Mini-Stories #4

Mini-Stories #4

   Roger the beaver was a dirty old man, except that he wasn't a man, but a beaver. He also wasn't really very dirty, either. In fact, Roger the dirty old man-beaver was really Donald the mildly persnickety raccoon who only pretended to be Roger the beaver to con women down at the bar into thinking he was fun.

   Donald the mildly persnickety raccoon was washing the dishes one day when the dish spoke.

   "Hey, watch where you're rubbing, there, mac!" protested the dish.

   "P-pardon me?"

   "Look here, Franklin, I don't have all day to listen to you sputter and flop around that tiny skull of yours. I ain't that way---you know what I mean, right, buddy?---so quit it!" the dish finished in a spray of bubbles.

   "M-my name isn't Franklin, first of all, and another thing, dishes can't talk!"

   "You mean dishes don't talk. Me, I never had a reason before, until you, the sleazy fake beaver came along and thought I was some sorta easy conquest! I have friends, you know, friends in high places---the highest of places! We are a concerned group and we won't stand for such nonsense!"

   Ro--er, Donald looked at the dish in puzzlement. He kept looking and looking, and eventually the dish started to fade. There was a slight disturbance in the soapy water as the dish tried to struggle, but that ended, and in its place appeared an angry-looking carrot.

   "What the hell are you looking at?!?" yelled the carrot.

   Tears slid down Donald's cheek.

   "Hey, hey, sorry! I didn't mean that," soothed the carrot."I'm not really angry, just angry-looking. You wouldn't believe the hell I catch from people for that. The other day, this nun was washing her wimple and..." The carrot trailed off as he noticed he had lost his audience.

   Donald's gaze turned back to the carrot. There was utter silence as the two stared at each other. Quick as lightning, Donald grabbed the carrot and shoved it up his nose. The carrot sputtered and choked as it slowly died. Then Donald removed the carrot and put it back in the sink, whistling all the while.

   "Donald 17, dish-carrot 16. The tie has been broken...dum de dum," he mumbled as he scrubbed the dead carrot.