The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #14

    They all popped out of the glowing portal one after another, landing not on snow or ice, but...pillows.

   "Where are we?" said Perky, looking around in wonder. 

   It seemed to be an endless landscape made of pillows, big pillows of all colours. Above them was only a white nothingness. To the sides was also nothing, but both the ceiling and walls, if they existed, were so white and formless and vague it was hard to focus the eyes. So they all just looked at the pillows instead. 

   Cyril's wife of course tried to bite them, but they were too big and she ended up just sort of banging her head against them. Billy Bob carefully poked one, but nothing happened. Cyril pulled a pencil from his pocket and also tried to poke a pillow, and nothing also happened. The pencil didn't make a mark. He hmmed. 

   There was a faint but insistent sound, like a low humming but much softer, like a wind. At first they were so startled by their surroundings that they didn't notice it, but after a few moments it began to fill their ears and brains. 

   Reginald Runt groaned. "I can't stand this! What is it? Where is it coming from?"

   Cyril pursed his lips and frowned. "I do believe the sound is coming from the pillows themselves. All of these countless numbers of pillows are rubbing against each other."

   "Whut, like some sorta orgy?" said Billy Bob. 

   Reginald looked shocked, Perky looked confused, and Cyril's wife rolled over.

   "No, no," said Cyril in irritation. "Just the soft sound of a pillow touching another pillow, multiplied by possibly an infinite amount of pillows...it all sounds very....peaceful..." He drifted off and his eyes lowered to half mast. 

   "Don't fall asleep!" exclaimed Perky. "I don't like this place." She poked Cyril on the arm. He awoke with a grunt.

   "Yes, quite," he said. "This place may be lulling, but I do sense a sinister undertone. We should endeavour to find a way out."

   "How in tarnation do ya reckon we do that?" asked Billy Bob. "Ah look around and all ah see is nothin' but these dang pillows."

    Cyril looked thoughtful. "I don't believe in endlessness, so there must be a way out of here. After all, we got here, so there must logically be a way out. Some of us could try and make our way across the pillows, and some can try to dig their way down."

   Reginald looked worried. "But we could easily get lost if we spread out."

   "All right then, we'll all try to make our way at the same time," conceded Cyril. 

   They got together and all tried to make their way across the pillows, but it was very difficult. Everyone kept slipping and sliding. Perky felt herself sinking between two pillows and screamed for help. Billy Bob grabbed her and drew her back up, but all of a sudden, he was hit in the head by a blinding blur.

   "Whut th'!" he yelled.

   There was a moment of silence, and then they were all being attacked by the blinding blurs. Reginald, in his panicked thrashing, managed to reach out and inadvertently grab one of the blurs. He yelped and tossed it to Billy Bob, who looked at it curiously.

   "Looks like a sock puppet. A snake sock puppet."

   The snake puppet wriggled in his hands furiously, trying to bite him. He handed it to Cyril. "Whut do yuh think of it, doc?"

   Cyril examined it. "Well, it certainly does seem to be a, er, sock puppet, but one that has achieved animation. Curiouser and curiouser. Look, it even has little fangs." He poked a fang. "Not sharp, but it does seem vicious." He looked up. "They seemed to have stopped attacking us."

   He was right. All of the other snake puppets were lying on the pillows facing our group, just staring with their little black button eyes. They were all made of different kinds of socks, some plain and some colourful, but socks is what they were. Some even had darned holes. Cyril looked into the eyes of the one in his hand.

   "Do you understand what I am saying?" he asked. The snake puppet didn't do anything for a moment, then nodded. "Can you speak?" he added. The snake sock puppet nodded, but slowly. 

   Cyril looked at the group, then the puppet. "Why were you attacking us?"

   The sounds that came out of its mouth were fuzzy and a little hard to understand, as you would imagine a sock puppet to sound if it could talk, but they more or less got its meaning.

   "Weee thought....youuu...put....usssss.....here."

   "Oh, good lord no! We only just arrived here ourselves and are desperate to find a way out."

   "Well, we've gotta work with these critters and see if they know more than us," said Billy Bob.

   The snake in Cyril's hand hissed. "There isss...door....but...weee...can't....reach it."

   "I guess they're not flying snakes," said Reginald. Cyril's wife looked at him. She had one of the snakes in her mouth, which she spit out. She laughed.

   "Not now, dear," said Cyril. 

   With the snakes wriggling ahead and showing the way, they all managed to slip and slide their way to a large black pillow not too far away. The pillow was propped upright, as if someone had been leaning against it, maybe reading a sexy book about piranhas or something. All the snakes arranged themselves into an arrow that pointed behind the pillow. The humans all joined together and pushed the big black pillow aside, revealing a small door embedded in a smaller black pillow. There was a white doorknob in the middle. 

   "Ah see why them snakes had such problems," said Billy Bob.

   "Lazy snakes," muttered Reginald. A snake puppet nipped him on his calf. 

   Cyril stepped up and turned the knob. It opened easily, but a big puff of air blew out and whoofed in their faces. It smelled strongly of baked apple pie. All the snake sock puppets quickly slithered through the door to the other side, not seeming to care if it was safe at all, and Reginald followed right after, desperate to escape from his escape from the evil penguin castle. 

   "How bad can a place be if it smells like apple pie?" asked Perky. She scuttled through, short enough that she didn't have to duck, even though it was not a big door. 

   "Well, it could be an oven!" exclaimed Cyril. He looked at Billy Bob, who looked back, and they both grabbed Cyril's wife and they all hunched through. 

   Even thought they had been on many bizarre adventures, nothing prepared them for what they saw on the other side of the door. They all stood stock-still. Their eyes were wide and their mouths were open. It was almost indescribable. Almost.

   Reginald was the first to speak. "It's so....so....boring!"

   He was right. Expecting maybe apple pie turtles, or cotton candy flamingos, they instead saw a dull, grey street full of dull, grey buildings. The structures themselves were a little crooked, and the street was pockmarked, but that made it ugly, not interesting. It still didn't explain where that initial smell of baked apple pie came from. Surely not from this land where joy died? They looked around, hoping desperately to find something that wasn't depressing and awful, but there was nothing. All of a sudden, though, they heard a sound from inside one of the buildings. Eagerly they all trotted over to it and went inside.

   The inside wasn't any more beautiful then the outside, but there were people. Crooked, wonky people, but people nonetheless. About twenty of them. None of them paid attention to our group, because they were all crowded around something. Our group moved closer and wiggled through the crowd. They couldn't believe what they saw.

   They saw a very fat man with his pants down, perched over a bucket, which was attached to a large plastic tube that ran out through a hole in the wall. The man was taking an absolutely gigantic dump, an enormous brown snake of excrement that was being sucked into the tube. It didn't seem to stop. He kept shitting. What made all of this so unbelievable was that instead of smelling horrible, it smelled of baked apple pie. It seemed so wrong, to connect a lovely smell to an unlovely movement, but there it was.

   Perky wrinkled her nose. "This is a disgusting place."

   None of the crowd that was there watching this noticed them in the slightest, they were so fascinated by it all. The fat man kept grunting out his apparently eternal delivery, but our group had had enough. They left the building and were on the street again, and wandered around for only a minute, even though it seemed like an hour in that awful place. Cyril's wife grunted and then started running. Cyril took off after her, trying to catch her, but she had a fire in her legs, and so everyone else started running, too. 

   At first they didn't know why she was running. She seemed to be running to a shapeless grey mound, but when they all arrived there, they realized it was a large object draped in, of course, a grey tarp. She started nibbling on the tarp. The group pulled the tarp off, annoying her, but even she gasped as they saw what was beneath.

   "A car!" said Billy Bob. 

   "Now we can get out of here!" added Reginald. 

   So they all piled inside, and since he was the only one who knew how to drive, Cyril took the wheel. "Where to?" he asked.

   "Anywhere but here!" exclaimed Perky. 

   So the car leaped forward and Cyril kept a heavy foot on the gas pedal. The further away they got from that horrible town the better. 

   They were feeling happier than they had for a while, but they really shouldn't have. Because you see, something was clinging to the underside of the car.

   Something even worse than the town they were leaving.

   Something much worse.

....to be continued.

   

   

   

   

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #13

   "Who is the Emperor?" asked Perky, looking at the penguins. "Is he fun, or...or is he mean?"

   Penguins One and Two gave each other significant looks, but said nothing and waddled on.

   "Hey! I saw you give each other Significant Looks! That means something!" Perky darted up to them and tugged on their feathers. "Talk to me!"

   Penguin One glared at her and shook her off. "Silence is a very attractive quality."

   Billy Bob grabbed the penguin. "Now looky here, bub. Don't you be grabbin' her like that. I won't stand for it."

   Penguin Two shot a small laser out of its eye, and Billy Bob shot up into the air just a little bit. He settled back down, none the worse for wear except that his ears seemed to glow. 

   "We are not your enemies," said Penguin Two.

   "We are also not your friends," added Penguin One.

   "We are your esteemed guides," they said together.

   "You're a pair of jerkaholics," mumbled Billy Bob.

   Cyril, who had been lagging behind a little, dealing with his wife, whose blank mind meant that she looked in wonder at everything, despite the fact that they were surrounded by nothing but ice and snow, trotted up to them.

   "I say, chaps, instead of all this fuss, why don't we wait until we get to the big house and ask the Emperor what's up, what?" He coughed and examined his gloved hands. "After all, it's hardly likely these two would know much about anything, eh?" He looked back at his wife, who was face down in the snow making a snow angel the hard way, and went back to get her.

   "But it's so far!" exclaimed Perky a little sadly. "I'm cold."

   "Here," said Billy Bob. "Take my coat."

   "Won't you be cold, too?"

   "Nah, I grew up in cold places."

   "Didn't you grow up in the steamy south or something?"

   "Not all places are cold because of the weather," replied Billy Bob, as he gazed mysteriously into the distance. 

   Despite Perky's misgivings, the castle wasn't as far as they thought. The ice and snow made a flat white landscape, which is great for dramatic visuals, but hell on perspective and navigation. Plus it was boring, unless you're a penguin.

   Before their exposed skin could turn blue, they were at the gates of the castle. 

   The penguins turned to look at the group.

   "We are here!" they announced unnecessarily. "Welcome to our humble abode!"

   The frankly giant doors creaked open dramatically, and they were ushered inside, where it was a hell of a lot warmer. They stamped to shake off the snow and rubbed their hands together.

   Unlike the outside of the castle, which was decorated in early minimal bleak, the inside was all warm colours. Too many colours for Cyril's wife, who didn't know how to deal with all the fresh stimulus and just sort of ran at the walls and furnishings, sort of biting it and loudly mumbling. Cyril ran and got her and with some difficulty, pulled her away.

   "Wait here," the penguins said imperiously, and then left through a small side door.

   "You'd think they were the Emperor," said Billy Bob.

   "Billy Bob," said Perky, looking a little worried. "We're going to be all right, aren't we?"

   "Sure, yeah we are," he replied. "Ah figure, they can't have brought us all this way to do harm to us. Just wouldn't make a lot of sense." He looked thoughtful. "Unless they're cannibal penguins!"

   Perky giggled. "Silly! Cannibal penguins would only eat other penguins!"

   "Yeah, ah guess yer right." He smiled a little.

   They all walked around and looked at everything. The furniture, the tables, the wall hangings, the cabinets...they all were in various startling colours, and seemed to be in various styles and from various parts of the world. What they were all doing here in a vast ice palace was anyone's guess, but they all knew they would shortly find out. 

   Cyril looked at a painting on the wall. It showed a big penguin in armour and holding a sword, which was dripping in blood. It stood on a small hill of dead penguins, all separated from various body parts and obviously not just napping. The victorious penguin had a steely gaze that said he was not someone to trifle with, not even a little bit, so don't even think about it, Jack.

   "Remarkable piece of, er, art," mumbled Cyril.

   His wife was sitting on a bright red couch trying to chew on a pillow, which was also bright red but striped with black.

   "No, dear," he said absently, taking it away. "Not until after dinner." She looked a little sad.

   The room was undeniably large, but at the same time, it had a certain intimacy. No, that's not it. Maybe the walls were closing in. No, not that either. 

   "Man, this room sure is stuffed fulla junk," said Billy Bob.

   Perky was bouncing on the couch next to Cyril's wife. "But I like the colours!"

   A small rat-like machine scuttled from under the couch and raised its head to look at her.

   "Do you mind! I have some very important calculations to make!" it said, then darted back under the couch.

   Before anyone could react, a door a the far end of the room opened and Penguin One and Penguin Two came in. They both had trumpets and blew on them loudly, which wasn't that pleasant as they didn't know how to play them, then they lowered them and opened their mouths.

   "Announcing the arrival of the most Exalted and Holy Emperor of all that is seen, ruler of all the lands that are known and unknown, of the distant sea which is, to our knowledge, still there despite us not having the time lately to go and visit it as much as we did when we were younger and not as burdened with the awesome responsibility of state, through no fault of our own or our Dear Leader..." When they paused to take a breath, they were shoved aside by another penguin, not quite as tall as they were, and looking a little bedraggled. This one had a crown on its head, and its beak was a little crooked.

   "THE EMPEROR!" yelled the other penguins.

   "Yes, yes, leave us be now. I shall deal with them in my own manner, thank you." The Emperor's voice was a little rough, as if it didn't get used a lot.

   When the other penguins had left, the Emperor shuffled over to our group. 

   They all noticed that there was something off about this penguin. For one, he made a loud rubbing sound, like corduroy pants. For another, his eyes didn't seem to focus on anything, as if they were made of glass. For third, he beckoned them over.

   "Oh wow, am I glad to see you! Humans at last! I thought I'd never see humans again. Being surrounded by penguins is bad enough, but giant, angry, annoying penguins is pure torture."

   Perky and Cyril's wife looked a little confused, but Cyril spoke up.

   "I see the problem here. What we have is not a bona fide penguin, but what appears to be a man in a tattered penguin costume." He fingered the material.

   Billy Bob burst out,"Whut th'!"

   The Emperor took off his head to reveal the face of a man with a scraggly beard and tired eyes.

   "Now what in tarnation is this?" asked Billy Bob. "Why in heck are yuh wearin' a penguin costume and pretendin' to be an emperor?"

   "Well," said the so-called Emperor. "I shall tell my story briefly, because I really don't have much time. They're so demanding." He cleared his throat.

   "Once upon a time I was a modest nobody by the name of Reginald Runt. One day, bored by my job counting pencils for a madman, which wasn't as interesting as it sounds, I decided to have an adventure. I withdrew my savings and and hired a boat to explore the polar regions. Everybody else went to exotic tropical places, so why not a cold place with no rum drinks? I was soon to regret this decision. Not because of the cold and isolation, which I quite liked, but because of my present situation. I had a fine time exploring a world of grey seas and ice floes, but then one day the captain of the small vessel, who had a stash of rum I didn't know about, got tired of the trip and drank an entire bottle to himself. He yelled angrily about the snow demons who wanted to feast on his unmentionables, took the wheel and crashed the ship on a big ice floe. We all blacked out. When I woke up, the captain and crew were gone, and it was just me. Well, me and a penguin. Funny looking creatures, I thought. Well, not this one. For one, it was as tall as a man, and was carrying a sword. It prodded me to get up, so I did. It marched me across the floe to this place, the ice castle. I was flabbergasted. It took me through a small side door, and into a chamber deep in what I learned later was the dungeon level. It spoke to me in my language, which furthered my confusion. It had a tale to tell, of death and betrayal, which I won't get into now except to say that the old Emperor, a real penguin, had been lured to a distant crevice and pushed in by what he had thought was his friend and confidante. Unknown to him, he had been followed by the penguin who captured me, who was his advisor, and who witnessed the whole sordid affair. Before the betrayer could enjoy his misdeed, my penguin rushed up behind him and pushed him into the same crevice. He had some quick thinking to do. The people couldn't know about this. They were totally brainwashed into thinking the Emperor was godly, infallible, perfect. Too strong to be defeated by something as sneaky as being pushed into a hole. If it came out, society would collapse. He had a little time to work with, because the Emperor had supposedly gone on a little day trip, and while he was walking around trying to think, he spotted my shipwreck. He saw me and a plan came together. He dragged me to the castle, into the dungeon, and explained everything. I was a little light-headed because of the accident, and as well he suggested I might live longer if I agreed to do what he said, so I went along. So here I am, pretending to be the Emperor of this endless waste. I think the high council has its suspicions, but they are also conditioned not to question the Emperor, so it's a tricky deal. I'm glad you're here, so you can help me escape!"

   The group looked stunned. Cyril's wife chewed on Reginald's penguin head.

   "You one a them escaped lunatics or somethin'?" said Billy Bob.

   "No, no, of course not! I realize it's totally ludicrous, but you have to believe me!" He looked around.  "Follow me." He motioned for them to follow him through a door that was next to a statue of a penguin with two heads.

   Shrugging, they all went in after him. It was a small room, not at all fancy, and it was only filled with two things: a small table, and on it, a small machine with blinking lights. 

   "This is my escape from this place. I found it in one of the dungeons. I think it's some sort of teleport machine, but I don't know how it works. I think it's missing a piece, but I don't know what or where to find it. I'm getting a little desperate. I hate eating raw fish guts!"

   They all looked blank, except for Cyril. 

   "Good lord," he said. "I have just the part! I found it one day, and knew it belonged to something like this, but I didn't have the machine it fits. Imagine that. How unlikely."

   He went over to the machine, and looked at it. Then he took the part from a pocket, and jammed it in. The machine made a sound like a muskrat farting, and the lights began to blink faster. He pulled a small lever on its side. All the lights went out, and they were in darkness. Reginald cursed loudly.

   Before he could attack Cyril, the lights came back on and the machine hummed softly. Behind the machine was a soft blue gateway made of light. They all looked at each other. 

   Before they could decide who would go first, there was loud shouting in the big room they had just left. 

   "Uh oh," said Reginald. "I think they found my head." It was true. He was missing his Emperor penguin head. He had left it behind. Time to step into the unknown. Without so much as a word, they all popped through the portal one by one, as fast as they could.

...to be continued. 

   

   

   

   

   

   

       

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #12

   "Hello, dear," said Cyril to the shambling heap.

   "Dear?" said Billy Bob. "You know this....thing?"

   "Of course," he replied. "This is my wife."

   "Your wife?!" exclaimed Perky. Something small and made of metal fell off something else. Bang.

   "Well, if you want to get persnickety, she used to be my wife. In all the hubbub involving me ending up here, she was caught in some sort of mysterious energy beam, the likes of which I had never seen before. It sort of pulled her apart and put her back together, along with the cat, but it wasn't put together the right way." Cyril looked half sad and half glad.

   "Ain't it kinda awkward?" asked Billy Bob. "I mean, where's her mouth?"

   The heap shuffled a bit from side to side. It looked a little sad, if something that looked like nothing could look like anything. There wasn't a lot of room in the tower, and it must have been uncomfortable for Cyril and his wife-thing to be in the same space. On the other hand...well...I don't think there was another hand. Except on the heap, which looked like it had more than the usual amount of hands and paws.

   It made a sound like a very large cat at the bottom of a deep well making a sad meowing sound.

   "Oh, she's hungry. Let me feed her," said Cyril. He went over to a table and grabbed something that looked like mouldy garbage. He took it to his wife and pressed it against her body. After a few seconds, it disappeared, absorbed into the interior.

   Perky's eyed were big and round. "Cool!" she said "I wish I could eat like that."

   Cyril looked sadly at her. "No, no you don't. I think it's quite painful for her." He smiled suddenly. "Well, on to the chamber!"

   "The chamber?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Yes! Where all the action is. You know, you lot showing up should prove to be very fortunate. My wife, ah, can't assist me in my experiments anymore due to her not having workable hands, Or a mouth. Or eyes. I think. But you! Four healthy hands I presume"---he looked at their hands---"so you can help me escape from this nightmare land!"

   He led them to another room, the entrance to which they hadn't seen due to it being behind a very large cabinet. He went through the narrow space between wall and cabinet, sucking in his stomach. His fingers beckoned them to follow. 

   When they were all in the chamber, they were awestruck. It was filled with equipment even stranger than the other room. 

   "What the heck is all this stuff?" said Billy Bob.

   Perky touched some piece of metal with lights on it. Cyril noticed it.

   "Don't touch!" he barked. She dropped it like it had teeth. A little drop of blood oozed out of it from a seam, and a low sighing sound was heard.

   Perky jumped back with a squeak.

   "It's...in a bad mood," said Cyril. When Billy Bob started to ask what it was, Cyril waved him off impatiently.

   "I need help to properly calibrate this thing." He pointed to a huge metal box, covered in flashing lights and levers. On the left side was a glass door.

   "So what do we do?" asked Billy Bob.

   "I want you to go over to that door and go inside. No, not you, the little one. She's the right size."

   Perky was innocent enough that she just saw it as a fun new thing to do, not a possibly fatal experiment by a small, scruffy man who was probably a mad scientist or maybe just an escaped lunatic. She went over and opened the glass door on the box.

   "Tell my friends I love them!" she said, unexpectedly ominous. She stepped inside and closed the door. 

   Cyril turned to Billy Bob. "I want you to go over there." He pointed at a smaller metal box that had only one large button on it in the middle. "When I say 'go!', you press that button. Don't delay! Hesitation is for losers!" He rubbed his hands together and cackled a little.

   "What I am going to do is, of course, the most important part," he continued. His eyes seemed to glow a bit. Billy Bob shuffled nervously. The overhead lights flickered.

   Cyril grabbed something from a table that looked like a steering wheel with buttons in the middle. He pressed one, then another, then looked at Billy Bob. "Time is of the essence!"

   "Why's that?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Well, you know those horrible creatures outside who wanted to eat you? Well, they do want to eat you. And me. All of us. I don't know if they're cannibals by birth, or whether they're just really hungry because this land is awful and nothing grows here. They've been trying to get inside this tower since I arrived, and even though the walls are really thick, when crazed flesh-eating monster people bang against it for a long time, the walls weaken. Let me tell you, it can be hard to conduct my experiments with that loud bang! bang! bang! sound going on. And the growling sounds, too. Bang! Growl! Ooh! Aah! It can drive a man mad, mad I say!" He stopped and looked at Billy Bob with a sly grin. "Not that I'm mad. I'm feeling much better now."

   He pressed a couple more buttons. 

   "Are you ready?" he asked. Billy Bob nodded.

   Cyril pressed one final button. The steering wheel made a loud PING! He pointed to Billy Bob. "Now!"

   Billy Bob pressed the big button. For a long, agonizing moment, nothing happened. Then all the lights on the big metal box lit up, all racing around each other in a crazy pattern. A bright green light lit up the small room Perky was in, clouding up the glass door in a thick mist. The large box started shaking and making a keening sound, like a turtle trying to sing opera. The lights in the room went off and on several times. Cyril fell to the floor, then got back up. He started yelling.

   "Yes, baby, yes! Finally!"

   All the sounds and lights suddenly stopped. An eerie silence boomed out. Cyril darted for the exit. Billy Bob went over to the glass door and let Perky out. She looked up at him.

   "What happened?"

   Billy Bob looked in the direction Cyril had gone. He scratched his cheek. "I don't rightly know. Maybe somethin', maybe nothin'. Guess we can go have a look see."

   They both followed Cyril, squeezing their way back to the main room. 

   He stood there, arms around his wife-thing. He let go and danced towards Billy Bob and Perky. "Whoohoo!"

   "Well? What happened?" asked Perky. She looked excited and scared at the same time.

   "I have no idea! Let's go look, shall we?" Cyril looked more ruffled than he usually did. He walked over to the door and put his ear to it. He stood there for a full minute, listening. Perky and Billy Bob didn't dare interrupt; they were paralyzed by doubt. Finally Cyril opened the door. He squinted, then stepped outside. There was no sound of him being torn to pieces. In fact, there was no sound at all except a low sound like wind. Perky and Billy Bob looked at each other. Perky took Billy Bob's hand and they walked out the door after Cyril.

    What they saw surprised them. Not a ravaged landscape inhabited by feral people. It was white. Bluish-white. Ice. It was a land of ice and snow, with what looked like a midnight sun. In the distance was what looked like a giant castle made of ice, with turrets and spires and many windows. Cyril was looking at it in awe.

   "W-what is it?" asked Perky, cold breath coming out of her mouth.

   "Hell if I know. Shit, it didn't work. All I know is that we're not in Kansas anymore."

   "Where's Kansas?" asked Billy Bob. 

   "Oh," said Cyril. "I guess you wouldn't know. It's a flat land where strange people grow tall plants. Sometimes tornadoes come along and blow it all down, and they start all over again. And again..."

   "Sounds scary," said Perky, rubbing her hands together. "Is this England?"

   "Not at all!" said Cyril. "Maybe England fifty thousand years ago. No, England is a green land, full of trees and rivers and polluted cities." He rubbed his hands together. "Boy howdy, it's cold! Before we go to that castle I'm going to put on some warmer clothing!" He walked briskly back into his tower. "There's some for you too, if you want it."

   When they were back inside, they saw a strange sight. OK, so all they ever saw was strange sights, but this was stranger. Cyril's wife, the mess of a heap, was glowing in a pale blue light. It crackled all over her, crawling around her body like snakes on speed. She stood there unmoving, either by choice or by force. Suddenly, she was covered in a cone of blue light, and they all covered their eyes. A loud sound like a burp was heard, and then nothing. They opened their eyes. The heap was gone, replaced by a woman with long dark hair and a look of surprise on her face. She seemed to have a small third eyebrow above her left eyebrow, but looked otherwise normal. 

   Cyril broke out in a smile. "Darling!" he shouted. "Welcome back!" He ran over and embraced her warmly.

   She continued to look surprised. 

   Cyril looked concerned. "Darling?" He looked into her eyes. Her mouth opened.

   "Beep," she said.

   "Hm, I was afraid of this. When she eventually returned from the zygosian dimensional interregnum like I knew she would, it would be a little disorienting. I only hope her brainwaves haven't been compromised." He frowned. 

   "What would happen then?" asked Billy Bob. 

   "She'd be left with a completely blank mind! I'd have to re-educate her from scratch, and I simply don't have the time. I'd have to leave her with others, and who can you trust in this day and age? Probably some seedy tutors who got their degrees from a back alley diploma gang! No, no, that won't do. Well," he sighed. "I guess I'll have to have her tag along and do what I can do."

   After they had all dressed in warmer clothing, they stepped outside to begin their journey to the ice castle. However, right outside was an odd being. It looked like a penguin, but pink and green instead of black and white. It shimmered and separated into two of them. 

   "Greetings!" said Penguin One. 

   "Follow us!" said Penguin Two. 

   When our gang looked hesitant, the penguins glowed and tendrils of light zapped out and stung them. 

   "The Emperor is waiting," they said in unison.

   Everybody started walking.

...to be continued.

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

       

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #11

    The screaming stopped suddenly as Perky and Billy Bob landed on all the people. Well, almost landed. Another burst of energy from the tower zapped them and they sort of bounced sideways, landing on a heap of dirty clothes. The heap made a loud sound. 

   "Ow!"

   "I didn't know dirty clothing could talk," said Perky. "Neat!"

   "Ah, maybe if it's some sort a magic clothing, like the kind I used ta wear back when I was a kid," replied Billy Bob.

   Perky looked at him, then at all the people surrounding them, who had at first run away when the carpet was coming in for a crash landing, then had wandered back to see what was going on. Some didn't come back, they continued to gather round the shiny tower and stare up at it, expecting something to happen but not knowing what exactly, or when, or if it was fattening.

   "B-Billy B-Bob, who are these people?" she shivered.

   Just as Billy Bob was going to give her a wise answer, probably, the heap of dirty clothes said "ow!" again and began to move. It moved only a little at first, then more violently. Billy Bob and Perky shook and shimmied, then fell off the carpet onto the soiled ground. Yes, ground is by definition made of soil, but this ground was somehow dirtier than regular dirt. It was the dirty dirt made by generations of people who were gathered around some fantastic object they couldn't manage to break away from, and they cared not a whit for unnecessary activities like hygiene. They ate, did their business, slept, and stared up at the shiny silver tower that sometimes spat forth bursts of wild energy. And they did all of this on one piece of ground. Year after year, standing on layers of their ancestors. Just to make it clear, the stench was incredible. Perky and Billy Bob had been so startled by their almost crash and almost violent death that they hadn't quite registered it at first, but now they did, and they did not like it. 

   "Pee-yoo!" cried Perky. She gathered part of her clothing and pulled it over her face. 

   From under the heap of dirty clothes crawled something that might possibly have been a person, but was now so dirty and rumpled it looked like something a cat puked up and which had somehow learned to talk.

   It stared at our duo and started jumping up and down in a fury.

   "Youuuu homewreckers! You nasty flaccid waxy plastic bags of I-don't-know-what! You come down here like rancid angels with personality defects and wreck my home, my bee-yoo-ti-ful home! I'll make you pay! I'll get youuuu for this!" It had a gravelly voice and spittle flew out of its mouth in almost beautiful arcs of glittering lace made of saliva. It ran over to Billy Bob and started punching him. 

   "Jesus fuck!" yelled Billy Bob. "Quit hammering on my knee, you little bastard!"

   The angry ball of fury was also very short. I mean, like, seriously diminutive. Not in a microscopic way, no, that would be ridiculous, but just short enough to be comical, like a good rest for your drink.

   Meanwhile, all the creepy people surrounding them began to laugh, but since they probably hadn't laughed in about 307 years, it came out more like a creaky door, or a bent, rusty kettle on half steam. 

   "What are youuuu looking at? Once I get my reeevenge on these sky jerks, I'm-a gonna git alla you! You nerds, you clumps, you clots, you roont my beautiful tower!" spittled the angry ball.

   The crowd just hummed slowly.

   "Who," began Billy Bob, "in the seven hells of tarnation are you?"

   The little guy just stared, his mouth open. "Who am I? Who am I? Whoooo are youuuu?"

   Perky jumped up from the ground. "I'm Perky Buttercup! I have come from a long way away, I have seen a lot of creepy and mean people, and I miss my home and my friends and can't wait to get back to them."

   Billy Bob said, "And I am Billy Bob Swamp Abompbompbomp. I met her a little while back, and I aim to help her get back home."

   The angry ball stared some more, then said in a quiet, reasonable voice, "Oh right then. I'm called Cyril Sidgery. Once upon a time I lived in a place called Saham Toney. It's near Great Hockham."

   Perky and Billy Bob looked blank.

   "You know, in England?"

   Still blank.

   "You've never heard of England?" Head shakes. "Then where in blazes am I?"

   "Well, near as I can figure, in the middle of nowhere, at the foot of a mysterious metal tower that shoots out fingers of energy. And the people of this town are so hypnotized by it, they stand around staring at it until they drop dead," said Billy Bob.

   "Did you see a weird light in the east?" asked Perky.

   "Now that you mention it, yes, I did. I was working on a new kind of energy transmitter, and it started to act up just after there was a weird light in the east. The ground began to shake, even though there's never any earthquakes in England, and my tower emitted a huge burst of light. I was knocked out, and I woke up here. I have no idea how long I was out." Cyril looked a little disturbed.

   "Well, these people, and all the dead bodies, look like they've been here a long time, but then again, since that weird light in the east, things have been mighty strange hereabouts." Billy Bob stroked his chin. "I wonder if your tower and the light are connected? I wonder if time has been distorted so that what might be three hundred years here are only three hundred minutes back in Ankleland."

   "England. Not 'Ankleland'". 

   "Well, I've never been there, so I'll have to take your word for it."

   Just then Perky noticed that more and more people were turning away from the tower and towards our little group. The people were very skinny and pale, and looked like they only ate when absolutely necessary, and that that time was now. Their hollow eyes sunk further into their faces, their lips pulled back to reveal yellow, cracked teeth that in some cases had turned into sharp, black splinters, and their skeletal fingers extended out, tipped with dangerous looking fingernails. They shuffled closer.

   "Good lord!" exclaimed Cyril. "Quick, follow me!"

   He ran around the side of the tower, Billy Bob and Perky close behind. Cyril pulled out a small box from his dirty folds, and pointed it at the smooth metal wall. A door which had been totally invisible was now visible, sliding into the structure. They all tumbled in and fell to the floor. Cyril pointed the box at the doorway and it shut quickly. The faint thud of angry, hungry bodies hitting the metal wall outside made them all shiver. It was very dark inside. Cyril clapped his hands and they were flooded with light.

   "This," he said, getting up and waving his arm, "is my laboratory. You see, despite what I may look like, I am in actual fact, an inventor!" He beamed triumphantly.

   The other two had no idea what any of the stuff was in the room, so they just stared blankly. Cyril noticed their lack of enthusiasm, so he began speaking rapidly.

   "Er, uh, well, you see, it mostly has to do with the efficient transmission of an endless, cheap supply of energy. There's some stuff over there that has to do with making square bread, but ignore that. My main goal in life is to make energy enough for everybody!"

   "For what reason?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Well, so they can use their devices and machines and never run out of energy! No more dirty oil or coal, or dangerous nuclear energy!"

   "What sort of devices would that be?" Billy Bob asked evenly.

   "You know, lights and washing machines and phones and cars and tellies and big neon billboards and all that sort of thing."

   "I don't think we have any of that here."

   "You don't----then how do things work?"

   Perky spoke up. "They just do! Like these---" she pulled a long string that glowed from a pocket and waved it around so that it created traces in the air. "Isn't it fun?"

   "Remarkable," muttered Cyril. "So you have things that you've made and they just...work?"

   "Sure nuff," said Billy Bob. "Seems like a lot a hassle, tryin' to invent things and expendin' all that energy to create more energy. We just make things and they go. Mostly people here are pretty simple. Yeah, you got some evil overlords ever so often here'n'there who want big fancy things, like havin' their names in lights a hundred feet high in the sky, but after a few years they see how people don't care much for it, and they tend to pack up in the night and go away somewhere else." He thought for a moment. "You know, maybe it's the same one or two who just keep movin' around. Huh."

   "Well, where I'm from, people want a lot of fancy, shiny things that whir and beep and make lights and talk to you," said Cyril.

   "Whoa!" piped up Perky. "That sounds like a bowl of fun! Can you make these things say funny things? Can they be your new best friend?" She jumped up and down.

   "Well, I suppose so, with some of the new..." Cyril trailed off as a loud moaning sound echoed through the room.

   As one, all three looked behind them. That's never good, you know. Loud moaning sounds coming from behind you when you never even knew there was anyone---or anything---there. In fact, none of them should have looked behind them at all. It would have saved them quite a lot of horror, although on the other hand, it would have shortened their lives by quite a wide margin. But look they did. And this is what they saw.

   Imagine a human being that has been dead for a while, but then the death part was dialed back a bit so that it looked sort of alive, but still sort of ill. Various parts didn't quite change back the same, so it looked wonky. Now imagine that while all of this horror was happening, that a cat leaped on the person and was included in the process. So now you had two badly constructed, half-dead things all mushed together. And of course it couldn't walk properly, but it could shuffle fairly fast. I suppose all the moaning could have been the thing trying to say,"Hey! Don't be afraid! It's just me!" But of course your animal mind was just freaking out and looking for a tree to climb, but not finding any, you just ran around in circles. Perky ran around in circles, and Billy Bob tried climbing the walls but only found shelves that he pulled down. 

   Cyril had a different reaction. After a brief but unmistakable jolt of surprise, he looked calmly at the shuffling horror and said three words.

   "Oh, hello dear."

...to be continued.

   

   

   

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #10

   Perky and Billy Bob burst out of the big green baby's porky bottom and tumbled down the side of a mountain. It was covered in rocks and was on a gentle slope, but still, falling down a mountain isn't pleasant unless you like that kind of thing, which they definitely didn't. As they bounced, small rocks bounced with them, covering them with a spray. With alarm, they saw a very large boulder up ahead, but before they could try to avoid it, they hit it. Imagine their surprise when instead of splatting against it like bags of hospital waste, they made a soft poof! sound and came to a halt.
   Perky's eyes opened wide. "Why aren't we dead?"
   Billy Bob sat up and touched the boulder. He rubbed it thoughtfully with his fingers. He made little sounds. "Seems like it's a velvet boulder. Very rare. I only ever encountered one before, when I was a young man. It was in a brothel....er, I'll save that story for later."
   He got up and walked around the boulder. He stared for a moment, then picked up something and showed it to Perky.
   "A carpet?" she said.
   "A magic carpet," replied Billy Bob. "Well, this is both convenient and very unlikely." His left eyebrow went up a notch.
   "But it has a steering wheel," said Perky.
   "A helm," said Billy Bob. "Well, this makes our journey much easier." He looked back up the hill.
   Perky did, too. "That big green baby's bottom is sticking out of the mountainside! It must get cold at night."
   "I don't think it's aware of the same things we mundane mortals get bothered by. Well, time's a-wastin'. Hop on and we'll take off."
   Since they had no luggage, they got on the carpet very fast, although Perky had to step around another boulder (not velvet; she checked) to answer nature's call.
   Once they got on, Billy Bob tilted the helm up and they rose. Once they were a good height above the ground, he turned to the east and continued their trek. The mountain slope ended shortly and then they were above a long and wide valley. A river snaked its way through it, and everywhere was greenery. They could see some farms, but they didn't look right. All brown and jumbled looking, as if a tornado had destroyed only the farms. They passed a bird in flight, which looked offended that they were flying without any wings and flew off in a huff.
   The daylight glinted off the river, and they saw what looked like boats, but boats that were barely above water. Perky pointed.
   "Hey! That looks like a village! We should stop there and ask for directions!"
   Billy Bob shook his head. "Nope. That would not be a good idea. Most of the people who live there are skeletons, and the rest just lay around and do drugs. And not even the good ones---just the ones that make you annoying. Also, the people who live there have weird-lookin' feet. They give me the creeps."
   Perky looked disappointed. "Well, what's the name of the village? Huh?"
   "Pleng!" gasped Billy Bob.
   "Pleng? That's the name of the village?"
   Billy Bob coughed. "Ah, no, sorry, I had something in my throat. Nobody remembers what its name is. Most people don't even care anyway."
   "That's sad," said Perky, looking sad. A single glittery teardrop ran down her cheek, and then the wind snatched it and whipped it away at an incredibly fast speed. It flew through the air until it caught up with the haughty bird and smacked it on its feathery ass. It gave a loud squawk and dropped what I assume was an egg. I assume it was an egg because what happened next would have been a lot grosser if it was something else. The "egg" fell straight down and hit someone on the head. This someone, probably a man but possibly a walking stack of sticks, stopped walking and looked up. Then he wiped the "egg" off his face, tasted it, spat it out, then fell onto the grass at the side of the road and started rolling around. Another man/stack of sticks who had been following a few paces behind saw all this and darted forward.
   "Are you OK? Zood! Are you OK?" He started kicking the one on the ground, called Zood, who grunted in pain and grabbed at his travelling companion's legs.
   "Vozz! What the dirty plate? Stop kicking me!" Zood tripped Vozz, and now they were both on the ground.
   "What for did you fall over?" asked Vozz.
   "A egg hit me on the head! Well, maybe it a egg, maybe something else. I taste, it don't taste so good." Zood looked grumpy.
   Vozz stuck a finger on the mess on Zood's head and tasted it himself. "Haha! You ain't no big stone! This no egg, it's....it's...well, something else that come out of a bird ass." He giggled.
   Zood looked angry. "Like what? Like a worm? Like a arm of someone I don't like?"
   Vozz laughed even harder. "No! No!"
   Zood punched Vozz on the head. "Tell me!"
   "Like shit! Shit!"
   Zood looked at Vozz strangely. "Tell me, Vozz. If it shit, then what about the pieces of shell? Huh?"
   Vozz stopped laughing. "What you mean?"
   Zood showed him. "Look, see, there is pieces of shell in all this mess."
   They both looked closely at it. They touched it. They smelled it. They tasted it again.
   "I think I know," said Vozz.
   "What? Tell me!"
   Vozz paused a moment to look important. "I think a bird, or someone strange who live in the air, squeezed out a egg, but the egg....is filled with shit!" He smiled triumphantly.
   Zood looked a little hurt. "But why would someone do that? Drop a shit egg on me? I just walk like you just walk, to village of Pleng or whatever, to ask for maybe food or maybe some wax. Why someone drop a shit egg on me? What the matter with them?"
   Vozz looked thoughtful. "Maybe you offend someone. Someone who fly in the air."
   "I don't know anyone who fly in air! Except bird, but I eat bird! If I eat bird, then nobody to get offended! Problem solved." Zood looked even grumpier.
   "Well, then, Zood, my friend, I don't know why someone drop a shit egg on you. Maybe it just one of those days. Maybe tomorrow someone drop some wax or food on you. Then we don't have to go to no dumb village where the dumb skeletons smoke cigars."
   Zood shook his head. Something caught his eye. He looked up at the mountain and saw something astonishing. He grabbed Vozz's arm and pointed. "Look! Up on mountainside! It look like big green baby bottom! You know what that mean..."
   They looked at each other craftily, then spoke at the same time.
   "Free wax, and screw the limits!"
   They both got up and scrambled up the side of the mountain.
   Meanwhile, back on the flying carpet...
   "Why can't we visit the village again?" asked Perky. "I'm hungry!"
   Billy Bob reached under the carpet and pulled out a bag. "Here, have some of this."
   Perky looked at the bag. "What's in here?"
   "Well, there's a good chance there's some food."
   "What if there's no food in it?" she asked.
   "Well, then, there's a good chance it's a poisonous spider with huge fangs."
   Perky screamed. "I hate spiders! I don't wanna look inside!"
   "Relax, kid, it's probably food. The last time there was a spider instead of food was eight years ago. And the guy who got bit didn't die. At least not right away."
   Perky looked horrified.
   Billy Bob grinned. "Ah, he had the croup and was gonna die anyhow." He opened the bag.
   "Mm! Pastrami and swiss on rye. My favourite. Here, have one. There's plenty." He handed one to Perky.
   As they ate their sandwiches, the carpet flew over the village and the fields beyond. After looking at a lot of quite frankly pathetic land, they flew over another village. It was a lot bigger than the last one, but still kind of rundown. The streets were crooked and didn't seem to run anywhere useful, but there was a tall tower made of some shiny silver metal, right in the middle of the village. On second thought, all the streets led to the tower, and they could see a lot of people gathered around it. Suddenly, from the tippy top of the tower, a wild hairy burst of electricity spouted. The people, who looked like ants but were just ugly, made a loud OOH sound.
   "What's that?" asked Perky excitedly. "Can we stop there? That looks fun!"
   Billy Bob frowned. "It may look like fun, but have you noticed that village? Nobody does anything. It would be abandoned, except all the people are there, gathered around that tower. In fact, look what they're standing on---the corpses of their neighbours! That's a death trap, is what it is." He steered the carpet away from the village, but almost immediately, another burst of energy exploded from the tower, but this time, a tentacle of it shot straight for the carpet.
   The carpet shook, and they were bathed in an eerie glow as their bodies spasmed. Billy Bob lost grasp of the helm, and it spun wildly. The carpet stopped flying forward, and plummeted down, down...
   They were going to crash onto the masses of people gathered around the tower. Perky and Billy Bob screamed as they fell, and the little ugly people in the village looked up and screamed as well. The sound of the screams combined with another violent burst of energy from the tower. The sky lit up a spooky red colour.
   All seemed lost.


...to be continued.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #9

   The gang trooped along after Ori, the green rabbit, looking with interest and a little fear at the jungle as they walked. Things that looked like vines but had eyes that opened and stared at their passing startled them, except for Billy Bob and Abner. Billy Bob just winked, while Abner took notes. The heat was oppressive and humid after the desert. Perky's pant leg got caught on a thorn and she screamed a scream that cut off, because what was attached to the thorn was even worse. It was a small creature with black fur and big buckteeth.
   "How av oo?", it seemed to ask.
   Ori looked back. "Oh, that's just Simple Stanley. He's harmless. He mostly drools a lot. It's kind of disgusting, but we're used to it. He asked how you are."
   Perky looked a little shy. "I'm good, thanks."
   "Don't bother talking to him. He just says things, he doesn't actually understand us," said Ori. "Haha! Good thing, too."
   Simple Stanley had a sad look on his face as the group walked away.
   Now that they knew that not everything in the jungle was going to kill them, they enjoyed the journey more.
   "Hey, rabbit!" called Shok. "Why didn't you make some sort of path through this mess? It's kind of a hassle, with all the vines and thorns and stuff."
   Ori answered without turning around. "We did try, long ago. You make a path, and the next day, the jungle reclaims it. It's not worth it. Besides, there are paths, if you know what to look for."
   Shok looked doubtful.
   All during their walk, strange calls echoed in the jungle canopy. There were the usual bird calls, monkey howls, and insect hum, but there were also what sounded like people saying "ah hoo hoo whatcha say!" and "batter up batter up, six bucks a cup!", then it sounded like all these hidden figures got into a wild slap fight.
   "What's that?" asked Perky.
   Ori chuckled. "Oh, just some lost salesmen and lawyers. Their planes crashed here decades ago, and they haunt this jungle with their nonsense. They're feral and a little kookoo. I rarely see them, but they're kind of faded, as if their purpose is being lost. One day, when nobody cares or notices, they'll disappear."
   "How sad!' said Perky.
   "Don't be sad! They'll sell you junk or life insurance policies if you let 'em! Leave them be."
   After walking another few minutes, they came to a tall, narrow stone, and around the corner was a comfortable-looking house, set low to the ground in a clearing.
   Ori turned around. "Well, here we are! Casa Conejo. Welcome to my humble abode. Don't mind the kids, I lost count how many there are. We are, after all, rabbits, ya know." He winked. Perky and Shok blushed. Billy Bob chuckled. Abner took notes.
   Some of the aforementioned kids came running out of the house and jumped on their father. He continued walking, but more slowly. "Oof!"
   His wife came out, too. She was pleasant-looking apart from the crossed eyes.
   "This is Morka. She puts up with me." Morka smiled.
   Shok looked at the clearing. "Hey, how come the jungle doesn't reclaim this clearing?"
   "It's the only place on this mesa where jungle doesn't grow. We weren't sure why at first, but then we discovered the big secret," replied Ori. He paused and waited for someone to ask what the big secret was. After an uncomfortably long pause, he sighed and continued. "The jungle has a bald spot!" He grinned widely and did a little shuffle.
   One of his kids, an older girl, sighed and said,"Dad, nobody thinks that's funny, ever!"
   Ori gave her the stinkeye. "Well, it does...but there's a reason! The reason is deep underground, though. Come in, we'll eat and drink and I'll tell you more."
   The house was low but spacious. Room after room spread out from the front door. In a level below, there were even more rooms dug into the ground, as rabbits do like a good warren. The walls were mostly bare except for a few old pictures. The construction of the house was solid if basic. Beams supported the roof, and it gave the effect of looking like a really big cabin in the woods, which was what it was. Everything was painted white, which had gotten a little yellow over the years with age and with smoke from cooking. Ori led the way to the big living room at the back, the passage choked with kids and their toys.
   "Clean this up or I'll give them away to the Eargators!" he growled at no-one in particular.
   "What the hell's an Eargator?" asked Shok.
   A small kid piped up. "An Eargator is a vicious animal that puts its finger in your ear and lays little eggs, which hatch in your skull and eat their way out of your head!" The kid, a little boy, laughed hysterically.
   "What's so funny?" said Shok, looking a little green himself.
   The boy looked solemn. "Well, you'd have to be pretty dumb to get caught by an Eargator. They're really big and slow, and you can hear them coming from miles away."
   They reached the living room, where food and drink was already waiting. It was mostly carrots and celery, but there were also some odd-looking fruit and even some gum. The drink was unfamiliar.
   "Drink up! It's our own special brew---honey spider cider," said Ori. Everyone looked a little nauseous, except for Billy Bob, who licked his lips. "Don't worry, it's better-tasting than its name! Haha, it would have to be."
   They all sat around the large round table, sitting in very comfy chairs. Ori looked at Abner.
   "Hey, Abner! Stop taking notes!"
   Abner looked up, a little startled. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
   Ori looked exasperated. "Of course you do. We met years ago, at that party those bug people gave. Well, I had different-coloured fur back then, more of a blue. And I wasn't calling myself Ori. I was Pambilo Gambaladoolah. And it was a long way from here. Plus I didn't have the wife and kids. A lot has changed since then. For instance, you got a new hat!"
   Abner closed his eyes. "Ah yes, now it's coming back." His eyes opened. He frowned. "I seem to remember you stole something of mine, a very useful device."
   Ori took a sip of his drink. "Ah, but that was years ago. Surely you've gotten a newer and much better very useful device!"
   "You're missing the point," said Abner.
   "Drink up! Let the night be merry. After all, there are more dangerous and serious things stalking the land these days." He looked around at the gathered group. "I should tell you about this place's big secret. It may help you."
   He took another sip and a bite of a blue carrot.   
   "Of course, I discovered this secret years before the light in the east. I was digging around in the basement, seeing if I could make a sub-basement. I broke through the rock and found a big hole. An odd green light poured out, not harsh but soft. I could see that there a sort of natural staircase in the rock, so I decided to go investigate. Morka didn't like that." He grinned at her. She smiled back but with her crossed eyes, nobody could tell if she was mad or not.
   Ori continued. "I didn't have to go down very far before I discovered where the green light was coming from. In the middle of a cavern was a pedestal, and on that pedestal---I kid you not---was a big green baby. I mean a baby that was human, like the three of you." He pointed at Perky, Shok, and Billy Bob.
   "The baby just sat there, with a permanently surprised look on its face. It didn't move at all, but it didn't seem dead, just in suspended animation. The green light emanated from its entire body, but the eyes were a deeper green. Kinda hypnotic. I stared at it for a while, then shook myself out of it, and walked around the pedestal. There was nothing else there, just the green baby on the pedestal. After staring for a few minutes, I noticed that a carrot I was carrying had wilted and died. I was starting to feel a little queasy myself, so I got out of there and went back up to the house. When I got back up, I put a rock over the hole and sat down, panting and sweating. Morka came in and screamed. I looked down at myself and saw that my blue fur had turned green. And that's the honest truth!"
   Morka stuck her tongue out. "Oh, piffle. I didn't scream!"
   "So that's why no plants grow in the area above the cavern. That weird green light kills it," said Ori.
   Abner stared. "A big green baby bleeding green light causes vegetation to wither and die? That seems incredibly unlikely."
   "And you're a talking bird!" snorted Shok.
   Abner looked offended. "I am most certainly not a bird, young man! Birds are silly creatures that fly around, tweet, and shit all over everything. Imagine comparing me to them. Harumph!"
   "Well, you look like a bird," muttered Shok.
   "And you look like a big talking thumb."
   Morka began tsking. "Boys, boys! Have some more cake!"
   "Oh, so that's what that was!" said Billy Bob. "I thought it was gum."
   "Gum! Really!" snorted Morka.
   After they had all calmed down, they ate and drank and talked until late. Then, tired from their day, they all went to bed, each one having their own room.
   Perky had a hard time getting to sleep, which was unusual. She was basically a positive person, without many troubles to keep her awake at night. She tossed and turned, throwing the blankets off her. So many things had happened to her lately, things she had never experienced before, upsetting things, that now in the dark of night, she was wondering if she'd be all right. She had never had a thought like that before. Of course she was going to be all right....right? Eventually, exhaustion overcame her and she fell asleep, but her dreams were troubled, full of nasty evil creatures, biting at her and drawing blood. She flailed and somehow her fingernails had grown into talons, and she slashed at the darkness, causing white light to burst out in rays. The dark spaces screamed out and cursed her. The floor became slippery with blood and she slipped but then floated before she fell. She soared up high, to the top of the room she was in, and sailed through a small hole. She was on top of a big mountain and the sun's rays were strong and yellow and warmed her. Below her in the hole, dark voices screamed and cried and faded.
   She woke up with a start. It was still night and she heard people talking loudly. She got out of bed and went to the door. It opened before she could touch it. Shok was there.
   "Hey, wake up! Stuff's happening."
   Perky followed Shok to the living room. Everyone was there, all talking at once, it seemed. "What's going on?" she asked.
   Billy Bob looked serious. "We're under attack. Certain evil things know we are here and we don't have much time. I think they're after you."
   "Me? Why me?" she gasped.
   "It all probably has to do with that light in the east, and your quest to see the old man in the cave. It seems like it's not just a little fun journey, but something more serious. It's important for you to succeed. Apparently some parties have an interest in seeing you fail," said Abner. "We have to figure out how to get you out of here. The place is surrounded. There's that little black and red thing that followed us. I thought it was harmless, but it seems like it was a spy. It's brought bigger and nastier friends. Friends with big teeth."
   Perky paled. "I think I dreamed about them last night. I fought them off and escaped."
   "Well, I hope that's a sign that things will go well for you," replied Abner. He looked at Billy Bob and Ori. "Gentlemen, I believe we have a few things to talk about."
   "Hey, what about me?" said Shok.
   Billy Bob shook his head. "No, son, we three have had some experience in things like this. You can escort Perky to safety. I think the basement is best."
   Shok grumbled about being a babysitter in a dumb hole.
   "It's very important she be kept safe!" growled Billy Bob.
   Abner, Ori and Billy Bob left the room, followed by Morka. When Abner and Billy Bob raised their eyebrows, Ori said,"Oh haha, I forgot to tell you she was a champion knife thrower before we met. She even defeated Clogong the Impervious. She found a sensitive area, haha!"
   "My village was kind of a terrible place to grow up in," said Morka. "It was either throw knives, or become a beautician."
   After a very short amount of time (they actually had just gone out of the room to get some fancy clothes to wear), the four came back and told of the plan.
   "OK," said Billy Bob. "I guess we just go out and try to keep 'em off. We have some knives and other weapons. I know a few tricks and so does Abner. Morka and Ori do what they do---"
   "I go berserk!" grinned Ori.
   "---and Shok, you take Perky down to the basement and through that hole to the green baby cave."
   "I thought that was a dangerous place?" asked Perky.
   "Abner's been lookin' through his notes, and he thinks there's more to that place than meets the eye."
   Shok led the way while Perky followed. "Come on, slowpoke!"
   All of the many kids had made themselves disappear into the many rooms of the house, some to areas even their parents didn't know about.
   The fighting foursome made their way to the front door. They looked out at the growing crowd.
   "Doesn't look good," said Ori.
   "It'll never get better than this," said Billy Bob.
   With a collective intake of breath, they opened the door and rushed out. Abner removed his hat and flung it, frisbee-style. Little mechanical arms opened up and several saws poked out. It swept through the nearest group of creatures and sliced through them like they were melted butter. Blood gushed out in a fan, soaking things behind them and choking the ones who had been laughing in triumphant expectation. They gurgled and choked to death, falling to the ground. The ones behind them trampled them in their mad rush to attack.
   Billy Bob had a crooked stick he had picked up off the ground. He leapt up and brought the stick down at a sideways angle, impaling several of the evil things. They stuck together and squealed like a living barbecue offering.
   Ori spun around and started screaming, a green tornado that crashed into a group of the enemy, his fists and feet spinning around rapidly, punching and breaking bones. Severed limbs fell off, blood coating their compatriots, as the afflicted screamed in agony and fell over as lumbered trees do.
   Morka had a different apron, this one with many pockets for her various knives. Quick as a wink, one after another she flung them with deadly accuracy at the approaching throng. Knives were buried in skulls, chests, through eye sockets and arms and legs. One creature who had turned to run away ended up with a nasty serrated blade embedded in its ass. As it fell, its face smashed on a stone and burst into gore.
   The attackers were undaunted by the deadly opposition and came at them. Billy Bob, Abner, Morka and Ori defended the house as best they could, but they were vastly outnumbered.
   "These things must have come here from somewhere else," grunted Ori. "I've been through this jungle many many times and never seen the likes of them."
   "Dark forces are against us," said Billy Bob, who by now had one of Morka's long knives in one hand and a burning torch in the other. He swatted at a small pink reptile. "We may not survive."
   "Oh, I don't know about that," said Abner, whose hat had come back to him, boomerang style. He dug around in his clothing. "Hold on and cover your ears!"
   He produced a small silver box. He pressed a button on the top, and it opened up, a serious metal flower. He tossed it at the creatures and ducked. It hung in the air for an impossible few seconds, then with a dull thump, exploded in a ball of red fire. When the smoke cleared, most of the attackers lay dead on the ground, while the survivors crawled or stumbled back into the jungle. The small creature with the black and red stripes was high in a tree, grinning at them. After staring at them, it vanished into the jungle.
   "I know what that is!" exclaimed Abner. "Terrible, terrible thing. I must get back home. It is in grave danger. Farewell!" With that, he ran into the darkness.
   Ori and Morka and Billy Bob were a little marked up but otherwise uninjured. The evil creatures counted on surprise and numbers to overwhelm foes, not skill in fighting.
   "I'd better go check on Perky and Shok," said Billy Bob suddenly.
   He ran into the house, while Ori and Morka followed more slowly. When Billy Bob got to the basement, he could see the green light coming from the hole. He called down. "Are you two all right?"
   Perky's small voice came up."Yes, but it feels very strange down here. Also, Shok keeps farting."
   "That's not me! I keep telling you, it's the big green baby!" protested Shok.
   Billy Bob climbed down and met them. His nose wrinkled. "Yeah, that smells like something not produced by a person."
   After he told them about the battle and Abner leaving, he looked at the big green baby. He picked up a rock and tossed it at it. It disappeared. "I thought so."
   "What?" said Perky.
   "It's another one a them portals. Planet seems to be riddled with 'em."
   "So what do we do?" said Perky.
   "Well, we gotta go through."
   Shok did not look pleased. "Hey, listen, I think I'm gonna go back with Abner and see if I can help him there. It's near my home. This place just gives me the creeps."
   "Be careful. Things aren't going to be any safer there than here," said Billy Bob. He patted Shok on the shoulder.
   Shok climbed back up the hole and ran out of the house, where he caught up to Abner and helped him repair the ship.
   "But why do we have to go through this weird green light, Billy Bob?" asked Perky, who didn't look very perky at all.
   "There's too many bad things behind us, and I think our journey must continue this way. Move forward, not backward."
   Perky didn't look convinced, but she took Billy Bob's hand and after taking a deep breath, they both leaped through the big green baby.


...to be continued!
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #8

   "Late fines?" said Perky.
   Abner looked uncomfortable. "Yes, well, although I have a lot of space and books now, when I was merely a young mad scientist, I could afford nothing like that. I borrowed a lot of books from the local library, back when there were such things as libraries, before all the strange things. I'd get so involved in my experiments that I'd forget to return them. And then I couldn't distinguish between books I owned and books I'd borrowed." He looked a little shifty."Okay, so I coveted the books. Anyway, they were not really aggressive about collecting fines. After the battles weakened everything and then that strange light in the eastern sky, they seem to, ah, have hired some new people in their collections department. Problem is, these people---and I use the term loosely---don't care what they destroy as long as they collect the fine."
   "That sounds dumb," said Shok. He frowned. "Dumb and scary."
   The furry crab tugged on Abner's leg again. "Yes? Oh, yes, mustn't forget." He walked rapidly out of the room. "Follow me!"
   "Follow me, follow me...what is he, a cult leader?" grumped Shok.
   "In another life, yes," said Billy Bob. "In another valley, they still acknowledge him as the Great Birdy Master."
   Perky bounded along in the line of people following Abner. "Where are we going?"
   Abner tossed back over his shoulder,"To my garage. Well, it has all my vehicles anyway. Vehicles for travelling on land, underwater, air, and gelatin."
   "Gelatin?" asked Perky.
   "You'd be surprised how many times you have a need for travelling through seas of gelatin," replied Abner.
   "Yeah, surprise isn't the word I'd use," said Shok. "More like disbelief."
   "You," piped up Billy Bob,"know very little about the outside world, young pup."
   They came to the garage and were met with the sight of many different kinds of vehicles, all apparently home-made and in various states of readiness. The room was big and yet cramped. Abner made his way to a large, ragged flying vehicle.
   "You sure that thing will take off, and not crash land somewhere?" asked Shok.
   "Oh, it will fly," said Abner. "It might crash land, too. You never know. That's what makes it more fun!"
   "I remember flying in that thing before," said Billy Bob. "Took me weeks to heal up."
   Perky's eyes were wide. "It looks so cool! I once saw a cartoon that had things like this. I always dreamed of flying in something like this."
   "Well, everybody pile in. It's all supplied with everything we need. We really must be going!" said Abner.
   Once everybody was cramped into the dangerous-looking flying machine and the furry crab had opened the garage doors, it took off with an ominous screeching sound and a puff of green smoke. Airborne, it went up fast and soon they could see the entire valley floor. Coming at Abner's place from the opposite direction was a strange black and green orb, with tendrils of electricity swirling around it madly. It moved rapidly and with a low sound you couldn't hear, but only feel deep inside your mind. It created a sense of anxiety and doom.
   "I feel hopeless and dead," said Perky, tears welling up.
   "Library cops," said Abner. "I've only encountered them once before, but back then they weren't working for the library, they were working for the Ice Demons."
   "Who are the Ice Demons?" asked Shok. "Murderous aliens from another planet?"
   "Nah," said Billy Bob. "I heard a them. They're some hockey team that really likes to win." He chuckled. "Of course, I also heard that they're murderous aliens from another planet. Them teams keep searching stranger and stranger places for talent."
   The orb got closer. Everybody looked panicked except for Billy Bob, who'd been through this kind of bullshit before, and Abner, who rubbed his hands together and then pointed to a large red button. "I hope this works! It's Super Warp Turbo. I've never used it before."
   Perky's eyes grew as wide as they ever had, but then her mouth looked grim and she spoke with confidence. "I know it will work, Mr. Oakbucket! You won't let those demon meanies in their dorky orb get us." She lunged forward and pressed the big red button.
   Everyone shouted at once and Abner looked shocked. Before anyone could do anything, they were all flattened by the enormous forces required for Super Warp Turbo. The skies outside the craft twisted and looped, the very light itself doing unimaginable things that were beyond all technical description. Their atoms complained as atoms do sometimes, and they were off with a loud pop.
   The back and green orb operated by the library cops/demons from somewhere far away was hit by the aftershock. Since it operated by clearly alien technology, the only thing that happened was that all of the bird shit that was falling from flying birds at that precise moment all over the world was attracted as if by a magnet to that point in space, and it was covered in tons of white splat. After a micro-moment, it dropped ever so slowly to the ground and sank halfway in.
   In what seemed like an eternity, and was an eternity in some undefined way, Abner's airship emerged from its journey with another loud pop, but with a little zap sound at the end. What they saw was not where they had been, obviously, but it looked unlike anything they had ever seen before.
   "Where the hell are we?" said Shok, peeling himself off the seat.
   Spread out before them was a vast mesa covered in thick vegetation. All sorts of trees, bushes, vines, grass and other things erupted in an orgy of life. Animals large and small bounded, crawled, flew and wriggled everywhere. Colours of every description assaulted the eye. Everything was so confusing and yet so beautiful.
   "I say," said Abner. "Look! There's a clearing that's just the right size for this ship. Good fortune, eh?"
   He landed the ship in the clearing, and they all stumbled out, feeling a little warp-sick. He turned to the rest."Remember, don't touch or eat any---" He frowned at Shok, who had taken a large bite out of what looked like a purple fruit. "Or eat anything else. You never know what will kill you. This place is still on our planet, I think, but lately things have been changing, so you never know what anything will do."
   Perky was pointing at something. "What's that?"
   "That" was what looked like a large green rabbit. It was at the edge of the clearing, staring at them not with fear, but with an undefined look that was part curiosity, part something else. Its nose twitched. Perky walked slowly up to it, reached out her hand and stroked its big floppy ears.
   "It's so soft!" she said.
   "You'd better stop," it said."You're turning me on and I have no idea if we're compatible."
   They all jumped with surprise, except Billy Bob, who farted, and Abner, who took out a notebook and was furiously scribbling things down.
   "My name is Ori," said the large green rabbit. "I'd say welcome to the jungle, but you've probably heard that joke before. I have no idea what that thing is you came here in is, but it looks like it's not exactly in ship-shape. Haha. OK, so I know it's some weird flying ship. You sure made a racket. I hope you're not here to kill, set up some vacation resort, or collect library fines. Or all three. So who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing here?"
   Billy Bob spoke first."Funny that you mention library fines..."
   "No, that's not funny at all. These days, it's downright murderous!" said Ori, nose twitching madly.
   Before anyone could respond, a wet pop sound was heard and they all slowly looked at the sky behind them.
   Shok laughed. "Haha! Bet you thought it was that orb thingy! I just made that sound with my mouth."
   Ori opened its mouth and bared scary-looking fangs. Abner scribbled.
   "Well," said Ori, "I suppose I'd better invite you to my house or something. Don't worry, my teeth are for show. I don't have much, but as long as you don't act like jerks, you can come in. It's a little messy, sorry. My shoulder is acting up and I can barely lift my arm. My life isn't very uplifting. Haha!"
   It turned around and after a pause, they all followed the large green rabbit into the deep, colourful jungle.
   At the far side of the clearing, a small skinny creature on four legs and red stripes along its black body peered from behind a large leaf and grinned to itself.


...to be continued.
 
 

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #7

   Perky and Shok looked at Abner Oakbucket's place with their mouths hanging open. Billy Bob had seen it before, so he just headed straight for the bathroom.
   "I hope there's toilet paper, unlike every other time I've been here, Abner," he said over his shoulder.
   Abner's eyes shifted away.
   "Well!" he said to Shok and Perky. "Shall I show you around?"
   "I guess," replied Shok. "I probably have better stuff at my parents' place."
   Abner stared at him, then looked at Perky. "And you? Are you also a little brat?"
   As Shok's face was twisting in anger, Perky grabbed his hand and said, "No, we're not brats, we're just tired, thirsty, and hungry."
   A sardonic look passed over Abner's face, then he led the way. Where they were was a sort of  receiving room, not very large. It was semi-circular and on the walls were drawings of geometric shapes. A big sign said "Don't Touch Anything". A small door in the middle of the wall opened up and a tiny creature peeked out. It looked surprised, then pulled back and slammed the door. Perky and Shok didn't notice because Abner was explaining about his house. The walls in the passage were covered in glowing blue and green lights, but not electric lights. They looked like algae.
   "What are those lights?" asked Perky.
   "Eh?" said Abner, interrupted. "Oh, just some bread mould that got out of hand. It seems to like living on the walls, which is good for me and for them. Occasionally you have to breathe on it." He coughed on some. "See?"
   He paused, lost in thought. "At first I was concerned because, ahem, it grew a little too big. It was taking over the house. Then I played some music, some music I myself composed. Quite brilliant, too. It's a sort of abstract music based on the molecular structure of crystal and yeast. Everyone I play it for seems to go into a spastic shock. Other than me, only the wall mould seems to like it. Hm, no accounting for taste. Once it heard some of the music, it stopped growing and has settled in nicely on the walls."
   He continued walking down the passage to the rest of the place. They passed a door. "This is the bathroom." He knocked vigourously.
   Billy Bob yelled. "Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. And no toilet paper, by the way. I'm gonna use this ole rag I found."
   Abner looked surprised. "That old rag is...well, nevermind." He pointed at another door on the other side. It was painted red with a large white circle in the middle. "Whatever you do, don't go in that room."
   "Why not?" asked Shok. "Is it dangerous or something?"
   "No, it's just a little messy."
   By this time Billy Bob had joined them. "Hey, did you try and tell 'em your music saved your life by stopping a deadly mutant mould?" He started laughing. "Boy oh boy, is that one of your funnier stories!"
   Abner drew himself up to his full height, straightened his top hat, and looked haughty. "I'll have you know, that is not funny! That is a true fact. Just ask the mould."
   "Right," said Billy Bob. "I'm gonna ask some wall mould a question. Shall I speak in French, or perhaps classical Latin?" He laughed some more, slapping his knees.
   Perky and Shok looked at the both of them. Abner frowned and continued walking.
   The house, as he explained, was originally a small shack, and then he kept adding onto it as needed, room after room, and passageways to connect them. It was more like an ant colony than a regular house, with two or three levels, depending on your point of view, plus a warren of basement rooms. There were rooms for science and leisure, as well as a kitchen and one or two bathrooms. He never knew---one kept getting lost somehow. There were also many random rooms that were used for whatever he needed them for. Covering most walls were various pieces of paper that were used for doodling, either formulas, or just whimsical drawings. Also, as they were beginning to notice, there were various strange animals, apparently refugees from experiments that had either escaped or were set free. They seemed harmless enough, although they certainly looked strange.
   "I see you've expanded a might, Abner," said Billy Bob.
   "Yes, yes, one must keep busy. Ahem. Did you say you were all hungry? The kitchen is right this way."
   "What kind of food do you have?" said Perky, looking a little peaked. Her glittery glow was fading.
   "Oh, all sorts. And all made from plant life from the surrounding area!" Abner's eyes lit up.
   "What, like mould burgers or something?" said Shok with a green look on his face.
   Abner smiled. "Yes, yes, if you want to describe them like that." A small crab-like being with fur was tugging on his pant leg. "What is it?" The being made a chittering noise. Abner looked alarmed. "Are you sure?" The crab jumped up and down and ran down the corridor.
   "Follow me!" exclaimed Abner. He took off after the crab.
   They followed him to a room close by. It was large and circular, with a picture of the solar system on the ceiling. Around the walls were various bits of machinery, all blinking lights and monitors. A few large buttons and levers made it all seem so serious. Abner ran straight to a large monitor that the crab was in front of. Green squiggly lines ran across it, kind of like a radar screen.
   "What's up, Abner?" asked Billy Bob. "I ain't never seen you look so riled up since that battle near on twenty years ago now."
   Abner stared at the screen. "That was nothing compared to this. That was a mere diversion. This threatens my entire life's work! Lives may be lost, scars will form, things will be destroyed. The whole planet may form many cracks that will look unseemly and violate the warranty. One day in the future, the planet will die. Before then, people will scream and babies will cry. Food will spoil, hair will fall out, people will get fat even though they watch their diet and exercise. New music will be recorded that will just...seem...wrong."
   Everyone looked disturbed. Shok and Perky looked a little scared. Even Billy Bob, good ol' reliable, even-keeled Billy Bob, looked a little uncomfortable. Perky was the first to speak.
   "What is it, Mr. Oakbucket? What's the horrible danger?"
   Abner turned to address them all. His face was solemn and he took a deep breath.
   "I owe some pretty serious late fines at the library."


...to be continued.

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #6

   The day was going to end up hot. They all knew it. The dust swirled around, getting in their hair and up their noses, and all of them were miserable. They had even stopped making tasteless jokes about each other.
   "Are we there yet?" Perky asked.
   Billy Bob shook his head. "No, little one." With more than a little irritation in his voice, he added,"If we were, you'd know."
   Perky looked a little pouty. "Just asking."
   Billy Bob tossed a snack at her. "Eat up."
   Shok Rijja was lagging behind a bit. His legs felt tired, despite having gotten plenty of exercise by walking in the hills for a long time, and his robe was beginning to become impregnated with dust and sweat. He sneakily sniffed himself, then wrinkled his nose. "Hey, does your friend Oakpucker have a shower, or a well, or something?"
   "Abner Oakbucket," replied Billy Bob, "has minimal accommodations. It's more of a secret laboratory than a hotel. He has a well, least he did last time I saw him. Hell, for all I know he has a movie theatre and a spa."
   "Really?" said Perky and Shok at almost the same time.
   Billy Bob just grunted and walked a little faster.
   Overhead, the sky was a faded blue, the air too hot for any stronger colour. Little puffs of white cloud scudded across the sky in the distance, but it was as if they were avoiding our group. Even more distant mountains almost looked as if they were being drenched in rain, but that was just a rumour and a tease. Everywhere the mostly flat plain of the valley stretched out as far as the eye could see, with objects too hazy to make out, as if they were there one moment, and gone the next.
   Perky scuffed at some small rocks, causing more dust to billow up, making her cough. She spat out the dust, or tried to. The spit just clung to the dust.
   Shok also tried scuffing at some rocks, but he missed one and then hit the next one, but it was actually a small tip of a deeply buried larger rock, and he hurt his toe. "Ow!" He fell to the ground. The other two paused for a moment, looked back, and then continued trudging on. Shok massaged his toe for a few moments, then got up and limped onward, grimacing.
   Onward they marched, spread out in a loose single file. Sweat had glistened on their skin, dried, become merged with dust, then they had sweated again, repeating the process over and over until they felt like they were one with the land. Shok had fantasies that he'd drop to the ground, which would swallow him up and he would become half man, half mole, ruling the underground world as the King he'd always dreamed of being. Perky had fantasies that one of the mirages would turn out to be a real pool of water, and it would have fun people and pool toys and yummy fruity drinks. Billy Bob just kept thinking that Abner's place should be around here soon, and he hoped he hadn't made a wrong turn, although in a flat, roadless plain, there weren't really any turns.
   "Hey, man, how long have we been walking?" asked Shok in a grumbly voice.
   "Bout an hour," replied Billy Bob.
   "What??" yelled Shok and Perky at more or less the same time.
   "Well, that's just a guess. I don't have a watch, and these parts have a funny relationship with time. Time passes differently, dependin' on where you are. The gap back yonder was more than a gap, it was a barrier between zones. The more time passes, the more these differences change. I wouldn't be surprised if one day, some areas will be thousands of years in the future, or the past, dependin' on your point of view."
   "That sounds dumb," said Shok. "Doesn't it?" He looked unsure. He hadn't really paid much attention to anything except his parents leaving, and his hunger.
   "Freaky", breathed Perky. "I think I saw an anime like that once."
   They all stopped so they could drink some of their dwindling supply of water.
   Billy Bob wiped his mouth. "Abner's place should be around here. Thing is, his place ain't exactly obvious. Because of all the evil that's roamin' around, he kinda...hid it."
   Shok frowned. "Wait a minute. We've been walking through this forsaken place for...a long time...trying to find a place that if it is here, is hidden?" He scratched his nose.
   Perky felt so frustrated she felt ready to flop around on the ground like a two year old having a tantrum. "I'm bored!"
   "Now, hold on, you two! It is around here, I know that. I just gotta find a signpost. He keeps switchin' 'em. It's one of three things: a stick with a rag on it sticking outta the ground, or a rock with a white spot on it, or a circle in the dirt. I gotta find one a them."
   Perky and Shok looked at each other with blank stares.
   "Wait a second," said Shok. "You're telling us that his three signs are things that are either so common here they could be anything, or they're things that could easily blow away or be moved by animals?"
   Perky didn't really like to criticize, but even she thought Billy Bob was being dumb.
   Billy Bob looked at them. "Trust me, you'd know them if you saw them. They kinda...stand out."
   All of a sudden, just as Perky and Shok were going to complain some more, a small shadow moved towards them. They looked up, and a very small section of black cloud was directly above. As they looked up in wonder, it began to rain. Hard, torrential rain. It spattered them and battered them. In seconds, it washed all their dust and sweat off. They felt cool. Just as suddenly, it stopped. A silence rang out. A low rumble moved the ground beneath them. All around them, the soil burst open in little mounds. Shiny black tentacles with white nodes on them popped out of the mounds. Several of them whipped around the legs of our trio. Everyone started yelling. Billy Bob used his confiscated staff to beat at the tentacles. He got a few of them, causing the arms to explode, green ichor spurting out, hissing when it hit the now-muddy ground. Perky was on the ground, flailing at one that had wrapped around her legs. A few of her sparkly-painted fingernails slashed at the invaders, causing them to twitch and withdraw. Shok was stamping on some, squishing them, but more come. All around was noise, mud, and green blood. They seemed to be making headway, but then more tentacles would pop up. All seemed lost.
   Then out of the sky, with a whoop and a holler, came the ten-foot crow with the bowler hat and the ugly clothes that had been following them since the gap. He screeched and used his claws on the tentacles, beating his wings, and slashing with his beak. More mud, and blood, filled the air, but finally the tentacles began to retreat. After more long minutes of fighting, the last one slithered under the ground in defeat. They all lay there in the mud, exhausted, bloody or bruised, some of the blood red, some of it green. The sun beat down on them mercilessly.
   Finally, Billy Bob sat up. He looked at the giant crow. "Well, it sure took ya long enough, Abner!"
   Perky and Shok were astonished, their mouths hanging open.
   "THIS is Abner Oakbucket?", they said at exactly the same time.
   The crow nodded. "Pleased to meet you. Forgive my lateness. I've been tailing you, haha, since the gap, and I got caught up in a minor side experiment with a flock of birds a ways back. I saw the black cloud forming from a mile away and I knew I had to rush."
   "What were those things?" asked Perky, her eyes wide.
   "Ah well,"Abner coughed. "Seems one of my little, ah, experiments got a little out of hand. Those were the many arms of a desert squid. First of its kind!" He looked proud. "Who knew that a creature of the ocean would thrive so well in an underground desert environment. Very peculiar. Hm, I don't think being in the heat helped its, ah, mental wellbeing. See, the deep ocean is a cold, cold place. Oh well." He got up.
   "Nobody's perfect! Haha, I know all too well," he continued. "But that's the nature of experiments. You can guess, but you can't really know what will happen. Also, my equipment isn't exactly up to date. I've had to, ahem, cobble together my lab from the meanest of sources." He looked at the three bedraggled adventurers. "I apologize if you were hurt."
   "But why would you make a desert squid?" asked Shok. "I mean, what's the point?"
   Abner looked into the distance, then looked at young Shok Rijja. He paused, then answered. "What's the point of my bowler hat?", which answered nothing.
   Abner picked up a stick from the ground and waved it in the air. The air shimmered and slowly, a vast hollow appeared. Unlike the surrounding plain, it was green with trees. A trickling brook wound its way through the woods, and in clearing about a hundred paces away, stood Abner's place, his home and his laboratory.
   "Won't you all come inside?"


...to be continued.