The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #12

   "Hello, dear," said Cyril to the shambling heap.

   "Dear?" said Billy Bob. "You know this....thing?"

   "Of course," he replied. "This is my wife."

   "Your wife?!" exclaimed Perky. Something small and made of metal fell off something else. Bang.

   "Well, if you want to get persnickety, she used to be my wife. In all the hubbub involving me ending up here, she was caught in some sort of mysterious energy beam, the likes of which I had never seen before. It sort of pulled her apart and put her back together, along with the cat, but it wasn't put together the right way." Cyril looked half sad and half glad.

   "Ain't it kinda awkward?" asked Billy Bob. "I mean, where's her mouth?"

   The heap shuffled a bit from side to side. It looked a little sad, if something that looked like nothing could look like anything. There wasn't a lot of room in the tower, and it must have been uncomfortable for Cyril and his wife-thing to be in the same space. On the other hand...well...I don't think there was another hand. Except on the heap, which looked like it had more than the usual amount of hands and paws.

   It made a sound like a very large cat at the bottom of a deep well making a sad meowing sound.

   "Oh, she's hungry. Let me feed her," said Cyril. He went over to a table and grabbed something that looked like mouldy garbage. He took it to his wife and pressed it against her body. After a few seconds, it disappeared, absorbed into the interior.

   Perky's eyed were big and round. "Cool!" she said "I wish I could eat like that."

   Cyril looked sadly at her. "No, no you don't. I think it's quite painful for her." He smiled suddenly. "Well, on to the chamber!"

   "The chamber?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Yes! Where all the action is. You know, you lot showing up should prove to be very fortunate. My wife, ah, can't assist me in my experiments anymore due to her not having workable hands, Or a mouth. Or eyes. I think. But you! Four healthy hands I presume"---he looked at their hands---"so you can help me escape from this nightmare land!"

   He led them to another room, the entrance to which they hadn't seen due to it being behind a very large cabinet. He went through the narrow space between wall and cabinet, sucking in his stomach. His fingers beckoned them to follow. 

   When they were all in the chamber, they were awestruck. It was filled with equipment even stranger than the other room. 

   "What the heck is all this stuff?" said Billy Bob.

   Perky touched some piece of metal with lights on it. Cyril noticed it.

   "Don't touch!" he barked. She dropped it like it had teeth. A little drop of blood oozed out of it from a seam, and a low sighing sound was heard.

   Perky jumped back with a squeak.

   "It's...in a bad mood," said Cyril. When Billy Bob started to ask what it was, Cyril waved him off impatiently.

   "I need help to properly calibrate this thing." He pointed to a huge metal box, covered in flashing lights and levers. On the left side was a glass door.

   "So what do we do?" asked Billy Bob.

   "I want you to go over to that door and go inside. No, not you, the little one. She's the right size."

   Perky was innocent enough that she just saw it as a fun new thing to do, not a possibly fatal experiment by a small, scruffy man who was probably a mad scientist or maybe just an escaped lunatic. She went over and opened the glass door on the box.

   "Tell my friends I love them!" she said, unexpectedly ominous. She stepped inside and closed the door. 

   Cyril turned to Billy Bob. "I want you to go over there." He pointed at a smaller metal box that had only one large button on it in the middle. "When I say 'go!', you press that button. Don't delay! Hesitation is for losers!" He rubbed his hands together and cackled a little.

   "What I am going to do is, of course, the most important part," he continued. His eyes seemed to glow a bit. Billy Bob shuffled nervously. The overhead lights flickered.

   Cyril grabbed something from a table that looked like a steering wheel with buttons in the middle. He pressed one, then another, then looked at Billy Bob. "Time is of the essence!"

   "Why's that?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Well, you know those horrible creatures outside who wanted to eat you? Well, they do want to eat you. And me. All of us. I don't know if they're cannibals by birth, or whether they're just really hungry because this land is awful and nothing grows here. They've been trying to get inside this tower since I arrived, and even though the walls are really thick, when crazed flesh-eating monster people bang against it for a long time, the walls weaken. Let me tell you, it can be hard to conduct my experiments with that loud bang! bang! bang! sound going on. And the growling sounds, too. Bang! Growl! Ooh! Aah! It can drive a man mad, mad I say!" He stopped and looked at Billy Bob with a sly grin. "Not that I'm mad. I'm feeling much better now."

   He pressed a couple more buttons. 

   "Are you ready?" he asked. Billy Bob nodded.

   Cyril pressed one final button. The steering wheel made a loud PING! He pointed to Billy Bob. "Now!"

   Billy Bob pressed the big button. For a long, agonizing moment, nothing happened. Then all the lights on the big metal box lit up, all racing around each other in a crazy pattern. A bright green light lit up the small room Perky was in, clouding up the glass door in a thick mist. The large box started shaking and making a keening sound, like a turtle trying to sing opera. The lights in the room went off and on several times. Cyril fell to the floor, then got back up. He started yelling.

   "Yes, baby, yes! Finally!"

   All the sounds and lights suddenly stopped. An eerie silence boomed out. Cyril darted for the exit. Billy Bob went over to the glass door and let Perky out. She looked up at him.

   "What happened?"

   Billy Bob looked in the direction Cyril had gone. He scratched his cheek. "I don't rightly know. Maybe somethin', maybe nothin'. Guess we can go have a look see."

   They both followed Cyril, squeezing their way back to the main room. 

   He stood there, arms around his wife-thing. He let go and danced towards Billy Bob and Perky. "Whoohoo!"

   "Well? What happened?" asked Perky. She looked excited and scared at the same time.

   "I have no idea! Let's go look, shall we?" Cyril looked more ruffled than he usually did. He walked over to the door and put his ear to it. He stood there for a full minute, listening. Perky and Billy Bob didn't dare interrupt; they were paralyzed by doubt. Finally Cyril opened the door. He squinted, then stepped outside. There was no sound of him being torn to pieces. In fact, there was no sound at all except a low sound like wind. Perky and Billy Bob looked at each other. Perky took Billy Bob's hand and they walked out the door after Cyril.

    What they saw surprised them. Not a ravaged landscape inhabited by feral people. It was white. Bluish-white. Ice. It was a land of ice and snow, with what looked like a midnight sun. In the distance was what looked like a giant castle made of ice, with turrets and spires and many windows. Cyril was looking at it in awe.

   "W-what is it?" asked Perky, cold breath coming out of her mouth.

   "Hell if I know. Shit, it didn't work. All I know is that we're not in Kansas anymore."

   "Where's Kansas?" asked Billy Bob. 

   "Oh," said Cyril. "I guess you wouldn't know. It's a flat land where strange people grow tall plants. Sometimes tornadoes come along and blow it all down, and they start all over again. And again..."

   "Sounds scary," said Perky, rubbing her hands together. "Is this England?"

   "Not at all!" said Cyril. "Maybe England fifty thousand years ago. No, England is a green land, full of trees and rivers and polluted cities." He rubbed his hands together. "Boy howdy, it's cold! Before we go to that castle I'm going to put on some warmer clothing!" He walked briskly back into his tower. "There's some for you too, if you want it."

   When they were back inside, they saw a strange sight. OK, so all they ever saw was strange sights, but this was stranger. Cyril's wife, the mess of a heap, was glowing in a pale blue light. It crackled all over her, crawling around her body like snakes on speed. She stood there unmoving, either by choice or by force. Suddenly, she was covered in a cone of blue light, and they all covered their eyes. A loud sound like a burp was heard, and then nothing. They opened their eyes. The heap was gone, replaced by a woman with long dark hair and a look of surprise on her face. She seemed to have a small third eyebrow above her left eyebrow, but looked otherwise normal. 

   Cyril broke out in a smile. "Darling!" he shouted. "Welcome back!" He ran over and embraced her warmly.

   She continued to look surprised. 

   Cyril looked concerned. "Darling?" He looked into her eyes. Her mouth opened.

   "Beep," she said.

   "Hm, I was afraid of this. When she eventually returned from the zygosian dimensional interregnum like I knew she would, it would be a little disorienting. I only hope her brainwaves haven't been compromised." He frowned. 

   "What would happen then?" asked Billy Bob. 

   "She'd be left with a completely blank mind! I'd have to re-educate her from scratch, and I simply don't have the time. I'd have to leave her with others, and who can you trust in this day and age? Probably some seedy tutors who got their degrees from a back alley diploma gang! No, no, that won't do. Well," he sighed. "I guess I'll have to have her tag along and do what I can do."

   After they had all dressed in warmer clothing, they stepped outside to begin their journey to the ice castle. However, right outside was an odd being. It looked like a penguin, but pink and green instead of black and white. It shimmered and separated into two of them. 

   "Greetings!" said Penguin One. 

   "Follow us!" said Penguin Two. 

   When our gang looked hesitant, the penguins glowed and tendrils of light zapped out and stung them. 

   "The Emperor is waiting," they said in unison.

   Everybody started walking.

...to be continued.

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

       

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #11

    After they had gorged on the onion and badger anus sandwiches with insect husks (actually they were peanut butter and jellied eyes, which is a bit better, I suppose), they settled in to the journey. 

   They tried singing songs about boating, but all they knew was one about throwing rocks at people and laughing. They tried to adapt it to their situation, but nothing rhymes with "stupid asshole". Malarkey's wound had stopped bleeding, but for a couple hours he fancied he was turning into a skeleton. Snarky pointed out that everyone had a skeleton inside them, but Malarkey punched him on the arm. 

   Just when everyone was getting really bored and about to take a vote on who to cannibalize first, a bird came screaming out of the sky at them. Well, it wasn't really screaming. It was its birdcall, but one of those really annoying ones, like people who can't help talking at you with a loud screechy nasal voice. The bird, some sort of green and black one, landed on Tinky's head. 

   "Augh!" he screamed, and batted at the bird with his hands. The bird just calmly pecked at his fingers.

   "I say, old chap, would you kindly stop doing that? Most rude." The bird preened its feathers while everyone stared at it. It then flapped off Tinky's head and settled on the rim of the boat.

   "A talking bird?" gaped Stumpy, his flappy feet flapping nervously.

   "Yes, quite. Obviously. I say, are all of you doing all right?" said the bird.

   They kept staring.

   The bird continued. "You know, well-fed, happy, no serious injuries?"

   Malarkey looked at his leg. "Well..."

   "So nothing then. Good, good." The bird flapped its wings a bit. "Oh, how rude of me. Let me introduce myself. I am called Sir Wredrick Wrobley Wren-Wright. The third." He bowed.

   "Anyone got a match?" said Snarky. "I feel like having some fried chicken."

   Sir W flapped up out of reach of the ravening crowd. "Now, now! Let's not be hasty! After all, you've only been on the river for two days."

   "You try eating sticky eyeball sandwiches, see how you like it!" snarled Snarky.

   "I can tell you where to get some better food, if you'll stop grasping for my tender bits."

   "Oh yeah? Where? I don't see anything but water and distant trees as far as the eye can see!" said Malarkey. "This epic quest sucks."

   "Well, do any of you have any sort of weapon?" said Sir W.

   "Why---"started Stumpy.

   Before anyone could speak, a huge fish or some other monster burst from the water in front of them. It seemed to have too many fins and a ridiculous amount of teeth. Strangely, it only had one big eye, and that was topped with a bushy eyebrow. At the top of its arc, it bellowed something that was probably rude, but with a mouth full of water and jagged teeth, it was hard to tell.

   "Get it! Get it now!" yelled Sir W, who started firing small, thin knives at the beast. 

   Snarky and Tinky threw half-eaten sandwiches. 

   Sir W kept firing the knives at the fish. Where he stored them could not be explained here or even later, really. They just kept a-comin'. They hit the target over and over, sticky fish blood spurting out and forming a rainbow in the air. The creature bellowed in pain and thrashed its fins and rolled its one eye. The bird kept yelling battle cries as it fired knife after deadly slim knife. 

   After a minute of this, Sir W stopped. "Why aren't you chaps attacking? The beast is good eating!"

   "Well, uh," said Snarky. "First of all, the fish thing is just sort of hanging in the air without coming back to the water. Second it doesn't seem to be hurt at all. And third, where are you getting all those knives from?"

   "Yeah, this seems very suspicious," added Malarkey.

   The bird sighed. "Oh, all right. You got me, folks. It was all an elaborate scheme."

   "Scheme? For what?" asked Stumpy, flapping his feet.

   "A promotion for my new venture---Sir W's Fun Emporium! Thrills, chills, and spills! You're in constant danger of dying, but it's all just for fun! Almost nobody will actually die. What do you think?"

   "I think it sounds stupid. There are real monsters trying to really kill us," said Snarky. "Why would people pay you for that?"

   "Pay? Oh drat! I knew I forgot something," said the bird.

   The fish turned in the air. A small door popped open just above its eye and a small bird-like woman poked her head out. "What? I thought you said you'd have it all figured out! I thought you said this idea was what it would take to finally enable us to buy that cottage in the country!" She got back in the fish, which was actually some sort of flying vehicle, and turned the machine so it faced Sir W. Little motors revved. 

   "Dear," began the bird. He took one look at our crew, then flapped wildly away into the sky, chased by the deranged fish plane. They all watched until they became two small specks and then disappeared.

   "Well, does anyone know if we saw that or hallucinated it?" asked Stumpy.

   "Who cares," growled Snarky. "We need to find---wait, what are we doing on the river anyway? Your dad just shoved us in this boat without telling us where to go."

   "Uh, I dunno..."

   "Your father was just trying to get rid of us!" exploded Snarky.

   "This sucks," grumped Tinky. "I am not amused."

   There was no point in arguing. They all knew that. The day was sunny and hot, and water was wet, the river was wide, and nothing was seen on the shores except trees and the occasional boulder. The area was hilly, which led to them feeling more crowded in by the environment and their situation. They tried to pass the time by playing cards, but since they had no cards, they tried the honour system. Everybody was too grumpy to play fair, which caused arguments and a couple fist fights. Eventually everyone became exhausted and just lay back in the boat. End of day two.

   They all slept through the night. During the night, several flying creatures, too ugly to be called birds, flew around them and stared. When they left, swimming creatures who didn't normally live in the river but now thought it was probably wiser these days, swam up to the boat and also looked at the sleeping group. All of these animals stared very hard and muttered to themselves, and then left. 

   The first rays of hot rising sun hit the sleeping figures and one by one they reluctantly awoke. The river was still the river, the empty shores were still empty, and the boat was still slowly leaking. 

   "Hey! The boat's leaking! Did anybody else notice this?" said Snarky.

   Everyone else noticed that they were all wet. They quickly got up and started cupping handfuls of water and started bailing. It was no good. The boat had leaked steadily during the night and now was barely above water. They tried paddling towards shore, but half of them paddled one way, half the other, and then the paddles broke. 

   "Hey, I think these paddles were just made of bread!" said Malarkey.

   Small river turtles snapped up the soggy bread bits.

   "We're doomed!" cried Tinky. Nobody punched his arm because they were all thinking the same thing.

   Suddenly, a huge whale surfaced beside them. It was black and had red racing stripes. A whale with red racing stripes isn't a whale, it's a submarine.

   "Hey! This isn't a whale! It's a something breen," said Stumpy.

   Submarine!

   "Oh yeah, a submarine." He looked at the rest. "What's a submarine?"

   It was so close that Snarky leaned over and rapped on it. It made a loud metallic sound which echoed quietly inside it.

   A hatch opened on its head, and a figure appeared. It was probably a woman, but who knew in these times of mutations. It might have been a talking bumblebee. The figure spoke.

   "Hi! I'm Della Scaramouche. Get inside, quickly! I think you're going to sink in a couple minutes." She disappeared back inside.

   Tinky leaped out of the boat and onto the whale sub. "C'mon, guys. Let's go."

   Snarky and Malarkey looked at each other, shrugged, and followed. "Might as well."

   Stumpy looked fearful. "But what if she's evil and there are little land piranhas in there? I don't wanna get eaten!"

   Snarky looked back before he got in the sub. "Well, you will die if you stay in the leaky boat. You only might die if you get in here. Your choice."

   Well, that's no choice at all, and Stumpy knew it, but he didn't want to get left behind. Besides, river piranhas are much more dangerous. Land piranhas didn't have very sharp teeth, so it took a lot longer to chew you to death, and while they were doing it, you had time to find a large object to bludgeon it with. 

   When Stumpy had descended into the submarine, he saw all his travelling companions gathered around in a cluster. In front of them was Della and she had two friends. Neither of them looked friendly, in fact, they looked pretty evil. 

   "I knew it!" yelled Stumpy. "Land piranhas or something worse!"

   "Hey, calm down, guy," said Malarkey. "They're not evil. They just have resting evil face."

   They two large men beside Della burst into smiles. "Welcome!"

   Della spoke. "Well, we'll get you all fed and watered and all that, but we don't have much time. Things are afoot, and we have to get out of this river. It may seem tranquil and even a little boring, but it's full of danger. You didn't know this because you were all asleep, but in the night your enemies were checking you out. We don't think they meant to harm you then, but if you were still on the river another night, who knows."

   "What's this all about?" asked Snarky. "We've been roaming through the land at random, and people keep suggesting there's more to know, but nobody will tell us."

   "All in good time," assured Della. "There is much to tell." She started walking down the corridor. "But first you should get some food and rest."

   She stopped in front of a door. "Here are your quarters. We'll come get you after you wash up. This isn't your ordinary submarine---"

   "I still don't know what one is," said Stumpy grumpily.

   "---and you'll find it relatively luxurious."

   They all filed into the room, which was surprisingly big and elegantly decorated in a nautical theme. 

   "See you soon," said Della, and closed the door.

   Which made a loud click as it shut.

   Malarkey went over and checked the handle.

   "Hey, guys. I think she locked us in."

...to be continued.

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

    

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #11

    The screaming stopped suddenly as Perky and Billy Bob landed on all the people. Well, almost landed. Another burst of energy from the tower zapped them and they sort of bounced sideways, landing on a heap of dirty clothes. The heap made a loud sound. 

   "Ow!"

   "I didn't know dirty clothing could talk," said Perky. "Neat!"

   "Ah, maybe if it's some sort a magic clothing, like the kind I used ta wear back when I was a kid," replied Billy Bob.

   Perky looked at him, then at all the people surrounding them, who had at first run away when the carpet was coming in for a crash landing, then had wandered back to see what was going on. Some didn't come back, they continued to gather round the shiny tower and stare up at it, expecting something to happen but not knowing what exactly, or when, or if it was fattening.

   "B-Billy B-Bob, who are these people?" she shivered.

   Just as Billy Bob was going to give her a wise answer, probably, the heap of dirty clothes said "ow!" again and began to move. It moved only a little at first, then more violently. Billy Bob and Perky shook and shimmied, then fell off the carpet onto the soiled ground. Yes, ground is by definition made of soil, but this ground was somehow dirtier than regular dirt. It was the dirty dirt made by generations of people who were gathered around some fantastic object they couldn't manage to break away from, and they cared not a whit for unnecessary activities like hygiene. They ate, did their business, slept, and stared up at the shiny silver tower that sometimes spat forth bursts of wild energy. And they did all of this on one piece of ground. Year after year, standing on layers of their ancestors. Just to make it clear, the stench was incredible. Perky and Billy Bob had been so startled by their almost crash and almost violent death that they hadn't quite registered it at first, but now they did, and they did not like it. 

   "Pee-yoo!" cried Perky. She gathered part of her clothing and pulled it over her face. 

   From under the heap of dirty clothes crawled something that might possibly have been a person, but was now so dirty and rumpled it looked like something a cat puked up and which had somehow learned to talk.

   It stared at our duo and started jumping up and down in a fury.

   "Youuuu homewreckers! You nasty flaccid waxy plastic bags of I-don't-know-what! You come down here like rancid angels with personality defects and wreck my home, my bee-yoo-ti-ful home! I'll make you pay! I'll get youuuu for this!" It had a gravelly voice and spittle flew out of its mouth in almost beautiful arcs of glittering lace made of saliva. It ran over to Billy Bob and started punching him. 

   "Jesus fuck!" yelled Billy Bob. "Quit hammering on my knee, you little bastard!"

   The angry ball of fury was also very short. I mean, like, seriously diminutive. Not in a microscopic way, no, that would be ridiculous, but just short enough to be comical, like a good rest for your drink.

   Meanwhile, all the creepy people surrounding them began to laugh, but since they probably hadn't laughed in about 307 years, it came out more like a creaky door, or a bent, rusty kettle on half steam. 

   "What are youuuu looking at? Once I get my reeevenge on these sky jerks, I'm-a gonna git alla you! You nerds, you clumps, you clots, you roont my beautiful tower!" spittled the angry ball.

   The crowd just hummed slowly.

   "Who," began Billy Bob, "in the seven hells of tarnation are you?"

   The little guy just stared, his mouth open. "Who am I? Who am I? Whoooo are youuuu?"

   Perky jumped up from the ground. "I'm Perky Buttercup! I have come from a long way away, I have seen a lot of creepy and mean people, and I miss my home and my friends and can't wait to get back to them."

   Billy Bob said, "And I am Billy Bob Swamp Abompbompbomp. I met her a little while back, and I aim to help her get back home."

   The angry ball stared some more, then said in a quiet, reasonable voice, "Oh right then. I'm called Cyril Sidgery. Once upon a time I lived in a place called Saham Toney. It's near Great Hockham."

   Perky and Billy Bob looked blank.

   "You know, in England?"

   Still blank.

   "You've never heard of England?" Head shakes. "Then where in blazes am I?"

   "Well, near as I can figure, in the middle of nowhere, at the foot of a mysterious metal tower that shoots out fingers of energy. And the people of this town are so hypnotized by it, they stand around staring at it until they drop dead," said Billy Bob.

   "Did you see a weird light in the east?" asked Perky.

   "Now that you mention it, yes, I did. I was working on a new kind of energy transmitter, and it started to act up just after there was a weird light in the east. The ground began to shake, even though there's never any earthquakes in England, and my tower emitted a huge burst of light. I was knocked out, and I woke up here. I have no idea how long I was out." Cyril looked a little disturbed.

   "Well, these people, and all the dead bodies, look like they've been here a long time, but then again, since that weird light in the east, things have been mighty strange hereabouts." Billy Bob stroked his chin. "I wonder if your tower and the light are connected? I wonder if time has been distorted so that what might be three hundred years here are only three hundred minutes back in Ankleland."

   "England. Not 'Ankleland'". 

   "Well, I've never been there, so I'll have to take your word for it."

   Just then Perky noticed that more and more people were turning away from the tower and towards our little group. The people were very skinny and pale, and looked like they only ate when absolutely necessary, and that that time was now. Their hollow eyes sunk further into their faces, their lips pulled back to reveal yellow, cracked teeth that in some cases had turned into sharp, black splinters, and their skeletal fingers extended out, tipped with dangerous looking fingernails. They shuffled closer.

   "Good lord!" exclaimed Cyril. "Quick, follow me!"

   He ran around the side of the tower, Billy Bob and Perky close behind. Cyril pulled out a small box from his dirty folds, and pointed it at the smooth metal wall. A door which had been totally invisible was now visible, sliding into the structure. They all tumbled in and fell to the floor. Cyril pointed the box at the doorway and it shut quickly. The faint thud of angry, hungry bodies hitting the metal wall outside made them all shiver. It was very dark inside. Cyril clapped his hands and they were flooded with light.

   "This," he said, getting up and waving his arm, "is my laboratory. You see, despite what I may look like, I am in actual fact, an inventor!" He beamed triumphantly.

   The other two had no idea what any of the stuff was in the room, so they just stared blankly. Cyril noticed their lack of enthusiasm, so he began speaking rapidly.

   "Er, uh, well, you see, it mostly has to do with the efficient transmission of an endless, cheap supply of energy. There's some stuff over there that has to do with making square bread, but ignore that. My main goal in life is to make energy enough for everybody!"

   "For what reason?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Well, so they can use their devices and machines and never run out of energy! No more dirty oil or coal, or dangerous nuclear energy!"

   "What sort of devices would that be?" Billy Bob asked evenly.

   "You know, lights and washing machines and phones and cars and tellies and big neon billboards and all that sort of thing."

   "I don't think we have any of that here."

   "You don't----then how do things work?"

   Perky spoke up. "They just do! Like these---" she pulled a long string that glowed from a pocket and waved it around so that it created traces in the air. "Isn't it fun?"

   "Remarkable," muttered Cyril. "So you have things that you've made and they just...work?"

   "Sure nuff," said Billy Bob. "Seems like a lot a hassle, tryin' to invent things and expendin' all that energy to create more energy. We just make things and they go. Mostly people here are pretty simple. Yeah, you got some evil overlords ever so often here'n'there who want big fancy things, like havin' their names in lights a hundred feet high in the sky, but after a few years they see how people don't care much for it, and they tend to pack up in the night and go away somewhere else." He thought for a moment. "You know, maybe it's the same one or two who just keep movin' around. Huh."

   "Well, where I'm from, people want a lot of fancy, shiny things that whir and beep and make lights and talk to you," said Cyril.

   "Whoa!" piped up Perky. "That sounds like a bowl of fun! Can you make these things say funny things? Can they be your new best friend?" She jumped up and down.

   "Well, I suppose so, with some of the new..." Cyril trailed off as a loud moaning sound echoed through the room.

   As one, all three looked behind them. That's never good, you know. Loud moaning sounds coming from behind you when you never even knew there was anyone---or anything---there. In fact, none of them should have looked behind them at all. It would have saved them quite a lot of horror, although on the other hand, it would have shortened their lives by quite a wide margin. But look they did. And this is what they saw.

   Imagine a human being that has been dead for a while, but then the death part was dialed back a bit so that it looked sort of alive, but still sort of ill. Various parts didn't quite change back the same, so it looked wonky. Now imagine that while all of this horror was happening, that a cat leaped on the person and was included in the process. So now you had two badly constructed, half-dead things all mushed together. And of course it couldn't walk properly, but it could shuffle fairly fast. I suppose all the moaning could have been the thing trying to say,"Hey! Don't be afraid! It's just me!" But of course your animal mind was just freaking out and looking for a tree to climb, but not finding any, you just ran around in circles. Perky ran around in circles, and Billy Bob tried climbing the walls but only found shelves that he pulled down. 

   Cyril had a different reaction. After a brief but unmistakable jolt of surprise, he looked calmly at the shuffling horror and said three words.

   "Oh, hello dear."

...to be continued.

   

   

   

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #10

   "So," said Mayor Rumpy. "What have you been up to?" He looked at Stumpy with a smile. He spread his arms around his house. He bobbed his head. He put a finger up to his ear, hesitated, then dropped the finger.
   Everyone stood around silently in the silence. Even the dust hugged the walls.
   "Well," started Stumpy.
   Tinky spoke up. "What a cool place you have here! It's all yours? And you're the mayor, too? Is that your wife? Why does she look like that?" He would have gone on, but Malarkey elbowed him so hard he fell over.
   "Actually, dad, we're passing through. I had no idea this village was here, or that I had any family at all. But things are starting to come back to me...It's like my memory was suppressed." He looked at his feet. "Normal feet. For me, anyway."
   "Well, you are home, son," piped up his mother, called Zumpy. "We were wondering when you'd come back." She beamed, but her husband's eyes looked a little jumpy.
   "Er, son, the memory loss was partially my fault. Y'see, after that strange light appeared in the eastern sky....well, actually it was before that. The light just made the plans go faster."
   Stumpy looked at his father. "Plans? What plans?"
   Mother and father looked at each other.
   "Well, y'see, we kinda knew something was going to happen to make the world go bonkers. We didn't know exactly what, just that something was going to happen. We had to prepare you. Of all the people in our village, you were the only one with the ability to deal with all this," said his pop.
   "Because I am naturally intelligent, gifted, and handsome?" replied Stumpy. Snarky guffawed a little. Stumpy stepped on his foot. Snarky cried out in pain, whirled around, bumped into Malarkey, who fell on Tinky, who was pressed into the dirt floor. The dirt was only a thin layer above some even thinner wood, and he fell through that into a small basement. Three glowing skeletons were playing cards at a rickety table. They looked at him. He backed away. They beckoned. He joined them as a fourth.
   "Well, uh, yeah, that, but also because of your ability to...how shall I put it...look before you leap? We needed someone who would run towards danger without really knowing there was danger ahead." The Mayor looked a little sheepish.
   Snarky perked up. "He said you're an idjit!"
   "No no no!" cried Zumpy. "He's brave, courageous, fearless!"
   "And just a little dumb," added the Mayor.
   Stumpy didn't even look mad. "Hey, it's all right. I know I'm not Albert Eyeslide. You really thought I was the best for the job?" He looked pleased.
   "But wait," he said, looking thoughtful, lower lip pushed out. "Why would you give me this fantastic mission, but not tell me what it was or that I was doing it?"
   Snarky piped up again. "Because they thought you'd mess it up, dorkosaurus!"
   "We didn't," began Snarky's father, pulling himself up to his full short,"want him to be distracted by needless worries! Anyway, his full memory would have come back when he was close enough to his goal."
   "But how would you know when that was?" asked Stumpy. "Since the light and all the weirdness that's happened since, everyone's been wandering around, not knowing what's going on, afraid that some weird monster was going to get them. We've just been headed toward the east because we have nothing better to do."
   "And that's how most grand quests and adventures usually start. People randomly wandering around getting into trouble, and then having to get out of trouble." The Mayor looked pleased. He'd have to add that to his book of pithy sayings. He read from it every week to the people of the village. They seemed to enjoy it, except for the skeletons. Scrawny bastards were hard to impress.
   "So you really come from a family that has no idea about anything, huh?" Snarky chuckled.
   "Shut up!" yelled Stumpy. He jumped Snarky and began pummelling him. "I am a hero on a quest! You can suck dirty ditchwater!"
   Snarky threw Stumpy off, who landed in the corner. "Calm down, circus clown! I didn't say it wasn't cool."
   Stumpy's mother rustled in. "All of you must be hungry. Let me see what we have to eat."
   The plucky troupe was a little bedraggled. Dust covered them all, and their clothes had seen better days.
   In less time than you'd think, they were all seated at the table, eating and drinking. The food was plain and smelled weird, but it kept the people of the village alive. The drink was some sort of weak liquor that didn't get you drunk, but it made you think you were. The house was simple but spacious, with a main room for living, a kitchen, and a bedroom at the back. There was no bathroom; people just filled the empty houses with their effluent. That was another reason people didn't occupy the unoccupied houses. Of course, maybe people thought they were haunted because they smelled so awful. Who knows? People with feet that big can't have big brains, or so they said at the neighbouring village, but those people had funny little short arms and were frustrated by the simplest of activities, like tying their shoes, or wiping their asses. Talk about a smelly village.
   As they were finishing eating, and telling stories about their journey, Tinky wandered up from the basement.
   "Where the hell were you?" asked Snarky, chewing on something that was probably a leg but he wasn't sure.
   "I was playing poker with the skeletons in the basement. I lost a lot of money. Talk about poker faces!"
   "You have money?" said Malarkey. "You've been holding out?"
   "Of course I don't have any money. They're skeletons. I handed them playing cards and told them it was money."
   Everyone laughed and laughed. The skeletons marched past and stared at everyone. One by one they pointed a bony finger and nodded. It sounded like a symphony of poorly-tuned pianos. The skeletons were swearing revenge on their enemies, but the people didn't know that. It didn't really matter, because skeletons have terrible memories, due partly to not having meaty brain tissue, but also because they got high a lot.
   "So, Mayor dad, what do we do now? Is the quest still on?" asked Stumpy, flapping his feet in the way all the people in the village did after a big meal.
   "Of course! It's even more vital than it was yesterday, which was more vital than the day before that....well, you get the idea."
   "Are you going to outfit us with supplies and weapons?" Stumpy looked hopeful.
   "Well, not exactly. We are a poor village, as you can see. We barely have enough for ourselves. And while it's been a real bowl of oranges to see you, we didn't expect you to come this way. We thought you'd go the northern route. Fewer monsters that way." Mayor Rumpy looked pleased for some reason.
   "Fewer monsters? There are monsters everywhere!" said Snarky.
   "Yes, well, I guess they're a little more polite about chewing your raw guts. I don't know. I'm just the mayor!"
   Stumpy's mother Zumpy spoke. "Your father didn't want to mention it, but I think he was hoping you'd avoid our village because of what happened when you left."
   The mayor looked at his feet.
   "What happened when I left?" asked Stumpy. "Mother? Father?"
   "Well," continued Zumpy. "You remember that girl Clumpy Flapdroop? The one that was dating that skeleton hoodlum? At the big midsummer bonfire, you got drunk on mouse wine and started coming on to her. She was even drunker than you on dirt and tonic, and when her bonefriend found you, he started attacking you. You both fought up and down the village square, until you both fell in the river. You know how the skels hate the river---it causes them to fall apart. Well, your father had to think quick. He drugged you to make you lose your memory temporarily, then snuck you out in the middle of the night. The skeletons vowed revenge. The next morning they totally forgot about it, of course, but for a few hours it was pretty scary. Lots of blood and teeth."
   "Wow, that's a pretty great story! But why should that be a problem now? The skeletons won't have remembered."
   His father opened his mouth. "No, son, but Clumpy does. She was really mad. She was in love with that skeleton, and she's sure to get news that you're back. She's always been a bit short-tempered, when she's not high on bone dust, so who knows what might happen. You'd better get out while the gettin's good. We can give you a boat and a little food."
   All of a sudden, there were loud noises outside, as if a short angry high woman and a gang of riled up skeletons were anxious to kill someone. OK, so there were only ten skeletons (the rest were playing poker), but friend, if you've ever gotten into a fight with a skeleton, you know it's bad voodoo. There's no soft flesh to hit, only bone, and you go try punching bones one day and see how you like it, smart aleck. Anyway, they had a job to do. Remember the strange light in the eastern sky? All the weird stuff that happened after that didn't just disappear! Jeez, some people.
   "No time for chitchat!" yelled the mayor. He shoved all the supplies and food at our gang, and told them to head for the river. "The boat's hidden under some dead skeletons on the riverbank."
   "How can you tell a skeleton's dead?" asked Tinky, looking a little nervous.
   "It's not biting your head off!" yelled Stumpy and his parents at the same time.
   The loud crowd noises got louder and crowdier, so they all took off by the back door, which was really just a hole in the wall covered with an old sheet. As they ran to the river, they sang rousing escape songs, such as "If I Don't Escape, Don't Bother Throwing Me A Surprise Birthday Party", and "One Gun, Three Knives, and I Dropped Them A While Back". A few skeletons spotted them running, and gave chase. The clattering sound the bones made when running caused Malarkey to start laughing, so Snarky punched him on the arm.
   One skeleton jumped on Stumpy's back, but he turned around and with a mighty kick of his ridiculous feet, sent it flying. Clumpy started screaming at the skeletons to get that evil, beautiful Stumpy, which sends out mixed messages if you ask me. The skeletons tried their hardest, but let's face it, they're disorganized at heart. Our collection of unlikely adventurers made it to the river without much fuss. I mean, come on. Skeletons? Sure, they look creepy, but they have no strength.
   They all scrambled into the boat, which was surprisingly roomy but unsurprisingly crappy, and shoved off. Clumpy jumped up and down among her fallen skeleton companions, screaming at Stumpy that she hated him but also would he write?
   "Man, that's one messed up dame," observed Malarkey.
   "Man, that's one messed up village," said Snarky.
   "Oh, how I've missed it," said Stumpy mistily.
   "I miss nothing," said Tinky Dingbat. "I'm tough."
   Snarky threw a small blanket over Tinky.
   They had been floating down the river for a few minutes, when Malarkey poked under some more blankets. "Hey, what did your parents give us, Stumpy? Any good stuff?"
   "How should I know," he said.
   Suddenly, from under the blankets a bony arm shot out, and pierced Malarkey in the leg with a sharp finger. It was a skeleton, hidden under some worn out blankets. It straightened up, eyes glowing a weird red. A cold wind whipped up on the river. Its mouth opened.
   "You...will...all...die..." Its voice was unearthly and a little dry. With a cackle, it jumped overboard and swam to the shore.
   "Holy shit!" everyone yelled.
   Stumpy looked scared. "I've never heard a skeleton talk. Or seen one able to survive in the river."
   Tinky looked up with big eyes. "What do you think it means? Will we all die?"
   The boat continued floating down the river. The cold wind had disappeared. The river was wide and long. Trees and mountains dotted the distance.
   "Well, I might!" cried Malarkey. "That skeleton cut me." He pointed to his leg, where a little blood was seeping out.
   "Toughen up, man," said his brother Snarky. "You'll be fine."
   "Yeah, but my pants are ruined!"
   Stumpy spoke to the rest of them. "Hey, folks. We might have a bigger problem."
   "What's that?" said Snarky.
   Stumpy held up a sack. "I looked at the food."
   Everyone stared at him, waiting for him to finish. Stumpy's mouth opened.
   "Onion and badger anus sandwiches with insect husks."


...to be continued.
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #10

   Perky and Billy Bob burst out of the big green baby's porky bottom and tumbled down the side of a mountain. It was covered in rocks and was on a gentle slope, but still, falling down a mountain isn't pleasant unless you like that kind of thing, which they definitely didn't. As they bounced, small rocks bounced with them, covering them with a spray. With alarm, they saw a very large boulder up ahead, but before they could try to avoid it, they hit it. Imagine their surprise when instead of splatting against it like bags of hospital waste, they made a soft poof! sound and came to a halt.
   Perky's eyes opened wide. "Why aren't we dead?"
   Billy Bob sat up and touched the boulder. He rubbed it thoughtfully with his fingers. He made little sounds. "Seems like it's a velvet boulder. Very rare. I only ever encountered one before, when I was a young man. It was in a brothel....er, I'll save that story for later."
   He got up and walked around the boulder. He stared for a moment, then picked up something and showed it to Perky.
   "A carpet?" she said.
   "A magic carpet," replied Billy Bob. "Well, this is both convenient and very unlikely." His left eyebrow went up a notch.
   "But it has a steering wheel," said Perky.
   "A helm," said Billy Bob. "Well, this makes our journey much easier." He looked back up the hill.
   Perky did, too. "That big green baby's bottom is sticking out of the mountainside! It must get cold at night."
   "I don't think it's aware of the same things we mundane mortals get bothered by. Well, time's a-wastin'. Hop on and we'll take off."
   Since they had no luggage, they got on the carpet very fast, although Perky had to step around another boulder (not velvet; she checked) to answer nature's call.
   Once they got on, Billy Bob tilted the helm up and they rose. Once they were a good height above the ground, he turned to the east and continued their trek. The mountain slope ended shortly and then they were above a long and wide valley. A river snaked its way through it, and everywhere was greenery. They could see some farms, but they didn't look right. All brown and jumbled looking, as if a tornado had destroyed only the farms. They passed a bird in flight, which looked offended that they were flying without any wings and flew off in a huff.
   The daylight glinted off the river, and they saw what looked like boats, but boats that were barely above water. Perky pointed.
   "Hey! That looks like a village! We should stop there and ask for directions!"
   Billy Bob shook his head. "Nope. That would not be a good idea. Most of the people who live there are skeletons, and the rest just lay around and do drugs. And not even the good ones---just the ones that make you annoying. Also, the people who live there have weird-lookin' feet. They give me the creeps."
   Perky looked disappointed. "Well, what's the name of the village? Huh?"
   "Pleng!" gasped Billy Bob.
   "Pleng? That's the name of the village?"
   Billy Bob coughed. "Ah, no, sorry, I had something in my throat. Nobody remembers what its name is. Most people don't even care anyway."
   "That's sad," said Perky, looking sad. A single glittery teardrop ran down her cheek, and then the wind snatched it and whipped it away at an incredibly fast speed. It flew through the air until it caught up with the haughty bird and smacked it on its feathery ass. It gave a loud squawk and dropped what I assume was an egg. I assume it was an egg because what happened next would have been a lot grosser if it was something else. The "egg" fell straight down and hit someone on the head. This someone, probably a man but possibly a walking stack of sticks, stopped walking and looked up. Then he wiped the "egg" off his face, tasted it, spat it out, then fell onto the grass at the side of the road and started rolling around. Another man/stack of sticks who had been following a few paces behind saw all this and darted forward.
   "Are you OK? Zood! Are you OK?" He started kicking the one on the ground, called Zood, who grunted in pain and grabbed at his travelling companion's legs.
   "Vozz! What the dirty plate? Stop kicking me!" Zood tripped Vozz, and now they were both on the ground.
   "What for did you fall over?" asked Vozz.
   "A egg hit me on the head! Well, maybe it a egg, maybe something else. I taste, it don't taste so good." Zood looked grumpy.
   Vozz stuck a finger on the mess on Zood's head and tasted it himself. "Haha! You ain't no big stone! This no egg, it's....it's...well, something else that come out of a bird ass." He giggled.
   Zood looked angry. "Like what? Like a worm? Like a arm of someone I don't like?"
   Vozz laughed even harder. "No! No!"
   Zood punched Vozz on the head. "Tell me!"
   "Like shit! Shit!"
   Zood looked at Vozz strangely. "Tell me, Vozz. If it shit, then what about the pieces of shell? Huh?"
   Vozz stopped laughing. "What you mean?"
   Zood showed him. "Look, see, there is pieces of shell in all this mess."
   They both looked closely at it. They touched it. They smelled it. They tasted it again.
   "I think I know," said Vozz.
   "What? Tell me!"
   Vozz paused a moment to look important. "I think a bird, or someone strange who live in the air, squeezed out a egg, but the egg....is filled with shit!" He smiled triumphantly.
   Zood looked a little hurt. "But why would someone do that? Drop a shit egg on me? I just walk like you just walk, to village of Pleng or whatever, to ask for maybe food or maybe some wax. Why someone drop a shit egg on me? What the matter with them?"
   Vozz looked thoughtful. "Maybe you offend someone. Someone who fly in the air."
   "I don't know anyone who fly in air! Except bird, but I eat bird! If I eat bird, then nobody to get offended! Problem solved." Zood looked even grumpier.
   "Well, then, Zood, my friend, I don't know why someone drop a shit egg on you. Maybe it just one of those days. Maybe tomorrow someone drop some wax or food on you. Then we don't have to go to no dumb village where the dumb skeletons smoke cigars."
   Zood shook his head. Something caught his eye. He looked up at the mountain and saw something astonishing. He grabbed Vozz's arm and pointed. "Look! Up on mountainside! It look like big green baby bottom! You know what that mean..."
   They looked at each other craftily, then spoke at the same time.
   "Free wax, and screw the limits!"
   They both got up and scrambled up the side of the mountain.
   Meanwhile, back on the flying carpet...
   "Why can't we visit the village again?" asked Perky. "I'm hungry!"
   Billy Bob reached under the carpet and pulled out a bag. "Here, have some of this."
   Perky looked at the bag. "What's in here?"
   "Well, there's a good chance there's some food."
   "What if there's no food in it?" she asked.
   "Well, then, there's a good chance it's a poisonous spider with huge fangs."
   Perky screamed. "I hate spiders! I don't wanna look inside!"
   "Relax, kid, it's probably food. The last time there was a spider instead of food was eight years ago. And the guy who got bit didn't die. At least not right away."
   Perky looked horrified.
   Billy Bob grinned. "Ah, he had the croup and was gonna die anyhow." He opened the bag.
   "Mm! Pastrami and swiss on rye. My favourite. Here, have one. There's plenty." He handed one to Perky.
   As they ate their sandwiches, the carpet flew over the village and the fields beyond. After looking at a lot of quite frankly pathetic land, they flew over another village. It was a lot bigger than the last one, but still kind of rundown. The streets were crooked and didn't seem to run anywhere useful, but there was a tall tower made of some shiny silver metal, right in the middle of the village. On second thought, all the streets led to the tower, and they could see a lot of people gathered around it. Suddenly, from the tippy top of the tower, a wild hairy burst of electricity spouted. The people, who looked like ants but were just ugly, made a loud OOH sound.
   "What's that?" asked Perky excitedly. "Can we stop there? That looks fun!"
   Billy Bob frowned. "It may look like fun, but have you noticed that village? Nobody does anything. It would be abandoned, except all the people are there, gathered around that tower. In fact, look what they're standing on---the corpses of their neighbours! That's a death trap, is what it is." He steered the carpet away from the village, but almost immediately, another burst of energy exploded from the tower, but this time, a tentacle of it shot straight for the carpet.
   The carpet shook, and they were bathed in an eerie glow as their bodies spasmed. Billy Bob lost grasp of the helm, and it spun wildly. The carpet stopped flying forward, and plummeted down, down...
   They were going to crash onto the masses of people gathered around the tower. Perky and Billy Bob screamed as they fell, and the little ugly people in the village looked up and screamed as well. The sound of the screams combined with another violent burst of energy from the tower. The sky lit up a spooky red colour.
   All seemed lost.


...to be continued.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #9

   Snarky, Malarkey, Stumpy, and Tinky fell off the cliff into the cool air, the sunset cobwebbing its spindly red and orange fingers across their terrified faces. At first they didn't even yell or scream because all of their breaths were stolen by fear. They fell for what seemed like ages, but was really only about five seconds before they fell into some prickly bushes on a ledge just below the one they were on. The relief they felt was replaced by pain as they tried to escape from the bushes, and then they felt fear again as the ledge, thin and ancient, gave way and they once again plummeted to their certain doom. This time they fell a lot longer. A vulture that was flying after a mouse that had also fallen was distracted by our quartet and made a violent U-turn after new, juicier prey, but then realized they were falling far too fast for it to catch. It then turned back to the mouse, but the frightened mouse realized it was a bat, spread its wings and flew back to its cave where it was attacked by some mutant caterpillars with fangs and knives, which caused it to fly in fright back out of the cave where it was noticed by the hungry vulture, which chased it and so on.
   "Those are some dumb animals," said Stumpy.
   "What was that?" asked Tinky.
   "I mean---AUGHHH!" replied Stumpy.
   For some reason Snarky and Malarkey discovered they had a deck of cards between them, so they played 52 Pickup.
   "You get it!", "No, you get it!"
   "Wait a second," said Snarky. "We should be a lot more scared of falling to our certain doom."
   Malarkey sniffed the air. "Ah, we should, but I realized we're in the Apathy Crack. A certain kind of gas is released by the volcanic rocks, and it drugs you. We should be screaming ourselves hoarse."
   "So, when we land with a giant splat, we might do it with a smile on our faces?" said Snarky.
   "Well, most probably."
   They decided to just go with the flow and see what happened. The mountains and valley were spectacularly beautiful. The rock was a sort of brownish red with gold flecks, and the sides were very smooth with occasional ledges sticking out. Sometimes an intrepid plant clung to the side and managed to succeed at living there, feasting on droplets of water that sprayed randomly during storms. The valley below was bisected by a sparkling blue river, surrounded by lush green fields. Small boats floated down the river, and off in the distance was a small village of many colours.
   "Hey, brother, do you think we might fall into the river and survive?" asked Snarky. His normally grumpy demeanour was softened by the gas drug.
   "Possibly, if we aren't cracked in half by surface tension. The river isn't that deep for the most part, although there are some deep pools. You know, we might get out of this after all. On the other hand, we might die, too." Malarkey stared into the distance for a while, then scratched his leg.
   Tinky and Stumpy had managed to grab each other and held on for dear life. Their natural fear wasn't tempered very much by the gas drug. They mostly held on so they didn't get lost.
   The ground got closer and closer. A few people on the ground, farmers and boaters, looked up and their eyes and mouths got wider as they saw the foursome fall ever closer. Our group saw the people on the ground and since the gas drug had worn off right at that very moment, their mouths also opened wide but loud, panicky screams came out. Just as it seemed that all these fine, fine people would meet in a less than ideal way pretty soon, they just stopped.
   Tinky, Malarkey, Snarky and Stumpy were suspended just above the ground, and the ground people, seeing that nothing bad was going to happen, went back to what they were doing, which was stumbling around high on drugs.
   Once they were on the ground safely, our gang decided to walk to the village and see if they could get some food, lodging and a car of some sort, maybe a van with flames on it, or a pickup truck with mag wheels. The villagers just gazed at them in a haze and said, "Sup?"
   The dirt road leading to the village wound its way through the fields, which had some crops growing in them, but mostly just marijuana and coca plants. Occasionally they saw a rotting wooden cart or a skeleton covered in rags by the roadside, but there weren't very many people. The ones they did see seemed high or apathetic, or sometimes a little sad, and once they saw three people playing tiddly winks, but basically it was a whole lot of nothing.
   After they had trudged for a bit, sweaty and dusty, hungry and thirsty, Snarky noticed something.
   "Hey, Stumpy," he said. "All of these people have huge feet, just like you."
   And he was right. The people were short, and they all had very long feet. They also had funny-looking noses, too, but that's not important.
   Stumpy stared at them. He had never seen anyone with feet like his before. He just thought he was a freak, and after many years of drug abuse and therapy, had come to accept it. Now he realized he was some sort of crazy orphan. He ran up to Snarky and punched him in the arm.
   "Ow! What the hell?" yelled Snarky.
   "That's for making fun of me all these years! I'm not a freak! I'm a crazy orphan!"
   Snarky rubbed his arm. "Just because there's a whole village of clown-footed people, doesn't make you any less of a freak, man. In fact, it just magnifies your freakiness. Now I have way more people to make fun of, and because of your bizarre boats, none of you can catch me." He laughed and ran away. Stumpy tried to follow, but his long feet flapped like broken wings, and he just yelled in frustration.
   One of the villagers who wasn't as high as the rest looked at Stumpy and smiled.
   "Hey, dude! You're normal, like us!" He pointed to his feet. "Who're your baby feet friends?"
   "Just some jerks," replied Stumpy, frowning.
   "My name is Humpy Rutabaga. What's yours?"
   "Stumpy Cucamonga."
   "Oh wow! I wonder if you're related to Rumpy Cucamonga. He's the mayor of Pleng."
   "What's Pleng?" asked Stumpy.
   "Pleng is what we call our village. Well, it used to have another name, but then we forgot what it was. The mayor tried to remember for a whole week, and then he fell off a barrel and said 'Pleng' and that's what we call it. Some people wanted to call it Rocket Frog, but that was just an advertising ploy."
   "Well, maybe we should meet your mayor," said Snarky. "We have a lot of things to discuss, like food, water, lodgings..."
   "Oh, that shouldn't be any problem. We got all that stuff. Nobody really comes through here anymore, except if they fall from the mountains, but usually they die in the river." Humpy smiled and pushed his floppy yellow hat back. He turned his head to the left and stared at a skeleton. "Hey, quit slacking off and get back to work!" Then he smiled again and wandered off.
   Our band resumed walking to the village. They passed several people who had draped a skeleton around their shoulders and were laughing maniacally. Most people were smoking pipes that had pungent red smoke coming out of them. They would inhale deeply, and then laugh or cry, and then some would drop to the ground or run off across the fields. Occasionally one would run through the fields, waving their hands, and then fall into the river, where they'd float downstream until the next village. The people of the other villages just pushed them back into the river so they could keep floating, far away from them. Sometimes a few would keep floating for weeks and reach the sea. At that point, mermaids with three eyes would attack and eat them.
   The road wandered this way and that. Strange plants grew there. Some had long stalks with blue and red bulbs on top, some grew across the ground in mats, crossing each other to look like waffles. Pink trees grew, very wide but very short, as if they had been squashed. Nothing grew on the road, partly because of the traffic, but partly because they were afraid to cross the road. They had heard rumours about what happened to the chicken.
   The road was crooked but eventually got to the village. The village gate had fallen down long ago, to be replaced by an old sheet that someone had scrawled 'PLENG' on. It flapped in the breeze as they passed through.
   The village itself was best described as ramshackle. About two hundred people lived there. Some houses were empty, but nobody wanted to get some extra space for themselves, for fear it was haunted. Not all believed in ghosts, but everyone was afraid of the skeletons that lay everywhere, common as weeds.
   Malarkey had heard of this place, but only vaguely. It had had another name, long ago, but nobody remembered what. They all looked at the people lazing around, and the skeletons sitting on chairs with amusing hats on their skulls. Sometimes a skeleton had a cigar between its teeth, or someone had drawn fake eyeglasses on it. The villagers just looked afraid of the bones now.
   "Hey!" said Malarkey to a short doofus with big feet. Oh, and she had a propeller beanie on her head.
   "What do you want?" she said.
   "Well, what's your hilarious name? Why do the skeletons look funny? And where is the mayor whatshisname---", said Malarkey.
   "Rumpy Cucamonga!" exclaimed Stumpy.
   "---yeah, that guy."
   The woman in the beanie, plopped carelessly on her tangle of red hair, took a puff and stared for a bit.
   "Aaahhh!" she screamed. She cleared her throat. "Sorry, I had some ice scream earlier." She paused, waiting for the laughter. Nobody except Stumpy laughed. The woman pointed at him and smiled.
   "My name is Clumpy Flapdroop. We don't know why the skeletons look funny. It probably happened a long time ago, before or after the strange light in the eastern sky, back when people weren't afraid of skeletons. Now we think they're spooky and they haunt empty houses and empty fields. And the mayor is in the mayor house. It's over there." She pointed at a house across the street that had a bright blue door with one big red eye in the middle.
   "I think I'm in love," muttered Stumpy.
   "Better not be," said Malarkey. "She could be your relative, or maybe haunted."
   They walked over to the door and knocked. After a few seconds, it slowly opened with loud creaks.
   A face peered out of the gloom. The eyes blinked, the mouth coughed. It looked exactly like an older version of Stumpy.
   "Dad!" Stumpy said.
   A shorter version of the same old face peered from behind the one in front. "Yes?"
   Stumpy looked confused, then said, "Mom?"
   All three burst into laughter and embraced.
   Mayor Rumpy looked at Stumpy and his companions. "Come on in!"


...to be continued.
 

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #9

   The gang trooped along after Ori, the green rabbit, looking with interest and a little fear at the jungle as they walked. Things that looked like vines but had eyes that opened and stared at their passing startled them, except for Billy Bob and Abner. Billy Bob just winked, while Abner took notes. The heat was oppressive and humid after the desert. Perky's pant leg got caught on a thorn and she screamed a scream that cut off, because what was attached to the thorn was even worse. It was a small creature with black fur and big buckteeth.
   "How av oo?", it seemed to ask.
   Ori looked back. "Oh, that's just Simple Stanley. He's harmless. He mostly drools a lot. It's kind of disgusting, but we're used to it. He asked how you are."
   Perky looked a little shy. "I'm good, thanks."
   "Don't bother talking to him. He just says things, he doesn't actually understand us," said Ori. "Haha! Good thing, too."
   Simple Stanley had a sad look on his face as the group walked away.
   Now that they knew that not everything in the jungle was going to kill them, they enjoyed the journey more.
   "Hey, rabbit!" called Shok. "Why didn't you make some sort of path through this mess? It's kind of a hassle, with all the vines and thorns and stuff."
   Ori answered without turning around. "We did try, long ago. You make a path, and the next day, the jungle reclaims it. It's not worth it. Besides, there are paths, if you know what to look for."
   Shok looked doubtful.
   All during their walk, strange calls echoed in the jungle canopy. There were the usual bird calls, monkey howls, and insect hum, but there were also what sounded like people saying "ah hoo hoo whatcha say!" and "batter up batter up, six bucks a cup!", then it sounded like all these hidden figures got into a wild slap fight.
   "What's that?" asked Perky.
   Ori chuckled. "Oh, just some lost salesmen and lawyers. Their planes crashed here decades ago, and they haunt this jungle with their nonsense. They're feral and a little kookoo. I rarely see them, but they're kind of faded, as if their purpose is being lost. One day, when nobody cares or notices, they'll disappear."
   "How sad!' said Perky.
   "Don't be sad! They'll sell you junk or life insurance policies if you let 'em! Leave them be."
   After walking another few minutes, they came to a tall, narrow stone, and around the corner was a comfortable-looking house, set low to the ground in a clearing.
   Ori turned around. "Well, here we are! Casa Conejo. Welcome to my humble abode. Don't mind the kids, I lost count how many there are. We are, after all, rabbits, ya know." He winked. Perky and Shok blushed. Billy Bob chuckled. Abner took notes.
   Some of the aforementioned kids came running out of the house and jumped on their father. He continued walking, but more slowly. "Oof!"
   His wife came out, too. She was pleasant-looking apart from the crossed eyes.
   "This is Morka. She puts up with me." Morka smiled.
   Shok looked at the clearing. "Hey, how come the jungle doesn't reclaim this clearing?"
   "It's the only place on this mesa where jungle doesn't grow. We weren't sure why at first, but then we discovered the big secret," replied Ori. He paused and waited for someone to ask what the big secret was. After an uncomfortably long pause, he sighed and continued. "The jungle has a bald spot!" He grinned widely and did a little shuffle.
   One of his kids, an older girl, sighed and said,"Dad, nobody thinks that's funny, ever!"
   Ori gave her the stinkeye. "Well, it does...but there's a reason! The reason is deep underground, though. Come in, we'll eat and drink and I'll tell you more."
   The house was low but spacious. Room after room spread out from the front door. In a level below, there were even more rooms dug into the ground, as rabbits do like a good warren. The walls were mostly bare except for a few old pictures. The construction of the house was solid if basic. Beams supported the roof, and it gave the effect of looking like a really big cabin in the woods, which was what it was. Everything was painted white, which had gotten a little yellow over the years with age and with smoke from cooking. Ori led the way to the big living room at the back, the passage choked with kids and their toys.
   "Clean this up or I'll give them away to the Eargators!" he growled at no-one in particular.
   "What the hell's an Eargator?" asked Shok.
   A small kid piped up. "An Eargator is a vicious animal that puts its finger in your ear and lays little eggs, which hatch in your skull and eat their way out of your head!" The kid, a little boy, laughed hysterically.
   "What's so funny?" said Shok, looking a little green himself.
   The boy looked solemn. "Well, you'd have to be pretty dumb to get caught by an Eargator. They're really big and slow, and you can hear them coming from miles away."
   They reached the living room, where food and drink was already waiting. It was mostly carrots and celery, but there were also some odd-looking fruit and even some gum. The drink was unfamiliar.
   "Drink up! It's our own special brew---honey spider cider," said Ori. Everyone looked a little nauseous, except for Billy Bob, who licked his lips. "Don't worry, it's better-tasting than its name! Haha, it would have to be."
   They all sat around the large round table, sitting in very comfy chairs. Ori looked at Abner.
   "Hey, Abner! Stop taking notes!"
   Abner looked up, a little startled. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
   Ori looked exasperated. "Of course you do. We met years ago, at that party those bug people gave. Well, I had different-coloured fur back then, more of a blue. And I wasn't calling myself Ori. I was Pambilo Gambaladoolah. And it was a long way from here. Plus I didn't have the wife and kids. A lot has changed since then. For instance, you got a new hat!"
   Abner closed his eyes. "Ah yes, now it's coming back." His eyes opened. He frowned. "I seem to remember you stole something of mine, a very useful device."
   Ori took a sip of his drink. "Ah, but that was years ago. Surely you've gotten a newer and much better very useful device!"
   "You're missing the point," said Abner.
   "Drink up! Let the night be merry. After all, there are more dangerous and serious things stalking the land these days." He looked around at the gathered group. "I should tell you about this place's big secret. It may help you."
   He took another sip and a bite of a blue carrot.   
   "Of course, I discovered this secret years before the light in the east. I was digging around in the basement, seeing if I could make a sub-basement. I broke through the rock and found a big hole. An odd green light poured out, not harsh but soft. I could see that there a sort of natural staircase in the rock, so I decided to go investigate. Morka didn't like that." He grinned at her. She smiled back but with her crossed eyes, nobody could tell if she was mad or not.
   Ori continued. "I didn't have to go down very far before I discovered where the green light was coming from. In the middle of a cavern was a pedestal, and on that pedestal---I kid you not---was a big green baby. I mean a baby that was human, like the three of you." He pointed at Perky, Shok, and Billy Bob.
   "The baby just sat there, with a permanently surprised look on its face. It didn't move at all, but it didn't seem dead, just in suspended animation. The green light emanated from its entire body, but the eyes were a deeper green. Kinda hypnotic. I stared at it for a while, then shook myself out of it, and walked around the pedestal. There was nothing else there, just the green baby on the pedestal. After staring for a few minutes, I noticed that a carrot I was carrying had wilted and died. I was starting to feel a little queasy myself, so I got out of there and went back up to the house. When I got back up, I put a rock over the hole and sat down, panting and sweating. Morka came in and screamed. I looked down at myself and saw that my blue fur had turned green. And that's the honest truth!"
   Morka stuck her tongue out. "Oh, piffle. I didn't scream!"
   "So that's why no plants grow in the area above the cavern. That weird green light kills it," said Ori.
   Abner stared. "A big green baby bleeding green light causes vegetation to wither and die? That seems incredibly unlikely."
   "And you're a talking bird!" snorted Shok.
   Abner looked offended. "I am most certainly not a bird, young man! Birds are silly creatures that fly around, tweet, and shit all over everything. Imagine comparing me to them. Harumph!"
   "Well, you look like a bird," muttered Shok.
   "And you look like a big talking thumb."
   Morka began tsking. "Boys, boys! Have some more cake!"
   "Oh, so that's what that was!" said Billy Bob. "I thought it was gum."
   "Gum! Really!" snorted Morka.
   After they had all calmed down, they ate and drank and talked until late. Then, tired from their day, they all went to bed, each one having their own room.
   Perky had a hard time getting to sleep, which was unusual. She was basically a positive person, without many troubles to keep her awake at night. She tossed and turned, throwing the blankets off her. So many things had happened to her lately, things she had never experienced before, upsetting things, that now in the dark of night, she was wondering if she'd be all right. She had never had a thought like that before. Of course she was going to be all right....right? Eventually, exhaustion overcame her and she fell asleep, but her dreams were troubled, full of nasty evil creatures, biting at her and drawing blood. She flailed and somehow her fingernails had grown into talons, and she slashed at the darkness, causing white light to burst out in rays. The dark spaces screamed out and cursed her. The floor became slippery with blood and she slipped but then floated before she fell. She soared up high, to the top of the room she was in, and sailed through a small hole. She was on top of a big mountain and the sun's rays were strong and yellow and warmed her. Below her in the hole, dark voices screamed and cried and faded.
   She woke up with a start. It was still night and she heard people talking loudly. She got out of bed and went to the door. It opened before she could touch it. Shok was there.
   "Hey, wake up! Stuff's happening."
   Perky followed Shok to the living room. Everyone was there, all talking at once, it seemed. "What's going on?" she asked.
   Billy Bob looked serious. "We're under attack. Certain evil things know we are here and we don't have much time. I think they're after you."
   "Me? Why me?" she gasped.
   "It all probably has to do with that light in the east, and your quest to see the old man in the cave. It seems like it's not just a little fun journey, but something more serious. It's important for you to succeed. Apparently some parties have an interest in seeing you fail," said Abner. "We have to figure out how to get you out of here. The place is surrounded. There's that little black and red thing that followed us. I thought it was harmless, but it seems like it was a spy. It's brought bigger and nastier friends. Friends with big teeth."
   Perky paled. "I think I dreamed about them last night. I fought them off and escaped."
   "Well, I hope that's a sign that things will go well for you," replied Abner. He looked at Billy Bob and Ori. "Gentlemen, I believe we have a few things to talk about."
   "Hey, what about me?" said Shok.
   Billy Bob shook his head. "No, son, we three have had some experience in things like this. You can escort Perky to safety. I think the basement is best."
   Shok grumbled about being a babysitter in a dumb hole.
   "It's very important she be kept safe!" growled Billy Bob.
   Abner, Ori and Billy Bob left the room, followed by Morka. When Abner and Billy Bob raised their eyebrows, Ori said,"Oh haha, I forgot to tell you she was a champion knife thrower before we met. She even defeated Clogong the Impervious. She found a sensitive area, haha!"
   "My village was kind of a terrible place to grow up in," said Morka. "It was either throw knives, or become a beautician."
   After a very short amount of time (they actually had just gone out of the room to get some fancy clothes to wear), the four came back and told of the plan.
   "OK," said Billy Bob. "I guess we just go out and try to keep 'em off. We have some knives and other weapons. I know a few tricks and so does Abner. Morka and Ori do what they do---"
   "I go berserk!" grinned Ori.
   "---and Shok, you take Perky down to the basement and through that hole to the green baby cave."
   "I thought that was a dangerous place?" asked Perky.
   "Abner's been lookin' through his notes, and he thinks there's more to that place than meets the eye."
   Shok led the way while Perky followed. "Come on, slowpoke!"
   All of the many kids had made themselves disappear into the many rooms of the house, some to areas even their parents didn't know about.
   The fighting foursome made their way to the front door. They looked out at the growing crowd.
   "Doesn't look good," said Ori.
   "It'll never get better than this," said Billy Bob.
   With a collective intake of breath, they opened the door and rushed out. Abner removed his hat and flung it, frisbee-style. Little mechanical arms opened up and several saws poked out. It swept through the nearest group of creatures and sliced through them like they were melted butter. Blood gushed out in a fan, soaking things behind them and choking the ones who had been laughing in triumphant expectation. They gurgled and choked to death, falling to the ground. The ones behind them trampled them in their mad rush to attack.
   Billy Bob had a crooked stick he had picked up off the ground. He leapt up and brought the stick down at a sideways angle, impaling several of the evil things. They stuck together and squealed like a living barbecue offering.
   Ori spun around and started screaming, a green tornado that crashed into a group of the enemy, his fists and feet spinning around rapidly, punching and breaking bones. Severed limbs fell off, blood coating their compatriots, as the afflicted screamed in agony and fell over as lumbered trees do.
   Morka had a different apron, this one with many pockets for her various knives. Quick as a wink, one after another she flung them with deadly accuracy at the approaching throng. Knives were buried in skulls, chests, through eye sockets and arms and legs. One creature who had turned to run away ended up with a nasty serrated blade embedded in its ass. As it fell, its face smashed on a stone and burst into gore.
   The attackers were undaunted by the deadly opposition and came at them. Billy Bob, Abner, Morka and Ori defended the house as best they could, but they were vastly outnumbered.
   "These things must have come here from somewhere else," grunted Ori. "I've been through this jungle many many times and never seen the likes of them."
   "Dark forces are against us," said Billy Bob, who by now had one of Morka's long knives in one hand and a burning torch in the other. He swatted at a small pink reptile. "We may not survive."
   "Oh, I don't know about that," said Abner, whose hat had come back to him, boomerang style. He dug around in his clothing. "Hold on and cover your ears!"
   He produced a small silver box. He pressed a button on the top, and it opened up, a serious metal flower. He tossed it at the creatures and ducked. It hung in the air for an impossible few seconds, then with a dull thump, exploded in a ball of red fire. When the smoke cleared, most of the attackers lay dead on the ground, while the survivors crawled or stumbled back into the jungle. The small creature with the black and red stripes was high in a tree, grinning at them. After staring at them, it vanished into the jungle.
   "I know what that is!" exclaimed Abner. "Terrible, terrible thing. I must get back home. It is in grave danger. Farewell!" With that, he ran into the darkness.
   Ori and Morka and Billy Bob were a little marked up but otherwise uninjured. The evil creatures counted on surprise and numbers to overwhelm foes, not skill in fighting.
   "I'd better go check on Perky and Shok," said Billy Bob suddenly.
   He ran into the house, while Ori and Morka followed more slowly. When Billy Bob got to the basement, he could see the green light coming from the hole. He called down. "Are you two all right?"
   Perky's small voice came up."Yes, but it feels very strange down here. Also, Shok keeps farting."
   "That's not me! I keep telling you, it's the big green baby!" protested Shok.
   Billy Bob climbed down and met them. His nose wrinkled. "Yeah, that smells like something not produced by a person."
   After he told them about the battle and Abner leaving, he looked at the big green baby. He picked up a rock and tossed it at it. It disappeared. "I thought so."
   "What?" said Perky.
   "It's another one a them portals. Planet seems to be riddled with 'em."
   "So what do we do?" said Perky.
   "Well, we gotta go through."
   Shok did not look pleased. "Hey, listen, I think I'm gonna go back with Abner and see if I can help him there. It's near my home. This place just gives me the creeps."
   "Be careful. Things aren't going to be any safer there than here," said Billy Bob. He patted Shok on the shoulder.
   Shok climbed back up the hole and ran out of the house, where he caught up to Abner and helped him repair the ship.
   "But why do we have to go through this weird green light, Billy Bob?" asked Perky, who didn't look very perky at all.
   "There's too many bad things behind us, and I think our journey must continue this way. Move forward, not backward."
   Perky didn't look convinced, but she took Billy Bob's hand and after taking a deep breath, they both leaped through the big green baby.


...to be continued!