The strange figures lunged forward into the light, stumbling and falling over each other. They were accompanied by a stench and creaky, moaning sounds. Snarky and Tinky's eyes bulged and their noses wrinkled.
"Oh, it's you guys," said Snarky.
Stumpy and Enver looked up.
"Hey, you!" slurred Stumpy. "G'ta see ya gain...". He waved his hands. "We've been somewhere."
"Yeah, I figured," said Snarky. "Where exactly were you?"
Enver looked up from his careful study of his shoes. His hair was covered in dust. "Somewhere wonderful...somewhere full of light and wood and glass and....and..."
"Booze!" yelled Stumpy, flapping his large feet on the floor. He danced around in a circle, which proved to be a bad idea, as the floor lurched up to meet him. He fell with a soft slap.
Enver looked at him and started laughing so hard he fell over to the floor, too.
Snarky bent over them and glared. "Where did you two come from?"
"Our mothers!" laughed Stumpy. "Why, were you cloned from bat wings?"
Snarky sighed. "No, I mean where did you come from just a moment ago? And where was all this boozing done? You were in the back of the van, and then you weren't."
"Oh, that," said Enver. "A funny little man with a flower head appeared out of nowhere and winked. What can you do about that? You just do what a flower head wants---everybody knows that. So anyway, he teleported us or something, and next we knew, we were in some sort of magic bar. Drinks were free! Can't beat that."
Stumpy continued. "The place was great! Lots of dark wood, and pictures of women on the walls. Glass eyes were stuck everywhere---my dream! There were people there, but kinda ghostly. You try and talk to 'em, but they disappear when you get close. Oh well, the drunker we got, the less we cared."
"And then," said Enver, "we had to go take a leak, and when we went into the bathroom, we ended up here instead. Funniest thing ever!" A little bit of puke dribbled out and onto his shirt.
Snarky and Tinky stared. Tinky opened his mouth.
"Just why is there a portal in my house? You think I'd know!" His eyebrows wiggled around. "I hope you lot didn't ruin anything."
"Yeah, like this place is in pristine condition," sneered Snarky. He coughed as some dust got in his nose.
Tinky made for the back. "I think I wanna check this out." Snarky followed.
"Yeah, as I've been saying, this world seems to be breaking down. We should follow all leads."
"What about what those girls said about going east?"
"After we check out this portal, then we'll go east. East isn't going anywhere." Snarky chuckled. "Unless the magnetic poles change."
Stumpy elbowed Enver. "Hey, hey...we should go follow them. We'll show 'em how great this bar is! I don't know what kind of booze that was, but it was the best I ever had." He belched. "Oh yeah....seconds.."
With a struggle, they both got up and followed the other two.
After Snarky and Tinky fought their way through some serious cobwebs, and Stumpy and Enver stumbled after, bouncing off the walls and stumbling over obstacles only they could see, they came into a small room.
"I hope you guys didn't piss in here," said Tinky apprehensively. "I sometimes bring lady friends here. It's a special room."
"What, this crappy broom closet?" laughed Snarky. "Well, I shouldn't laugh. I've had my fun in worse rooms. And with worse people!"
Tinky looked a little hurt. "It's my special room!"
"OK OK, calm down," said Snarky. He turned to Enver and Stumpy, who were leaning against each other. "So where did you come through?" Their heads bonked against each other lightly, causing them to coo and giggle.
"Oh," said Stumpy. "Right there." He pointed.
Everyone looked at the blank wall.
"Where exactly? That's a blank wall," said Tinky.
Stumpy's eyes focussed, then went cross-eyed, then with a struggle, he focussed them again. His hand wavered as he pointed at the wall. "THERE!"
As they watched, the wall wobbled, turned blue and swirly, and a low whispering sound was heard. Enver broke from the group and plunged through. With a yell, Stumpy grabbed a broom and followed.
"My special broom!" cried Tinky as he ran after Stumpy and vanished into the blue.
Snarky glared and sighed and looked at the ceiling, where he saw a crayon drawing of a naked woman. "This is all I need. Those idiots....well, I have nothing better to do than follow some idiots. Oh wait, I have to go east, find an old man in a cave, and solve this crazy mystery!"
He looked around the room. It was dark, dusty and cramped. Various broken bits of furniture cluttered the edges. "Special room, all right. For a special person. Special in the head!" He jumped into the portal.
After what seemed like a long time and not very long at all, he popped out the other side. He felt a little wet, like he took a shower in mist. After a moment, he looked around. Stumpy, Tinky, and Enver were a few feet away holding onto each other in fear. He couldn't understand why. He walked over to them.
The place they were in was mostly dark, but it didn't look like a bar.
"Hey," he said,"I thought you said this was a bar, the greatest bar you'd ever been in. It looks like a dank underground dungeon. What gives?"
Tinky turned to him, eyes huge and bulging with fright. "Y-you mean you don't know?"
"Know what? We made a wrong turn? Portals aren't reliable modes of transportation? You guys need to suck it up?"
Just then, a tall figure emerged from the gloom. It advanced with deliberation. The three shivering figures behind Snarky whimpered. He heard some pee hitting the floor.
The figure appeared suddenly in the little pool of light where our foursome were. It was a red balloon on a string, attached to some ragged clothing. A face was drawn on it with a black marker. It spoke with a high-pitched female voice.
"Welcome to the Balloon Fight Club, gents! We're very pleased to have new meat for the battle!" The drawn eyebrows frowned a little. "Even though you don't look very strong. Oh well. I've seen some fighters get by on gumption and attitude." She turned away, then turned back and beckoned them forward.
As she led the way, she was heard muttering,"Lots and lots of gumption..."
...to be continued.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Tuesday, August 01, 2017
The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #7
Perky and Shok looked at Abner Oakbucket's place with their mouths hanging open. Billy Bob had seen it before, so he just headed straight for the bathroom.
"I hope there's toilet paper, unlike every other time I've been here, Abner," he said over his shoulder.
Abner's eyes shifted away.
"Well!" he said to Shok and Perky. "Shall I show you around?"
"I guess," replied Shok. "I probably have better stuff at my parents' place."
Abner stared at him, then looked at Perky. "And you? Are you also a little brat?"
As Shok's face was twisting in anger, Perky grabbed his hand and said, "No, we're not brats, we're just tired, thirsty, and hungry."
A sardonic look passed over Abner's face, then he led the way. Where they were was a sort of receiving room, not very large. It was semi-circular and on the walls were drawings of geometric shapes. A big sign said "Don't Touch Anything". A small door in the middle of the wall opened up and a tiny creature peeked out. It looked surprised, then pulled back and slammed the door. Perky and Shok didn't notice because Abner was explaining about his house. The walls in the passage were covered in glowing blue and green lights, but not electric lights. They looked like algae.
"What are those lights?" asked Perky.
"Eh?" said Abner, interrupted. "Oh, just some bread mould that got out of hand. It seems to like living on the walls, which is good for me and for them. Occasionally you have to breathe on it." He coughed on some. "See?"
He paused, lost in thought. "At first I was concerned because, ahem, it grew a little too big. It was taking over the house. Then I played some music, some music I myself composed. Quite brilliant, too. It's a sort of abstract music based on the molecular structure of crystal and yeast. Everyone I play it for seems to go into a spastic shock. Other than me, only the wall mould seems to like it. Hm, no accounting for taste. Once it heard some of the music, it stopped growing and has settled in nicely on the walls."
He continued walking down the passage to the rest of the place. They passed a door. "This is the bathroom." He knocked vigourously.
Billy Bob yelled. "Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. And no toilet paper, by the way. I'm gonna use this ole rag I found."
Abner looked surprised. "That old rag is...well, nevermind." He pointed at another door on the other side. It was painted red with a large white circle in the middle. "Whatever you do, don't go in that room."
"Why not?" asked Shok. "Is it dangerous or something?"
"No, it's just a little messy."
By this time Billy Bob had joined them. "Hey, did you try and tell 'em your music saved your life by stopping a deadly mutant mould?" He started laughing. "Boy oh boy, is that one of your funnier stories!"
Abner drew himself up to his full height, straightened his top hat, and looked haughty. "I'll have you know, that is not funny! That is a true fact. Just ask the mould."
"Right," said Billy Bob. "I'm gonna ask some wall mould a question. Shall I speak in French, or perhaps classical Latin?" He laughed some more, slapping his knees.
Perky and Shok looked at the both of them. Abner frowned and continued walking.
The house, as he explained, was originally a small shack, and then he kept adding onto it as needed, room after room, and passageways to connect them. It was more like an ant colony than a regular house, with two or three levels, depending on your point of view, plus a warren of basement rooms. There were rooms for science and leisure, as well as a kitchen and one or two bathrooms. He never knew---one kept getting lost somehow. There were also many random rooms that were used for whatever he needed them for. Covering most walls were various pieces of paper that were used for doodling, either formulas, or just whimsical drawings. Also, as they were beginning to notice, there were various strange animals, apparently refugees from experiments that had either escaped or were set free. They seemed harmless enough, although they certainly looked strange.
"I see you've expanded a might, Abner," said Billy Bob.
"Yes, yes, one must keep busy. Ahem. Did you say you were all hungry? The kitchen is right this way."
"What kind of food do you have?" said Perky, looking a little peaked. Her glittery glow was fading.
"Oh, all sorts. And all made from plant life from the surrounding area!" Abner's eyes lit up.
"What, like mould burgers or something?" said Shok with a green look on his face.
Abner smiled. "Yes, yes, if you want to describe them like that." A small crab-like being with fur was tugging on his pant leg. "What is it?" The being made a chittering noise. Abner looked alarmed. "Are you sure?" The crab jumped up and down and ran down the corridor.
"Follow me!" exclaimed Abner. He took off after the crab.
They followed him to a room close by. It was large and circular, with a picture of the solar system on the ceiling. Around the walls were various bits of machinery, all blinking lights and monitors. A few large buttons and levers made it all seem so serious. Abner ran straight to a large monitor that the crab was in front of. Green squiggly lines ran across it, kind of like a radar screen.
"What's up, Abner?" asked Billy Bob. "I ain't never seen you look so riled up since that battle near on twenty years ago now."
Abner stared at the screen. "That was nothing compared to this. That was a mere diversion. This threatens my entire life's work! Lives may be lost, scars will form, things will be destroyed. The whole planet may form many cracks that will look unseemly and violate the warranty. One day in the future, the planet will die. Before then, people will scream and babies will cry. Food will spoil, hair will fall out, people will get fat even though they watch their diet and exercise. New music will be recorded that will just...seem...wrong."
Everyone looked disturbed. Shok and Perky looked a little scared. Even Billy Bob, good ol' reliable, even-keeled Billy Bob, looked a little uncomfortable. Perky was the first to speak.
"What is it, Mr. Oakbucket? What's the horrible danger?"
Abner turned to address them all. His face was solemn and he took a deep breath.
"I owe some pretty serious late fines at the library."
...to be continued.
"I hope there's toilet paper, unlike every other time I've been here, Abner," he said over his shoulder.
Abner's eyes shifted away.
"Well!" he said to Shok and Perky. "Shall I show you around?"
"I guess," replied Shok. "I probably have better stuff at my parents' place."
Abner stared at him, then looked at Perky. "And you? Are you also a little brat?"
As Shok's face was twisting in anger, Perky grabbed his hand and said, "No, we're not brats, we're just tired, thirsty, and hungry."
A sardonic look passed over Abner's face, then he led the way. Where they were was a sort of receiving room, not very large. It was semi-circular and on the walls were drawings of geometric shapes. A big sign said "Don't Touch Anything". A small door in the middle of the wall opened up and a tiny creature peeked out. It looked surprised, then pulled back and slammed the door. Perky and Shok didn't notice because Abner was explaining about his house. The walls in the passage were covered in glowing blue and green lights, but not electric lights. They looked like algae.
"What are those lights?" asked Perky.
"Eh?" said Abner, interrupted. "Oh, just some bread mould that got out of hand. It seems to like living on the walls, which is good for me and for them. Occasionally you have to breathe on it." He coughed on some. "See?"
He paused, lost in thought. "At first I was concerned because, ahem, it grew a little too big. It was taking over the house. Then I played some music, some music I myself composed. Quite brilliant, too. It's a sort of abstract music based on the molecular structure of crystal and yeast. Everyone I play it for seems to go into a spastic shock. Other than me, only the wall mould seems to like it. Hm, no accounting for taste. Once it heard some of the music, it stopped growing and has settled in nicely on the walls."
He continued walking down the passage to the rest of the place. They passed a door. "This is the bathroom." He knocked vigourously.
Billy Bob yelled. "Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. And no toilet paper, by the way. I'm gonna use this ole rag I found."
Abner looked surprised. "That old rag is...well, nevermind." He pointed at another door on the other side. It was painted red with a large white circle in the middle. "Whatever you do, don't go in that room."
"Why not?" asked Shok. "Is it dangerous or something?"
"No, it's just a little messy."
By this time Billy Bob had joined them. "Hey, did you try and tell 'em your music saved your life by stopping a deadly mutant mould?" He started laughing. "Boy oh boy, is that one of your funnier stories!"
Abner drew himself up to his full height, straightened his top hat, and looked haughty. "I'll have you know, that is not funny! That is a true fact. Just ask the mould."
"Right," said Billy Bob. "I'm gonna ask some wall mould a question. Shall I speak in French, or perhaps classical Latin?" He laughed some more, slapping his knees.
Perky and Shok looked at the both of them. Abner frowned and continued walking.
The house, as he explained, was originally a small shack, and then he kept adding onto it as needed, room after room, and passageways to connect them. It was more like an ant colony than a regular house, with two or three levels, depending on your point of view, plus a warren of basement rooms. There were rooms for science and leisure, as well as a kitchen and one or two bathrooms. He never knew---one kept getting lost somehow. There were also many random rooms that were used for whatever he needed them for. Covering most walls were various pieces of paper that were used for doodling, either formulas, or just whimsical drawings. Also, as they were beginning to notice, there were various strange animals, apparently refugees from experiments that had either escaped or were set free. They seemed harmless enough, although they certainly looked strange.
"I see you've expanded a might, Abner," said Billy Bob.
"Yes, yes, one must keep busy. Ahem. Did you say you were all hungry? The kitchen is right this way."
"What kind of food do you have?" said Perky, looking a little peaked. Her glittery glow was fading.
"Oh, all sorts. And all made from plant life from the surrounding area!" Abner's eyes lit up.
"What, like mould burgers or something?" said Shok with a green look on his face.
Abner smiled. "Yes, yes, if you want to describe them like that." A small crab-like being with fur was tugging on his pant leg. "What is it?" The being made a chittering noise. Abner looked alarmed. "Are you sure?" The crab jumped up and down and ran down the corridor.
"Follow me!" exclaimed Abner. He took off after the crab.
They followed him to a room close by. It was large and circular, with a picture of the solar system on the ceiling. Around the walls were various bits of machinery, all blinking lights and monitors. A few large buttons and levers made it all seem so serious. Abner ran straight to a large monitor that the crab was in front of. Green squiggly lines ran across it, kind of like a radar screen.
"What's up, Abner?" asked Billy Bob. "I ain't never seen you look so riled up since that battle near on twenty years ago now."
Abner stared at the screen. "That was nothing compared to this. That was a mere diversion. This threatens my entire life's work! Lives may be lost, scars will form, things will be destroyed. The whole planet may form many cracks that will look unseemly and violate the warranty. One day in the future, the planet will die. Before then, people will scream and babies will cry. Food will spoil, hair will fall out, people will get fat even though they watch their diet and exercise. New music will be recorded that will just...seem...wrong."
Everyone looked disturbed. Shok and Perky looked a little scared. Even Billy Bob, good ol' reliable, even-keeled Billy Bob, looked a little uncomfortable. Perky was the first to speak.
"What is it, Mr. Oakbucket? What's the horrible danger?"
Abner turned to address them all. His face was solemn and he took a deep breath.
"I owe some pretty serious late fines at the library."
...to be continued.
Wednesday, June 07, 2017
The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #6
As Snarky and Tinky rumbled down the streets in the van, Tinky asked Snarky a question.
"So what exactly happened to your friends?"
Snarky frowned as he drove. The buildings huddled in the growing shadows. Every so often a bright spark of light flew around, then disappeared. People lurked, slouching from doorway to alley, afraid to be seen in the open. A big rat or a small dog sped from behind some garbage cans and grabbed something from the street in its jaws. The something struggled, then fell limp. The dog-rat sank its fangs into it, then it, too, fell limp, falling onto its side, settling into a pothole. A crack spread from the hole and zigzagged to the nearest building where it stopped suddenly. The building briefly turned a vivid shade of yellow, brighter than a million sunflowers, then it faded and finally turned black before it wobbled and then disappeared with a quiet pop.
Snarky and Tinky didn't see any of this because they were looking in the other direction.
"I told you before, they were there one minute, and gone the next," said Snarky.
"Are you sure you didn't kill them or something?"
"Pretty sure." Snarky bared his teeth. "I might go for a third murder any moment."
"Fine, fine", said Tinky.
The van went over a large bump and they both heard a loud scream.
"What was that?" asked Tinky.
"Sounds like someone got a large bump on the head," replied Snarky.
"Weird." Tinky looked at the intersection, then directed Snarky to take a right. After a few more blocks, they saw it.
"Holy crap," said Snarky, eyes wide. "When you said mansion, I didn't realize you meant the Taj Mahal!"
It wasn't the Taj Mahal, which was probably still in India. This mansion took up an entire city block. It was made of the finest marble, crafted in a Gothic style, with columns and gargoyles liberally distributed across its expanse. The effect was one of grandeur, of ancient wealth, of imposing size, of occult knowledge, of ego, and a little bit of wonkiness, as if the architect had crossed eyes. It had also become decrepit, and looked as if it would fall down at any time. Many people had lived here once, but now it looked like the only people who would want to live there were ones who wanted to commit suicide by ghost.
"Welcome to my humble abode!" cried Tinky, spreading his arms, which bonked against the van window and Snarky's head.
Snarky just muttered. "You sure we won't get our heads bashed in by falling stone?"
"Probably not," Tinky said with a smile.
They got out of the van. Snarky bent down to check if that bump had damaged it. All he saw was a dark mass.
"Ugh, looks like we hit some large animal. I can't even tell what it was, maybe a pony? I ain't cleaning that."
Tinky bounded up to the front door, and then darted past a column to where another, smaller door was, a serviceman's entrance. "In here!"
Snarky followed, dragging his feet. It had been a tiring few days. The air felt greasy. Tinky disappeared inside.
When Snarky first saw the interior, he felt let down. He had expected opulence, maybe even faded opulence, but it was just a large room full of junk. "What is all this stuff?"
"This is my great palace, full of my prized valuables!" Tinky spread his arms again, but this time they just hit dirty sheets.
"Valuables? You couldn't pay me to take any of this."
Tinky looked hurt. "It took a long time for me to accumulate this. All the houses I had to break into, all the people I had to mug, all the scams I had to pull. It was hard work!"
Snarky looked at the broken junk, the mouldy furniture, the peeling paint, and the dirty knickknacks, and decided to keep his trap shut for once. "Yeah, looks awesome." His stomach growled. "You said there was food and drink?"
"This way, sirrah!" Tinky led the way past the debris, through other rooms full of old and mysterious objects, past tapestries and paintings depicting odd scenes and odder people, some of which didn't seem like they were on Earth or human. Down a flight of stairs and then there they were: the kitchen. It gleamed as if new.
"How come the kitchen looks new?" asked Snarky.
"I have no idea. The place is run-down, but the kitchen looks untouched. It was like this when I got here. I don't question why. And another weird thing is that every morning, it's fully stocked. I can eat and drink as much as I want, and when I wake up, it's as if I hadn't touched a thing!"
Snarky looked disturbed. "Doesn't that concern you? I mean, what if it's poisoned magical food? You could be mutating as we speak." He looked at Tinky's small size and smirked.
"Shut up or I'll cut you!" Tinky snarled.
"Calm down, little guy."
Instead of fighting, they both decided that eating was better. They went through the fridge and cupboards, and each laid out a feast that would have impressed kings. After they had satisfied their gluttony and lay on sofas in the next room, groaning and exhausted, they fell asleep.
They both awoke with a startle to find that identical twin girls were staring at them. They both had black hair and blue skin and were in their teens. They were dressed the same, with red jackets over white shirts, and black skirts over red leggings. They were shorter than Snarky, but taller than Tinky. Their eyes gleamed, their noses were a little long, but the most interesting thing about them was that they only looked half there. Like holograms.
"Are you holograms?" asked Snarky.
The two girls shook their heads solemnly.
"Can you speak?" he asked.
"Of course we can," said one.
"What are we, freaks?" said the other.
"My name is Nest Lakefront!" said the first one.
"And my name is Nest Overcoat!" said the second.
"Don't you get confused?" asked Tinky, looking up at them, getting a good look at their noses.
"Sometimes," said Nest Overcoat.
"But then we forget," said Nest Lakefront. "What are your names?"
"I'm Snarky Snapdragon," said Snarky, "and this leprechaun is Tinky Dingbat."
"Your name is Snarky Snapdragon?" said Tinky, laughing."And you think my name is silly?"
"It's better than yours." Snarky looked thoughtful. "Seems like everyone has unlikely names lately. Now that I think of it, I used to have another name."
The twins looked at the lads, looking at Tinky, then Snarky, then they both just looked at Snarky.
"Your name is Snarky Snapdragon?" said Nest Lakefront, eyes wide.
"We've been looking for you!" added Nest Overcoat.
"Is it because I'm a love god?" Snarky looked hopeful.
Nest Overcoat looked thoughtful. "I don't think so."
"Then why?"
Nest Lakefront smiled. "We have news about the old man in the cave."
Snarky looked stunned. "The old man in the cave! My friend Stumpy said something about that. He said was in a trance and learned that." He looked stunned again. "My friends Stumpy and Enver! We have to find them."
"What do you know?" he asked the girls.
Nest Overcoat spoke first. "We live in a far-off land, in the east. After the light in the eastern sky, people started acting strangely. Only one person knew anything about it, an old man who lives in a cave."
Nest Lakefront took over. "His cave is in a mountain, not too far from where we live, but nobody knows how to get there. If he needs to speak to you, he comes to you. Occasionally people stumble across his cave, but they can never remember where it is."
The sisters looked at each other, then Nest Overcoat spoke."Normally he doesn't speak to anybody that often, but recently, he's been talking to people more. He kept mentioning someone called Snarky Snapdragon, but nobody knew who that was."
Nest Lakefront continued."We had no idea how to contact this person, so the old man said he'd let us use his device. He chose us for some reason. It's a sort of teleportation device, but it only lets half of you go somewhere, so you look misty and you can't really have much of an effect on anything."
"Also," said Nest Overcoat,"it doesn't last very long. We don't have much time, so you have to come quick! Just head east! You will find us."
They started to fade, blinking in and out.
"How far is it?" shouted Snarky. "What does this all mean?"
It was too late, the girls had vanished.
He looked at Tinky.
Tinky just shrugged and commented,"I have no idea, but wow were they weird! I think Nest Overcoat is the weirder one."
"How can you tell who's who?" asked Snarky.
"Easy, Nest Overcoat has a yellow left eye, and Nest Lakefront has a yellow right eye." He scratched his nose, then added,"I wonder if they're rich?"
Snarky just grimaced. Suddenly, they both heard a sound. Loud voices and footsteps were approaching from a distant room. They got closer and closer, and Tinky and Snarky looked a little afraid. With all the weird, dark apparitions lately, this could be their doom. Two dark shadows loomed out of the hazy murk, then lunged into the weak light.
They both gasped.
...to be continued.
"So what exactly happened to your friends?"
Snarky frowned as he drove. The buildings huddled in the growing shadows. Every so often a bright spark of light flew around, then disappeared. People lurked, slouching from doorway to alley, afraid to be seen in the open. A big rat or a small dog sped from behind some garbage cans and grabbed something from the street in its jaws. The something struggled, then fell limp. The dog-rat sank its fangs into it, then it, too, fell limp, falling onto its side, settling into a pothole. A crack spread from the hole and zigzagged to the nearest building where it stopped suddenly. The building briefly turned a vivid shade of yellow, brighter than a million sunflowers, then it faded and finally turned black before it wobbled and then disappeared with a quiet pop.
Snarky and Tinky didn't see any of this because they were looking in the other direction.
"I told you before, they were there one minute, and gone the next," said Snarky.
"Are you sure you didn't kill them or something?"
"Pretty sure." Snarky bared his teeth. "I might go for a third murder any moment."
"Fine, fine", said Tinky.
The van went over a large bump and they both heard a loud scream.
"What was that?" asked Tinky.
"Sounds like someone got a large bump on the head," replied Snarky.
"Weird." Tinky looked at the intersection, then directed Snarky to take a right. After a few more blocks, they saw it.
"Holy crap," said Snarky, eyes wide. "When you said mansion, I didn't realize you meant the Taj Mahal!"
It wasn't the Taj Mahal, which was probably still in India. This mansion took up an entire city block. It was made of the finest marble, crafted in a Gothic style, with columns and gargoyles liberally distributed across its expanse. The effect was one of grandeur, of ancient wealth, of imposing size, of occult knowledge, of ego, and a little bit of wonkiness, as if the architect had crossed eyes. It had also become decrepit, and looked as if it would fall down at any time. Many people had lived here once, but now it looked like the only people who would want to live there were ones who wanted to commit suicide by ghost.
"Welcome to my humble abode!" cried Tinky, spreading his arms, which bonked against the van window and Snarky's head.
Snarky just muttered. "You sure we won't get our heads bashed in by falling stone?"
"Probably not," Tinky said with a smile.
They got out of the van. Snarky bent down to check if that bump had damaged it. All he saw was a dark mass.
"Ugh, looks like we hit some large animal. I can't even tell what it was, maybe a pony? I ain't cleaning that."
Tinky bounded up to the front door, and then darted past a column to where another, smaller door was, a serviceman's entrance. "In here!"
Snarky followed, dragging his feet. It had been a tiring few days. The air felt greasy. Tinky disappeared inside.
When Snarky first saw the interior, he felt let down. He had expected opulence, maybe even faded opulence, but it was just a large room full of junk. "What is all this stuff?"
"This is my great palace, full of my prized valuables!" Tinky spread his arms again, but this time they just hit dirty sheets.
"Valuables? You couldn't pay me to take any of this."
Tinky looked hurt. "It took a long time for me to accumulate this. All the houses I had to break into, all the people I had to mug, all the scams I had to pull. It was hard work!"
Snarky looked at the broken junk, the mouldy furniture, the peeling paint, and the dirty knickknacks, and decided to keep his trap shut for once. "Yeah, looks awesome." His stomach growled. "You said there was food and drink?"
"This way, sirrah!" Tinky led the way past the debris, through other rooms full of old and mysterious objects, past tapestries and paintings depicting odd scenes and odder people, some of which didn't seem like they were on Earth or human. Down a flight of stairs and then there they were: the kitchen. It gleamed as if new.
"How come the kitchen looks new?" asked Snarky.
"I have no idea. The place is run-down, but the kitchen looks untouched. It was like this when I got here. I don't question why. And another weird thing is that every morning, it's fully stocked. I can eat and drink as much as I want, and when I wake up, it's as if I hadn't touched a thing!"
Snarky looked disturbed. "Doesn't that concern you? I mean, what if it's poisoned magical food? You could be mutating as we speak." He looked at Tinky's small size and smirked.
"Shut up or I'll cut you!" Tinky snarled.
"Calm down, little guy."
Instead of fighting, they both decided that eating was better. They went through the fridge and cupboards, and each laid out a feast that would have impressed kings. After they had satisfied their gluttony and lay on sofas in the next room, groaning and exhausted, they fell asleep.
They both awoke with a startle to find that identical twin girls were staring at them. They both had black hair and blue skin and were in their teens. They were dressed the same, with red jackets over white shirts, and black skirts over red leggings. They were shorter than Snarky, but taller than Tinky. Their eyes gleamed, their noses were a little long, but the most interesting thing about them was that they only looked half there. Like holograms.
"Are you holograms?" asked Snarky.
The two girls shook their heads solemnly.
"Can you speak?" he asked.
"Of course we can," said one.
"What are we, freaks?" said the other.
"My name is Nest Lakefront!" said the first one.
"And my name is Nest Overcoat!" said the second.
"Don't you get confused?" asked Tinky, looking up at them, getting a good look at their noses.
"Sometimes," said Nest Overcoat.
"But then we forget," said Nest Lakefront. "What are your names?"
"I'm Snarky Snapdragon," said Snarky, "and this leprechaun is Tinky Dingbat."
"Your name is Snarky Snapdragon?" said Tinky, laughing."And you think my name is silly?"
"It's better than yours." Snarky looked thoughtful. "Seems like everyone has unlikely names lately. Now that I think of it, I used to have another name."
The twins looked at the lads, looking at Tinky, then Snarky, then they both just looked at Snarky.
"Your name is Snarky Snapdragon?" said Nest Lakefront, eyes wide.
"We've been looking for you!" added Nest Overcoat.
"Is it because I'm a love god?" Snarky looked hopeful.
Nest Overcoat looked thoughtful. "I don't think so."
"Then why?"
Nest Lakefront smiled. "We have news about the old man in the cave."
Snarky looked stunned. "The old man in the cave! My friend Stumpy said something about that. He said was in a trance and learned that." He looked stunned again. "My friends Stumpy and Enver! We have to find them."
"What do you know?" he asked the girls.
Nest Overcoat spoke first. "We live in a far-off land, in the east. After the light in the eastern sky, people started acting strangely. Only one person knew anything about it, an old man who lives in a cave."
Nest Lakefront took over. "His cave is in a mountain, not too far from where we live, but nobody knows how to get there. If he needs to speak to you, he comes to you. Occasionally people stumble across his cave, but they can never remember where it is."
The sisters looked at each other, then Nest Overcoat spoke."Normally he doesn't speak to anybody that often, but recently, he's been talking to people more. He kept mentioning someone called Snarky Snapdragon, but nobody knew who that was."
Nest Lakefront continued."We had no idea how to contact this person, so the old man said he'd let us use his device. He chose us for some reason. It's a sort of teleportation device, but it only lets half of you go somewhere, so you look misty and you can't really have much of an effect on anything."
"Also," said Nest Overcoat,"it doesn't last very long. We don't have much time, so you have to come quick! Just head east! You will find us."
They started to fade, blinking in and out.
"How far is it?" shouted Snarky. "What does this all mean?"
It was too late, the girls had vanished.
He looked at Tinky.
Tinky just shrugged and commented,"I have no idea, but wow were they weird! I think Nest Overcoat is the weirder one."
"How can you tell who's who?" asked Snarky.
"Easy, Nest Overcoat has a yellow left eye, and Nest Lakefront has a yellow right eye." He scratched his nose, then added,"I wonder if they're rich?"
Snarky just grimaced. Suddenly, they both heard a sound. Loud voices and footsteps were approaching from a distant room. They got closer and closer, and Tinky and Snarky looked a little afraid. With all the weird, dark apparitions lately, this could be their doom. Two dark shadows loomed out of the hazy murk, then lunged into the weak light.
They both gasped.
...to be continued.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #6
The day was going to end up hot. They all knew it. The dust swirled around, getting in their hair and up their noses, and all of them were miserable. They had even stopped making tasteless jokes about each other.
"Are we there yet?" Perky asked.
Billy Bob shook his head. "No, little one." With more than a little irritation in his voice, he added,"If we were, you'd know."
Perky looked a little pouty. "Just asking."
Billy Bob tossed a snack at her. "Eat up."
Shok Rijja was lagging behind a bit. His legs felt tired, despite having gotten plenty of exercise by walking in the hills for a long time, and his robe was beginning to become impregnated with dust and sweat. He sneakily sniffed himself, then wrinkled his nose. "Hey, does your friend Oakpucker have a shower, or a well, or something?"
"Abner Oakbucket," replied Billy Bob, "has minimal accommodations. It's more of a secret laboratory than a hotel. He has a well, least he did last time I saw him. Hell, for all I know he has a movie theatre and a spa."
"Really?" said Perky and Shok at almost the same time.
Billy Bob just grunted and walked a little faster.
Overhead, the sky was a faded blue, the air too hot for any stronger colour. Little puffs of white cloud scudded across the sky in the distance, but it was as if they were avoiding our group. Even more distant mountains almost looked as if they were being drenched in rain, but that was just a rumour and a tease. Everywhere the mostly flat plain of the valley stretched out as far as the eye could see, with objects too hazy to make out, as if they were there one moment, and gone the next.
Perky scuffed at some small rocks, causing more dust to billow up, making her cough. She spat out the dust, or tried to. The spit just clung to the dust.
Shok also tried scuffing at some rocks, but he missed one and then hit the next one, but it was actually a small tip of a deeply buried larger rock, and he hurt his toe. "Ow!" He fell to the ground. The other two paused for a moment, looked back, and then continued trudging on. Shok massaged his toe for a few moments, then got up and limped onward, grimacing.
Onward they marched, spread out in a loose single file. Sweat had glistened on their skin, dried, become merged with dust, then they had sweated again, repeating the process over and over until they felt like they were one with the land. Shok had fantasies that he'd drop to the ground, which would swallow him up and he would become half man, half mole, ruling the underground world as the King he'd always dreamed of being. Perky had fantasies that one of the mirages would turn out to be a real pool of water, and it would have fun people and pool toys and yummy fruity drinks. Billy Bob just kept thinking that Abner's place should be around here soon, and he hoped he hadn't made a wrong turn, although in a flat, roadless plain, there weren't really any turns.
"Hey, man, how long have we been walking?" asked Shok in a grumbly voice.
"Bout an hour," replied Billy Bob.
"What??" yelled Shok and Perky at more or less the same time.
"Well, that's just a guess. I don't have a watch, and these parts have a funny relationship with time. Time passes differently, dependin' on where you are. The gap back yonder was more than a gap, it was a barrier between zones. The more time passes, the more these differences change. I wouldn't be surprised if one day, some areas will be thousands of years in the future, or the past, dependin' on your point of view."
"That sounds dumb," said Shok. "Doesn't it?" He looked unsure. He hadn't really paid much attention to anything except his parents leaving, and his hunger.
"Freaky", breathed Perky. "I think I saw an anime like that once."
They all stopped so they could drink some of their dwindling supply of water.
Billy Bob wiped his mouth. "Abner's place should be around here. Thing is, his place ain't exactly obvious. Because of all the evil that's roamin' around, he kinda...hid it."
Shok frowned. "Wait a minute. We've been walking through this forsaken place for...a long time...trying to find a place that if it is here, is hidden?" He scratched his nose.
Perky felt so frustrated she felt ready to flop around on the ground like a two year old having a tantrum. "I'm bored!"
"Now, hold on, you two! It is around here, I know that. I just gotta find a signpost. He keeps switchin' 'em. It's one of three things: a stick with a rag on it sticking outta the ground, or a rock with a white spot on it, or a circle in the dirt. I gotta find one a them."
Perky and Shok looked at each other with blank stares.
"Wait a second," said Shok. "You're telling us that his three signs are things that are either so common here they could be anything, or they're things that could easily blow away or be moved by animals?"
Perky didn't really like to criticize, but even she thought Billy Bob was being dumb.
Billy Bob looked at them. "Trust me, you'd know them if you saw them. They kinda...stand out."
All of a sudden, just as Perky and Shok were going to complain some more, a small shadow moved towards them. They looked up, and a very small section of black cloud was directly above. As they looked up in wonder, it began to rain. Hard, torrential rain. It spattered them and battered them. In seconds, it washed all their dust and sweat off. They felt cool. Just as suddenly, it stopped. A silence rang out. A low rumble moved the ground beneath them. All around them, the soil burst open in little mounds. Shiny black tentacles with white nodes on them popped out of the mounds. Several of them whipped around the legs of our trio. Everyone started yelling. Billy Bob used his confiscated staff to beat at the tentacles. He got a few of them, causing the arms to explode, green ichor spurting out, hissing when it hit the now-muddy ground. Perky was on the ground, flailing at one that had wrapped around her legs. A few of her sparkly-painted fingernails slashed at the invaders, causing them to twitch and withdraw. Shok was stamping on some, squishing them, but more come. All around was noise, mud, and green blood. They seemed to be making headway, but then more tentacles would pop up. All seemed lost.
Then out of the sky, with a whoop and a holler, came the ten-foot crow with the bowler hat and the ugly clothes that had been following them since the gap. He screeched and used his claws on the tentacles, beating his wings, and slashing with his beak. More mud, and blood, filled the air, but finally the tentacles began to retreat. After more long minutes of fighting, the last one slithered under the ground in defeat. They all lay there in the mud, exhausted, bloody or bruised, some of the blood red, some of it green. The sun beat down on them mercilessly.
Finally, Billy Bob sat up. He looked at the giant crow. "Well, it sure took ya long enough, Abner!"
Perky and Shok were astonished, their mouths hanging open.
"THIS is Abner Oakbucket?", they said at exactly the same time.
The crow nodded. "Pleased to meet you. Forgive my lateness. I've been tailing you, haha, since the gap, and I got caught up in a minor side experiment with a flock of birds a ways back. I saw the black cloud forming from a mile away and I knew I had to rush."
"What were those things?" asked Perky, her eyes wide.
"Ah well,"Abner coughed. "Seems one of my little, ah, experiments got a little out of hand. Those were the many arms of a desert squid. First of its kind!" He looked proud. "Who knew that a creature of the ocean would thrive so well in an underground desert environment. Very peculiar. Hm, I don't think being in the heat helped its, ah, mental wellbeing. See, the deep ocean is a cold, cold place. Oh well." He got up.
"Nobody's perfect! Haha, I know all too well," he continued. "But that's the nature of experiments. You can guess, but you can't really know what will happen. Also, my equipment isn't exactly up to date. I've had to, ahem, cobble together my lab from the meanest of sources." He looked at the three bedraggled adventurers. "I apologize if you were hurt."
"But why would you make a desert squid?" asked Shok. "I mean, what's the point?"
Abner looked into the distance, then looked at young Shok Rijja. He paused, then answered. "What's the point of my bowler hat?", which answered nothing.
Abner picked up a stick from the ground and waved it in the air. The air shimmered and slowly, a vast hollow appeared. Unlike the surrounding plain, it was green with trees. A trickling brook wound its way through the woods, and in clearing about a hundred paces away, stood Abner's place, his home and his laboratory.
"Won't you all come inside?"
...to be continued.
"Are we there yet?" Perky asked.
Billy Bob shook his head. "No, little one." With more than a little irritation in his voice, he added,"If we were, you'd know."
Perky looked a little pouty. "Just asking."
Billy Bob tossed a snack at her. "Eat up."
Shok Rijja was lagging behind a bit. His legs felt tired, despite having gotten plenty of exercise by walking in the hills for a long time, and his robe was beginning to become impregnated with dust and sweat. He sneakily sniffed himself, then wrinkled his nose. "Hey, does your friend Oakpucker have a shower, or a well, or something?"
"Abner Oakbucket," replied Billy Bob, "has minimal accommodations. It's more of a secret laboratory than a hotel. He has a well, least he did last time I saw him. Hell, for all I know he has a movie theatre and a spa."
"Really?" said Perky and Shok at almost the same time.
Billy Bob just grunted and walked a little faster.
Overhead, the sky was a faded blue, the air too hot for any stronger colour. Little puffs of white cloud scudded across the sky in the distance, but it was as if they were avoiding our group. Even more distant mountains almost looked as if they were being drenched in rain, but that was just a rumour and a tease. Everywhere the mostly flat plain of the valley stretched out as far as the eye could see, with objects too hazy to make out, as if they were there one moment, and gone the next.
Perky scuffed at some small rocks, causing more dust to billow up, making her cough. She spat out the dust, or tried to. The spit just clung to the dust.
Shok also tried scuffing at some rocks, but he missed one and then hit the next one, but it was actually a small tip of a deeply buried larger rock, and he hurt his toe. "Ow!" He fell to the ground. The other two paused for a moment, looked back, and then continued trudging on. Shok massaged his toe for a few moments, then got up and limped onward, grimacing.
Onward they marched, spread out in a loose single file. Sweat had glistened on their skin, dried, become merged with dust, then they had sweated again, repeating the process over and over until they felt like they were one with the land. Shok had fantasies that he'd drop to the ground, which would swallow him up and he would become half man, half mole, ruling the underground world as the King he'd always dreamed of being. Perky had fantasies that one of the mirages would turn out to be a real pool of water, and it would have fun people and pool toys and yummy fruity drinks. Billy Bob just kept thinking that Abner's place should be around here soon, and he hoped he hadn't made a wrong turn, although in a flat, roadless plain, there weren't really any turns.
"Hey, man, how long have we been walking?" asked Shok in a grumbly voice.
"Bout an hour," replied Billy Bob.
"What??" yelled Shok and Perky at more or less the same time.
"Well, that's just a guess. I don't have a watch, and these parts have a funny relationship with time. Time passes differently, dependin' on where you are. The gap back yonder was more than a gap, it was a barrier between zones. The more time passes, the more these differences change. I wouldn't be surprised if one day, some areas will be thousands of years in the future, or the past, dependin' on your point of view."
"That sounds dumb," said Shok. "Doesn't it?" He looked unsure. He hadn't really paid much attention to anything except his parents leaving, and his hunger.
"Freaky", breathed Perky. "I think I saw an anime like that once."
They all stopped so they could drink some of their dwindling supply of water.
Billy Bob wiped his mouth. "Abner's place should be around here. Thing is, his place ain't exactly obvious. Because of all the evil that's roamin' around, he kinda...hid it."
Shok frowned. "Wait a minute. We've been walking through this forsaken place for...a long time...trying to find a place that if it is here, is hidden?" He scratched his nose.
Perky felt so frustrated she felt ready to flop around on the ground like a two year old having a tantrum. "I'm bored!"
"Now, hold on, you two! It is around here, I know that. I just gotta find a signpost. He keeps switchin' 'em. It's one of three things: a stick with a rag on it sticking outta the ground, or a rock with a white spot on it, or a circle in the dirt. I gotta find one a them."
Perky and Shok looked at each other with blank stares.
"Wait a second," said Shok. "You're telling us that his three signs are things that are either so common here they could be anything, or they're things that could easily blow away or be moved by animals?"
Perky didn't really like to criticize, but even she thought Billy Bob was being dumb.
Billy Bob looked at them. "Trust me, you'd know them if you saw them. They kinda...stand out."
All of a sudden, just as Perky and Shok were going to complain some more, a small shadow moved towards them. They looked up, and a very small section of black cloud was directly above. As they looked up in wonder, it began to rain. Hard, torrential rain. It spattered them and battered them. In seconds, it washed all their dust and sweat off. They felt cool. Just as suddenly, it stopped. A silence rang out. A low rumble moved the ground beneath them. All around them, the soil burst open in little mounds. Shiny black tentacles with white nodes on them popped out of the mounds. Several of them whipped around the legs of our trio. Everyone started yelling. Billy Bob used his confiscated staff to beat at the tentacles. He got a few of them, causing the arms to explode, green ichor spurting out, hissing when it hit the now-muddy ground. Perky was on the ground, flailing at one that had wrapped around her legs. A few of her sparkly-painted fingernails slashed at the invaders, causing them to twitch and withdraw. Shok was stamping on some, squishing them, but more come. All around was noise, mud, and green blood. They seemed to be making headway, but then more tentacles would pop up. All seemed lost.
Then out of the sky, with a whoop and a holler, came the ten-foot crow with the bowler hat and the ugly clothes that had been following them since the gap. He screeched and used his claws on the tentacles, beating his wings, and slashing with his beak. More mud, and blood, filled the air, but finally the tentacles began to retreat. After more long minutes of fighting, the last one slithered under the ground in defeat. They all lay there in the mud, exhausted, bloody or bruised, some of the blood red, some of it green. The sun beat down on them mercilessly.
Finally, Billy Bob sat up. He looked at the giant crow. "Well, it sure took ya long enough, Abner!"
Perky and Shok were astonished, their mouths hanging open.
"THIS is Abner Oakbucket?", they said at exactly the same time.
The crow nodded. "Pleased to meet you. Forgive my lateness. I've been tailing you, haha, since the gap, and I got caught up in a minor side experiment with a flock of birds a ways back. I saw the black cloud forming from a mile away and I knew I had to rush."
"What were those things?" asked Perky, her eyes wide.
"Ah well,"Abner coughed. "Seems one of my little, ah, experiments got a little out of hand. Those were the many arms of a desert squid. First of its kind!" He looked proud. "Who knew that a creature of the ocean would thrive so well in an underground desert environment. Very peculiar. Hm, I don't think being in the heat helped its, ah, mental wellbeing. See, the deep ocean is a cold, cold place. Oh well." He got up.
"Nobody's perfect! Haha, I know all too well," he continued. "But that's the nature of experiments. You can guess, but you can't really know what will happen. Also, my equipment isn't exactly up to date. I've had to, ahem, cobble together my lab from the meanest of sources." He looked at the three bedraggled adventurers. "I apologize if you were hurt."
"But why would you make a desert squid?" asked Shok. "I mean, what's the point?"
Abner looked into the distance, then looked at young Shok Rijja. He paused, then answered. "What's the point of my bowler hat?", which answered nothing.
Abner picked up a stick from the ground and waved it in the air. The air shimmered and slowly, a vast hollow appeared. Unlike the surrounding plain, it was green with trees. A trickling brook wound its way through the woods, and in clearing about a hundred paces away, stood Abner's place, his home and his laboratory.
"Won't you all come inside?"
...to be continued.
Wednesday, May 03, 2017
The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #5
Snarky was startled. Enver and Stumpy were missing. How could that have happened? He didn't see or hear anything. This world that had been annoying was now mysterious. Well, that was better---he could work with that. He wiped his nose and thought.
"Well, first thing is to get a hotel room. I need a base to look for the guys from. Anyway, my goal is to find out what's happening to me and to find that mysterious guy somewhere." He thought that sounded stupid. How disloyal! Wait, he didn't care about crap like that. This goody world was poisoning him.
A knock was heard on the door. He looked out the window and saw nothing. Another knock. He opened the window and looked at the ground. A small disc was there. So what? As he was about the pull back into the window, a skinny snaky arm formed from the disc and extended to the door, paused, and knocked. He stared.
"Yeah? Whaddya want?" he asked.
A mouth formed on the yellow disc. It made an O. "Are yoooo going toooo park here all dayyyy?"
"Maybe. Why? You don't have a car." Snarky didn't know whether to laugh or step on the disc.
As he was deciding, the disc raised off the ground and four little wheels formed. Snarky swore he heard a "putt-putt" sound. He scratched his ear. "Fine! I just mysteriously lost two friends, you little dink. Glad to know someone cares." He pretended to be mad and glared at the disc, then pulled away from the curb.
He drove around for a few minutes, then found what he wanted: a hotel. It was small and grubby looking. It might collapse at any moment, but he didn't plan to move in with a wife and six kids and make a happy home. He couldn't tell if it was naturally black, or if that was just pollution. Either way, it looked cheap. The street it was on was cracked and garbage blew around; urban tumbleweeds. Nobody was on the street except for two spindly looking people at the other end of the block, dressed in some dark burlap. This neighbourhood looked like it might have been nice once, maybe even as recently as last month. Things sure had deteriorated quickly. The sun was blazing, yet the air had a chill to it. He parked the van and walked inside the hotel.
The interior was even worse. The lightbulbs were on their last legs, or were 5 watt bulbs, even though Snarky didn't think those even existed. There were some plants, decrepit and dusty. Were they real and dead, or fake and dead? He didn't care. Only two other people were in the lobby: another of those murky spindly people, all lines and sinews and impossibly upright, and the desk clerk. He walked to the front desk.
"Hey, I need a room."
The clerk kept staring at the floor for a few seconds, and then looked up. His eyes were unfocussed. Not drugged, just not present. "Room?" he quavered.
"Yeah, a room. You got one? I bet you do. I bet you got a lot of rooms available. And I bet they don't cost much. Am I right?" Snarky growled.
The clerk looked like he existed in a liquid medium, thick, salty liquid at the bottom of some ocean. One eye wandered around, then came back. His mouth opened, then closed. Finally, he listlessly pointed at the register. "Sign in."
Snarky scribbled something illegible, pulled out some change from his coat pocket, slapped it on the counter, and accepted the key that the clerk had produced. Snarky doubted it was the right key, or that it worked, but took it anyway. If nothing else, it'd be a weapon. The clerk's dark, greasy hair flopped over his eyes and then he dropped to the floor. He wasn't getting paid enough to deal with hair problems.
Snarky had no bags, just stuff in his pockets, so he headed for the stairs and found his room on the second floor. The spindly person in the lobby hadn't followed him, although he thought they might have. The air was much better up here for some reason. The atmosphere in the lobby reminded him of stories his grandfather had told him of the old country, where they burned dung and old tires for heat and light, and never understood why most people died in the dark and cold before the age of fifty. They also had a diet rich in vegetables, and since the road system was so terrible in the old town you would often take a wrong turn and end up in the countryside, where the air was marginally better. So it could have been worse.
The room was as dreadful as he expected, but he also didn't expect to be in it for long. He had to make a plan to find Stumpy and Enver, and hit the road. The room was small. It had a bed and a dresser. There was a small washroom off to one side, that was so filthy that washing was a joke. He lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, which was covered in cracks and small holes. He got up and looked out the window. The same spindly duo were at the corner. They looked up at him. He stared back. They shook their fists. He shook his fist. They bowed. He bowed. They took off suddenly around the corner. Now the only thing on the street was some garbage, which listlessly moved around. Another crack formed in the sidewalk, the closed up just as suddenly. Snarky turned away and sat on the bed again.
He felt hungry, so he searched in his pockets and found something he didn't remember putting in there. Stumpy must have slipped it in. It was a kind of bread, he thought. He bit it, and it tasted pretty good. Kind of lemony. He ate the whole piece, then lay down on the bed again, but turned his head away. The holes in the ceiling looked like bullet holes, or holes made by some giant insect. Snarky was tough, but things were getting a little weird. He closed his eyes.
He woke up abruptly, and everything was dark. He turned on the lamp that was on a tiny table next to the bed. The light was brighter than the lobby lights, but not by much. The room was still. The back of his neck crawled. The room wasn't as still as he thought. He looked around, but didn't see anything. His gaze returned to the table, and he jumped. Standing in the dim light was a man, or at least it looked like a man, if men were one foot tall and had rat whiskers and rabbit ears. Its nose twitched. They stared at each other for a long moment, then Snarky spoke first.
"What are you?"
The tiny man-thing frowned. "Well, that's fucking rude!" He grinned. "But that's OK. I get that a lot. I'm not really sure what I am, to be honest. I think I used to be a man, but obviously something happened. A few weeks ago---"
"Let me guess. There were mysterious lights in the eastern sky?"
"You saw them too? Good. Not everyone remembers, or cares." The little man-thing looked thoughtful. "My name's Tinky Dingbat. What's yours?"
Snarky stared, his mouth slightly open. "That can't be your name."
Tinky looked at him. "You're right. For some reason, I've forgotten my true name. This name came to me a few days ago. It seems really silly---I mean, Tinky? But it's better than nothing, or what the neighbour kids call me, which is Hey Fuckface. That gets me. So unimaginative. Not something creative like Rabbit Man, or Tiny Whiskerdoodle." He frowed again. "I think I used to be a teacher."
"Kindergarten?" asked Snarky.
"No, first year university. But I can't check, because where I think the university is supposed to be is now a crematorium. Things aren't as clear as they used to be. Have you seen those creatures, those spindly men? They don't look substantial enough to remain upright, and yet there they are, standing around everywhere, walking around corners. You know, I once saw one go around a corner, so I followed it, and when I turned the corner, it had vanished. What do you think about that?"
Snarky just stared. "Well, things sure have been strange lately. I was travelling with two companions. We had some vague idea that some man living in a cave on a mountain far away had some answers, but my two friends just vanished. Literally vanished from our van a little while ago. Did you say Tinky Dingbat?"
"Yes, why?"
"That's the name I used to sign in! I just made it up. It just came to me. Weird."
They stared at each other some more. Tinky spoke up. "Would it be OK if I robbed you now?"
Snarky started. "What? Why?"
"I'm starving! I can't get a job teaching anymore, nobody will give me any food, and my head feels funny all the time. I'm desperate!"
Snarky stood up. "Well, so am I! My world is upside down, people keep mysteriously appearing and disappearing, and I had some lemon bread a while ago that was the only food I had!" He looked at Tinky. He bent down and poked him in the belly. "You don't look like you're starving. That's a nice little paunch there, buddy!"
Tinky swatted Snarky's hand away. "Quit that! Yeah, OK, so I'm not starving at this moment. I actually had a pretty good meal earlier. Steak, potatoes and a salad with Black Forest cake for dessert and a snifter of brandy for an aperatif. But who knows how long this will last? OK, so I found a rich guy's mansion, stuffed to the rafters with food, but it could all go away for all I know. I'm thinking of my future."
Snarky growled. "What? I ate stale lemon bread, when I could be having steak and cake and booze? You little rat!" His hands reached out to grab Tinky, but the little man darted away.
"Hey hey now! Calm down. How about this: I won't rob you, but instead you can come with me to this mansion and we can both eat. Sound good?" He raised his hands.
Snarky stopped frowning. "Well, OK. But after we eat, we have to go find my friends."
"Sure, sure, no problem, guy." Tinky danced around. "I haven't talked to anyone sane in weeks. I was beginning to go a bit loopy." He stopped dancing and then a dark look crossed his face.
"And if anyone messes with us, we mess with them. Permanently." His mouth turned up at the corners, but it wasn't mirthful.
"Yeah, OK, whatever, man." Snarky rolled his eyes. This little pipsqueak wouldn't scare a sick bumblebee.
Since Snarky didn't have any bags, just coat pockets now slightly emptier, he and Tinky left the room and went downstairs. He looked over the counter, and the clerk was still on the floor, not moving. Was he dead? Snarky didn't care to find out. He grabbed the change he had left for the room, and turned around. The spindly man wasn't there anymore, but there was one more dusty old plant. The two of them left the drab hotel.
Tinky looked up at Snarky. "That your van? Cool. I'll tell you where to drive. It's not far, but then again, it's not close and these streets aren't safe anyway."
They got in, the van started with a cough and off they went.
Unseen by them, they had a passenger. One of the spindly figures was hanging from the underside of the van, tucked in close. As the van turned the corner, more of the dark figures detached themselves from the shadows and followed, moving faster than any natural living creature could.
...to be continued.
"Well, first thing is to get a hotel room. I need a base to look for the guys from. Anyway, my goal is to find out what's happening to me and to find that mysterious guy somewhere." He thought that sounded stupid. How disloyal! Wait, he didn't care about crap like that. This goody world was poisoning him.
A knock was heard on the door. He looked out the window and saw nothing. Another knock. He opened the window and looked at the ground. A small disc was there. So what? As he was about the pull back into the window, a skinny snaky arm formed from the disc and extended to the door, paused, and knocked. He stared.
"Yeah? Whaddya want?" he asked.
A mouth formed on the yellow disc. It made an O. "Are yoooo going toooo park here all dayyyy?"
"Maybe. Why? You don't have a car." Snarky didn't know whether to laugh or step on the disc.
As he was deciding, the disc raised off the ground and four little wheels formed. Snarky swore he heard a "putt-putt" sound. He scratched his ear. "Fine! I just mysteriously lost two friends, you little dink. Glad to know someone cares." He pretended to be mad and glared at the disc, then pulled away from the curb.
He drove around for a few minutes, then found what he wanted: a hotel. It was small and grubby looking. It might collapse at any moment, but he didn't plan to move in with a wife and six kids and make a happy home. He couldn't tell if it was naturally black, or if that was just pollution. Either way, it looked cheap. The street it was on was cracked and garbage blew around; urban tumbleweeds. Nobody was on the street except for two spindly looking people at the other end of the block, dressed in some dark burlap. This neighbourhood looked like it might have been nice once, maybe even as recently as last month. Things sure had deteriorated quickly. The sun was blazing, yet the air had a chill to it. He parked the van and walked inside the hotel.
The interior was even worse. The lightbulbs were on their last legs, or were 5 watt bulbs, even though Snarky didn't think those even existed. There were some plants, decrepit and dusty. Were they real and dead, or fake and dead? He didn't care. Only two other people were in the lobby: another of those murky spindly people, all lines and sinews and impossibly upright, and the desk clerk. He walked to the front desk.
"Hey, I need a room."
The clerk kept staring at the floor for a few seconds, and then looked up. His eyes were unfocussed. Not drugged, just not present. "Room?" he quavered.
"Yeah, a room. You got one? I bet you do. I bet you got a lot of rooms available. And I bet they don't cost much. Am I right?" Snarky growled.
The clerk looked like he existed in a liquid medium, thick, salty liquid at the bottom of some ocean. One eye wandered around, then came back. His mouth opened, then closed. Finally, he listlessly pointed at the register. "Sign in."
Snarky scribbled something illegible, pulled out some change from his coat pocket, slapped it on the counter, and accepted the key that the clerk had produced. Snarky doubted it was the right key, or that it worked, but took it anyway. If nothing else, it'd be a weapon. The clerk's dark, greasy hair flopped over his eyes and then he dropped to the floor. He wasn't getting paid enough to deal with hair problems.
Snarky had no bags, just stuff in his pockets, so he headed for the stairs and found his room on the second floor. The spindly person in the lobby hadn't followed him, although he thought they might have. The air was much better up here for some reason. The atmosphere in the lobby reminded him of stories his grandfather had told him of the old country, where they burned dung and old tires for heat and light, and never understood why most people died in the dark and cold before the age of fifty. They also had a diet rich in vegetables, and since the road system was so terrible in the old town you would often take a wrong turn and end up in the countryside, where the air was marginally better. So it could have been worse.
The room was as dreadful as he expected, but he also didn't expect to be in it for long. He had to make a plan to find Stumpy and Enver, and hit the road. The room was small. It had a bed and a dresser. There was a small washroom off to one side, that was so filthy that washing was a joke. He lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, which was covered in cracks and small holes. He got up and looked out the window. The same spindly duo were at the corner. They looked up at him. He stared back. They shook their fists. He shook his fist. They bowed. He bowed. They took off suddenly around the corner. Now the only thing on the street was some garbage, which listlessly moved around. Another crack formed in the sidewalk, the closed up just as suddenly. Snarky turned away and sat on the bed again.
He felt hungry, so he searched in his pockets and found something he didn't remember putting in there. Stumpy must have slipped it in. It was a kind of bread, he thought. He bit it, and it tasted pretty good. Kind of lemony. He ate the whole piece, then lay down on the bed again, but turned his head away. The holes in the ceiling looked like bullet holes, or holes made by some giant insect. Snarky was tough, but things were getting a little weird. He closed his eyes.
He woke up abruptly, and everything was dark. He turned on the lamp that was on a tiny table next to the bed. The light was brighter than the lobby lights, but not by much. The room was still. The back of his neck crawled. The room wasn't as still as he thought. He looked around, but didn't see anything. His gaze returned to the table, and he jumped. Standing in the dim light was a man, or at least it looked like a man, if men were one foot tall and had rat whiskers and rabbit ears. Its nose twitched. They stared at each other for a long moment, then Snarky spoke first.
"What are you?"
The tiny man-thing frowned. "Well, that's fucking rude!" He grinned. "But that's OK. I get that a lot. I'm not really sure what I am, to be honest. I think I used to be a man, but obviously something happened. A few weeks ago---"
"Let me guess. There were mysterious lights in the eastern sky?"
"You saw them too? Good. Not everyone remembers, or cares." The little man-thing looked thoughtful. "My name's Tinky Dingbat. What's yours?"
Snarky stared, his mouth slightly open. "That can't be your name."
Tinky looked at him. "You're right. For some reason, I've forgotten my true name. This name came to me a few days ago. It seems really silly---I mean, Tinky? But it's better than nothing, or what the neighbour kids call me, which is Hey Fuckface. That gets me. So unimaginative. Not something creative like Rabbit Man, or Tiny Whiskerdoodle." He frowed again. "I think I used to be a teacher."
"Kindergarten?" asked Snarky.
"No, first year university. But I can't check, because where I think the university is supposed to be is now a crematorium. Things aren't as clear as they used to be. Have you seen those creatures, those spindly men? They don't look substantial enough to remain upright, and yet there they are, standing around everywhere, walking around corners. You know, I once saw one go around a corner, so I followed it, and when I turned the corner, it had vanished. What do you think about that?"
Snarky just stared. "Well, things sure have been strange lately. I was travelling with two companions. We had some vague idea that some man living in a cave on a mountain far away had some answers, but my two friends just vanished. Literally vanished from our van a little while ago. Did you say Tinky Dingbat?"
"Yes, why?"
"That's the name I used to sign in! I just made it up. It just came to me. Weird."
They stared at each other some more. Tinky spoke up. "Would it be OK if I robbed you now?"
Snarky started. "What? Why?"
"I'm starving! I can't get a job teaching anymore, nobody will give me any food, and my head feels funny all the time. I'm desperate!"
Snarky stood up. "Well, so am I! My world is upside down, people keep mysteriously appearing and disappearing, and I had some lemon bread a while ago that was the only food I had!" He looked at Tinky. He bent down and poked him in the belly. "You don't look like you're starving. That's a nice little paunch there, buddy!"
Tinky swatted Snarky's hand away. "Quit that! Yeah, OK, so I'm not starving at this moment. I actually had a pretty good meal earlier. Steak, potatoes and a salad with Black Forest cake for dessert and a snifter of brandy for an aperatif. But who knows how long this will last? OK, so I found a rich guy's mansion, stuffed to the rafters with food, but it could all go away for all I know. I'm thinking of my future."
Snarky growled. "What? I ate stale lemon bread, when I could be having steak and cake and booze? You little rat!" His hands reached out to grab Tinky, but the little man darted away.
"Hey hey now! Calm down. How about this: I won't rob you, but instead you can come with me to this mansion and we can both eat. Sound good?" He raised his hands.
Snarky stopped frowning. "Well, OK. But after we eat, we have to go find my friends."
"Sure, sure, no problem, guy." Tinky danced around. "I haven't talked to anyone sane in weeks. I was beginning to go a bit loopy." He stopped dancing and then a dark look crossed his face.
"And if anyone messes with us, we mess with them. Permanently." His mouth turned up at the corners, but it wasn't mirthful.
"Yeah, OK, whatever, man." Snarky rolled his eyes. This little pipsqueak wouldn't scare a sick bumblebee.
Since Snarky didn't have any bags, just coat pockets now slightly emptier, he and Tinky left the room and went downstairs. He looked over the counter, and the clerk was still on the floor, not moving. Was he dead? Snarky didn't care to find out. He grabbed the change he had left for the room, and turned around. The spindly man wasn't there anymore, but there was one more dusty old plant. The two of them left the drab hotel.
Tinky looked up at Snarky. "That your van? Cool. I'll tell you where to drive. It's not far, but then again, it's not close and these streets aren't safe anyway."
They got in, the van started with a cough and off they went.
Unseen by them, they had a passenger. One of the spindly figures was hanging from the underside of the van, tucked in close. As the van turned the corner, more of the dark figures detached themselves from the shadows and followed, moving faster than any natural living creature could.
...to be continued.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #5
Perky and Billy Bob picked their way through the underbrush and broken stones.
"Are we there yet?" asked Perky.
"Well, we'll be there when we're there," offered Billy Bob.
Finally, after slogging around and sweating for what seemed like forever to the inexperienced Perky, Billy Bob stopped and pointed.
"There's a gap through the hill there. Once we get through that, Abner's place is in the valley on the other side."
Perky looked hopeful, but also a bit tired. She wasn't skipping as lively as before. The sluggish wind blew ragged leaves around her ankles. Billy Bob sniffed the air and seemed to find nothing alarming. They climbed the mild foothills and saw the gap. Perky's eyes lit up. Billy Bob scratched his jaw.
The gap was a narrow way through the hill. It was wide enough for two people, but only if they liked each other. They had almost gotten to it when suddenly a hooded figure appeared out of nowhere.
"Halt!" the figure cried in a deep yet nasal voice. "You shall not pass!" He pounded his long, crooked wooden staff on the stony ground for emphasis.
Billy Bob gazed up at him. "Why not?"
"Aren't you hot under that cloak? Are you thirsty? I'm thirsty. Do you have anything to drink?" asked Perky.
The hooded figure paused, seeming a little confused as to who he should answer first. He decided to answer Perky first.
"No! Now shut up or I'll smite you."
He turned to Billy Bob and said,"Because I said so. Try it and I'll smite you!"
"Well, now fella, you seem a mite agitated. What ails you?" asked Billy Bob, who wished he had a pipe to look more thoughtful and wise.
The hooded figure stood still for a moment, then swished his robes dramatically. "I am called the Waste Layer by my enemies, the Disruptor by my enemies' enemies, and Shok Rijja by my friends, of whom there are none." He paused, then added,"Because they are all dead, not because I am not the kind of person who doesn't have friends. I had friends, lots of them, and they all sung my praises. So what if I had to kill some of them. Some of them talked like my enemies! Don't do this, don't wipe out that village, don't rain destruction down like evil from the sky. How can I maintain a nickname like the Waste Layer if I don't lay waste?"
Perky giggled.
Shok Rijja bent forward angrily. "What's so funny, little footstool?"
Perky smiled. "Waste Layer? So you, like, go around depositing your waste in layers? Doesn't that get a little smelly? Don't you have a bathroom?"
Billy Bob suppressed a chuckle.
Shok tapped his staff against the stony hillside impatiently. "No, I mean as in I lay waste! That means to destroy in a really nasty way! Destruction! Death! Fires! A little pestilence, and crows pecking at people's heads, too. Don't you know anything?"
"Hey now, fella, Perky here ain't seen nothing like this before. She's from another world, or dimension, or something....we ain't figured that out yet. They don't have none a this stuff there. Her world is a happy place. Much like this place used to be before it all went to hell." Billy Bob really wished he had a pipe, because he could have taken it out of his mouth and pointed for emphasis and it would have made his statement even better.
"An innocent abroad, eh?" Shok Rijja laughed, a deep nasal laugh. "Hm, why are you travelling through these lands anyway? Don't you know they are full of bad people, people like me, who would rather gut someone than lend them some money, even if they promised to pay it back in a week, because he'd been burned too many times in the past by people he thought were friends, people he had to kill and feed to the crows?"
"We're aimin' to visit my friend Abner Oakbucket over yonder. He's a smart sort, someone I think can give us answers," replied Billy Bob.
"Is he....evil?" said Shok in a low, evil tone, which ended in an awkward cough.
"Nope, don't reckon he is. Not that I know of. I don't know him real well, but he's never tried to kill me anyways."
Shok Rijja looked at Perky and Billy Bob. "Are either of you...evil?"
"I'm not!" cried Perky. "I'm good! I believe in sunshine and happiness, hugs and candy! Although lately I don't mind broken rocks. They look neat."
"Neither of us are evil, sir," said Billy Bob. "I ain't perfect, but anything I've had to do is for survival." He looked a little embarrassed and gazed at something terribly interesting on the ground.
"Sir, I like that. I prefer 'Master', but sir will do. You will call me sir as slaves in my army of doom. If you are lucky, you will rise in ranks and perhaps become a trusted lackey. Or I might kill you on a whim and roast you for dinner." Shok stamped his feet.
"Hey now, fella! We don't aim to be slaves in nobody's army, nohow! We just want to pass quietly through this gap and be on our way." Billy Bob looked a bit mad.
Perky started dancing around, hiding behind rocky outcrops and then re-appearing. Shok turned his head to follow her.
"Stop that!" he yelled. Perky darted behind him and kicked his shin. "Ow!" He tried to hit her with his staff, but she was too quick and his robes slowed him down. Billy Bob ran up to where Shok was standing and pushed him over. Shok fell with a squeak. "Help!"
Billy Bob and Perky sat on him. Billy Bob snatched his staff away. He pulled the cowl of the robe back. Staring back at him was a frightened, skinny, pale young man.
"Get off me!" he grunted. "You're too heavy."
"Not afore you promise to drop all this nonsense about threats and roastin' us for dinner and all that sir stuff," said Billy Bob.
"OK! Fine, fine. Just get off me. I think I heard some ribs crack."
Billy Bob and Perky got off him, but kept the staff. Billy Bob waved it threateningly. Shok sat up and dusted off his robes. "Man, I just got this cleaned."
Billy Bob glared at him. "Now Mister Shok Rijja, who are you and what's this all about?"
Shok glared. "OK, fine. I'm not really the Grandmaster of Doom. I'm just lonely, hungry and bored." He looked hopeful. "Do you have anything to eat? I ate a crow last week, but it tasted terrible."
Billy Bob gave him some food out of his sack. Shok gobbled it up like a tapeworm. After he had eaten, everyone felt more relaxed.
"Now, if'n you don't mind, we'd like to be on our way," said Billy Bob. Perky nodded.
"Can I join you? I've been so terribly bored ever since my parents moved away a couple months ago. I may not be the King of Evil, but there are creatures in these hills that are very scary. I hear weird noises at night, and see odd footprints. I've been sleeping in a small cave just up the hill. It's dark and smelly."
"Only if you give me a piggyback ride!" exclaimed Perky. "My feet are tired. I haven't been this tired since I was at a rave last year and everyone took this drug that was supposed to make you dance better but instead it made everyone forget about time and we danced for days until the people on the farm next door came to make us shut up."
Shok looked hesitant until Billy Bob gripped the staff tightly. "OK OK. Hop aboard. I hope you're as light as you look." With a squeal, Perky jumped on his back, making him stumble. "Oof."
The unlikely trio set off down the hill on the other side of the gap. The sun was directly above, and the day promised to be a hot one. Wispy clouds hung listlessly in the sky, the dirt kicked up by their footsteps tumbled awkwardly down the incline, the wind sounded as if it had asthma, and not too far above them, perched on a pointy bit of stone, was a menacing-looking creature. It was like a crow, if a crow was ten feet tall, wore a bowler hat, and wore truly ugly trousers, all mismatched patches and sparkly bits. Its eyes narrowed as it followed the threesome's passage. It began to hum a tune, one that was both familiar and utterly alien. It shifted its feet, then in a leathery flap, took to the sky, soaring far above. It circled for a while, then followed our three.
...to be continued.
"Are we there yet?" asked Perky.
"Well, we'll be there when we're there," offered Billy Bob.
Finally, after slogging around and sweating for what seemed like forever to the inexperienced Perky, Billy Bob stopped and pointed.
"There's a gap through the hill there. Once we get through that, Abner's place is in the valley on the other side."
Perky looked hopeful, but also a bit tired. She wasn't skipping as lively as before. The sluggish wind blew ragged leaves around her ankles. Billy Bob sniffed the air and seemed to find nothing alarming. They climbed the mild foothills and saw the gap. Perky's eyes lit up. Billy Bob scratched his jaw.
The gap was a narrow way through the hill. It was wide enough for two people, but only if they liked each other. They had almost gotten to it when suddenly a hooded figure appeared out of nowhere.
"Halt!" the figure cried in a deep yet nasal voice. "You shall not pass!" He pounded his long, crooked wooden staff on the stony ground for emphasis.
Billy Bob gazed up at him. "Why not?"
"Aren't you hot under that cloak? Are you thirsty? I'm thirsty. Do you have anything to drink?" asked Perky.
The hooded figure paused, seeming a little confused as to who he should answer first. He decided to answer Perky first.
"No! Now shut up or I'll smite you."
He turned to Billy Bob and said,"Because I said so. Try it and I'll smite you!"
"Well, now fella, you seem a mite agitated. What ails you?" asked Billy Bob, who wished he had a pipe to look more thoughtful and wise.
The hooded figure stood still for a moment, then swished his robes dramatically. "I am called the Waste Layer by my enemies, the Disruptor by my enemies' enemies, and Shok Rijja by my friends, of whom there are none." He paused, then added,"Because they are all dead, not because I am not the kind of person who doesn't have friends. I had friends, lots of them, and they all sung my praises. So what if I had to kill some of them. Some of them talked like my enemies! Don't do this, don't wipe out that village, don't rain destruction down like evil from the sky. How can I maintain a nickname like the Waste Layer if I don't lay waste?"
Perky giggled.
Shok Rijja bent forward angrily. "What's so funny, little footstool?"
Perky smiled. "Waste Layer? So you, like, go around depositing your waste in layers? Doesn't that get a little smelly? Don't you have a bathroom?"
Billy Bob suppressed a chuckle.
Shok tapped his staff against the stony hillside impatiently. "No, I mean as in I lay waste! That means to destroy in a really nasty way! Destruction! Death! Fires! A little pestilence, and crows pecking at people's heads, too. Don't you know anything?"
"Hey now, fella, Perky here ain't seen nothing like this before. She's from another world, or dimension, or something....we ain't figured that out yet. They don't have none a this stuff there. Her world is a happy place. Much like this place used to be before it all went to hell." Billy Bob really wished he had a pipe, because he could have taken it out of his mouth and pointed for emphasis and it would have made his statement even better.
"An innocent abroad, eh?" Shok Rijja laughed, a deep nasal laugh. "Hm, why are you travelling through these lands anyway? Don't you know they are full of bad people, people like me, who would rather gut someone than lend them some money, even if they promised to pay it back in a week, because he'd been burned too many times in the past by people he thought were friends, people he had to kill and feed to the crows?"
"We're aimin' to visit my friend Abner Oakbucket over yonder. He's a smart sort, someone I think can give us answers," replied Billy Bob.
"Is he....evil?" said Shok in a low, evil tone, which ended in an awkward cough.
"Nope, don't reckon he is. Not that I know of. I don't know him real well, but he's never tried to kill me anyways."
Shok Rijja looked at Perky and Billy Bob. "Are either of you...evil?"
"I'm not!" cried Perky. "I'm good! I believe in sunshine and happiness, hugs and candy! Although lately I don't mind broken rocks. They look neat."
"Neither of us are evil, sir," said Billy Bob. "I ain't perfect, but anything I've had to do is for survival." He looked a little embarrassed and gazed at something terribly interesting on the ground.
"Sir, I like that. I prefer 'Master', but sir will do. You will call me sir as slaves in my army of doom. If you are lucky, you will rise in ranks and perhaps become a trusted lackey. Or I might kill you on a whim and roast you for dinner." Shok stamped his feet.
"Hey now, fella! We don't aim to be slaves in nobody's army, nohow! We just want to pass quietly through this gap and be on our way." Billy Bob looked a bit mad.
Perky started dancing around, hiding behind rocky outcrops and then re-appearing. Shok turned his head to follow her.
"Stop that!" he yelled. Perky darted behind him and kicked his shin. "Ow!" He tried to hit her with his staff, but she was too quick and his robes slowed him down. Billy Bob ran up to where Shok was standing and pushed him over. Shok fell with a squeak. "Help!"
Billy Bob and Perky sat on him. Billy Bob snatched his staff away. He pulled the cowl of the robe back. Staring back at him was a frightened, skinny, pale young man.
"Get off me!" he grunted. "You're too heavy."
"Not afore you promise to drop all this nonsense about threats and roastin' us for dinner and all that sir stuff," said Billy Bob.
"OK! Fine, fine. Just get off me. I think I heard some ribs crack."
Billy Bob and Perky got off him, but kept the staff. Billy Bob waved it threateningly. Shok sat up and dusted off his robes. "Man, I just got this cleaned."
Billy Bob glared at him. "Now Mister Shok Rijja, who are you and what's this all about?"
Shok glared. "OK, fine. I'm not really the Grandmaster of Doom. I'm just lonely, hungry and bored." He looked hopeful. "Do you have anything to eat? I ate a crow last week, but it tasted terrible."
Billy Bob gave him some food out of his sack. Shok gobbled it up like a tapeworm. After he had eaten, everyone felt more relaxed.
"Now, if'n you don't mind, we'd like to be on our way," said Billy Bob. Perky nodded.
"Can I join you? I've been so terribly bored ever since my parents moved away a couple months ago. I may not be the King of Evil, but there are creatures in these hills that are very scary. I hear weird noises at night, and see odd footprints. I've been sleeping in a small cave just up the hill. It's dark and smelly."
"Only if you give me a piggyback ride!" exclaimed Perky. "My feet are tired. I haven't been this tired since I was at a rave last year and everyone took this drug that was supposed to make you dance better but instead it made everyone forget about time and we danced for days until the people on the farm next door came to make us shut up."
Shok looked hesitant until Billy Bob gripped the staff tightly. "OK OK. Hop aboard. I hope you're as light as you look." With a squeal, Perky jumped on his back, making him stumble. "Oof."
The unlikely trio set off down the hill on the other side of the gap. The sun was directly above, and the day promised to be a hot one. Wispy clouds hung listlessly in the sky, the dirt kicked up by their footsteps tumbled awkwardly down the incline, the wind sounded as if it had asthma, and not too far above them, perched on a pointy bit of stone, was a menacing-looking creature. It was like a crow, if a crow was ten feet tall, wore a bowler hat, and wore truly ugly trousers, all mismatched patches and sparkly bits. Its eyes narrowed as it followed the threesome's passage. It began to hum a tune, one that was both familiar and utterly alien. It shifted its feet, then in a leathery flap, took to the sky, soaring far above. It circled for a while, then followed our three.
...to be continued.
Saturday, April 08, 2017
The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #4
After Snarky Snapdragon figured out how to start the van---most of the buttons and dials seemed to have little purpose other than to tinkle bright melodies and spew candy---he finally pressed a button that started it up.
"Damn van," he grumbled.
The three voyagers were packed tightly into the van, which despite its large size and the exodus of the balloon rats, was still stuffed with all manner of toys and other things. A small flying toy that looked vaguely like a sparrow but with glowing red eyes kept bumping into Snarky's head. He swatted it away but it kept coming back as if lovesick.
"Hey, I think it likes you!" said Stumpy Cucamonga with a leer. Then the toy flew right at Stumpy's nose and he barked out in surprise. The toy began flying erratically around the van and then started banging hard against a window repeatedly. A high-pitched buzzing sound came from it, which really annoyed everyone, so Enver Lovebagge opened a window, grabbed the toy, and tossed it out. It flew behind the van and then exploded with a loud bang and a bright flash, much louder and brighter than would seem possible, considering its small size.
"Man, good thing that didn't happen in here!" said Enver.
Snarky just stared grimly at the streets in front of him as he drove, while Stumpy looked around.
"Hey, there anything to eat in here? I'm starving!"
Enver and Stumpy looked around the van while Snarky gripped the wheel, his stomach grumbling. "If you see anything that looks like normal food, hand me some," he said.
Stumpy picked up something that was blue and soft. "What's this? Can I eat it?" He took a bite without waiting for an answer. The thing he bit squeaked and leaked blue fluid. Then it deflated with a loud whistling sound. Stumpy's face screwed up in confusion, then he took another bite.
"Not bad. A little chewy. Needs salt."
Enver poked at something that had a light on it. The light started to revolved and emit a rainbow of colours. Then the light went out and a brown pellet the size of a golf ball came out one end. He picked it up and sniffed it suspiciously. "Hm, smells like root beer." He licked it. "Tastes like root beer." He nibbled a bit of it. "It is root beer! A blob of root beer." He ate the rest of it. After a few seconds, his face got a little green. Steam started to pour out of his ears and his hair started glowing. The hair whirled around as if alive, tentacles reaching out, searching for things to grasp and maybe strangle. It got more insistent, angrier, waving around in a frenzy, seeking victims blindly. Enver's eyes rolled around in their sockets and his lips rippled. An obnoxious smell filled the vehicle, causing Stumpy to fall back in terror, and making Snarky grip the steering wheel even harder, determined not to crash. Just as suddenly as it had started, everything stopped. The smell disappeared and Enver's hair was normal again. A silence hung heavily.
"I guess it's not root beer, huh?" said Stumpy.
"No," replied Enver. "But it tastes pretty good if you can get over the glowing hair, the smell, and feeling as if you were dead and then reborn in a dimension your brain can't even process."
Stumpy grabbed a handful of the balls and stuffed them in his mouth. He ate them but nothing unusual happened. His face fell.
Enver shrugged. "Guess it was a one-time thing."
"Quit fooling around and find some real food," grumped Snarky. His stomach growled so loud that Stumpy and Enver looked around to find the wild animal that was obviously hiding in the van. When they realized it was Snarky's stomach, they both laughed and tried to find more food.
All they found were more of the root beer balls and some green liquid that smelled vaguely like alcohol, but might have been old lettuce. They did find one other thing, a yellow strip of something sort of like meat. Snarky ate some and pronounced it crappy but edible.
After they had been driving for a while, Snarky looked at the gas gauge.
"Looks like we're going to need gas, or whatever they use to power the engines here. Anyone see a gas station?"
Almost immediately, Stumpy cried out that he did see one.
"Over there, next to the store that looks like an inflated duck!"
What he was looking at was indeed a building that looked like an inflated duck, with big, wide-open eyes and an orange bill. Situated between two normal stone buildings, it looked as if it was trying to escape, about to pop out at any moment and take off for the skies. Various kinds of people were going in and out: tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, one-legged, two-legged, three-legged...Some of the people didn't look human at all. They had blue faces and tentacles coming out where their eyes should be. Some looked human but you felt a strong sense of dread, as if they embodied some ancient evil waiting to burst forth and enslave humanity. Some just looked like idiots. They streamed in and out in two orderly lines.
"Good thing that's not the gas station," said Snarky. "Looks like they'd kill you before they'd feed you." He looked thoughtful. "Hey, that's the first time since all this weirdness started happening that I've seen anything that even looked remotely evil. I think things are, I don't know, kind of falling apart. What do you guys think?"
He parked the van and looked back at the other two.
Enver and Stumpy were nowhere to be found.
...to be continued.
"Damn van," he grumbled.
The three voyagers were packed tightly into the van, which despite its large size and the exodus of the balloon rats, was still stuffed with all manner of toys and other things. A small flying toy that looked vaguely like a sparrow but with glowing red eyes kept bumping into Snarky's head. He swatted it away but it kept coming back as if lovesick.
"Hey, I think it likes you!" said Stumpy Cucamonga with a leer. Then the toy flew right at Stumpy's nose and he barked out in surprise. The toy began flying erratically around the van and then started banging hard against a window repeatedly. A high-pitched buzzing sound came from it, which really annoyed everyone, so Enver Lovebagge opened a window, grabbed the toy, and tossed it out. It flew behind the van and then exploded with a loud bang and a bright flash, much louder and brighter than would seem possible, considering its small size.
"Man, good thing that didn't happen in here!" said Enver.
Snarky just stared grimly at the streets in front of him as he drove, while Stumpy looked around.
"Hey, there anything to eat in here? I'm starving!"
Enver and Stumpy looked around the van while Snarky gripped the wheel, his stomach grumbling. "If you see anything that looks like normal food, hand me some," he said.
Stumpy picked up something that was blue and soft. "What's this? Can I eat it?" He took a bite without waiting for an answer. The thing he bit squeaked and leaked blue fluid. Then it deflated with a loud whistling sound. Stumpy's face screwed up in confusion, then he took another bite.
"Not bad. A little chewy. Needs salt."
Enver poked at something that had a light on it. The light started to revolved and emit a rainbow of colours. Then the light went out and a brown pellet the size of a golf ball came out one end. He picked it up and sniffed it suspiciously. "Hm, smells like root beer." He licked it. "Tastes like root beer." He nibbled a bit of it. "It is root beer! A blob of root beer." He ate the rest of it. After a few seconds, his face got a little green. Steam started to pour out of his ears and his hair started glowing. The hair whirled around as if alive, tentacles reaching out, searching for things to grasp and maybe strangle. It got more insistent, angrier, waving around in a frenzy, seeking victims blindly. Enver's eyes rolled around in their sockets and his lips rippled. An obnoxious smell filled the vehicle, causing Stumpy to fall back in terror, and making Snarky grip the steering wheel even harder, determined not to crash. Just as suddenly as it had started, everything stopped. The smell disappeared and Enver's hair was normal again. A silence hung heavily.
"I guess it's not root beer, huh?" said Stumpy.
"No," replied Enver. "But it tastes pretty good if you can get over the glowing hair, the smell, and feeling as if you were dead and then reborn in a dimension your brain can't even process."
Stumpy grabbed a handful of the balls and stuffed them in his mouth. He ate them but nothing unusual happened. His face fell.
Enver shrugged. "Guess it was a one-time thing."
"Quit fooling around and find some real food," grumped Snarky. His stomach growled so loud that Stumpy and Enver looked around to find the wild animal that was obviously hiding in the van. When they realized it was Snarky's stomach, they both laughed and tried to find more food.
All they found were more of the root beer balls and some green liquid that smelled vaguely like alcohol, but might have been old lettuce. They did find one other thing, a yellow strip of something sort of like meat. Snarky ate some and pronounced it crappy but edible.
After they had been driving for a while, Snarky looked at the gas gauge.
"Looks like we're going to need gas, or whatever they use to power the engines here. Anyone see a gas station?"
Almost immediately, Stumpy cried out that he did see one.
"Over there, next to the store that looks like an inflated duck!"
What he was looking at was indeed a building that looked like an inflated duck, with big, wide-open eyes and an orange bill. Situated between two normal stone buildings, it looked as if it was trying to escape, about to pop out at any moment and take off for the skies. Various kinds of people were going in and out: tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, one-legged, two-legged, three-legged...Some of the people didn't look human at all. They had blue faces and tentacles coming out where their eyes should be. Some looked human but you felt a strong sense of dread, as if they embodied some ancient evil waiting to burst forth and enslave humanity. Some just looked like idiots. They streamed in and out in two orderly lines.
"Good thing that's not the gas station," said Snarky. "Looks like they'd kill you before they'd feed you." He looked thoughtful. "Hey, that's the first time since all this weirdness started happening that I've seen anything that even looked remotely evil. I think things are, I don't know, kind of falling apart. What do you guys think?"
He parked the van and looked back at the other two.
Enver and Stumpy were nowhere to be found.
...to be continued.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)