Snarky. "I feel like having some fried chicken."

   Sir W flapped up out of reach of the ravening crowd. "Now, now! Let's not be hasty! After all, you've only been on the river for two days."

   "You try eating sticky eyeball sandwiches, see how you like it!" snarled Snarky.

   "I can tell you where to get some better food, if you'll stop grasping for my tender bits."

   "Oh yeah? Where? I don't see anything but water and distant trees as far as the eye can see!" said Malarkey. "This epic quest sucks."

   "Well, do any of you have any sort of weapon?" said Sir W.

   "Why---"started Stumpy.

   Before anyone could speak, a huge fish or some other monster burst from the water in front of them. It seemed to have too many fins and a ridiculous amount of teeth. Strangely, it only had one big eye, and that was topped with a bushy eyebrow. At the top of its arc, it bellowed something that was probably rude, but with a mouth full of water and jagged teeth, it was hard to tell.

   "Get it! Get it now!" yelled Sir W, who started firing small, thin knives at the beast. 

   Snarky and Tinky threw half-eaten sandwiches. 

   Sir W kept firing the knives at the fish. Where he stored them could not be explained here or even later, really. They just kept a-comin'. They hit the target over and over, sticky fish blood spurting out and forming a rainbow in the air. The creature bellowed in pain and thrashed its fins and rolled its one eye. The bird kept yelling battle cries as it fired knife after deadly slim knife. 

   After a minute of this, Sir W stopped. "Why aren't you chaps attacking? The beast is good eating!"

   "Well, uh," said Snarky. "First of all, the fish thing is just sort of hanging in the air without coming back to the water. Second it doesn't seem to be hurt at all. And third, where are you getting all those knives from?"

   "Yeah, this seems very suspicious," added Malarkey.

   The bird sighed. "Oh, all right. You got me, folks. It was all an elaborate scheme."

   "Scheme? For what?" asked Stumpy, flapping his feet.

   "A promotion for my new venture---Sir W's Fun Emporium! Thrills, chills, and spills! You're in constant danger of dying, but it's all just for fun! Almost nobody will actually die. What do you think?"

   "I think it sounds stupid. There are real monsters trying to really kill us," said Snarky. "Why would people pay you for that?"

   "Pay? Oh drat! I knew I forgot something," said the bird.

   The fish turned in the air. A small door popped open just above its eye and a small bird-like woman poked her head out. "What? I thought you said you'd have it all figured out! I thought you said this idea was what it would take to finally enable us to buy that cottage in the country!" She got back in the fish, which was actually some sort of flying vehicle, and turned the machine so it faced Sir W. Little motors revved. 

   "Dear," began the bird. He took one look at our crew, then flapped wildly away into the sky, chased by the deranged fish plane. They all watched until they became two small specks and then disappeared.

   "Well, does anyone know if we saw that or hallucinated it?" asked Stumpy.

   "Who cares," growled Snarky. "We need to find---wait, what are we doing on the river anyway? Your dad just shoved us in this boat without telling us where to go."

   "Uh, I dunno..."

   "Your father was just trying to get rid of us!" exploded Snarky.

   "This sucks," grumped Tinky. "I am not amused."

   There was no point in arguing. They all knew that. The day was sunny and hot, and water was wet, the river was wide, and nothing was seen on the shores except trees and the occasional boulder. The area was hilly, which led to them feeling more crowded in by the environment and their situation. They tried to pass the time by playing cards, but since they had no cards, they tried the honour system. Everybody was too grumpy to play fair, which caused arguments and a couple fist fights. Eventually everyone became exhausted and just lay back in the boat. End of day two.

   They all slept through the night. During the night, several flying creatures, too ugly to be called birds, flew around them and stared. When they left, swimming creatures who didn't normally live in the river but now thought it was probably wiser these days, swam up to the boat and also looked at the sleeping group. All of these animals stared very hard and muttered to themselves, and then left. 

   The first rays of hot rising sun hit the sleeping figures and one by one they reluctantly awoke. The river was still the river, the empty shores were still empty, and the boat was still slowly leaking. 

   "Hey! The boat's leaking! Did anybody else notice this?" said Snarky.

   Everyone else noticed that they were all wet. They quickly got up and started cupping handfuls of water and started bailing. It was no good. The boat had leaked steadily during the night and now was barely above water. They tried paddling towards shore, but half of them paddled one way, half the other, and then the paddles broke. 

   "Hey, I think these paddles were just made of bread!" said Malarkey.

   Small river turtles snapped up the soggy bread bits.

   "We're doomed!" cried Tinky. Nobody punched his arm because they were all thinking the same thing.

   Suddenly, a huge whale surfaced beside them. It was black and had red racing stripes. A whale with red racing stripes isn't a whale, it's a submarine.

   "Hey! This isn't a whale! It's a something breen," said Stumpy.

   Submarine!

   "Oh yeah, a submarine." He looked at the rest. "What's a submarine?"

   It was so close that Snarky leaned over and rapped on it. It made a loud metallic sound which echoed quietly inside it.

   A hatch opened on its head, and a figure appeared. It was probably a woman, but who knew in these times of mutations. It might have been a talking bumblebee. The figure spoke.

   "Hi! I'm Della Scaramouche. Get inside, quickly! I think you're going to sink in a couple minutes." She disappeared back inside.

   Tinky leaped out of the boat and onto the whale sub. "C'mon, guys. Let's go."

   Snarky and Malarkey looked at each other, shrugged, and followed. "Might as well."

   Stumpy looked fearful. "But what if she's evil and there are little land piranhas in there? I don't wanna get eaten!"

   Snarky looked back before he got in the sub. "Well, you will die if you stay in the leaky boat. You only might die if you get in here. Your choice."

   Well, that's no choice at all, and Stumpy knew it, but he didn't want to get left behind. Besides, river piranhas are much more dangerous. Land piranhas didn't have very sharp teeth, so it took a lot longer to chew you to death, and while they were doing it, you had time to find a large object to bludgeon it with. 

   When Stumpy had descended into the submarine, he saw all his travelling companions gathered around in a cluster. In front of them was Della and she had two friends. Neither of them looked friendly, in fact, they looked pretty evil. 

   "I knew it!" yelled Stumpy. "Land piranhas or something worse!"

   "Hey, calm down, guy," said Malarkey. "They're not evil. They just have resting evil face."

   They two large men beside Della burst into smiles. "Welcome!"

   Della spoke. "Well, we'll get you all fed and watered and all that, but we don't have much time. Things are afoot, and we have to get out of this river. It may seem tranquil and even a little boring, but it's full of danger. You didn't know this because you were all asleep, but in the night your enemies were checking you out. We don't think they meant to harm you then, but if you were still on the river another night, who knows."

   "What's this all about?" asked Snarky. "We've been roaming through the land at random, and people keep suggesting there's more to know, but nobody will tell us."

   "All in good time," assured Della. "There is much to tell." She started walking down the corridor. "But first you should get some food and rest."

   She stopped in front of a door. "Here are your quarters. We'll come get you after you wash up. This isn't your ordinary submarine---"

   "I still don't know what one is," said Stumpy grumpily.

   "---and you'll find it relatively luxurious."

   They all filed into the room, which was surprisingly big and elegantly decorated in a nautical theme. 

   "See you soon," said Della, and closed the door.

   Which made a loud click as it shut.

   Malarkey went over and checked the handle.

   "Hey, guys. I think she locked us in."

...to be continued.

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

    

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #10

   "So," said Mayor Rumpy. "What have you been up to?" He looked at Stumpy with a smile. He spread his arms around his house. He bobbed his head. He put a finger up to his ear, hesitated, then dropped the finger.
   Everyone stood around silently in the silence. Even the dust hugged the walls.
   "Well," started Stumpy.
   Tinky spoke up. "What a cool place you have here! It's all yours? And you're the mayor, too? Is that your wife? Why does she look like that?" He would have gone on, but Malarkey elbowed him so hard he fell over.
   "Actually, dad, we're passing through. I had no idea this village was here, or that I had any family at all. But things are starting to come back to me...It's like my memory was suppressed." He looked at his feet. "Normal feet. For me, anyway."
   "Well, you are home, son," piped up his mother, called Zumpy. "We were wondering when you'd come back." She beamed, but her husband's eyes looked a little jumpy.
   "Er, son, the memory loss was partially my fault. Y'see, after that strange light appeared in the eastern sky....well, actually it was before that. The light just made the plans go faster."
   Stumpy looked at his father. "Plans? What plans?"
   Mother and father looked at each other.
   "Well, y'see, we kinda knew something was going to happen to make the world go bonkers. We didn't know exactly what, just that something was going to happen. We had to prepare you. Of all the people in our village, you were the only one with the ability to deal with all this," said his pop.
   "Because I am naturally intelligent, gifted, and handsome?" replied Stumpy. Snarky guffawed a little. Stumpy stepped on his foot. Snarky cried out in pain, whirled around, bumped into Malarkey, who fell on Tinky, who was pressed into the dirt floor. The dirt was only a thin layer above some even thinner wood, and he fell through that into a small basement. Three glowing skeletons were playing cards at a rickety table. They looked at him. He backed away. They beckoned. He joined them as a fourth.
   "Well, uh, yeah, that, but also because of your ability to...how shall I put it...look before you leap? We needed someone who would run towards danger without really knowing there was danger ahead." The Mayor looked a little sheepish.
   Snarky perked up. "He said you're an idjit!"
   "No no no!" cried Zumpy. "He's brave, courageous, fearless!"
   "And just a little dumb," added the Mayor.
   Stumpy didn't even look mad. "Hey, it's all right. I know I'm not Albert Eyeslide. You really thought I was the best for the job?" He looked pleased.
   "But wait," he said, looking thoughtful, lower lip pushed out. "Why would you give me this fantastic mission, but not tell me what it was or that I was doing it?"
   Snarky piped up again. "Because they thought you'd mess it up, dorkosaurus!"
   "We didn't," began Snarky's father, pulling himself up to his full short,"want him to be distracted by needless worries! Anyway, his full memory would have come back when he was close enough to his goal."
   "But how would you know when that was?" asked Stumpy. "Since the light and all the weirdness that's happened since, everyone's been wandering around, not knowing what's going on, afraid that some weird monster was going to get them. We've just been headed toward the east because we have nothing better to do."
   "And that's how most grand quests and adventures usually start. People randomly wandering around getting into trouble, and then having to get out of trouble." The Mayor looked pleased. He'd have to add that to his book of pithy sayings. He read from it every week to the people of the village. They seemed to enjoy it, except for the skeletons. Scrawny bastards were hard to impress.
   "So you really come from a family that has no idea about anything, huh?" Snarky chuckled.
   "Shut up!" yelled Stumpy. He jumped Snarky and began pummelling him. "I am a hero on a quest! You can suck dirty ditchwater!"
   Snarky threw Stumpy off, who landed in the corner. "Calm down, circus clown! I didn't say it wasn't cool."
   Stumpy's mother rustled in. "All of you must be hungry. Let me see what we have to eat."
   The plucky troupe was a little bedraggled. Dust covered them all, and their clothes had seen better days.
   In less time than you'd think, they were all seated at the table, eating and drinking. The food was plain and smelled weird, but it kept the people of the village alive. The drink was some sort of weak liquor that didn't get you drunk, but it made you think you were. The house was simple but spacious, with a main room for living, a kitchen, and a bedroom at the back. There was no bathroom; people just filled the empty houses with their effluent. That was another reason people didn't occupy the unoccupied houses. Of course, maybe people thought they were haunted because they smelled so awful. Who knows? People with feet that big can't have big brains, or so they said at the neighbouring village, but those people had funny little short arms and were frustrated by the simplest of activities, like tying their shoes, or wiping their asses. Talk about a smelly village.
   As they were finishing eating, and telling stories about their journey, Tinky wandered up from the basement.
   "Where the hell were you?" asked Snarky, chewing on something that was probably a leg but he wasn't sure.
   "I was playing poker with the skeletons in the basement. I lost a lot of money. Talk about poker faces!"
   "You have money?" said Malarkey. "You've been holding out?"
   "Of course I don't have any money. They're skeletons. I handed them playing cards and told them it was money."
   Everyone laughed and laughed. The skeletons marched past and stared at everyone. One by one they pointed a bony finger and nodded. It sounded like a symphony of poorly-tuned pianos. The skeletons were swearing revenge on their enemies, but the people didn't know that. It didn't really matter, because skeletons have terrible memories, due partly to not having meaty brain tissue, but also because they got high a lot.
   "So, Mayor dad, what do we do now? Is the quest still on?" asked Stumpy, flapping his feet in the way all the people in the village did after a big meal.
   "Of course! It's even more vital than it was yesterday, which was more vital than the day before that....well, you get the idea."
   "Are you going to outfit us with supplies and weapons?" Stumpy looked hopeful.
   "Well, not exactly. We are a poor village, as you can see. We barely have enough for ourselves. And while it's been a real bowl of oranges to see you, we didn't expect you to come this way. We thought you'd go the northern route. Fewer monsters that way." Mayor Rumpy looked pleased for some reason.
   "Fewer monsters? There are monsters everywhere!" said Snarky.
   "Yes, well, I guess they're a little more polite about chewing your raw guts. I don't know. I'm just the mayor!"
   Stumpy's mother Zumpy spoke. "Your father didn't want to mention it, but I think he was hoping you'd avoid our village because of what happened when you left."
   The mayor looked at his feet.
   "What happened when I left?" asked Stumpy. "Mother? Father?"
   "Well," continued Zumpy. "You remember that girl Clumpy Flapdroop? The one that was dating that skeleton hoodlum? At the big midsummer bonfire, you got drunk on mouse wine and started coming on to her. She was even drunker than you on dirt and tonic, and when her bonefriend found you, he started attacking you. You both fought up and down the village square, until you both fell in the river. You know how the skels hate the river---it causes them to fall apart. Well, your father had to think quick. He drugged you to make you lose your memory temporarily, then snuck you out in the middle of the night. The skeletons vowed revenge. The next morning they totally forgot about it, of course, but for a few hours it was pretty scary. Lots of blood and teeth."
   "Wow, that's a pretty great story! But why should that be a problem now? The skeletons won't have remembered."
   His father opened his mouth. "No, son, but Clumpy does. She was really mad. She was in love with that skeleton, and she's sure to get news that you're back. She's always been a bit short-tempered, when she's not high on bone dust, so who knows what might happen. You'd better get out while the gettin's good. We can give you a boat and a little food."
   All of a sudden, there were loud noises outside, as if a short angry high woman and a gang of riled up skeletons were anxious to kill someone. OK, so there were only ten skeletons (the rest were playing poker), but friend, if you've ever gotten into a fight with a skeleton, you know it's bad voodoo. There's no soft flesh to hit, only bone, and you go try punching bones one day and see how you like it, smart aleck. Anyway, they had a job to do. Remember the strange light in the eastern sky? All the weird stuff that happened after that didn't just disappear! Jeez, some people.
   "No time for chitchat!" yelled the mayor. He shoved all the supplies and food at our gang, and told them to head for the river. "The boat's hidden under some dead skeletons on the riverbank."
   "How can you tell a skeleton's dead?" asked Tinky, looking a little nervous.
   "It's not biting your head off!" yelled Stumpy and his parents at the same time.
   The loud crowd noises got louder and crowdier, so they all took off by the back door, which was really just a hole in the wall covered with an old sheet. As they ran to the river, they sang rousing escape songs, such as "If I Don't Escape, Don't Bother Throwing Me A Surprise Birthday Party", and "One Gun, Three Knives, and I Dropped Them A While Back". A few skeletons spotted them running, and gave chase. The clattering sound the bones made when running caused Malarkey to start laughing, so Snarky punched him on the arm.
   One skeleton jumped on Stumpy's back, but he turned around and with a mighty kick of his ridiculous feet, sent it flying. Clumpy started screaming at the skeletons to get that evil, beautiful Stumpy, which sends out mixed messages if you ask me. The skeletons tried their hardest, but let's face it, they're disorganized at heart. Our collection of unlikely adventurers made it to the river without much fuss. I mean, come on. Skeletons? Sure, they look creepy, but they have no strength.
   They all scrambled into the boat, which was surprisingly roomy but unsurprisingly crappy, and shoved off. Clumpy jumped up and down among her fallen skeleton companions, screaming at Stumpy that she hated him but also would he write?
   "Man, that's one messed up dame," observed Malarkey.
   "Man, that's one messed up village," said Snarky.
   "Oh, how I've missed it," said Stumpy mistily.
   "I miss nothing," said Tinky Dingbat. "I'm tough."
   Snarky threw a small blanket over Tinky.
   They had been floating down the river for a few minutes, when Malarkey poked under some more blankets. "Hey, what did your parents give us, Stumpy? Any good stuff?"
   "How should I know," he said.
   Suddenly, from under the blankets a bony arm shot out, and pierced Malarkey in the leg with a sharp finger. It was a skeleton, hidden under some worn out blankets. It straightened up, eyes glowing a weird red. A cold wind whipped up on the river. Its mouth opened.
   "You...will...all...die..." Its voice was unearthly and a little dry. With a cackle, it jumped overboard and swam to the shore.
   "Holy shit!" everyone yelled.
   Stumpy looked scared. "I've never heard a skeleton talk. Or seen one able to survive in the river."
   Tinky looked up with big eyes. "What do you think it means? Will we all die?"
   The boat continued floating down the river. The cold wind had disappeared. The river was wide and long. Trees and mountains dotted the distance.
   "Well, I might!" cried Malarkey. "That skeleton cut me." He pointed to his leg, where a little blood was seeping out.
   "Toughen up, man," said his brother Snarky. "You'll be fine."
   "Yeah, but my pants are ruined!"
   Stumpy spoke to the rest of them. "Hey, folks. We might have a bigger problem."
   "What's that?" said Snarky.
   Stumpy held up a sack. "I looked at the food."
   Everyone stared at him, waiting for him to finish. Stumpy's mouth opened.
   "Onion and badger anus sandwiches with insect husks."


...to be continued.
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #9

   Snarky, Malarkey, Stumpy, and Tinky fell off the cliff into the cool air, the sunset cobwebbing its spindly red and orange fingers across their terrified faces. At first they didn't even yell or scream because all of their breaths were stolen by fear. They fell for what seemed like ages, but was really only about five seconds before they fell into some prickly bushes on a ledge just below the one they were on. The relief they felt was replaced by pain as they tried to escape from the bushes, and then they felt fear again as the ledge, thin and ancient, gave way and they once again plummeted to their certain doom. This time they fell a lot longer. A vulture that was flying after a mouse that had also fallen was distracted by our quartet and made a violent U-turn after new, juicier prey, but then realized they were falling far too fast for it to catch. It then turned back to the mouse, but the frightened mouse realized it was a bat, spread its wings and flew back to its cave where it was attacked by some mutant caterpillars with fangs and knives, which caused it to fly in fright back out of the cave where it was noticed by the hungry vulture, which chased it and so on.
   "Those are some dumb animals," said Stumpy.
   "What was that?" asked Tinky.
   "I mean---AUGHHH!" replied Stumpy.
   For some reason Snarky and Malarkey discovered they had a deck of cards between them, so they played 52 Pickup.
   "You get it!", "No, you get it!"
   "Wait a second," said Snarky. "We should be a lot more scared of falling to our certain doom."
   Malarkey sniffed the air. "Ah, we should, but I realized we're in the Apathy Crack. A certain kind of gas is released by the volcanic rocks, and it drugs you. We should be screaming ourselves hoarse."
   "So, when we land with a giant splat, we might do it with a smile on our faces?" said Snarky.
   "Well, most probably."
   They decided to just go with the flow and see what happened. The mountains and valley were spectacularly beautiful. The rock was a sort of brownish red with gold flecks, and the sides were very smooth with occasional ledges sticking out. Sometimes an intrepid plant clung to the side and managed to succeed at living there, feasting on droplets of water that sprayed randomly during storms. The valley below was bisected by a sparkling blue river, surrounded by lush green fields. Small boats floated down the river, and off in the distance was a small village of many colours.
   "Hey, brother, do you think we might fall into the river and survive?" asked Snarky. His normally grumpy demeanour was softened by the gas drug.
   "Possibly, if we aren't cracked in half by surface tension. The river isn't that deep for the most part, although there are some deep pools. You know, we might get out of this after all. On the other hand, we might die, too." Malarkey stared into the distance for a while, then scratched his leg.
   Tinky and Stumpy had managed to grab each other and held on for dear life. Their natural fear wasn't tempered very much by the gas drug. They mostly held on so they didn't get lost.
   The ground got closer and closer. A few people on the ground, farmers and boaters, looked up and their eyes and mouths got wider as they saw the foursome fall ever closer. Our group saw the people on the ground and since the gas drug had worn off right at that very moment, their mouths also opened wide but loud, panicky screams came out. Just as it seemed that all these fine, fine people would meet in a less than ideal way pretty soon, they just stopped.
   Tinky, Malarkey, Snarky and Stumpy were suspended just above the ground, and the ground people, seeing that nothing bad was going to happen, went back to what they were doing, which was stumbling around high on drugs.
   Once they were on the ground safely, our gang decided to walk to the village and see if they could get some food, lodging and a car of some sort, maybe a van with flames on it, or a pickup truck with mag wheels. The villagers just gazed at them in a haze and said, "Sup?"
   The dirt road leading to the village wound its way through the fields, which had some crops growing in them, but mostly just marijuana and coca plants. Occasionally they saw a rotting wooden cart or a skeleton covered in rags by the roadside, but there weren't very many people. The ones they did see seemed high or apathetic, or sometimes a little sad, and once they saw three people playing tiddly winks, but basically it was a whole lot of nothing.
   After they had trudged for a bit, sweaty and dusty, hungry and thirsty, Snarky noticed something.
   "Hey, Stumpy," he said. "All of these people have huge feet, just like you."
   And he was right. The people were short, and they all had very long feet. They also had funny-looking noses, too, but that's not important.
   Stumpy stared at them. He had never seen anyone with feet like his before. He just thought he was a freak, and after many years of drug abuse and therapy, had come to accept it. Now he realized he was some sort of crazy orphan. He ran up to Snarky and punched him in the arm.
   "Ow! What the hell?" yelled Snarky.
   "That's for making fun of me all these years! I'm not a freak! I'm a crazy orphan!"
   Snarky rubbed his arm. "Just because there's a whole village of clown-footed people, doesn't make you any less of a freak, man. In fact, it just magnifies your freakiness. Now I have way more people to make fun of, and because of your bizarre boats, none of you can catch me." He laughed and ran away. Stumpy tried to follow, but his long feet flapped like broken wings, and he just yelled in frustration.
   One of the villagers who wasn't as high as the rest looked at Stumpy and smiled.
   "Hey, dude! You're normal, like us!" He pointed to his feet. "Who're your baby feet friends?"
   "Just some jerks," replied Stumpy, frowning.
   "My name is Humpy Rutabaga. What's yours?"
   "Stumpy Cucamonga."
   "Oh wow! I wonder if you're related to Rumpy Cucamonga. He's the mayor of Pleng."
   "What's Pleng?" asked Stumpy.
   "Pleng is what we call our village. Well, it used to have another name, but then we forgot what it was. The mayor tried to remember for a whole week, and then he fell off a barrel and said 'Pleng' and that's what we call it. Some people wanted to call it Rocket Frog, but that was just an advertising ploy."
   "Well, maybe we should meet your mayor," said Snarky. "We have a lot of things to discuss, like food, water, lodgings..."
   "Oh, that shouldn't be any problem. We got all that stuff. Nobody really comes through here anymore, except if they fall from the mountains, but usually they die in the river." Humpy smiled and pushed his floppy yellow hat back. He turned his head to the left and stared at a skeleton. "Hey, quit slacking off and get back to work!" Then he smiled again and wandered off.
   Our band resumed walking to the village. They passed several people who had draped a skeleton around their shoulders and were laughing maniacally. Most people were smoking pipes that had pungent red smoke coming out of them. They would inhale deeply, and then laugh or cry, and then some would drop to the ground or run off across the fields. Occasionally one would run through the fields, waving their hands, and then fall into the river, where they'd float downstream until the next village. The people of the other villages just pushed them back into the river so they could keep floating, far away from them. Sometimes a few would keep floating for weeks and reach the sea. At that point, mermaids with three eyes would attack and eat them.
   The road wandered this way and that. Strange plants grew there. Some had long stalks with blue and red bulbs on top, some grew across the ground in mats, crossing each other to look like waffles. Pink trees grew, very wide but very short, as if they had been squashed. Nothing grew on the road, partly because of the traffic, but partly because they were afraid to cross the road. They had heard rumours about what happened to the chicken.
   The road was crooked but eventually got to the village. The village gate had fallen down long ago, to be replaced by an old sheet that someone had scrawled 'PLENG' on. It flapped in the breeze as they passed through.
   The village itself was best described as ramshackle. About two hundred people lived there. Some houses were empty, but nobody wanted to get some extra space for themselves, for fear it was haunted. Not all believed in ghosts, but everyone was afraid of the skeletons that lay everywhere, common as weeds.
   Malarkey had heard of this place, but only vaguely. It had had another name, long ago, but nobody remembered what. They all looked at the people lazing around, and the skeletons sitting on chairs with amusing hats on their skulls. Sometimes a skeleton had a cigar between its teeth, or someone had drawn fake eyeglasses on it. The villagers just looked afraid of the bones now.
   "Hey!" said Malarkey to a short doofus with big feet. Oh, and she had a propeller beanie on her head.
   "What do you want?" she said.
   "Well, what's your hilarious name? Why do the skeletons look funny? And where is the mayor whatshisname---", said Malarkey.
   "Rumpy Cucamonga!" exclaimed Stumpy.
   "---yeah, that guy."
   The woman in the beanie, plopped carelessly on her tangle of red hair, took a puff and stared for a bit.
   "Aaahhh!" she screamed. She cleared her throat. "Sorry, I had some ice scream earlier." She paused, waiting for the laughter. Nobody except Stumpy laughed. The woman pointed at him and smiled.
   "My name is Clumpy Flapdroop. We don't know why the skeletons look funny. It probably happened a long time ago, before or after the strange light in the eastern sky, back when people weren't afraid of skeletons. Now we think they're spooky and they haunt empty houses and empty fields. And the mayor is in the mayor house. It's over there." She pointed at a house across the street that had a bright blue door with one big red eye in the middle.
   "I think I'm in love," muttered Stumpy.
   "Better not be," said Malarkey. "She could be your relative, or maybe haunted."
   They walked over to the door and knocked. After a few seconds, it slowly opened with loud creaks.
   A face peered out of the gloom. The eyes blinked, the mouth coughed. It looked exactly like an older version of Stumpy.
   "Dad!" Stumpy said.
   A shorter version of the same old face peered from behind the one in front. "Yes?"
   Stumpy looked confused, then said, "Mom?"
   All three burst into laughter and embraced.
   Mayor Rumpy looked at Stumpy and his companions. "Come on in!"


...to be continued.
 

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #8

   Snarky, Tinky, Enver and Stumpy followed the balloon head woman.
   "What the hell is a Balloon Fight Club?" asked Snarky to no one in particular.
   Stumpy spoke up. "The first rule of Balloon Fight Club is..."
   Snarky punched his shoulder. "Oh, cut it out."
   They all looked around at the place, which wasn't very helpful, as it was dark and gloomy and filled with what they hoped were cobwebs. Twisted torches on the walls flickered but failed to provide much in the way of illumination. The balloon woman squeaked as she floated ahead of them.
   "Hurry up! Everyone's waiting," she said. "By the way, my name is Madam Badham."
   The corridor curved a few times and they dodged a few piles of fallen stone, stones that were covered in big black scratch marks and must have come from the ceiling, except that there were no holes in the ceiling. They swore they saw disembodied eyes following them, but when they turned around to get a better look, they disappeared.  A sudden harsh scream penetrated the darkness, causing them all to jump.
   "Don't worry," said Madam Badham. "That's probably just someone who lost a fight. Or maybe someone who won."
   Finally, after what seemed like half an eternity, during which their feet crunched things they really didn't want to discover, the cramped corridor opened up into an enormous cavernous room. It was full of odd people, each odder than the last. A man with two noses. A woman with three noses. A donkey with a hand for a tail. Some sort of small giraffe with target eyes. Several people who looked normal but vaguely unpleasant. A couple of teenagers with really disgusting pimples. And lording over all, was a tall, spindly man who seemed to be made of shadows and whispers.
   "It's one of those creeps I saw before!" exclaimed Snarky. "They followed me from the hotel."
   "That," said Madam Badham, turning to face the quartet,"is Sir Lord Mister Tweth. He is the ringmaster, if you will."
   "So, uh, what do you expect us to do?" asked Enver. "Piss and shit some more? I think we're all out."
   Tinky coughed. "I've heard of this. It's a brutal underground fighting club. Battle to the death. With balloons."
   Stumpy laughed his ass off. "Balloons? How can you fight with balloons? They don't hurt. All you might get is a little shock from static electricity!"
   Madam Badham fixed them with a glare, or as close as you can get with a face drawn with black marker.
   "The balloons," she said,"are full of sulphuric acid. If they burst..." She tilted her head in a way that suggested raised eyebrows.
   "Doesn't the acid just eat through the balloon?" asked Snarky. "And how can you talk with a drawn on face? How can a balloon talk? And aren't these acid death balloons related to you or something? How can you let them be used like this?"
   "SILENCE!" thundered Sir Lord Mister Tweth. The entire room shut up as if the sound itself had been sucked out. The only sound was a creepy papery whispering sound.
   He continued. "We are gathered here today for the final battle of the season. Our champion against the champion of the newcomers. I have been watching them for a while now, my spies gathering knowledge in various places and times, and I have decided who shall fight."
   Our foursome huddled together, a tight ball of terrified yarn. Snarky stood out, being tall, while Tinky, Stumpy and Enver clustered around him, smaller roots of the big tree. Snarky hunched down to make himself less noticeable, which only caused the others to squish down even smaller. "Stupid midgets!" he muttered.
   Somewhere a drum boomed.
   Tweth raised a twisted green stick. He looked around at the massed audience, which had to be in the thousands in the giant room, some close but most on top of various bits of broken rock, some of which were small and some of which were huge. There were no medium-sized broken rocks. In the distance someone cheered, but it was cut off in mid-cheer.
   The drum boomed again.
   "Jeez," muttered Stumpy. "Milking it!"
   "Shall it be---" boomed Tweth,"Stumpy Cucamonga? A man with enormous feet and an even bigger reservoir of courage?"
   "Who, me?" squeaked Stumpy.
   "Or! Shall it be Enver Lovebagge, formerly known as Enver Dirtbagge, a man with no scruples and a talent for hidden weapons?"
   "Damn! Lost them in that weird bar!" said Enver.
   "Or! Shall it be Tinky Dingbat, who may be small, but that just means he can burrow in your ear and chew on your brain?"
   "Hey! I'm not that small," grumped Tinky.
   "Or! Shall it be Snarky Snapdragon, a man who in a former life was an assassin for organized crime and who made his own mother cry by breaking her legs and feeding her beloved lapdog Snozzy to an escaped boa constrictor?"
   "That wasn't me! That was my identical twin brother," said Snarky, looking away.
   A loud roar broke out. "Snarky! Snarky! Snarky!"
   "Fuck, of course it's the tall guy who literally stands out," muttered Snarky. The others looked incredibly relieved. A small fight broke out a few steps away between a lamp with fangs and a sabre tooth tiger armed with a knife. The knife clanged and sparked against the lamp, while it ducked and sank its fangs into the tiger's neck, causing blood to cascade upwards, splashing on a flying mouse, which drowned and plummeted to the ground with a loud splat. The tiger, in its dying moments, slashed the power cord of the lamp, causing a flash of blue electrical light, electrocuting both of them.
   Madam Badham nodded, and ugly tree people grabbed our four, with the one holding Snarky shoving him into an open space that served as a ring. It was stained with blood and covered in a layer of old bones, most of which had been ground into dust, but some splinters still stuck up here and there. Half of a skull grinned at him from the ground. A balloon was thrust into his hand and he was shoved into the ring.
   From the other side the crowd parted, and the champion walked into view. He was brutal, but his eyes were sensitive. His jaw was squared, but rounded. He had scars on his face but they were more intriguing than disfiguring. His arms and chest were rippling with muscles, and his eyes were red with rage. He, too, had a balloon in his hands.
   He also looked just like a messed up Snarky, who stared in disbelief.
   "Malarkey! My brother!" he yelled.
   Malarkey Snapdragon's eyes became less red and more blue. "Snarky? Is that you? I thought there couldn't be more than one person with the name Snarky Snapdragon!"
   They both rushed to each other and hugged.
   "Dude, it's been at least fifteen years! You look pretty much the same except for the bad haircut," said Malarkey.
   "Well, I haven't had time...you look a lot different. That scar on your left cheek is new." Snarky frowned. "Has it been fifteen years? It doesn't feel like it. More like fifteen days."
   "You know, I was wondering about that. I can't remember much recently...everything's vague now. I thought it was because of all the fights."
   "Since when did you fight? You always..." Snarky stopped talking. The crowd had gone silent again. Tweth banged his stick.
   "Fight!" roared Tweth.
   "Fuck that shit!" yelled Malarkey and Snarky at the same time.
   Snarky turned to his travelling companions. "Guys! Come on, let's get out of here." They raced to him. He turned to his brother. "I hope you know a way out of this."
   "No problem, bro." Malarkey ran to Tweth and banged his stick with the balloon. It exploded and acid soaked the stick, which began smoking and drinking. A bright blue light shone. Tweth turned away, hurt by the glare. He slipped a pair of cheap sunglasses on and screamed at the room.
   "Get them! Do not let them escape!"
   The crowd, in fact, parted and let the five escapees run away to the other side of the chamber. They were there to watch fights, not participate in them, not counting the occasional skirmish. It was the big social event of the season, a place to see and be seen, to flaunt the latest in bedraggled fashion. Let Sir Lord Mister Tweth yell all he wanted, the shadowy jerk, he wasn't the boss. They just tolerated him because he let them use his big special room for events at a cheap rate. Hell, there was a smaller room a few miles away that was just as good, but you couldn't bring your larger pets and the bathroom facilities were simply atrocious.
   One keener decided to curry favour with Tweth by trying to trip someone, but all he got for his efforts was his leg stepped on and broken.
   "This way!" yelled Malarkey, pointing to a hole in the wall. "It leads outside!"
   The five of them ran to the wall, with Tweth in the background screaming like a little kid. He pointed his stick at them as if it was magic, but of course it was just a cheap stick he found in a shop somewhere that he thought looked cool. He choked in rage and fell to the ground. People near him looked away in embarrassment. A balloon nearby popped and Madam Badham burst into tears.
   An old woman with too much hair muttered,"In the old days, the elder gods threw much better parties and when they had tantrums, people died and mountains fell. These young people..."
   Malarkey raced through the door and the others followed.
   "I hope he knows what he's doing," said Enver.
   The passageway was as dark and murky as the one they had come through, but with no spooky eyes. Just spiders. Lots and lots of spiders. The spiders were startled, though, and fled up lines of web to safer places near the roof. The passage was slightly uphill, and all you could hear was the flapping of feet and the panting of the frankly out of shape runners.
   "Is it much farther?" asked Stumpy, his feet smacking against the hard flat ground.
   "Just up ahead," said Malarkey. He was the fastest runner, but the passage was narrow and it was hard to move. It narrowed even more and then they saw a light. They sucked in their guts and squeezed through, only to find themselves on a small ledge on the side of a mountain. They crowded together uncomfortably.
   "So how are we supposed to get off this ledge?" asked Snarky, his eyelid twitching.
   Malarkey looked down. "We climb." He pointed to some ragged bushes growing from the slopes. "It's not like it's a vertical face. It's pretty easy, with plenty of things to grab onto. And it's not down too far to the valley. The only thing is that the bushes are a little loose. They're really old and not sure if they want to stay on the mountain." He cocked an ear. "We'd better hurry. I think we were followed."
   Sure enough, creepy sounds were heard from the narrow passage in the mountain, echoing as the sound was squeezed through cobwebs and rock. Malarkey went first, expertly rappelling down, followed by Snarky, who was motivated more by a determination to get away than by any fear. Tinky just leaped on his back, and Stumpy scrambled down after. Enver paused a moment, hearing something behind him. He turned back to the opening and his mouth opened as if to say something, then with a start, turned back to the bushes. As he was about to climb down, a long arm shot out of the mountain crack and grabbed his foot. He yelled and slipped, causing some loose stones to tumble down. The arm, covered in veins and hair, pulled him slowly back. Enver struggled and dislodged some larger stones, which fell down the mountainside with a slow, low roar. He was pulled across the ledge and into the crack, his fingernails scratching on the rock. He disappeared with a muted scream.
   On the mountainside below the ledge, the disturbed rocks fell. They had not moved in centuries, and they took this opportunity to lustily bounce against the face. Stumpy, the last to go over, looked up with horror. "Hey guys---".
   With a dusty, ancient thump, the four climbers were knocked off the mountainside, tearing at the bushes who decided that, yes, after all, it was time to let go.
   Silhouetted against the shadows of the setting sun, they hung suspended in the cool air for a long, cold moment, before starting the drop to the valley floor.


...to be continued!
 

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #7

   The strange figures lunged forward into the light, stumbling and falling over each other. They were accompanied by a stench and creaky, moaning sounds. Snarky and Tinky's eyes bulged and their noses wrinkled.
   "Oh, it's you guys," said Snarky.
   Stumpy and Enver looked up.
   "Hey, you!" slurred Stumpy. "G'ta see ya gain...". He waved his hands. "We've been somewhere."
   "Yeah, I figured," said Snarky. "Where exactly were you?"
   Enver looked up from his careful study of his shoes. His hair was covered in dust. "Somewhere wonderful...somewhere full of light and wood and glass and....and..."
   "Booze!" yelled Stumpy, flapping his large feet on the floor. He danced around in a circle, which proved to be a bad idea, as the floor lurched up to meet him. He fell with a soft slap.
   Enver looked at him and started laughing so hard he fell over to the floor, too.
   Snarky bent over them and glared. "Where did you two come from?"
   "Our mothers!" laughed Stumpy. "Why, were you cloned from bat wings?"
   Snarky sighed. "No, I mean where did you come from just a moment ago? And where was all this boozing done? You were in the back of the van, and then you weren't."
   "Oh, that," said Enver. "A funny little man with a flower head appeared out of nowhere and winked. What can you do about that? You just do what a flower head wants---everybody knows that. So anyway, he teleported us or something, and next we knew, we were in some sort of magic bar. Drinks were free! Can't beat that."
   Stumpy continued. "The place was great! Lots of dark wood, and pictures of women on the walls. Glass eyes were stuck everywhere---my dream! There were people there, but kinda ghostly. You try and talk to 'em, but they disappear when you get close. Oh well, the drunker we got, the less we cared."
   "And then," said Enver, "we had to go take a leak, and when we went into the bathroom, we ended up here instead. Funniest thing ever!" A little bit of puke dribbled out and onto his shirt.
   Snarky and Tinky stared. Tinky opened his mouth.
   "Just why is there a portal in my house? You think I'd know!" His eyebrows wiggled around. "I hope you lot didn't ruin anything."
   "Yeah, like this place is in pristine condition," sneered Snarky. He coughed as some dust got in his nose.
   Tinky made for the back. "I think I wanna check this out." Snarky followed.
   "Yeah, as I've been saying, this world seems to be breaking down. We should follow all leads."
   "What about what those girls said about going east?"
   "After we check out this portal, then we'll go east. East isn't going anywhere." Snarky chuckled. "Unless the magnetic poles change."
   Stumpy elbowed Enver. "Hey, hey...we should go follow them. We'll show 'em how great this bar is! I don't know what kind of booze that was, but it was the best I ever had." He belched. "Oh yeah....seconds.."
   With a struggle, they both got up and followed the other two.
   After Snarky and Tinky fought their way through some serious cobwebs, and Stumpy and Enver stumbled after, bouncing off the walls and stumbling over obstacles only they could see, they came into a small room.
   "I hope you guys didn't piss in here," said Tinky apprehensively. "I sometimes bring lady friends here. It's a special room."
   "What, this crappy broom closet?" laughed Snarky. "Well, I shouldn't laugh. I've had my fun in worse rooms. And with worse people!"
   Tinky looked a little hurt. "It's my special room!"
   "OK OK, calm down," said Snarky. He turned to Enver and Stumpy, who were leaning against each other. "So where did you come through?" Their heads bonked against each other lightly, causing them to coo and giggle.
   "Oh," said Stumpy. "Right there." He pointed.
   Everyone looked at the blank wall.
   "Where exactly? That's a blank wall," said Tinky.
   Stumpy's eyes focussed, then went cross-eyed, then with a struggle, he focussed them again. His hand wavered as he pointed at the wall. "THERE!"
   As they watched, the wall wobbled, turned blue and swirly, and a low whispering sound was heard. Enver broke from the group and plunged through. With a yell, Stumpy grabbed a broom and followed.
   "My special broom!" cried Tinky as he ran after Stumpy and vanished into the blue.
   Snarky glared and sighed and looked at the ceiling, where he saw a crayon drawing of a naked woman. "This is all I need. Those idiots....well, I have nothing better to do than follow some idiots. Oh wait, I have to go east, find an old man in a cave, and solve this crazy mystery!"
   He looked around the room. It was dark, dusty and cramped. Various broken bits of furniture cluttered the edges. "Special room, all right. For a special person. Special in the head!" He jumped into the portal.
   After what seemed like a long time and not very long at all, he popped out the other side. He felt a little wet, like he took a shower in mist. After a moment, he looked around. Stumpy, Tinky, and Enver were a few feet away holding onto each other in fear. He couldn't understand why. He walked over to them.
   The place they were in was mostly dark, but it didn't look like a bar.
   "Hey," he said,"I thought you said this was a bar, the greatest bar you'd ever been in. It looks like a dank underground dungeon. What gives?"
   Tinky turned to him, eyes huge and bulging with fright. "Y-you mean you don't know?"
   "Know what? We made a wrong turn? Portals aren't reliable modes of transportation? You guys need to suck it up?"
   Just then, a tall figure emerged from the gloom. It advanced with deliberation. The three shivering figures behind Snarky whimpered. He heard some pee hitting the floor.
   The figure appeared suddenly in the little pool of light where our foursome were. It was a red balloon on a string, attached to some ragged clothing. A face was drawn on it with a black marker. It spoke with a high-pitched female voice.
   "Welcome to the Balloon Fight Club, gents! We're very pleased to have new meat for the battle!" The drawn eyebrows frowned a little. "Even though you don't look very strong. Oh well. I've seen some fighters get by on gumption and attitude." She turned away, then turned back and beckoned them forward.
   As she led the way, she was heard muttering,"Lots and lots of gumption..."


...to be continued.
 
 
 
 

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #6

   As Snarky and Tinky rumbled down the streets in the van, Tinky asked Snarky a question.
   "So what exactly happened to your friends?"
   Snarky frowned as he drove. The buildings huddled in the growing shadows. Every so often a bright spark of light flew around, then disappeared. People lurked, slouching from doorway to alley, afraid to be seen in the open. A big rat or a small dog sped from behind some garbage cans and grabbed something from the street in its jaws. The something struggled, then fell limp. The dog-rat sank its fangs into it, then it, too, fell limp, falling onto its side, settling into a pothole. A crack spread from the hole and zigzagged to the nearest building where it stopped suddenly. The building briefly turned a vivid shade of yellow, brighter than a million sunflowers, then it faded and finally turned black before it wobbled and then disappeared with a quiet pop.
   Snarky and Tinky didn't see any of this because they were looking in the other direction.
   "I told you before, they were there one minute, and gone the next," said Snarky.
   "Are you sure you didn't kill them or something?"
   "Pretty sure." Snarky bared his teeth. "I might go for a third murder any moment."
   "Fine, fine", said Tinky.
   The van went over a large bump and they both heard a loud scream.
   "What was that?" asked Tinky.
   "Sounds like someone got a large bump on the head," replied Snarky.
   "Weird." Tinky looked at the intersection, then directed Snarky to take a right. After a few more blocks, they saw it.
   "Holy crap," said Snarky, eyes wide. "When you said mansion, I didn't realize you meant the Taj Mahal!"
   It wasn't the Taj Mahal, which was probably still in India. This mansion took up an entire city block. It was made of the finest marble, crafted in a Gothic style, with columns and gargoyles liberally distributed across its expanse. The effect was one of grandeur, of ancient wealth, of imposing size, of occult knowledge, of ego, and a little bit of wonkiness, as if the architect had crossed eyes. It had also become decrepit, and looked as if it would fall down at any time. Many people had lived here once, but now it looked like the only people who would want to live there were ones who wanted to commit suicide by ghost.
   "Welcome to my humble abode!" cried Tinky, spreading his arms, which bonked against the van window and Snarky's head.
   Snarky just muttered. "You sure we won't get our heads bashed in by falling stone?"
   "Probably not," Tinky said with a smile.
   They got out of the van. Snarky bent down to check if that bump had damaged it. All he saw was a dark mass.
   "Ugh, looks like we hit some large animal. I can't even tell what it was, maybe a pony? I ain't cleaning that."
   Tinky bounded up to the front door, and then darted past a column to where another, smaller door was, a serviceman's entrance. "In here!"
   Snarky followed, dragging his feet. It had been a tiring few days. The air felt greasy. Tinky disappeared inside.
   When Snarky first saw the interior, he felt let down. He had expected opulence, maybe even faded opulence, but it was just a large room full of junk. "What is all this stuff?"
   "This is my great palace, full of my prized valuables!" Tinky spread his arms again, but this time they just hit dirty sheets.
   "Valuables? You couldn't pay me to take any of this."
   Tinky looked hurt. "It took a long time for me to accumulate this. All the houses I had to break into, all the people I had to mug, all the scams I had to pull. It was hard work!"
   Snarky looked at the broken junk, the mouldy furniture, the peeling paint, and the dirty knickknacks, and decided to keep his trap shut for once. "Yeah, looks awesome." His stomach growled. "You said there was food and drink?"
   "This way, sirrah!" Tinky led the way past the debris, through other rooms full of old and mysterious objects, past tapestries and paintings depicting odd scenes and odder people, some of which didn't seem like they were on Earth or human. Down a flight of stairs and then there they were: the kitchen. It gleamed as if new.
   "How come the kitchen looks new?" asked Snarky.
   "I have no idea. The place is run-down, but the kitchen looks untouched. It was like this when I got here. I don't question why. And another weird thing is that every morning, it's fully stocked. I can eat and drink as much as I want, and when I wake up, it's as if I hadn't touched a thing!"
   Snarky looked disturbed. "Doesn't that concern you? I mean, what if it's poisoned magical food? You could be mutating as we speak." He looked at Tinky's small size and smirked.
   "Shut up or I'll cut you!" Tinky snarled.
   "Calm down, little guy."
   Instead of fighting, they both decided that eating was better. They went through the fridge and cupboards, and each laid out a feast that would have impressed kings. After they had satisfied their gluttony and lay on sofas in the next room, groaning and exhausted, they fell asleep.
   They both awoke with a startle to find that identical twin girls were staring at them. They both had black hair and blue skin and were in their teens. They were dressed the same, with red jackets over white shirts, and black skirts over red leggings. They were shorter than Snarky, but taller than Tinky. Their eyes gleamed, their noses were a little long, but the most interesting thing about them was that they only looked half there. Like holograms.
   "Are you holograms?" asked Snarky.
   The two girls shook their heads solemnly.
   "Can you speak?" he asked.
   "Of course we can," said one.
   "What are we, freaks?" said the other.
   "My name is Nest Lakefront!" said the first one.
   "And my name is Nest Overcoat!" said the second.
   "Don't you get confused?" asked Tinky, looking up at them, getting a good look at their noses.
   "Sometimes," said Nest Overcoat.
   "But then we forget," said Nest Lakefront. "What are your names?"
   "I'm Snarky Snapdragon," said Snarky, "and this leprechaun is Tinky Dingbat."
   "Your name is Snarky Snapdragon?" said Tinky, laughing."And you think my name is silly?"
   "It's better than yours." Snarky looked thoughtful. "Seems like everyone has unlikely names lately. Now that I think of it, I used to have another name."
   The twins looked at the lads, looking at Tinky, then Snarky, then they both just looked at Snarky.
   "Your name is Snarky Snapdragon?" said Nest Lakefront, eyes wide.
   "We've been looking for you!" added Nest Overcoat.
   "Is it because I'm a love god?" Snarky looked hopeful.
   Nest Overcoat looked thoughtful. "I don't think so."
   "Then why?"
   Nest Lakefront smiled. "We have news about the old man in the cave."
   Snarky looked stunned. "The old man in the cave! My friend Stumpy said something about that. He said was in a trance and learned that." He looked stunned again. "My friends Stumpy and Enver! We have to find them."
   "What do you know?" he asked the girls.
   Nest Overcoat spoke first. "We live in a far-off land, in the east. After the light in the eastern sky, people started acting strangely. Only one person knew anything about it, an old man who lives in a cave."
   Nest Lakefront took over. "His cave is in a mountain, not too far from where we live, but nobody knows how to get there. If he needs to speak to you, he comes to you. Occasionally people stumble across his cave, but they can never remember where it is."
   The sisters looked at each other, then Nest Overcoat spoke."Normally he doesn't speak to anybody that often, but recently, he's been talking to people more. He kept mentioning someone called Snarky Snapdragon, but nobody knew who that was."
   Nest Lakefront continued."We had no idea how to contact this person, so the old man said he'd let us use his device. He chose us for some reason. It's a sort of teleportation device, but it only lets half of you go somewhere, so you look misty and you can't really have much of an effect on anything."
   "Also," said Nest Overcoat,"it doesn't last very long. We don't have much time, so you have to come quick! Just head east! You will find us."
   They started to fade, blinking in and out.
   "How far is it?" shouted Snarky. "What does this all mean?"
   It was too late, the girls had vanished.
   He looked at Tinky.
   Tinky just shrugged and commented,"I have no idea, but wow were they weird! I think Nest Overcoat is the weirder one."
   "How can you tell who's who?" asked Snarky.
   "Easy, Nest Overcoat has a yellow left eye, and Nest Lakefront has a yellow right eye." He scratched his nose, then added,"I wonder if they're rich?"
   Snarky just grimaced. Suddenly, they both heard a sound. Loud voices and footsteps were approaching from a distant room. They got closer and closer, and Tinky and Snarky looked a little afraid. With all the weird, dark apparitions lately, this could be their doom. Two dark shadows loomed out of the hazy murk, then lunged into the weak light.
   They both gasped.


...to be continued.
  
   

  

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #5

   Snarky was startled. Enver and Stumpy were missing. How could that have happened? He didn't see or hear anything. This world that had been annoying was now mysterious. Well, that was better---he could work with that. He wiped his nose and thought.
   "Well, first thing is to get a hotel room. I need a base to look for the guys from. Anyway, my goal is to find out what's happening to me and to find that mysterious guy somewhere." He thought that sounded stupid. How disloyal! Wait, he didn't care about crap like that. This goody world was poisoning him.
   A knock was heard on the door. He looked out the window and saw nothing. Another knock. He opened the window and looked at the ground. A small disc was there. So what? As he was about the pull back into the window, a skinny snaky arm formed from the disc and extended to the door, paused, and knocked. He stared.
   "Yeah? Whaddya want?" he asked.
   A mouth formed on the yellow disc. It made an O. "Are yoooo going toooo park here all dayyyy?"
   "Maybe. Why? You don't have a car." Snarky didn't know whether to laugh or step on the disc.
   As he was deciding, the disc raised off the ground and four little wheels formed. Snarky swore he heard a "putt-putt" sound. He scratched his ear. "Fine! I just mysteriously lost two friends, you little dink. Glad to know someone cares." He pretended to be mad and glared at the disc, then pulled away from the curb.
   He drove around for a few minutes, then found what he wanted: a hotel. It was small and grubby looking. It might collapse at any moment, but he didn't plan to move in with a wife and six kids and make a happy home. He couldn't tell if it was naturally black, or if that was just pollution. Either way, it looked cheap. The street it was on was cracked and garbage blew around; urban tumbleweeds. Nobody was on the street except for two spindly looking people at the other end of the block, dressed in some dark burlap. This neighbourhood looked like it might have been nice once, maybe even as recently as last month. Things sure had deteriorated quickly. The sun was blazing, yet the air had a chill to it. He parked the van and walked inside the hotel.
   The interior was even worse. The lightbulbs were on their last legs, or were 5 watt bulbs, even though Snarky didn't think those even existed. There were some plants, decrepit and dusty. Were they real and dead, or fake and dead? He didn't care. Only two other people were in the lobby: another of those murky spindly people, all lines and sinews and impossibly upright, and the desk clerk. He walked to the front desk.
   "Hey, I need a room."
   The clerk kept staring at the floor for a few seconds, and then looked up. His eyes were unfocussed. Not drugged, just not present. "Room?" he quavered.
   "Yeah, a room. You got one? I bet you do. I bet you got a lot of rooms available. And I bet they don't cost much. Am I right?" Snarky growled.
   The clerk looked like he existed in a liquid medium, thick, salty liquid at the bottom of some ocean. One eye wandered around, then came back. His mouth opened, then closed. Finally, he listlessly pointed at the register. "Sign in."
   Snarky scribbled something illegible, pulled out some change from his coat pocket, slapped it on the counter, and accepted the key that the clerk had produced. Snarky doubted it was the right key, or that it worked, but took it anyway. If nothing else, it'd be a weapon. The clerk's dark, greasy hair flopped over his eyes and then he dropped to the floor. He wasn't getting paid enough to deal with hair problems.
   Snarky had no bags, just stuff in his pockets, so he headed for the stairs and found his room on the second floor. The spindly person in the lobby hadn't followed him, although he thought they might have. The air was much better up here for some reason. The atmosphere in the lobby reminded him of stories his grandfather had told him of the old country, where they burned dung and old tires for heat and light, and never understood why most people died in the dark and cold before the age of fifty. They also had a diet rich in vegetables, and since the road system was so terrible in the old town you would often take a wrong turn and end up in the countryside, where the air was marginally better. So it could have been worse.
   The room was as dreadful as he expected, but he also didn't expect to be in it for long. He had to make a plan to find Stumpy and Enver, and hit the road. The room was small. It had a bed and a dresser. There was a small washroom off to one side, that was so filthy that washing was a joke. He lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, which was covered in cracks and small holes. He got up and looked out the window. The same spindly duo were at the corner. They looked up at him. He stared back. They shook their fists. He shook his fist. They bowed. He bowed. They took off suddenly around the corner. Now the only thing on the street was some garbage, which listlessly moved around. Another crack formed in the sidewalk, the closed up just as suddenly. Snarky turned away and sat on the bed again.
   He felt hungry, so he searched in his pockets and found something he didn't remember putting in there. Stumpy must have slipped it in. It was a kind of bread, he thought. He bit it, and it tasted pretty good. Kind of lemony. He ate the whole piece, then lay down on the bed again, but turned his head away. The holes in the ceiling looked like bullet holes, or holes made by some giant insect. Snarky was tough, but things were getting a little weird. He closed his eyes.
   He woke up abruptly, and everything was dark. He turned on the lamp that was on a tiny table next to the bed. The light was brighter than the lobby lights, but not by much. The room was still. The back of his neck crawled. The room wasn't as still as he thought. He looked around, but didn't see anything. His gaze returned to the table, and he jumped. Standing in the dim light was a man, or at least it looked like a man, if men were one foot tall and had rat whiskers and rabbit ears. Its nose twitched. They stared at each other for a long moment, then Snarky spoke first.
   "What are you?"
   The tiny man-thing frowned. "Well, that's fucking rude!" He grinned. "But that's OK. I get that a lot. I'm not really sure what I am, to be honest. I think I used to be a man, but obviously something happened. A few weeks ago---"
   "Let me guess. There were mysterious lights in the eastern sky?"
   "You saw them too? Good. Not everyone remembers, or cares." The little man-thing looked thoughtful. "My name's Tinky Dingbat. What's yours?"
   Snarky stared, his mouth slightly open. "That can't be your name."
   Tinky looked at him. "You're right. For some reason, I've forgotten my true name. This name came to me a few days ago. It seems really silly---I mean, Tinky? But it's better than nothing, or what the neighbour kids call me, which is Hey Fuckface. That gets me. So unimaginative. Not something creative like Rabbit Man, or Tiny Whiskerdoodle." He frowed again. "I think I used to be a teacher."
   "Kindergarten?" asked Snarky.
   "No, first year university. But I can't check, because where I think the university is supposed to be is now a crematorium. Things aren't as clear as they used to be. Have you seen those creatures, those spindly men? They don't look substantial enough to remain upright, and yet there they are, standing around everywhere, walking around corners. You know, I once saw one go around a corner, so I followed it, and when I turned the corner, it had vanished. What do you think about that?"
   Snarky just stared. "Well, things sure have been strange lately. I was travelling with two companions. We had some vague idea that some man living in a cave on a mountain far away had some answers, but my two friends just vanished. Literally vanished from our van a little while ago. Did you say Tinky Dingbat?"
   "Yes, why?"
   "That's the name I used to sign in! I just made it up. It just came to me. Weird."
   They stared at each other some more. Tinky spoke up. "Would it be OK if I robbed you now?"
   Snarky started. "What? Why?"
   "I'm starving! I can't get a job teaching anymore, nobody will give me any food, and my head feels funny all the time. I'm desperate!"
   Snarky stood up. "Well, so am I! My world is upside down, people keep mysteriously appearing and disappearing, and I had some lemon bread a while ago that was the only food I had!" He looked at Tinky. He bent down and poked him in the belly. "You don't look like you're starving. That's a nice little paunch there, buddy!"
   Tinky swatted Snarky's hand away. "Quit that! Yeah, OK, so I'm not starving at this moment. I actually had a pretty good meal earlier. Steak, potatoes and a salad with Black Forest cake for dessert and a snifter of brandy for an aperatif. But who knows how long this will last? OK, so I found a rich guy's mansion, stuffed to the rafters with food, but it could all go away for all I know. I'm thinking of my future."
   Snarky growled. "What? I ate stale lemon bread, when I could be having steak and cake and booze? You little rat!" His hands reached out to grab Tinky, but the little man darted away.
   "Hey hey now! Calm down. How about this: I won't rob you, but instead you can come with me to this mansion and we can both eat. Sound good?" He raised his hands.
   Snarky stopped frowning. "Well, OK. But after we eat, we have to go find my friends."
   "Sure, sure, no problem, guy." Tinky danced around. "I haven't talked to anyone sane in weeks. I was beginning to go a bit loopy." He stopped dancing and then a dark look crossed his face.
   "And if anyone messes with us, we mess with them. Permanently." His mouth turned up at the corners, but it wasn't mirthful.
   "Yeah, OK, whatever, man." Snarky rolled his eyes. This little pipsqueak wouldn't scare a sick bumblebee.
   Since Snarky didn't have any bags, just coat pockets now slightly emptier, he and Tinky left the room and went downstairs. He looked over the counter, and the clerk was still on the floor, not moving. Was he dead? Snarky didn't care to find out. He grabbed the change he had left for the room, and turned around. The spindly man wasn't there anymore, but there was one more dusty old plant. The two of them left the drab hotel.
   Tinky looked up at Snarky. "That your van? Cool. I'll tell you where to drive. It's not far, but then again, it's not close and these streets aren't safe anyway."
   They got in, the van started with a cough and off they went.
   Unseen by them, they had a passenger. One of the spindly figures was hanging from the underside of the van, tucked in close. As the van turned the corner, more of the dark figures detached themselves from the shadows and followed, moving faster than any natural living creature could.


...to be continued.