The sucking watery sounds seemed to go on forever, but it was really only about five minutes, five minutes in which Perky Buttercup screamed silently in wet darkness. Around her were various other objects along for the ride, too, some of them soft and wriggly, some harder and festooned with fangs. After Perky spent some time deciding if this was enjoyable or not, a small light expanded rapidly and with a loud POP she was ejected from the tube into a wide marshy area.
"Oof!" she spluttered. She looked around. In the time she had been in the mall, darkness had fallen, or maybe it was just dark here. It was hard to tell. The little ball creatures with the O mouths and the sad eyes were sort of piled up in a big wet mass that resembled sad poo. A few of them struggled and keened, their piteous plaints lost in the misty wilderness setting. One of the shark creatures was buried under this pile, a toothy grin the only thing you could see. It struggled to wave its knife around, but gave up and laughed.
Perky shivered. It was cold here, something she didn't like and wasn't used to. Wasn't used to...she had a vague memory of a warmer place. Hell? No, that wouldn't be fun at all. Sure, Hell was probably party central, but burning alive and being prodded with pitchforks by demons sounded like a drag. She tried to stay positive. Hell wasn't misty and filled with reeds, was it? She looked around, but as the day was fading, it was hard to see much. She thought she could make out some hills not too far away, but maybe they were clouds. Her lip quivered. Hills, clouds, dead things, mist....it was all too much. She felt strange. Events of the past week were swirling around her mind, full of nasty, dirty people doing nasty, dirty things. People who were mean and wore such dull clothing. She thought maybe their nice bright clothes were at the laundry, but she knew that that couldn't be true for everyone. She tried to get up, walked a few steps in the muck, but fell on her face. Splat.
As she tried to pick herself up, she suddenly flew into the air like magic.
"Magic is real! Magic is here! I can fly!" she exclaimed.
A voice as reedy as the marsh seemed to come out of nowhere, but was really attached to the man whose hand had picked Perky out of the mire.
"Not magic, just me, little one." He plucked her out of the marsh and plopped her onto relatively dry ground.
She looked up at him. He was tall, tall and thin and he waved, much like the reeds. "Who are you and where did you come from?"
"Me? My name's Billy Bob Swamp Abompbompbomp, and I come from here. Well, not this marsh, but nearby. I got myself a little cabin. Ain't much, but I can't complain. Some people live in the mud. I got a bed and a chair, too, and a little shelf for my book. In the corner's a little stove. Keeps me warm, mostly anyways. Cabin ain't that big, so I can't stand up too regular, kinda hunched over. I mostly go outdoors so I can stretch. If it's too rainy or too late, I go inside and read for a spell, then I fall asleep. Are you hungry?" He looked at Perky, who was wobbling a bit.
She looked up at him. "You're so different. Are you going to kill me?"
Billy Bob looked at her and barked a laugh. "Haha, no, I don't think so, little one." He stroked his chin, which had some sparse growth of hair. "Say, you came out a that drainpipe, didn't you? I hear it runs all the way from that old mall over the hill. I never been, mostly because it hasn't been up and running since I was a kid, but also because I don't got no money. Besides, I ain't exactly the height of fashion." He chuckled, and looked down at his clothes, which were made from sewing together bits of other clothes. Then he looked back at Perky, who looked green. He picked her up and brought her to his cabin, which was only a minute's walk away.
He wrapped an old blanket around her shoulders, and gave her a cup of what might have been hot chocolate. "So, what's yer name?"
Perky took a sip of the liquid and her face froze. Well, it was warm anyway. "My name's Perky Buttercup, and I don't understand anything! I don't think I'm home anymore. Things look different. Instead of friendly faces, I see mean faces with frowns and lines and dirt. Instead of people being glad to see me, I see people who want to hurt me. I thought maybe I wandered into a neighbourhood I hadn't seen before, but I've travelled a long way and it all looks the same. It looks....awful. I don't like feeling bad. I like feeling good! And now I'm scared. The last time I was scared I was three years old and a balloon popped. People danced and sang, but I was still scared of that balloon. And now here I am, wherever here is." She huddled closer to herself.
Billy Bob looked thoughtful. "Hm, last week, there were some lights in the sky. I didn't pay no mind. I thought they were just some things that overhill people did. But now I ruminate on it, some mighty odd things have been happening since then. Some folk I never seen before came traipsin' through a couple days ago, all dressed up like Tijuana peacocks. I thought they mighta been overhill people, but these people were...clean. They asked if I had any candy, but I ain't had none a that since I was a little kid. They went their way, singing and laughing. Now I think on it, you remind me a bit of them." He got up and went to his small bookshelf and picked up the lone book, a tattered specimen.
He flipped through the pages. "This here book by a fella named Richard Phillips has some mighty interesting stories about all sorts of peculiar things. Time travel, and parallel dimensions, among others. I wonder if what's been going on has anything to do with that. I wonder..."
Perky took another sip and looked up at him from the chair. "Could you help me get back home?"
Billy Bob stroked his chain again and gazed at the ceiling, which was millimetres above his eyes. He looked a little startled, so he sat on his bed. "Well, now Perky, I ain't a learned man. Sure, I been reading this here book a lot, seeing as how it's the only book I had left ever since all my other eight books got eaten by a pack of rabid lady porcupines about ten years ago, but it don't mean I know all the secrets of the universe. Hell, I ain't even been more than five miles from this here cabin in quite a while. I hear tales of the overhill folk, and occasionally people wander by and we get to talkin', so I hear tales of far-off places, but I'm never too sure if they're real or not."
Perky's eyes shined and got a little moist.
"Hey! Don't fret! I just said I don't have no personal knowledge of esoteric subjects, but it don't mean I don't know people who might know. I got a friend, name of Abner Oakbucket, he visits sometimes and we jaw and drink til we get tired. I ain't visited him in a bit, so he's due to be blessed by my presence, as the overhill folk say. He'll sure be keen to hear all about you and your plight. He's real into strange stuff. He's got more books than my eyes can eat up, and a lab in his basement full of gadgets I don't even pretend to understand. We'll go see him in the morning."
Perky smiled. It felt like her first real smile in a long time. She leaped up and threw herself on Billy Bob, giving him a tight hug. "Thank you! Thank you!"
Billy Bob looked a little embarrassed. "Heh, well there, always glad to help. Now let's get some sleep. It's quite a walk to Abner's. Don't know about you, but I can't do any serious walking unless I've had my beauty sleep. There are also some...uh...obstacles in the way."
"That's OK Mr. Swamp Abompbompbomp. I can't wait! This will be fun!" Perky beamed.
"Just call me Billy Bob. Nighty night." He turned out the light and turned in. Tomorrow was another day.
...to be continued.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Tuesday, February 07, 2017
The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #2
Snarky was in a foul mood. Nothing was as it should be. I mean, a man should be able to shout at people and kick them without them giggling and saying "Whee!". He had to find out what was going on, and he knew the perfect person, his friend Enver Dirtbagge. Enver knew everyone.
Snarky stood on the sidewalk and hailed a cab. At least he thought it was a cab. Instead of being yellow, it was purple with glitter. The wheels looked like little feet with cartoon shoes. Whatever, a ride's a ride. He hopped in.
"Take me to Grunt Street!" he snarled.
The cab driver smiled and said,"OK! That will be so fun. Such a funny name for a street!" He stepped on the gas and tooted the horn. The car's engine didn't go "vroom" and the horn didn't go "honk", but instead everything sort of sighed and tinkled. Snarky's frown deepened.
The taxi swooped merrily through various streets lined with candy-coloured buildings and happy, healthy people. Snarky wished he had a big scythe he could stick out the window and crop their tops like a farmer in a wheat field. But he thought sadly that more heads would probably sprout from the necks and the new faces would thank him for making today such a fun day. He could keep cutting off the heads, but more and more would grow until these bodies had bunches of heads, waving in the breeze, dozens of friendly voices all saying in beautiful harmony about how they were glad to have such a creative friend. He threw up a little bit in his mouth, and almost cried when the puke tasted like tapioca pudding.
Finally he saw his destination. Grunt Street, a short lane of one block, a dead-end street for dead-end people. "Let me out here."
The cab stopped and Snarky hopped out, saying,"You get no fare!", to which the taxi driver said, "That's all right, I'll probably write a song about this experience and grow as a person!"
"Of course...",trailed off Snarky.
Number 13, Grunt Street. The home of Enver Dirtbagge, the gruntiest person alive. What he didn't know wasn't worth knowing. Secrets? He was loaded with them. Snarky marched up to the door...which had a big flower painted on it, and there was a welcome mat that said "Welcome, Friend". Snarky made a point of grinding his dirty shoes on it. The dirt looked like Belgian chocolate. He sighed. He didn't bother knocking, he just slammed the door open and entered.
He shouldn't have been surprised, but was, when instead of a murky interior stuffed with mysterious objects of disreputable origin, all seeming to depict horrific acts, he found paintings of stuffed bunnies frolicking in sunny meadows, and statues of people grinning so hard their faces could have split open.
"Enver!" he hollered. "Enver! Where are you?"
A small, round man sauntered from behind a yellow curtain. "Ah, Snarky Snapdragon. Good to see you!"
"What, no insult?"
"Of course not, friend! Only smiles and compliments here. Have a seat."
Snarky and Enver sat down on plush red couches. "What can I do for you?"
"Something's really wrong with this town. It's all happy and perky and crap. I feel like I got sucked into the Twilight Zone, but it's all candy and teddy bears instead of creepy telekinetic kids and aliens with tentacles. I don't know what to do. Then I thought of you. If anyone knows what's going on, it's Enver Dirtbagge!"
"Well, first of all, my name is Enver Lovebagge, and second of all, things seem pretty normal to me. You have seemed a little cranky lately. Maybe you'd like a nice hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows."
Snarky just stared at Enver. "So you don't remember a run-down town filled with crooks, creeps, and cretins? I mean, like yesterday?"
Enver stroked his double chin. "Hm....no, I don't think so. But lately I have been a little foggy, so who knows."
Snarky glared at Enver, whose eyes suddenly started to shimmer as if they were going to explode, then they darted to the left.
"Perhaps you'd like to see some etchings I have recently purchased? They're in the back room," invited Enver.
Snarky stared at Enver, then sighed and followed him. As soon as they got into the back room, Enver shut the door and grabbed Snarky's jacket.
"Good lord, man! I've been going crazy trying to figure out what the hell's going on!" Tears streamed from tiny eyes. "I've asked everyone, but they all seem like zombies from the planet of Teletubbies!" He cried on Snarky's jacket.
"Well, quit yer blubberin' and let's figure it out," said Snarky. "You know, I did notice something weird in the eastern sky last night. I thought it was fireworks or another diaper fire or maybe I was just too drunk. It was a flashing light, sort of a circular effect. It's kind of odd, there being a light in the night sky in the east, when the sun's setting in the west. Did you notice anything?"
"No," sniffled Enver. "But then, I was drunk myself, in my basement, looking at some old Hardy Boys books. Man, Frank sure gets knocked out a lot. I wonder if he grew up with brain trauma from all those concussions?"
"Who cares!" yelled Snarky. "It's fiction! They can take blows to the head a million times and it doesn't bother them. And furthermore...."
He was interrupted by a loud sound coming from a door at the back of the room which led to the basement.
"What was that?" said Enver.
"It's your place, what're you asking me for?"
Loud, heavy footsteps sounded on the stairs, slowly coming up. Thump. Thump. Thump. The door from the basement slowly creaked open. The figure was shaded in darkness. It stepped into the light. Snarky and Enver both gasped at the same time and said in unison:
"You!"
...to be continued.
Snarky stood on the sidewalk and hailed a cab. At least he thought it was a cab. Instead of being yellow, it was purple with glitter. The wheels looked like little feet with cartoon shoes. Whatever, a ride's a ride. He hopped in.
"Take me to Grunt Street!" he snarled.
The cab driver smiled and said,"OK! That will be so fun. Such a funny name for a street!" He stepped on the gas and tooted the horn. The car's engine didn't go "vroom" and the horn didn't go "honk", but instead everything sort of sighed and tinkled. Snarky's frown deepened.
The taxi swooped merrily through various streets lined with candy-coloured buildings and happy, healthy people. Snarky wished he had a big scythe he could stick out the window and crop their tops like a farmer in a wheat field. But he thought sadly that more heads would probably sprout from the necks and the new faces would thank him for making today such a fun day. He could keep cutting off the heads, but more and more would grow until these bodies had bunches of heads, waving in the breeze, dozens of friendly voices all saying in beautiful harmony about how they were glad to have such a creative friend. He threw up a little bit in his mouth, and almost cried when the puke tasted like tapioca pudding.
Finally he saw his destination. Grunt Street, a short lane of one block, a dead-end street for dead-end people. "Let me out here."
The cab stopped and Snarky hopped out, saying,"You get no fare!", to which the taxi driver said, "That's all right, I'll probably write a song about this experience and grow as a person!"
"Of course...",trailed off Snarky.
Number 13, Grunt Street. The home of Enver Dirtbagge, the gruntiest person alive. What he didn't know wasn't worth knowing. Secrets? He was loaded with them. Snarky marched up to the door...which had a big flower painted on it, and there was a welcome mat that said "Welcome, Friend". Snarky made a point of grinding his dirty shoes on it. The dirt looked like Belgian chocolate. He sighed. He didn't bother knocking, he just slammed the door open and entered.
He shouldn't have been surprised, but was, when instead of a murky interior stuffed with mysterious objects of disreputable origin, all seeming to depict horrific acts, he found paintings of stuffed bunnies frolicking in sunny meadows, and statues of people grinning so hard their faces could have split open.
"Enver!" he hollered. "Enver! Where are you?"
A small, round man sauntered from behind a yellow curtain. "Ah, Snarky Snapdragon. Good to see you!"
"What, no insult?"
"Of course not, friend! Only smiles and compliments here. Have a seat."
Snarky and Enver sat down on plush red couches. "What can I do for you?"
"Something's really wrong with this town. It's all happy and perky and crap. I feel like I got sucked into the Twilight Zone, but it's all candy and teddy bears instead of creepy telekinetic kids and aliens with tentacles. I don't know what to do. Then I thought of you. If anyone knows what's going on, it's Enver Dirtbagge!"
"Well, first of all, my name is Enver Lovebagge, and second of all, things seem pretty normal to me. You have seemed a little cranky lately. Maybe you'd like a nice hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows."
Snarky just stared at Enver. "So you don't remember a run-down town filled with crooks, creeps, and cretins? I mean, like yesterday?"
Enver stroked his double chin. "Hm....no, I don't think so. But lately I have been a little foggy, so who knows."
Snarky glared at Enver, whose eyes suddenly started to shimmer as if they were going to explode, then they darted to the left.
"Perhaps you'd like to see some etchings I have recently purchased? They're in the back room," invited Enver.
Snarky stared at Enver, then sighed and followed him. As soon as they got into the back room, Enver shut the door and grabbed Snarky's jacket.
"Good lord, man! I've been going crazy trying to figure out what the hell's going on!" Tears streamed from tiny eyes. "I've asked everyone, but they all seem like zombies from the planet of Teletubbies!" He cried on Snarky's jacket.
"Well, quit yer blubberin' and let's figure it out," said Snarky. "You know, I did notice something weird in the eastern sky last night. I thought it was fireworks or another diaper fire or maybe I was just too drunk. It was a flashing light, sort of a circular effect. It's kind of odd, there being a light in the night sky in the east, when the sun's setting in the west. Did you notice anything?"
"No," sniffled Enver. "But then, I was drunk myself, in my basement, looking at some old Hardy Boys books. Man, Frank sure gets knocked out a lot. I wonder if he grew up with brain trauma from all those concussions?"
"Who cares!" yelled Snarky. "It's fiction! They can take blows to the head a million times and it doesn't bother them. And furthermore...."
He was interrupted by a loud sound coming from a door at the back of the room which led to the basement.
"What was that?" said Enver.
"It's your place, what're you asking me for?"
Loud, heavy footsteps sounded on the stairs, slowly coming up. Thump. Thump. Thump. The door from the basement slowly creaked open. The figure was shaded in darkness. It stepped into the light. Snarky and Enver both gasped at the same time and said in unison:
"You!"
...to be continued.
Monday, January 23, 2017
The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #1
Snarky Snapdragon was a tall, skeletal man dressed in shabby clothes. He didn't deliberately dress shabby, it's just that he didn't care. His hair was greasy, his skin was dirty, and his mouth was always turned down. He looked miserable, and he felt miserable. Except when he was messing people up.
Right now he was across the street from a group of colourfully dressed people, who were smiling and laughing. His teeth bared at the sight of them. He saw a break in traffic and darted across the street.
"Hey you!" he barked. "Stop that!"
The nearest member of the group, a short man with purple hair and flowers stuck in his ears, looked at Snarky.
"Stop what?" he said.
"That!" said Snarky, his hands waving over the group. "Stop being so happy and colourful. You're making me sick."
"But we're not doing anything except enjoying life right here on this sidewalk! We were enjoying life earlier on a grassy knoll, and in a bit, we'll probably be eating and enjoying that too!" said a tall woman with glittery eyes.
Snarky's eyes squinted. His right arm lashed out and smacked two of the group. He grinned triumphantly. But the people he hit didn't cry out, or cry, or do anything except keep grinning as glittery dust poofed from where Snarky had hit them. His smile faded.
"What the---?" he gasped. He hit some more of the group. The same thing happened. He produced a knife and slashed at them, expecting to see blood. But instead of blood, various small pieces of candy poured out. The people who were candy-bleeding looked down and scooped up some candy and ate it.
"Yummy! Now We'll feel even better with some candy in our tummies!" they exclaimed.
Snarky just stared at them, then suddenly took off down the street. After running a few blocks, he stopped to catch his breath. "This place is weird."
He looked up to see a restaurant. "Just the thing. I'm hungry from running and beating those freaks. At least I think I beat them."
He entered the restaurant, the doorbell tinkling a perky tune. He walked up to the counter and yelled at the person there, a teenage girl with what looked like jellybeans stuck to her face. "Gimme food!"
"Certainly, sir! I would be ecstatic to help you. What kind of food do you desire?"
"Meat! Lots of it. I have a lot of freaks to mangle later on."
The girl's smile paused for a moment, then came back full force. "One meat, coming up!" She pushed the buttons on the register, and every push made a sound. "La! La! La!" She skipped to the kitchen and sang a song about giving a customer meat and how that would make everyone so very happy. The cooks smiled and danced around and joined in on the song. After a few minutes of this, Snarky couldn't take anymore, and hopped over the counter.
"Dammit! You freaky jujubes are chewing on my guts! I hate people like you." He pulled out a gun and started shooting. The bullets hit the singing people, but instead of blood spurting out, red licorice came out, and instead of them collapsing on the ground and screaming and dying like they were supposed to, they just started eating the licorice. He pulled out his knife again and sawed off the head of the nearest cook. It bounced on the clean floor and then a new head grew from the neck and tiny legs grew from the head. Everyone in the place except Snarky started laughing.
"This is so funny and exciting!" they said joyously.
To put it simply, Snarky was shocked. Usually when he mutilated and killed people, they were maimed and dead. All this nonsense about candy blood and new heads was just stupid.
Nothing had gone right all day. Not since he woke up this morning, and his apartment was shining with bright sunlight, and all his furniture looked new. He knew for a fact, because he had chosen it deliberately, that his place was the nastiest, filthiest place in town. Rats were too embarrassed to visit. Local whores and pushers stayed away because it brought down their images. Even crooked politicians stayed at least four blocks away, because that was one scandal they couldn't weather. And that was the way that Snarky Snapdragon liked it. He was the dirtiest, meanest son of a bitch in town, and he planned to stay that way until the day he died.
"Goddamn candy blood," he grimaced.
Something had gone wrong with his town. He had to find out what happened. The first thing he thought of was to visit his old colleague (Snarky didn't have friends) Enver Dirtbagge. He left the restaurant and stole a car (the owner just laughed and said now he could find an exciting new car). Someone was going to pay for the candy blood.
...to be continued.
Right now he was across the street from a group of colourfully dressed people, who were smiling and laughing. His teeth bared at the sight of them. He saw a break in traffic and darted across the street.
"Hey you!" he barked. "Stop that!"
The nearest member of the group, a short man with purple hair and flowers stuck in his ears, looked at Snarky.
"Stop what?" he said.
"That!" said Snarky, his hands waving over the group. "Stop being so happy and colourful. You're making me sick."
"But we're not doing anything except enjoying life right here on this sidewalk! We were enjoying life earlier on a grassy knoll, and in a bit, we'll probably be eating and enjoying that too!" said a tall woman with glittery eyes.
Snarky's eyes squinted. His right arm lashed out and smacked two of the group. He grinned triumphantly. But the people he hit didn't cry out, or cry, or do anything except keep grinning as glittery dust poofed from where Snarky had hit them. His smile faded.
"What the---?" he gasped. He hit some more of the group. The same thing happened. He produced a knife and slashed at them, expecting to see blood. But instead of blood, various small pieces of candy poured out. The people who were candy-bleeding looked down and scooped up some candy and ate it.
"Yummy! Now We'll feel even better with some candy in our tummies!" they exclaimed.
Snarky just stared at them, then suddenly took off down the street. After running a few blocks, he stopped to catch his breath. "This place is weird."
He looked up to see a restaurant. "Just the thing. I'm hungry from running and beating those freaks. At least I think I beat them."
He entered the restaurant, the doorbell tinkling a perky tune. He walked up to the counter and yelled at the person there, a teenage girl with what looked like jellybeans stuck to her face. "Gimme food!"
"Certainly, sir! I would be ecstatic to help you. What kind of food do you desire?"
"Meat! Lots of it. I have a lot of freaks to mangle later on."
The girl's smile paused for a moment, then came back full force. "One meat, coming up!" She pushed the buttons on the register, and every push made a sound. "La! La! La!" She skipped to the kitchen and sang a song about giving a customer meat and how that would make everyone so very happy. The cooks smiled and danced around and joined in on the song. After a few minutes of this, Snarky couldn't take anymore, and hopped over the counter.
"Dammit! You freaky jujubes are chewing on my guts! I hate people like you." He pulled out a gun and started shooting. The bullets hit the singing people, but instead of blood spurting out, red licorice came out, and instead of them collapsing on the ground and screaming and dying like they were supposed to, they just started eating the licorice. He pulled out his knife again and sawed off the head of the nearest cook. It bounced on the clean floor and then a new head grew from the neck and tiny legs grew from the head. Everyone in the place except Snarky started laughing.
"This is so funny and exciting!" they said joyously.
To put it simply, Snarky was shocked. Usually when he mutilated and killed people, they were maimed and dead. All this nonsense about candy blood and new heads was just stupid.
Nothing had gone right all day. Not since he woke up this morning, and his apartment was shining with bright sunlight, and all his furniture looked new. He knew for a fact, because he had chosen it deliberately, that his place was the nastiest, filthiest place in town. Rats were too embarrassed to visit. Local whores and pushers stayed away because it brought down their images. Even crooked politicians stayed at least four blocks away, because that was one scandal they couldn't weather. And that was the way that Snarky Snapdragon liked it. He was the dirtiest, meanest son of a bitch in town, and he planned to stay that way until the day he died.
"Goddamn candy blood," he grimaced.
Something had gone wrong with his town. He had to find out what happened. The first thing he thought of was to visit his old colleague (Snarky didn't have friends) Enver Dirtbagge. He left the restaurant and stole a car (the owner just laughed and said now he could find an exciting new car). Someone was going to pay for the candy blood.
...to be continued.
Monday, January 16, 2017
The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #2
The old rusted bus lay on its side in the parking lot of the abandoned shopping mall. The landscape was desolate and grey, trees withered and wildlife coughing and smoking cigarette butts. The sun was setting, or more accurately, escaping over the horizon. Near the blackened bus, a shady character was attempting to tempt someone with his wares.
"This is the finest jewelry you'll ever see, especially around these parts," said the man, his small glittering eyes focussed greedily on the colourful person of Perky Buttercup. "Cheap, too. I get it wholesale from a cousin of mine."
Perky looked at the jewelry on the old stump next to the man. "And what kind is it, again?"
The man, dirty trenchcoat flapping in the ill wind, said,"For the third time, it's jewelry from the ass of a chicken. The chickens are special poultry from Lithuania, and they eat the jewels. Their unusual digestive systems, made that way by radiation from Chernobyl, polish it in remarkable ways to create a deep glitter..."
At the word "glitter", Perky's face went from slack to wide-mouthed. "I'll take it!"
"How much?" said the man.
"All of it!" said Perky.
"All of it?"
"Yes! I love love love anything glitter. It makes me so happy. So happy I could strangle myself and then revive myself magically! Magic is real, you know."
The dirty man looked at Perky. "Yes...of course....anyway, that'll be, uh, a hundred dollars."
Perky's eyes shined."This is your lucky day, Mister Jewel Man! I have something better than money! I have hugs and smiles to give you!" Perky smiled and hugged the man very hard, then skipped away to the mall. The man was startled and stared for a moment, then began to shout.
"Hey you! You owe me a hundred bucks!" He started running after Perky, but tripped on the stump and fell flat on his face. There was a piece of rebar sticking out of the cracked asphalt and it pierced his face all the way through. A bird, which had been flying overhead, stopped mid-air in the long, cold silence. Suddenly, blood came gushing out of the man's head, squirting so high it hit the bird. Covered in oddly gritty blood, it plummeted to the ground and burst into flames. The flames spread to the wrecked bus and set it on fire. In between the flames, more blood erupted. The fire and blood twisted around each other and glowed like rubies from Mars.
Inside the mall, Perky danced between the broken glass, mannequin chunks, and pieces of bone. All the stores looked good to Perky, but there was no time for window shopping.
"La la la. I smell something good! Is it me?" Perky sniffed. "No, but I see something shiny up ahead."
Ghostly sounds whispered through the corridors. Small rat-like creatures scurried, most with eyeballs in their jaws. Perky ignored all this and ran down corridor after corridor, until the promised land was ahead.
"An indoor swimming pool! Yay! That makes me so happy!" Perky clapped and danced around in the mist and the gloom and the petrified bodies of children.
The pool room was as decrepit as the rest of the mall, but the pool itself looked brand new. An eerie glow filled the basin. Perky noticed something.
"It isn't filled with water....it's filled with...magic!"
Not water, not magic, but a kind of liquid mist. Floating on the soft blue surface were scores of round things with eyes and little O mouths. They made a very soft squeaking sound. "Help us..." they seemed to say.
"Cannonball!" squealed Perky. Perky's colourful, thin body leaped into the pool and splashed among the little critters, who bobbed sadly, tears streaming from their eyes. It seems their tears were what was filling the pool.
Perky splashed and bobbed around. "If only I knew how to swim! Good thing I can float." Perky patted one of the little round creatures. "You're so cute!"
The creature said in a thin croak,"Please hel--"
"Hey!" exclaimed Perky. "What's that? More fun playmates?"
Two long dark shadows darted under the surface of the pool, circling Perky and the nearest little bobbing balls of sadness. Sharp fins broke the surface. The little creatures started bobbing madly and crying even harder. Perky's mouth stretched as wide as it could go. "Adventure!"
One of the sharkish animals moved swiftly and gobbled a ball. It raised its head and laughed. After a moment, it burped and then the little ball critter popped out its ass, covered in sticky green stuff. It started bobbing and crying.
"That," said Perky in an awed whisper,"was the most incredible thing I've ever seen, and I've seen eight people play hackysack at the same time! While juggling soup!"
The shark thing turned its head and looked at Perky. It frowned, just noticing Perky's presence. It pulled out a big knife and started whipping it around, slashing through many of the little bobbing balls. Their tears were mixed with blood as the knife cut them in two. The other shark thing did the same thing, and they closed in on Perky. The pool soon turned from blue to deep red, as everywhere the little ball things were turned into gory half-balls. Their tears and wails filled the air. It seemed almost impossible that these creatures had so much blood and tears in them, but that's the way things go sometimes, I guess.
The shark creatures were starting to get blinded by the blood, which sprayed a red mist, and the waves caused by their motions had flecks of spongy matter, probably brains and guts or something like that. They got closer and closer.
Perky looked so excited. "Pretty colours!"
Just as it looked like Perky might get slashed by the angry shark beasts, something caught Perky's eye. "What's this?" Perky pressed a large red button. A huge slurping sound echoed through the room and all the liquid in the pool was sucked down through a giant plug hole. The little crying balls, the shark things, and finally Perky too followed.
"Yay! A fun ride! I wonder where this goes to?"
...to be continued.
"This is the finest jewelry you'll ever see, especially around these parts," said the man, his small glittering eyes focussed greedily on the colourful person of Perky Buttercup. "Cheap, too. I get it wholesale from a cousin of mine."
Perky looked at the jewelry on the old stump next to the man. "And what kind is it, again?"
The man, dirty trenchcoat flapping in the ill wind, said,"For the third time, it's jewelry from the ass of a chicken. The chickens are special poultry from Lithuania, and they eat the jewels. Their unusual digestive systems, made that way by radiation from Chernobyl, polish it in remarkable ways to create a deep glitter..."
At the word "glitter", Perky's face went from slack to wide-mouthed. "I'll take it!"
"How much?" said the man.
"All of it!" said Perky.
"All of it?"
"Yes! I love love love anything glitter. It makes me so happy. So happy I could strangle myself and then revive myself magically! Magic is real, you know."
The dirty man looked at Perky. "Yes...of course....anyway, that'll be, uh, a hundred dollars."
Perky's eyes shined."This is your lucky day, Mister Jewel Man! I have something better than money! I have hugs and smiles to give you!" Perky smiled and hugged the man very hard, then skipped away to the mall. The man was startled and stared for a moment, then began to shout.
"Hey you! You owe me a hundred bucks!" He started running after Perky, but tripped on the stump and fell flat on his face. There was a piece of rebar sticking out of the cracked asphalt and it pierced his face all the way through. A bird, which had been flying overhead, stopped mid-air in the long, cold silence. Suddenly, blood came gushing out of the man's head, squirting so high it hit the bird. Covered in oddly gritty blood, it plummeted to the ground and burst into flames. The flames spread to the wrecked bus and set it on fire. In between the flames, more blood erupted. The fire and blood twisted around each other and glowed like rubies from Mars.
Inside the mall, Perky danced between the broken glass, mannequin chunks, and pieces of bone. All the stores looked good to Perky, but there was no time for window shopping.
"La la la. I smell something good! Is it me?" Perky sniffed. "No, but I see something shiny up ahead."
Ghostly sounds whispered through the corridors. Small rat-like creatures scurried, most with eyeballs in their jaws. Perky ignored all this and ran down corridor after corridor, until the promised land was ahead.
"An indoor swimming pool! Yay! That makes me so happy!" Perky clapped and danced around in the mist and the gloom and the petrified bodies of children.
The pool room was as decrepit as the rest of the mall, but the pool itself looked brand new. An eerie glow filled the basin. Perky noticed something.
"It isn't filled with water....it's filled with...magic!"
Not water, not magic, but a kind of liquid mist. Floating on the soft blue surface were scores of round things with eyes and little O mouths. They made a very soft squeaking sound. "Help us..." they seemed to say.
"Cannonball!" squealed Perky. Perky's colourful, thin body leaped into the pool and splashed among the little critters, who bobbed sadly, tears streaming from their eyes. It seems their tears were what was filling the pool.
Perky splashed and bobbed around. "If only I knew how to swim! Good thing I can float." Perky patted one of the little round creatures. "You're so cute!"
The creature said in a thin croak,"Please hel--"
"Hey!" exclaimed Perky. "What's that? More fun playmates?"
Two long dark shadows darted under the surface of the pool, circling Perky and the nearest little bobbing balls of sadness. Sharp fins broke the surface. The little creatures started bobbing madly and crying even harder. Perky's mouth stretched as wide as it could go. "Adventure!"
One of the sharkish animals moved swiftly and gobbled a ball. It raised its head and laughed. After a moment, it burped and then the little ball critter popped out its ass, covered in sticky green stuff. It started bobbing and crying.
"That," said Perky in an awed whisper,"was the most incredible thing I've ever seen, and I've seen eight people play hackysack at the same time! While juggling soup!"
The shark thing turned its head and looked at Perky. It frowned, just noticing Perky's presence. It pulled out a big knife and started whipping it around, slashing through many of the little bobbing balls. Their tears were mixed with blood as the knife cut them in two. The other shark thing did the same thing, and they closed in on Perky. The pool soon turned from blue to deep red, as everywhere the little ball things were turned into gory half-balls. Their tears and wails filled the air. It seemed almost impossible that these creatures had so much blood and tears in them, but that's the way things go sometimes, I guess.
The shark creatures were starting to get blinded by the blood, which sprayed a red mist, and the waves caused by their motions had flecks of spongy matter, probably brains and guts or something like that. They got closer and closer.
Perky looked so excited. "Pretty colours!"
Just as it looked like Perky might get slashed by the angry shark beasts, something caught Perky's eye. "What's this?" Perky pressed a large red button. A huge slurping sound echoed through the room and all the liquid in the pool was sucked down through a giant plug hole. The little crying balls, the shark things, and finally Perky too followed.
"Yay! A fun ride! I wonder where this goes to?"
...to be continued.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #1
There was a planet called Earth. On this planet was a large mound of dirt. On this mound of dirt was a small, thin, colourful creature called Perky Buttercup. Perky was very positive. The world was not.
"Hey, jackass! Get off my mound of dirt!" yelled a grimy old man.
"Isn't this such a wonderful mound of dirt?" said Perky. "Isn't this such a wonderful day? I could sing!"
The old man looked pained. "Please don't...whoever, or whatever you are. You can stay on my dirt for one more minute, and then I'm releasing the gharials."
Perky seemed to not hear the old man, and started twirling around. "La la la!"
The old man looked at his watch, saw that it was broken, and muttered,"Good enough."
He whistled loudly, and a pack of lowrider gharials came storming out of a shed, teeth gnashing, eyes bristling and tails aquiver. They howled and squeaked and did whatever gharials do. Possibly they had matted fur, I can't say for sure. The night was dark and the dirt was dirty.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flock of shiny birds came swooping out of the murky sky and attacked the gharials. They fought viciously, blood and fur and leggings and eyes just squirting everywhere. The old man stepped in and punched what he could reach, but he was no match and soon his limbs were falling off his body and his thin blood was spraying everyone, including near our hero Perky.
Perky stopped twirling to take in the carnage. Perky looked a little sad. But only for a moment, and then Perky said,"I bet they're all having so much fun! Too bad I'm not athletic, or I'd join in!"
Perky scrambled off the mound of dirt and caught a city bus that happened to have a stop there. The bus was long and yellow and made Perky laugh. "It's like I'm riding a banana! That's very appealing. Get it? A-peel-ing?"
The old woman sitting next to Perky snorted. "That's a terrible joke."
A group of young toughs at the back of the rusting bus with loose screws pulled out guns. They were all exactly 6 feet tall and had black hair and talked like Elmer Fudd.
"We want evewybody to give us their money. Vewy quickwy."
The dispirited, shabbily-dressed and sickly people on the bus gave everything they had to the robbers. Some gave money, some gave gold, some gave their children. One man gave his wig. The night air outside whistled through the bullet holes on the bus. Perky smiled.
"All I have are smiles and hugs to give!"
The bus grew silent. Even the air stopped whistling.
The lead robber, called Millicent, snarled. "How dawe you! Don't you weawize who we awe? We want youw money, and we want it now!"
Perky Buttercup smiled and shrugged. Glitter puffed into the air. The robbers raised their weapons. They charged. Before they could get to Perky, or even shoot their guns (which weren't loaded anyway), they tripped on a piece of bus seat that had become dislodged and was hanging loosely in the aisle. The robbers, as one, fell on their ugly faces and blood began to spurt from their necks and arms and floogles. The entire vehicle was slippery in gore and blood and pus. People were screaming, people were yelling, people were making business deals on their phones. The bus driver awoke and started yelling too, blood raining from his open mouth for no reason I can think of. He started pawing at the steering wheel like it was an angry snake and the bus careened out of control.
Perky's mouth formed an O and Perky leaped to the driver's seat, pushed the driver out of the way, and took over.
"This would be an even funner bus ride if I knew how to drive!" Perky exclaimed as the bus whipped from side to side, hitting garbage cans and cats and small moons, screeching loudly with the parking brake on as it zoomed into the sunset.
The End.
"Hey, jackass! Get off my mound of dirt!" yelled a grimy old man.
"Isn't this such a wonderful mound of dirt?" said Perky. "Isn't this such a wonderful day? I could sing!"
The old man looked pained. "Please don't...whoever, or whatever you are. You can stay on my dirt for one more minute, and then I'm releasing the gharials."
Perky seemed to not hear the old man, and started twirling around. "La la la!"
The old man looked at his watch, saw that it was broken, and muttered,"Good enough."
He whistled loudly, and a pack of lowrider gharials came storming out of a shed, teeth gnashing, eyes bristling and tails aquiver. They howled and squeaked and did whatever gharials do. Possibly they had matted fur, I can't say for sure. The night was dark and the dirt was dirty.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flock of shiny birds came swooping out of the murky sky and attacked the gharials. They fought viciously, blood and fur and leggings and eyes just squirting everywhere. The old man stepped in and punched what he could reach, but he was no match and soon his limbs were falling off his body and his thin blood was spraying everyone, including near our hero Perky.
Perky stopped twirling to take in the carnage. Perky looked a little sad. But only for a moment, and then Perky said,"I bet they're all having so much fun! Too bad I'm not athletic, or I'd join in!"
Perky scrambled off the mound of dirt and caught a city bus that happened to have a stop there. The bus was long and yellow and made Perky laugh. "It's like I'm riding a banana! That's very appealing. Get it? A-peel-ing?"
The old woman sitting next to Perky snorted. "That's a terrible joke."
A group of young toughs at the back of the rusting bus with loose screws pulled out guns. They were all exactly 6 feet tall and had black hair and talked like Elmer Fudd.
"We want evewybody to give us their money. Vewy quickwy."
The dispirited, shabbily-dressed and sickly people on the bus gave everything they had to the robbers. Some gave money, some gave gold, some gave their children. One man gave his wig. The night air outside whistled through the bullet holes on the bus. Perky smiled.
"All I have are smiles and hugs to give!"
The bus grew silent. Even the air stopped whistling.
The lead robber, called Millicent, snarled. "How dawe you! Don't you weawize who we awe? We want youw money, and we want it now!"
Perky Buttercup smiled and shrugged. Glitter puffed into the air. The robbers raised their weapons. They charged. Before they could get to Perky, or even shoot their guns (which weren't loaded anyway), they tripped on a piece of bus seat that had become dislodged and was hanging loosely in the aisle. The robbers, as one, fell on their ugly faces and blood began to spurt from their necks and arms and floogles. The entire vehicle was slippery in gore and blood and pus. People were screaming, people were yelling, people were making business deals on their phones. The bus driver awoke and started yelling too, blood raining from his open mouth for no reason I can think of. He started pawing at the steering wheel like it was an angry snake and the bus careened out of control.
Perky's mouth formed an O and Perky leaped to the driver's seat, pushed the driver out of the way, and took over.
"This would be an even funner bus ride if I knew how to drive!" Perky exclaimed as the bus whipped from side to side, hitting garbage cans and cats and small moons, screeching loudly with the parking brake on as it zoomed into the sunset.
The End.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Joan Cusack
Lately there's been some popular graffiti around town. It's not very good, but it's good at getting attention. First there was the ubiquitous "Mohinder" graffiti, which people seemed to like because it was so amateur-ish. Then along came the "John Cusack" graffiti, probably done ironically by some young sap, not by some older nostalgic graffiti artist. I saw a bunch of the John Cusacks, including a sticker someone had made, and then I came upon one that had been altered afterwards by someone who clearly wanted his sister Joan Cusack to get some attention. Well, why not. She's done some great work, too.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Crush Groove
Ah, rock and/or roll (to quote Reverend Lovejoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHl0J-PqEAQ)---it's a funny game. Sure, you have to have talent, or at least decent looks and a manager with money, but sometimes all you need is the energy to keep going, day after day, year after year, and then some bands only become famous for some mysterious reason. Some sell millions and you wonder why, while other, more worthy bands, toil in obscurity. A lot of bands, to be sure, just lose the energy and forget the reasons why they started playing music in the first place. In the case of Vancouver metal/grunge band Crush Groove, the lead singer Jamie Ferrigan just "lost his inspiration to continue and left the band". https://soundcloud.com/biljanaires
They had some minor success in Vancouver, as well as having their song "Grunts" included in the movie "Christina's House" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0216620/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1, and having their album produced in Seattle by famed Jack Endino. Years later, however, Jamie and Ed reunited and now play in a band called the Biljanaires.
Other than what I can glean online, the only other thing I can tell you is that I've seen the band play in a Vancouver club, and I met the singer Jamie through a mutual friend. Friendly guy, a bit intense (well, listen to the songs!).
To be honest, other than these two songs, the music sort of gets lost in a sameness. But these two songs are worthy of your attention.
Another in a series dedicated to daylighting stuff that got lost in the shuffle.
Crush Groove - Grunts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILqdMg_gxoc
Crush Groove - Dear Koba
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZScUCi5iZsc
Or Soundowl, if you prefer:
Crush Groove - Grunts
http://soundowl.com/track/68jc/crush-groove-grunts
Crush Groove - Dear Koba
http://soundowl.com/track/68jf/crush-groove-dear-koba
They had some minor success in Vancouver, as well as having their song "Grunts" included in the movie "Christina's House" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0216620/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1, and having their album produced in Seattle by famed Jack Endino. Years later, however, Jamie and Ed reunited and now play in a band called the Biljanaires.
Other than what I can glean online, the only other thing I can tell you is that I've seen the band play in a Vancouver club, and I met the singer Jamie through a mutual friend. Friendly guy, a bit intense (well, listen to the songs!).
To be honest, other than these two songs, the music sort of gets lost in a sameness. But these two songs are worthy of your attention.
Another in a series dedicated to daylighting stuff that got lost in the shuffle.
Crush Groove - Grunts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILqdMg_gxoc
Crush Groove - Dear Koba
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZScUCi5iZsc
Or Soundowl, if you prefer:
Crush Groove - Grunts
http://soundowl.com/track/68jc/crush-groove-grunts
Crush Groove - Dear Koba
http://soundowl.com/track/68jf/crush-groove-dear-koba
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