The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #13

    "What are we going to do? What are we going to do??" said Stumpy in a panic.

   Snarky punched him on the arm.

   "Ow! Why'd ya do that?" cried Stumpy.

   "Sorry, just reflex," replied Snarky. He patted Stumpy's arm.

   Malarkey looked at the rest of the group. "Well, guys, we're in a pickle. The question remains: how do we get out of the jar?"

   Tinky looked confused. "I never know what you're talking about."

   Malarkey waved his arms around. "We're clearly doomed in several ways unless we get out of this trap! How do we escape? Any ideas?"

   Snarky raised his hand. "I say we grab Stumpy and use him as a battering ram and smash that door down!"

   Everyone---except Stumpy---nodded. 

   "Say, fellas, I don't think that's a very goo--"

   He didn't finish due to him being grabbed and used as a battering ram on the door. The plan worked surprisingly well due to two factors. One, Stumpy's head was astonishingly hard, and two, the door wasn't. It crumpled like aluminum foil. They exited the room of doom, passing the door, which was in agonized pieces, ripped and shredded and torn and beaten. It seemed to look at them pleadingly as they avoided the jagged edges. Their reflections rippled across the uneven surfaces, a distorted mockery of its plight. Eventually, the light faded and it was no more. 

   "Boy, what a weird door," muttered Stumpy.

   Their footsteps echoed in the metal hallways of the submarine as they ran, trying to find some way out. The boat seemed empty. Various objects were strewn around on the floor, so they had to dodge danger as they ran. Nothing made any sense to our intrepid band. All the bits looked like pieces of alien machinery, with unknown functions and design. Snarky pocketed a few of the pieces, because you never know what you'll need in the future. 

   They looked into every room they passed, but they were all packed with junk and didn't look like exits at all. 

   "You know," said Snarky, "I'm beginning to think nothing is as it seems. I mean, except for the two rooms we were in, the rest of this barge looks like a garbage dump. I don't think Della and those other guys are who they say they are, and I don't think this submarine is a submarine. I mean, some of these pieces I picked up just say things like 'haha' and 'whoops' on the back. In fact, I think this wall isn't a wall!" As he said that, he veered into the wall and punched it. The force of his blow ripped a hole into the wall and he fell into a room. It was full of thankfully soft toys to cushion his fall. 

   "Uh, I guess this is a sub." He looked embarrassed. He got up and ran after his companions. 

   After a few minutes and a lot of wrong attempts, they found a door that said, in big neon letters, 'EXIT'. 

   "I think this is the way out!" exclaimed Stumpy, jumping out of the way of Snarky's punch. 

   It was Tinky who was the one who opened the door, which swung wide with a loud screech, revealing a dock. 

   "So I guess this is it, that town Della was talking about. Doesn't look like much." Malarkey looked thoughtful. "Whaddya say, gang? Shall we go?"

   Without any discussion, they all ran out of the submarine and into the town. Malarkey was right: it wasn't anything special. In fact, it looked half finished, like a movie set. Everything was ramshackle, especially the shacks. Nails stuck out of walls, predators waiting for prey. The streets were curiously uneven, as if they were randomly placed. The dominant colour was brown, with some grey splashed in to make it festive. The dwellings, most of which would have to be extensively renovated to achieve the status of hovel, leaned drunkenly against each other.

   "See? I told you. None of this is real!" said Snarky in a loud voice.

   A head poked out of the nearest window. "Not real? My magnificent mansion? That is an insult, sir!" said the voice, which belonged to a small person of indeterminate species. 

   "We just thought that nobody lived here," said Snarky.

   The small person, with a wild mane of dirty, tangled hair, and clothing to match, looked both offended and amused. "Oh, I am very sorry, your majesty, for not rolling out the red carpet to you and your exalted retinue! We've been oh so busy with, you know, living life and all that. I mean, it's tough, you know, what with all the crazy tourists and their stupid treasure maps gallivanting around our town like it's made of cake and today's their birthday! I barely have time to do my hair." The person ruffled their hair like it was a do, and not a don't. 

   "Pardon our rudeness, kind sir or madam," said Malarkey. "We've recently been kidnapped by some of those crazed tourists, and have just escaped this here submarine, which has a time bomb---"

   "Bomb!" yelled everyone. Just then, the bomb went off, but instead of a town-destroying explosion, the only thing that happened was that a small purple cloud of smoke appeared above the submarine, a banner popped up that said 'Happy Anniversary', and a sound very much like a depressed trombone was heard faintly. 

   "Oh, good!" said the disheveled townsperson. "You remembered my anniversary! Now, if I could only remember what it is..."

   The person looked squarely at Malarkey and glared. "Wait, sir or madam? Can't you tell? I am Crackcut Fragga, if you don't mind. I am this town's leading lady and historian. Pardon my attire, my gowns are at the drycleaner." She flounced a little. 

   "Where is everybody else?" asked Snarky. 

   "Oh, they're all at some town meeting, deciding what to finally do about this treasure map madness," said Crackcut. "I would be there, but I had a bout of indigestion. Meetings make me gassy." With that, she let out a small, ladylike fart. Everyone turned green around the gills except Stumpy, who got a dreamy look in his eyes. 

   "We wouldn't mind going to this meeting," said Malarkey. "We've been buffeted around too much. We all have places we want to go, and it doesn't include being hijacked by crazoids. Would you take us there?"

   Crackcut considered the request. "Oh, okay, I guess I could take you there. There was something I wanted to bring up anyway. They can all leave if they don't like the way I smell!" She started walking away and they all followed her.

   It was only a short walk to the town hall, but in that time they saw more of the town than they wanted. It really looked like a vicious storm had attacked it, but Crackcut assured them that wasn't so, and in fact they had spruced it up recently. Everything looked so ominous and dangerous, like the houses themselves were going to attack them. Nothing was more than one storey, and even then they looked ready to collapse. Small strange-looking animals scurried across the streets, hissing at them. The animals had two or three heads each, and the heads hissed at each other when they weren't hissing at everything else. Fur covered their bodies, but unevenly, as if they had gotten a disease and then the disease fled in disgust. Crackcut kicked one that had gotten too close. It flew away with an enraged squeak. 

   "Oh, here we are," she said, pointing to a building. "Town hall." It looked exactly like all the other buildings, except that it was full of people, some of whom were outside, as it was too full inside. She pushed her way in the crowd, farting with each step. Even though everyone looked like they smelled like the dead, they parted for her. One man's head fell off, but his hands picked it up and put it back, although upside down. "Make way! Make way! Very important visitors comin' through!"

   Everyone looked at the newcomers.

   One young woman looked at them and said, "They don't look important to me! They look like more of those treasure mappers!" She spat on the ground. 

   "Hush, child!" said Crackcut. "They ain't no treasure mappers. They have some important news to tell us."

   Our foursome looked at each other worriedly.

   Stumpy spoke first. "We don't have any---" he said before punches from the other three stopped him. Tinky, being very small, had to punch him on the knee, which caused him to stumble. Good thing he had such huge feet, or he would have fallen. 

   By this time, they had reached the middle of the room. There was a raised stage, and a table with six chairs. Only five chairs were occupied, until Crackcut climbed onstage and sat down. 

   None of the other five on stage were familiar to the gang, except to Snarky and Malarkey, who stared. They looked at each other, then back at the stage. They spoke at the same time.

   "Mom and dad?"

...to be continued.

   

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #13

   "Who is the Emperor?" asked Perky, looking at the penguins. "Is he fun, or...or is he mean?"

   Penguins One and Two gave each other significant looks, but said nothing and waddled on.

   "Hey! I saw you give each other Significant Looks! That means something!" Perky darted up to them and tugged on their feathers. "Talk to me!"

   Penguin One glared at her and shook her off. "Silence is a very attractive quality."

   Billy Bob grabbed the penguin. "Now looky here, bub. Don't you be grabbin' her like that. I won't stand for it."

   Penguin Two shot a small laser out of its eye, and Billy Bob shot up into the air just a little bit. He settled back down, none the worse for wear except that his ears seemed to glow. 

   "We are not your enemies," said Penguin Two.

   "We are also not your friends," added Penguin One.

   "We are your esteemed guides," they said together.

   "You're a pair of jerkaholics," mumbled Billy Bob.

   Cyril, who had been lagging behind a little, dealing with his wife, whose blank mind meant that she looked in wonder at everything, despite the fact that they were surrounded by nothing but ice and snow, trotted up to them.

   "I say, chaps, instead of all this fuss, why don't we wait until we get to the big house and ask the Emperor what's up, what?" He coughed and examined his gloved hands. "After all, it's hardly likely these two would know much about anything, eh?" He looked back at his wife, who was face down in the snow making a snow angel the hard way, and went back to get her.

   "But it's so far!" exclaimed Perky a little sadly. "I'm cold."

   "Here," said Billy Bob. "Take my coat."

   "Won't you be cold, too?"

   "Nah, I grew up in cold places."

   "Didn't you grow up in the steamy south or something?"

   "Not all places are cold because of the weather," replied Billy Bob, as he gazed mysteriously into the distance. 

   Despite Perky's misgivings, the castle wasn't as far as they thought. The ice and snow made a flat white landscape, which is great for dramatic visuals, but hell on perspective and navigation. Plus it was boring, unless you're a penguin.

   Before their exposed skin could turn blue, they were at the gates of the castle. 

   The penguins turned to look at the group.

   "We are here!" they announced unnecessarily. "Welcome to our humble abode!"

   The frankly giant doors creaked open dramatically, and they were ushered inside, where it was a hell of a lot warmer. They stamped to shake off the snow and rubbed their hands together.

   Unlike the outside of the castle, which was decorated in early minimal bleak, the inside was all warm colours. Too many colours for Cyril's wife, who didn't know how to deal with all the fresh stimulus and just sort of ran at the walls and furnishings, sort of biting it and loudly mumbling. Cyril ran and got her and with some difficulty, pulled her away.

   "Wait here," the penguins said imperiously, and then left through a small side door.

   "You'd think they were the Emperor," said Billy Bob.

   "Billy Bob," said Perky, looking a little worried. "We're going to be all right, aren't we?"

   "Sure, yeah we are," he replied. "Ah figure, they can't have brought us all this way to do harm to us. Just wouldn't make a lot of sense." He looked thoughtful. "Unless they're cannibal penguins!"

   Perky giggled. "Silly! Cannibal penguins would only eat other penguins!"

   "Yeah, ah guess yer right." He smiled a little.

   They all walked around and looked at everything. The furniture, the tables, the wall hangings, the cabinets...they all were in various startling colours, and seemed to be in various styles and from various parts of the world. What they were all doing here in a vast ice palace was anyone's guess, but they all knew they would shortly find out. 

   Cyril looked at a painting on the wall. It showed a big penguin in armour and holding a sword, which was dripping in blood. It stood on a small hill of dead penguins, all separated from various body parts and obviously not just napping. The victorious penguin had a steely gaze that said he was not someone to trifle with, not even a little bit, so don't even think about it, Jack.

   "Remarkable piece of, er, art," mumbled Cyril.

   His wife was sitting on a bright red couch trying to chew on a pillow, which was also bright red but striped with black.

   "No, dear," he said absently, taking it away. "Not until after dinner." She looked a little sad.

   The room was undeniably large, but at the same time, it had a certain intimacy. No, that's not it. Maybe the walls were closing in. No, not that either. 

   "Man, this room sure is stuffed fulla junk," said Billy Bob.

   Perky was bouncing on the couch next to Cyril's wife. "But I like the colours!"

   A small rat-like machine scuttled from under the couch and raised its head to look at her.

   "Do you mind! I have some very important calculations to make!" it said, then darted back under the couch.

   Before anyone could react, a door a the far end of the room opened and Penguin One and Penguin Two came in. They both had trumpets and blew on them loudly, which wasn't that pleasant as they didn't know how to play them, then they lowered them and opened their mouths.

   "Announcing the arrival of the most Exalted and Holy Emperor of all that is seen, ruler of all the lands that are known and unknown, of the distant sea which is, to our knowledge, still there despite us not having the time lately to go and visit it as much as we did when we were younger and not as burdened with the awesome responsibility of state, through no fault of our own or our Dear Leader..." When they paused to take a breath, they were shoved aside by another penguin, not quite as tall as they were, and looking a little bedraggled. This one had a crown on its head, and its beak was a little crooked.

   "THE EMPEROR!" yelled the other penguins.

   "Yes, yes, leave us be now. I shall deal with them in my own manner, thank you." The Emperor's voice was a little rough, as if it didn't get used a lot.

   When the other penguins had left, the Emperor shuffled over to our group. 

   They all noticed that there was something off about this penguin. For one, he made a loud rubbing sound, like corduroy pants. For another, his eyes didn't seem to focus on anything, as if they were made of glass. For third, he beckoned them over.

   "Oh wow, am I glad to see you! Humans at last! I thought I'd never see humans again. Being surrounded by penguins is bad enough, but giant, angry, annoying penguins is pure torture."

   Perky and Cyril's wife looked a little confused, but Cyril spoke up.

   "I see the problem here. What we have is not a bona fide penguin, but what appears to be a man in a tattered penguin costume." He fingered the material.

   Billy Bob burst out,"Whut th'!"

   The Emperor took off his head to reveal the face of a man with a scraggly beard and tired eyes.

   "Now what in tarnation is this?" asked Billy Bob. "Why in heck are yuh wearin' a penguin costume and pretendin' to be an emperor?"

   "Well," said the so-called Emperor. "I shall tell my story briefly, because I really don't have much time. They're so demanding." He cleared his throat.

   "Once upon a time I was a modest nobody by the name of Reginald Runt. One day, bored by my job counting pencils for a madman, which wasn't as interesting as it sounds, I decided to have an adventure. I withdrew my savings and and hired a boat to explore the polar regions. Everybody else went to exotic tropical places, so why not a cold place with no rum drinks? I was soon to regret this decision. Not because of the cold and isolation, which I quite liked, but because of my present situation. I had a fine time exploring a world of grey seas and ice floes, but then one day the captain of the small vessel, who had a stash of rum I didn't know about, got tired of the trip and drank an entire bottle to himself. He yelled angrily about the snow demons who wanted to feast on his unmentionables, took the wheel and crashed the ship on a big ice floe. We all blacked out. When I woke up, the captain and crew were gone, and it was just me. Well, me and a penguin. Funny looking creatures, I thought. Well, not this one. For one, it was as tall as a man, and was carrying a sword. It prodded me to get up, so I did. It marched me across the floe to this place, the ice castle. I was flabbergasted. It took me through a small side door, and into a chamber deep in what I learned later was the dungeon level. It spoke to me in my language, which furthered my confusion. It had a tale to tell, of death and betrayal, which I won't get into now except to say that the old Emperor, a real penguin, had been lured to a distant crevice and pushed in by what he had thought was his friend and confidante. Unknown to him, he had been followed by the penguin who captured me, who was his advisor, and who witnessed the whole sordid affair. Before the betrayer could enjoy his misdeed, my penguin rushed up behind him and pushed him into the same crevice. He had some quick thinking to do. The people couldn't know about this. They were totally brainwashed into thinking the Emperor was godly, infallible, perfect. Too strong to be defeated by something as sneaky as being pushed into a hole. If it came out, society would collapse. He had a little time to work with, because the Emperor had supposedly gone on a little day trip, and while he was walking around trying to think, he spotted my shipwreck. He saw me and a plan came together. He dragged me to the castle, into the dungeon, and explained everything. I was a little light-headed because of the accident, and as well he suggested I might live longer if I agreed to do what he said, so I went along. So here I am, pretending to be the Emperor of this endless waste. I think the high council has its suspicions, but they are also conditioned not to question the Emperor, so it's a tricky deal. I'm glad you're here, so you can help me escape!"

   The group looked stunned. Cyril's wife chewed on Reginald's penguin head.

   "You one a them escaped lunatics or somethin'?" said Billy Bob.

   "No, no, of course not! I realize it's totally ludicrous, but you have to believe me!" He looked around.  "Follow me." He motioned for them to follow him through a door that was next to a statue of a penguin with two heads.

   Shrugging, they all went in after him. It was a small room, not at all fancy, and it was only filled with two things: a small table, and on it, a small machine with blinking lights. 

   "This is my escape from this place. I found it in one of the dungeons. I think it's some sort of teleport machine, but I don't know how it works. I think it's missing a piece, but I don't know what or where to find it. I'm getting a little desperate. I hate eating raw fish guts!"

   They all looked blank, except for Cyril. 

   "Good lord," he said. "I have just the part! I found it one day, and knew it belonged to something like this, but I didn't have the machine it fits. Imagine that. How unlikely."

   He went over to the machine, and looked at it. Then he took the part from a pocket, and jammed it in. The machine made a sound like a muskrat farting, and the lights began to blink faster. He pulled a small lever on its side. All the lights went out, and they were in darkness. Reginald cursed loudly.

   Before he could attack Cyril, the lights came back on and the machine hummed softly. Behind the machine was a soft blue gateway made of light. They all looked at each other. 

   Before they could decide who would go first, there was loud shouting in the big room they had just left. 

   "Uh oh," said Reginald. "I think they found my head." It was true. He was missing his Emperor penguin head. He had left it behind. Time to step into the unknown. Without so much as a word, they all popped through the portal one by one, as fast as they could.

...to be continued. 

   

   

   

   

   

   

       

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #12

   "Whaddya mean, locked us in?" asked Stumpy. "I can't be locked in! I got, whatchamacallit, allergies."

   "Allergies to being locked in?" asked Snarky.

   "Yeah! Makes me all stuffed up and persnickety. I go bananas like a barrelful of monkeys."

   "I think you're bananas," said Snarky.

   Malarkey, dreading being responsible, held his hands up. "Fellas! Let's hold it together. It's probably just for our safety."

   "Safety?" said Tinky, looking worried. "Against what?" He looked around, as if monsters were lurking under the elegant doilies. 

   "You don't really believe that, do you?" asked Snarky. 

   Malarkey winked and put his finger to his mouth. He mouthed, Someone may be listening.

   Stumpy looked at this game of charades in confusion. "Why are you winking and putting your finger to your mouth?"

   Everyone glared at him. Snarky punched him hard on the arm. 

   "Oww-oww!"

   "Just shut up for once, okay, Stumpy?"

   Everyone looked around their quarters. They truly were luxurious, far nicer than a banged-up submarine should be. Netting on the walls, chairs with ship wheels for backing, stuffed fish that had far too many teeth here and there. It even smelled a little like the sea. 

   "Wow, what's that smell? Seaweed and dead clams?" Stumpy held his nose. "I shall not stand for this outr---" Snarky piled on top of him before he could finish, pummelling him mercilessly.

   "Look, gentle..." Malarkey looked at his companions, bedraggled and dopey-looking, and continued,"....Look, men, we're in a tight situation, see, and we've gotta use our domes to squeeze out."

   "Why are you talking like that?" asked Tinky.

   "And how are we gonna use our domes? You mean our heads? To bash out through the door?" Stumpy backed off before Snarky could pick him up and use him like a battering ram.

   "No, I mean we have to use our brains to think our way out of this problem," said Malarkey. 

   "With this group?" said Snarky with a grimace.

   "Everything's really blue in here...." said Tinky, looking around. 

   Malarkey continued. "Let's look around and see what we can find."

   Everybody started prodding through the decorations and furniture. They discovered that while it looked nice, on further inspection it was all kind of cheaply made. It felt rough, and little bits flaked off. 

   "What a dump," muttered Snarky.

   "Hey! Look what I found!" exclaimed Tinky, who was at the far wall. They all ambled over.

   Tinky had pulled aside a small table that was in front of a wall hanging, a tapestry of an ocean scene, all whales and seagulls and mermaids, frolicking together with knives in their mouths. Behind it was an old rusty door, only about half the size of a normal one. For Tinky and Stumpy, it looked fine, but Snarky and Malarkey knew they'd have to duck if they went through it. They both knew that of course they were going through it. The story demanded it. Cruel author.

   A low pounding sound, like drums except the drums were made of skulls, began to throb louder and louder. The door to their chamber began to open slowly. A thin beam of red light burst inside. Tinky screamed, Stumpy pissed himself, and Snarky and Malarkey looked at each other. A hairy, gnarled foot poked inside. The door creaked open.

   It was one of Della's large henchmen, carrying a tray. 

   He smiled at them while also managing to look murderous. 

   "After dinner mint?"

   Silence.

   "We haven't eaten yet," said Snarky. "In case you haven't noticed."

   The henchman's eyes roamed around. Bushy eyebrows rose up, as if it was all a surprise. A small laugh trickled out of his mouth.

   "Oh yes, pardon me, I am not expert in social niceties. I realize there is a certain...order...to things. Forgive me. I shall exit henceforth." With that, he backed slowly out of the room. The door clicked shut, with a further sound that let them know the lock had turned again.

   They all looked at each other. 

   "What was that all about?" said Stumpy.

   "More weirdness," replied Snarky.

   Malarkey turned back to the small, hidden door. "I think we should see where this leads." He gripped the doorknob and pulled. Nothing happened. He pulled again and with a small scream and a cloud of rust, it opened. They peered in. Darkness.

   "I ain't going in there!" said Stumpy. Of course the other three shoved him in.

   He yelled and fell to the floor. 

   "It's dark in here. Really dark. What's that on the floor? Ouch! It bit me! No, wait, I just stubbed my finger. Are those eyes staring at me? Do I hear teeth gnashing? What's that heavy breathing---" He didn't finish, because the heavy breathing was his companions, impatiently shoving past him. 

   "Get up!" they all said.

   The narrow, dark corridor seemed to go on forever, although it was actually not very long. When you're in the dark in a dangerous place, you tend to exaggerate the fear. Not that any of them were afraid. Not this intrepid band.

   At long last, and after Stumpy had been run over at least six times, they came to another door. Well, they banged into a wall and figured it must be a door, especially after they found a knob.

   "Hey! That's my nose!" Stumpy said after the first mistaken grab.

   They opened the door slowly...to reveal another room, not unlike the one they had left. It had one big difference, though. Della was there.

   "Hi, fellows. Come on in. Took you long enough." She smiled.

   They tumbled in. 

   "All right, lady. What's going on?" said Snarky with a snarl.

   "Patience, patience. I told you all would be revealed. Please, have a seat."

   After they had all taken a seat, Della began her story.

   "Once upon a time, when I was a little girl..."

   Snarky broke in. "Is this going to take all day? We have adventures to go on!"

   She frowned. "Well, in the interest of brevity, plus the fact that bad people are around, I'll shorten it up. Anyway, after a life of peace and quiet, I decided I wanted some adventure. Not unlike you." She looked at each one of them. "Although your adventure seems to have happened to you, like falling off a cliff."

   "You can say that again," said Stumpy. "I can't wait to get back home."

   "Anyway," she continued, pushing some hair behind her ear, "I set off from home with a small amount of money in my pocket, a small suitcase with some clothes, and my hopes and dreams."

   Snarky and Malarkey rolled their eyes a bit.

   "This isn't going to be like a stupid TV movie, is it?" said Snarky.

   "No," she frowned, "more like a horror movie. Plenty of danger."

   "Oh, goody!" said Tinky. 

   "At first it was fun. I met a lot of interesting people," Della said. "At one place, a bar in the tropics, I met a group of young people, kids really, who said they had a treasure map. Treasure map! Well, that sounded exciting! So I fell in with them, following them as they roamed this large group of islands, most of which were small and uninhabited. There were rumours of cannibals, of course, but we laughed them off. That only happened in stories. As the weeks went on, and we were no closer to the treasure, I began to notice things. One, they weren't as young as I thought. They were just small people with young faces, but the faces were hard edged, like they'd lived a long life and had done a lot of bad things. Also, the rumours of cannibals weren't rumours. We encountered some people who, if they weren't cannibals, probably wouldn't mind killing us, and drinking our blood from our skulls. They didn't look like they were native to the islands, though. They looked more like....tourists who had gone feral. We started finding evidence on islands of terrible rituals and mass deaths. One night, one of our group disappeared, never to be found again. The rest of them didn't seem to notice. I mentioned it, but they shrugged and resumed getting back in our boat. Ah, the boat. I assumed it was theirs, something they had worked for, saved up and bought, but they didn't really seem to know how to sail it, and it was mostly up to me. I had sailed with my family when I was young, at our summer home on the lake, that is until...until..." She stopped to wipe a tear away.

   She continued. "I asked them if we were getting closer to the treasure. They snapped at me and said I was along to sail the boat, not to ask questions. One night, though, when everyone else was asleep, one of them came to me and told me not to be too upset. They had been looking for this treasure for a long time, and never seemed to come any closer. It was making everyone short-tempered. They used to all be jolly fun-seekers, he said wistfully, it was all a lark, until this damn treasure started to control them. He asked me what year it was. When I told him, he was surprised. That much time had passed? he said. It seems like we've been in these islands forever. Again, he looked deeply sad. Why don't you give it up? I asked him. What, and give up show biz? he said. A dumb joke, he said. It's too late for us, but you---you should escape. Get away from the madness while you still can. So I did. At the next island was a small town, a village really, and I slipped away and got on another boat, one that was going far from the islands. I thought I had left it all behind, the treasure map madness. Maybe there wasn't a treasure after all. Maybe they were all just crazy, going around in circles. I don't know. I told the story to two men on the new ship. They seemed polite and friendly, and more amused by my experience than anything. They asked about my sailing skills. They said they had a submarine, something they had received from a man who owed them a debt but had no money, only this submarine."

   She paused to take a sip of water.

   "I wanted to get away, and this seemed like a calmer adventure. No crazy dreams of treasure, just piloting a boat underwater. Seems kind of crazy, too, but not that bad. So I went along with it. At first it was okay, we just sort of roamed the oceans for a while. Put into port for supplies and recreation. But then they started to act....strangely. They kept asking me more and more about the treasure. Did I know what it was? Surely I had to have some idea of where it was, or wasn't? I kept telling them I didn't know. I knew, of course, that they were mad, too. Mad with treasure fever. One night one of them let slip that the group I had left behind was in fact their cousins! They had heard about the mad quest, of course, but had contempt. Thought they were a bunch of bozos. We were smart, they said. We'd use scientific methods to find this treasure! Not just sailing around a bunch of islands like moths around a flame, bashing their heads in. So that's what I'm doing on this sub. Helping them. I want to escape and go home, but they're wily. You have to help me." She said this last thing with a pleading look in her eyes.

   "Why should we trust you? How do we know you're not as mad as them?" said Malarkey.

   "If I wasn't on your side, would I give you this?" she said. She pulled out a gun from her pocket. At least it looked like a gun, but with extra bits sticking out. "It's an energy weapon. I stole it from them. They have a whole room full of things like this. Take it!"

   "And what are we supposed  to do with it? Kill them? We're not murderers!" said Snarky.

   "Oh, it won't kill anybody. Not if you set it to stun. See, this switch right here...", she showed them.

   "Why don't you do it yourself?" asked Malarkey.

   "They watch me all the time. But you, you're new. They think you're....uh....well, they think you're idiots. No offence." She grinned sadly. "You can take them by surprise."

   None of the group wanted to stay prisoners on this underwater boat, so they began to consider it. 

   "When are we supposed to use this?" asked Snarky.

   The door to this room began to open. Della tossed to the weapon to Snarky, who caught it awkwardly.

   "Now would be a good time!" she muttered.

   She turned to the door as the two large men entered. "Gentlemen! I have prepared our subjects for the experiment." She looked significantly at Snarky. 

   "Experiment?" said Tinky.

   She laughed. "Hahaha! They are truly ignorant. Their minds are so soft and useless it would be no loss to erase and replace them with better minds! Pliable minds."

   Our group looked confused. Della kept staring at Snarky, raising her eyebrows slightly. She waved her hands at the two men. "The time is at hand! The time to do this is now!"

   She screamed at Snarky. "Now!"

   Snarky was so startled that his finger squeezed the trigger and a beam of white light came out, bathing the two. They crumpled to the ground, paralyzed.

   Della walked up to them to check. She kicked them in their sides, hard. Nothing.  She turned to the group.

   "We don't have much time. The effect will wear off in an hour or so, and the time bomb will go off before then."

   "Time bomb!" they said in one voice.

   "Yes. We're close to a port. Let's get off then and disappear into the town. You'll like it. It's full of people like you." She grabbed the gun back from Snarky. She smiled a little smile.

   "These idiots had no idea how to find the treasure. Neither did the other idiots I was with before. But I've studied all the maps and I know exactly where it is!" She looked at them. "I am sorry I had to deceive you, but I still need you. And I am sorry for doing this."

   She went to the door and stood there before she added, "I'll come get you in half an hour. We'll be at port then."

   She then slipped out and locked the door behind her. 

   The group looked at each other. 

   "Aw, fuck," said Snarky.

...to be continued.

   

   

   

   

   

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #12

   "Hello, dear," said Cyril to the shambling heap.

   "Dear?" said Billy Bob. "You know this....thing?"

   "Of course," he replied. "This is my wife."

   "Your wife?!" exclaimed Perky. Something small and made of metal fell off something else. Bang.

   "Well, if you want to get persnickety, she used to be my wife. In all the hubbub involving me ending up here, she was caught in some sort of mysterious energy beam, the likes of which I had never seen before. It sort of pulled her apart and put her back together, along with the cat, but it wasn't put together the right way." Cyril looked half sad and half glad.

   "Ain't it kinda awkward?" asked Billy Bob. "I mean, where's her mouth?"

   The heap shuffled a bit from side to side. It looked a little sad, if something that looked like nothing could look like anything. There wasn't a lot of room in the tower, and it must have been uncomfortable for Cyril and his wife-thing to be in the same space. On the other hand...well...I don't think there was another hand. Except on the heap, which looked like it had more than the usual amount of hands and paws.

   It made a sound like a very large cat at the bottom of a deep well making a sad meowing sound.

   "Oh, she's hungry. Let me feed her," said Cyril. He went over to a table and grabbed something that looked like mouldy garbage. He took it to his wife and pressed it against her body. After a few seconds, it disappeared, absorbed into the interior.

   Perky's eyed were big and round. "Cool!" she said "I wish I could eat like that."

   Cyril looked sadly at her. "No, no you don't. I think it's quite painful for her." He smiled suddenly. "Well, on to the chamber!"

   "The chamber?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Yes! Where all the action is. You know, you lot showing up should prove to be very fortunate. My wife, ah, can't assist me in my experiments anymore due to her not having workable hands, Or a mouth. Or eyes. I think. But you! Four healthy hands I presume"---he looked at their hands---"so you can help me escape from this nightmare land!"

   He led them to another room, the entrance to which they hadn't seen due to it being behind a very large cabinet. He went through the narrow space between wall and cabinet, sucking in his stomach. His fingers beckoned them to follow. 

   When they were all in the chamber, they were awestruck. It was filled with equipment even stranger than the other room. 

   "What the heck is all this stuff?" said Billy Bob.

   Perky touched some piece of metal with lights on it. Cyril noticed it.

   "Don't touch!" he barked. She dropped it like it had teeth. A little drop of blood oozed out of it from a seam, and a low sighing sound was heard.

   Perky jumped back with a squeak.

   "It's...in a bad mood," said Cyril. When Billy Bob started to ask what it was, Cyril waved him off impatiently.

   "I need help to properly calibrate this thing." He pointed to a huge metal box, covered in flashing lights and levers. On the left side was a glass door.

   "So what do we do?" asked Billy Bob.

   "I want you to go over to that door and go inside. No, not you, the little one. She's the right size."

   Perky was innocent enough that she just saw it as a fun new thing to do, not a possibly fatal experiment by a small, scruffy man who was probably a mad scientist or maybe just an escaped lunatic. She went over and opened the glass door on the box.

   "Tell my friends I love them!" she said, unexpectedly ominous. She stepped inside and closed the door. 

   Cyril turned to Billy Bob. "I want you to go over there." He pointed at a smaller metal box that had only one large button on it in the middle. "When I say 'go!', you press that button. Don't delay! Hesitation is for losers!" He rubbed his hands together and cackled a little.

   "What I am going to do is, of course, the most important part," he continued. His eyes seemed to glow a bit. Billy Bob shuffled nervously. The overhead lights flickered.

   Cyril grabbed something from a table that looked like a steering wheel with buttons in the middle. He pressed one, then another, then looked at Billy Bob. "Time is of the essence!"

   "Why's that?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Well, you know those horrible creatures outside who wanted to eat you? Well, they do want to eat you. And me. All of us. I don't know if they're cannibals by birth, or whether they're just really hungry because this land is awful and nothing grows here. They've been trying to get inside this tower since I arrived, and even though the walls are really thick, when crazed flesh-eating monster people bang against it for a long time, the walls weaken. Let me tell you, it can be hard to conduct my experiments with that loud bang! bang! bang! sound going on. And the growling sounds, too. Bang! Growl! Ooh! Aah! It can drive a man mad, mad I say!" He stopped and looked at Billy Bob with a sly grin. "Not that I'm mad. I'm feeling much better now."

   He pressed a couple more buttons. 

   "Are you ready?" he asked. Billy Bob nodded.

   Cyril pressed one final button. The steering wheel made a loud PING! He pointed to Billy Bob. "Now!"

   Billy Bob pressed the big button. For a long, agonizing moment, nothing happened. Then all the lights on the big metal box lit up, all racing around each other in a crazy pattern. A bright green light lit up the small room Perky was in, clouding up the glass door in a thick mist. The large box started shaking and making a keening sound, like a turtle trying to sing opera. The lights in the room went off and on several times. Cyril fell to the floor, then got back up. He started yelling.

   "Yes, baby, yes! Finally!"

   All the sounds and lights suddenly stopped. An eerie silence boomed out. Cyril darted for the exit. Billy Bob went over to the glass door and let Perky out. She looked up at him.

   "What happened?"

   Billy Bob looked in the direction Cyril had gone. He scratched his cheek. "I don't rightly know. Maybe somethin', maybe nothin'. Guess we can go have a look see."

   They both followed Cyril, squeezing their way back to the main room. 

   He stood there, arms around his wife-thing. He let go and danced towards Billy Bob and Perky. "Whoohoo!"

   "Well? What happened?" asked Perky. She looked excited and scared at the same time.

   "I have no idea! Let's go look, shall we?" Cyril looked more ruffled than he usually did. He walked over to the door and put his ear to it. He stood there for a full minute, listening. Perky and Billy Bob didn't dare interrupt; they were paralyzed by doubt. Finally Cyril opened the door. He squinted, then stepped outside. There was no sound of him being torn to pieces. In fact, there was no sound at all except a low sound like wind. Perky and Billy Bob looked at each other. Perky took Billy Bob's hand and they walked out the door after Cyril.

    What they saw surprised them. Not a ravaged landscape inhabited by feral people. It was white. Bluish-white. Ice. It was a land of ice and snow, with what looked like a midnight sun. In the distance was what looked like a giant castle made of ice, with turrets and spires and many windows. Cyril was looking at it in awe.

   "W-what is it?" asked Perky, cold breath coming out of her mouth.

   "Hell if I know. Shit, it didn't work. All I know is that we're not in Kansas anymore."

   "Where's Kansas?" asked Billy Bob. 

   "Oh," said Cyril. "I guess you wouldn't know. It's a flat land where strange people grow tall plants. Sometimes tornadoes come along and blow it all down, and they start all over again. And again..."

   "Sounds scary," said Perky, rubbing her hands together. "Is this England?"

   "Not at all!" said Cyril. "Maybe England fifty thousand years ago. No, England is a green land, full of trees and rivers and polluted cities." He rubbed his hands together. "Boy howdy, it's cold! Before we go to that castle I'm going to put on some warmer clothing!" He walked briskly back into his tower. "There's some for you too, if you want it."

   When they were back inside, they saw a strange sight. OK, so all they ever saw was strange sights, but this was stranger. Cyril's wife, the mess of a heap, was glowing in a pale blue light. It crackled all over her, crawling around her body like snakes on speed. She stood there unmoving, either by choice or by force. Suddenly, she was covered in a cone of blue light, and they all covered their eyes. A loud sound like a burp was heard, and then nothing. They opened their eyes. The heap was gone, replaced by a woman with long dark hair and a look of surprise on her face. She seemed to have a small third eyebrow above her left eyebrow, but looked otherwise normal. 

   Cyril broke out in a smile. "Darling!" he shouted. "Welcome back!" He ran over and embraced her warmly.

   She continued to look surprised. 

   Cyril looked concerned. "Darling?" He looked into her eyes. Her mouth opened.

   "Beep," she said.

   "Hm, I was afraid of this. When she eventually returned from the zygosian dimensional interregnum like I knew she would, it would be a little disorienting. I only hope her brainwaves haven't been compromised." He frowned. 

   "What would happen then?" asked Billy Bob. 

   "She'd be left with a completely blank mind! I'd have to re-educate her from scratch, and I simply don't have the time. I'd have to leave her with others, and who can you trust in this day and age? Probably some seedy tutors who got their degrees from a back alley diploma gang! No, no, that won't do. Well," he sighed. "I guess I'll have to have her tag along and do what I can do."

   After they had all dressed in warmer clothing, they stepped outside to begin their journey to the ice castle. However, right outside was an odd being. It looked like a penguin, but pink and green instead of black and white. It shimmered and separated into two of them. 

   "Greetings!" said Penguin One. 

   "Follow us!" said Penguin Two. 

   When our gang looked hesitant, the penguins glowed and tendrils of light zapped out and stung them. 

   "The Emperor is waiting," they said in unison.

   Everybody started walking.

...to be continued.

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

       

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #11

    After they had gorged on the onion and badger anus sandwiches with insect husks (actually they were peanut butter and jellied eyes, which is a bit better, I suppose), they settled in to the journey. 

   They tried singing songs about boating, but all they knew was one about throwing rocks at people and laughing. They tried to adapt it to their situation, but nothing rhymes with "stupid asshole". Malarkey's wound had stopped bleeding, but for a couple hours he fancied he was turning into a skeleton. Snarky pointed out that everyone had a skeleton inside them, but Malarkey punched him on the arm. 

   Just when everyone was getting really bored and about to take a vote on who to cannibalize first, a bird came screaming out of the sky at them. Well, it wasn't really screaming. It was its birdcall, but one of those really annoying ones, like people who can't help talking at you with a loud screechy nasal voice. The bird, some sort of green and black one, landed on Tinky's head. 

   "Augh!" he screamed, and batted at the bird with his hands. The bird just calmly pecked at his fingers.

   "I say, old chap, would you kindly stop doing that? Most rude." The bird preened its feathers while everyone stared at it. It then flapped off Tinky's head and settled on the rim of the boat.

   "A talking bird?" gaped Stumpy, his flappy feet flapping nervously.

   "Yes, quite. Obviously. I say, are all of you doing all right?" said the bird.

   They kept staring.

   The bird continued. "You know, well-fed, happy, no serious injuries?"

   Malarkey looked at his leg. "Well..."

   "So nothing then. Good, good." The bird flapped its wings a bit. "Oh, how rude of me. Let me introduce myself. I am called Sir Wredrick Wrobley Wren-Wright. The third." He bowed.

   "Anyone got a match?" said Snarky. "I feel like having some fried chicken."

   Sir W flapped up out of reach of the ravening crowd. "Now, now! Let's not be hasty! After all, you've only been on the river for two days."

   "You try eating sticky eyeball sandwiches, see how you like it!" snarled Snarky.

   "I can tell you where to get some better food, if you'll stop grasping for my tender bits."

   "Oh yeah? Where? I don't see anything but water and distant trees as far as the eye can see!" said Malarkey. "This epic quest sucks."

   "Well, do any of you have any sort of weapon?" said Sir W.

   "Why---"started Stumpy.

   Before anyone could speak, a huge fish or some other monster burst from the water in front of them. It seemed to have too many fins and a ridiculous amount of teeth. Strangely, it only had one big eye, and that was topped with a bushy eyebrow. At the top of its arc, it bellowed something that was probably rude, but with a mouth full of water and jagged teeth, it was hard to tell.

   "Get it! Get it now!" yelled Sir W, who started firing small, thin knives at the beast. 

   Snarky and Tinky threw half-eaten sandwiches. 

   Sir W kept firing the knives at the fish. Where he stored them could not be explained here or even later, really. They just kept a-comin'. They hit the target over and over, sticky fish blood spurting out and forming a rainbow in the air. The creature bellowed in pain and thrashed its fins and rolled its one eye. The bird kept yelling battle cries as it fired knife after deadly slim knife. 

   After a minute of this, Sir W stopped. "Why aren't you chaps attacking? The beast is good eating!"

   "Well, uh," said Snarky. "First of all, the fish thing is just sort of hanging in the air without coming back to the water. Second it doesn't seem to be hurt at all. And third, where are you getting all those knives from?"

   "Yeah, this seems very suspicious," added Malarkey.

   The bird sighed. "Oh, all right. You got me, folks. It was all an elaborate scheme."

   "Scheme? For what?" asked Stumpy, flapping his feet.

   "A promotion for my new venture---Sir W's Fun Emporium! Thrills, chills, and spills! You're in constant danger of dying, but it's all just for fun! Almost nobody will actually die. What do you think?"

   "I think it sounds stupid. There are real monsters trying to really kill us," said Snarky. "Why would people pay you for that?"

   "Pay? Oh drat! I knew I forgot something," said the bird.

   The fish turned in the air. A small door popped open just above its eye and a small bird-like woman poked her head out. "What? I thought you said you'd have it all figured out! I thought you said this idea was what it would take to finally enable us to buy that cottage in the country!" She got back in the fish, which was actually some sort of flying vehicle, and turned the machine so it faced Sir W. Little motors revved. 

   "Dear," began the bird. He took one look at our crew, then flapped wildly away into the sky, chased by the deranged fish plane. They all watched until they became two small specks and then disappeared.

   "Well, does anyone know if we saw that or hallucinated it?" asked Stumpy.

   "Who cares," growled Snarky. "We need to find---wait, what are we doing on the river anyway? Your dad just shoved us in this boat without telling us where to go."

   "Uh, I dunno..."

   "Your father was just trying to get rid of us!" exploded Snarky.

   "This sucks," grumped Tinky. "I am not amused."

   There was no point in arguing. They all knew that. The day was sunny and hot, and water was wet, the river was wide, and nothing was seen on the shores except trees and the occasional boulder. The area was hilly, which led to them feeling more crowded in by the environment and their situation. They tried to pass the time by playing cards, but since they had no cards, they tried the honour system. Everybody was too grumpy to play fair, which caused arguments and a couple fist fights. Eventually everyone became exhausted and just lay back in the boat. End of day two.

   They all slept through the night. During the night, several flying creatures, too ugly to be called birds, flew around them and stared. When they left, swimming creatures who didn't normally live in the river but now thought it was probably wiser these days, swam up to the boat and also looked at the sleeping group. All of these animals stared very hard and muttered to themselves, and then left. 

   The first rays of hot rising sun hit the sleeping figures and one by one they reluctantly awoke. The river was still the river, the empty shores were still empty, and the boat was still slowly leaking. 

   "Hey! The boat's leaking! Did anybody else notice this?" said Snarky.

   Everyone else noticed that they were all wet. They quickly got up and started cupping handfuls of water and started bailing. It was no good. The boat had leaked steadily during the night and now was barely above water. They tried paddling towards shore, but half of them paddled one way, half the other, and then the paddles broke. 

   "Hey, I think these paddles were just made of bread!" said Malarkey.

   Small river turtles snapped up the soggy bread bits.

   "We're doomed!" cried Tinky. Nobody punched his arm because they were all thinking the same thing.

   Suddenly, a huge whale surfaced beside them. It was black and had red racing stripes. A whale with red racing stripes isn't a whale, it's a submarine.

   "Hey! This isn't a whale! It's a something breen," said Stumpy.

   Submarine!

   "Oh yeah, a submarine." He looked at the rest. "What's a submarine?"

   It was so close that Snarky leaned over and rapped on it. It made a loud metallic sound which echoed quietly inside it.

   A hatch opened on its head, and a figure appeared. It was probably a woman, but who knew in these times of mutations. It might have been a talking bumblebee. The figure spoke.

   "Hi! I'm Della Scaramouche. Get inside, quickly! I think you're going to sink in a couple minutes." She disappeared back inside.

   Tinky leaped out of the boat and onto the whale sub. "C'mon, guys. Let's go."

   Snarky and Malarkey looked at each other, shrugged, and followed. "Might as well."

   Stumpy looked fearful. "But what if she's evil and there are little land piranhas in there? I don't wanna get eaten!"

   Snarky looked back before he got in the sub. "Well, you will die if you stay in the leaky boat. You only might die if you get in here. Your choice."

   Well, that's no choice at all, and Stumpy knew it, but he didn't want to get left behind. Besides, river piranhas are much more dangerous. Land piranhas didn't have very sharp teeth, so it took a lot longer to chew you to death, and while they were doing it, you had time to find a large object to bludgeon it with. 

   When Stumpy had descended into the submarine, he saw all his travelling companions gathered around in a cluster. In front of them was Della and she had two friends. Neither of them looked friendly, in fact, they looked pretty evil. 

   "I knew it!" yelled Stumpy. "Land piranhas or something worse!"

   "Hey, calm down, guy," said Malarkey. "They're not evil. They just have resting evil face."

   They two large men beside Della burst into smiles. "Welcome!"

   Della spoke. "Well, we'll get you all fed and watered and all that, but we don't have much time. Things are afoot, and we have to get out of this river. It may seem tranquil and even a little boring, but it's full of danger. You didn't know this because you were all asleep, but in the night your enemies were checking you out. We don't think they meant to harm you then, but if you were still on the river another night, who knows."

   "What's this all about?" asked Snarky. "We've been roaming through the land at random, and people keep suggesting there's more to know, but nobody will tell us."

   "All in good time," assured Della. "There is much to tell." She started walking down the corridor. "But first you should get some food and rest."

   She stopped in front of a door. "Here are your quarters. We'll come get you after you wash up. This isn't your ordinary submarine---"

   "I still don't know what one is," said Stumpy grumpily.

   "---and you'll find it relatively luxurious."

   They all filed into the room, which was surprisingly big and elegantly decorated in a nautical theme. 

   "See you soon," said Della, and closed the door.

   Which made a loud click as it shut.

   Malarkey went over and checked the handle.

   "Hey, guys. I think she locked us in."

...to be continued.

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

    

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #11

    The screaming stopped suddenly as Perky and Billy Bob landed on all the people. Well, almost landed. Another burst of energy from the tower zapped them and they sort of bounced sideways, landing on a heap of dirty clothes. The heap made a loud sound. 

   "Ow!"

   "I didn't know dirty clothing could talk," said Perky. "Neat!"

   "Ah, maybe if it's some sort a magic clothing, like the kind I used ta wear back when I was a kid," replied Billy Bob.

   Perky looked at him, then at all the people surrounding them, who had at first run away when the carpet was coming in for a crash landing, then had wandered back to see what was going on. Some didn't come back, they continued to gather round the shiny tower and stare up at it, expecting something to happen but not knowing what exactly, or when, or if it was fattening.

   "B-Billy B-Bob, who are these people?" she shivered.

   Just as Billy Bob was going to give her a wise answer, probably, the heap of dirty clothes said "ow!" again and began to move. It moved only a little at first, then more violently. Billy Bob and Perky shook and shimmied, then fell off the carpet onto the soiled ground. Yes, ground is by definition made of soil, but this ground was somehow dirtier than regular dirt. It was the dirty dirt made by generations of people who were gathered around some fantastic object they couldn't manage to break away from, and they cared not a whit for unnecessary activities like hygiene. They ate, did their business, slept, and stared up at the shiny silver tower that sometimes spat forth bursts of wild energy. And they did all of this on one piece of ground. Year after year, standing on layers of their ancestors. Just to make it clear, the stench was incredible. Perky and Billy Bob had been so startled by their almost crash and almost violent death that they hadn't quite registered it at first, but now they did, and they did not like it. 

   "Pee-yoo!" cried Perky. She gathered part of her clothing and pulled it over her face. 

   From under the heap of dirty clothes crawled something that might possibly have been a person, but was now so dirty and rumpled it looked like something a cat puked up and which had somehow learned to talk.

   It stared at our duo and started jumping up and down in a fury.

   "Youuuu homewreckers! You nasty flaccid waxy plastic bags of I-don't-know-what! You come down here like rancid angels with personality defects and wreck my home, my bee-yoo-ti-ful home! I'll make you pay! I'll get youuuu for this!" It had a gravelly voice and spittle flew out of its mouth in almost beautiful arcs of glittering lace made of saliva. It ran over to Billy Bob and started punching him. 

   "Jesus fuck!" yelled Billy Bob. "Quit hammering on my knee, you little bastard!"

   The angry ball of fury was also very short. I mean, like, seriously diminutive. Not in a microscopic way, no, that would be ridiculous, but just short enough to be comical, like a good rest for your drink.

   Meanwhile, all the creepy people surrounding them began to laugh, but since they probably hadn't laughed in about 307 years, it came out more like a creaky door, or a bent, rusty kettle on half steam. 

   "What are youuuu looking at? Once I get my reeevenge on these sky jerks, I'm-a gonna git alla you! You nerds, you clumps, you clots, you roont my beautiful tower!" spittled the angry ball.

   The crowd just hummed slowly.

   "Who," began Billy Bob, "in the seven hells of tarnation are you?"

   The little guy just stared, his mouth open. "Who am I? Who am I? Whoooo are youuuu?"

   Perky jumped up from the ground. "I'm Perky Buttercup! I have come from a long way away, I have seen a lot of creepy and mean people, and I miss my home and my friends and can't wait to get back to them."

   Billy Bob said, "And I am Billy Bob Swamp Abompbompbomp. I met her a little while back, and I aim to help her get back home."

   The angry ball stared some more, then said in a quiet, reasonable voice, "Oh right then. I'm called Cyril Sidgery. Once upon a time I lived in a place called Saham Toney. It's near Great Hockham."

   Perky and Billy Bob looked blank.

   "You know, in England?"

   Still blank.

   "You've never heard of England?" Head shakes. "Then where in blazes am I?"

   "Well, near as I can figure, in the middle of nowhere, at the foot of a mysterious metal tower that shoots out fingers of energy. And the people of this town are so hypnotized by it, they stand around staring at it until they drop dead," said Billy Bob.

   "Did you see a weird light in the east?" asked Perky.

   "Now that you mention it, yes, I did. I was working on a new kind of energy transmitter, and it started to act up just after there was a weird light in the east. The ground began to shake, even though there's never any earthquakes in England, and my tower emitted a huge burst of light. I was knocked out, and I woke up here. I have no idea how long I was out." Cyril looked a little disturbed.

   "Well, these people, and all the dead bodies, look like they've been here a long time, but then again, since that weird light in the east, things have been mighty strange hereabouts." Billy Bob stroked his chin. "I wonder if your tower and the light are connected? I wonder if time has been distorted so that what might be three hundred years here are only three hundred minutes back in Ankleland."

   "England. Not 'Ankleland'". 

   "Well, I've never been there, so I'll have to take your word for it."

   Just then Perky noticed that more and more people were turning away from the tower and towards our little group. The people were very skinny and pale, and looked like they only ate when absolutely necessary, and that that time was now. Their hollow eyes sunk further into their faces, their lips pulled back to reveal yellow, cracked teeth that in some cases had turned into sharp, black splinters, and their skeletal fingers extended out, tipped with dangerous looking fingernails. They shuffled closer.

   "Good lord!" exclaimed Cyril. "Quick, follow me!"

   He ran around the side of the tower, Billy Bob and Perky close behind. Cyril pulled out a small box from his dirty folds, and pointed it at the smooth metal wall. A door which had been totally invisible was now visible, sliding into the structure. They all tumbled in and fell to the floor. Cyril pointed the box at the doorway and it shut quickly. The faint thud of angry, hungry bodies hitting the metal wall outside made them all shiver. It was very dark inside. Cyril clapped his hands and they were flooded with light.

   "This," he said, getting up and waving his arm, "is my laboratory. You see, despite what I may look like, I am in actual fact, an inventor!" He beamed triumphantly.

   The other two had no idea what any of the stuff was in the room, so they just stared blankly. Cyril noticed their lack of enthusiasm, so he began speaking rapidly.

   "Er, uh, well, you see, it mostly has to do with the efficient transmission of an endless, cheap supply of energy. There's some stuff over there that has to do with making square bread, but ignore that. My main goal in life is to make energy enough for everybody!"

   "For what reason?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Well, so they can use their devices and machines and never run out of energy! No more dirty oil or coal, or dangerous nuclear energy!"

   "What sort of devices would that be?" Billy Bob asked evenly.

   "You know, lights and washing machines and phones and cars and tellies and big neon billboards and all that sort of thing."

   "I don't think we have any of that here."

   "You don't----then how do things work?"

   Perky spoke up. "They just do! Like these---" she pulled a long string that glowed from a pocket and waved it around so that it created traces in the air. "Isn't it fun?"

   "Remarkable," muttered Cyril. "So you have things that you've made and they just...work?"

   "Sure nuff," said Billy Bob. "Seems like a lot a hassle, tryin' to invent things and expendin' all that energy to create more energy. We just make things and they go. Mostly people here are pretty simple. Yeah, you got some evil overlords ever so often here'n'there who want big fancy things, like havin' their names in lights a hundred feet high in the sky, but after a few years they see how people don't care much for it, and they tend to pack up in the night and go away somewhere else." He thought for a moment. "You know, maybe it's the same one or two who just keep movin' around. Huh."

   "Well, where I'm from, people want a lot of fancy, shiny things that whir and beep and make lights and talk to you," said Cyril.

   "Whoa!" piped up Perky. "That sounds like a bowl of fun! Can you make these things say funny things? Can they be your new best friend?" She jumped up and down.

   "Well, I suppose so, with some of the new..." Cyril trailed off as a loud moaning sound echoed through the room.

   As one, all three looked behind them. That's never good, you know. Loud moaning sounds coming from behind you when you never even knew there was anyone---or anything---there. In fact, none of them should have looked behind them at all. It would have saved them quite a lot of horror, although on the other hand, it would have shortened their lives by quite a wide margin. But look they did. And this is what they saw.

   Imagine a human being that has been dead for a while, but then the death part was dialed back a bit so that it looked sort of alive, but still sort of ill. Various parts didn't quite change back the same, so it looked wonky. Now imagine that while all of this horror was happening, that a cat leaped on the person and was included in the process. So now you had two badly constructed, half-dead things all mushed together. And of course it couldn't walk properly, but it could shuffle fairly fast. I suppose all the moaning could have been the thing trying to say,"Hey! Don't be afraid! It's just me!" But of course your animal mind was just freaking out and looking for a tree to climb, but not finding any, you just ran around in circles. Perky ran around in circles, and Billy Bob tried climbing the walls but only found shelves that he pulled down. 

   Cyril had a different reaction. After a brief but unmistakable jolt of surprise, he looked calmly at the shuffling horror and said three words.

   "Oh, hello dear."

...to be continued.

   

   

   

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #10

   "So," said Mayor Rumpy. "What have you been up to?" He looked at Stumpy with a smile. He spread his arms around his house. He bobbed his head. He put a finger up to his ear, hesitated, then dropped the finger.
   Everyone stood around silently in the silence. Even the dust hugged the walls.
   "Well," started Stumpy.
   Tinky spoke up. "What a cool place you have here! It's all yours? And you're the mayor, too? Is that your wife? Why does she look like that?" He would have gone on, but Malarkey elbowed him so hard he fell over.
   "Actually, dad, we're passing through. I had no idea this village was here, or that I had any family at all. But things are starting to come back to me...It's like my memory was suppressed." He looked at his feet. "Normal feet. For me, anyway."
   "Well, you are home, son," piped up his mother, called Zumpy. "We were wondering when you'd come back." She beamed, but her husband's eyes looked a little jumpy.
   "Er, son, the memory loss was partially my fault. Y'see, after that strange light appeared in the eastern sky....well, actually it was before that. The light just made the plans go faster."
   Stumpy looked at his father. "Plans? What plans?"
   Mother and father looked at each other.
   "Well, y'see, we kinda knew something was going to happen to make the world go bonkers. We didn't know exactly what, just that something was going to happen. We had to prepare you. Of all the people in our village, you were the only one with the ability to deal with all this," said his pop.
   "Because I am naturally intelligent, gifted, and handsome?" replied Stumpy. Snarky guffawed a little. Stumpy stepped on his foot. Snarky cried out in pain, whirled around, bumped into Malarkey, who fell on Tinky, who was pressed into the dirt floor. The dirt was only a thin layer above some even thinner wood, and he fell through that into a small basement. Three glowing skeletons were playing cards at a rickety table. They looked at him. He backed away. They beckoned. He joined them as a fourth.
   "Well, uh, yeah, that, but also because of your ability to...how shall I put it...look before you leap? We needed someone who would run towards danger without really knowing there was danger ahead." The Mayor looked a little sheepish.
   Snarky perked up. "He said you're an idjit!"
   "No no no!" cried Zumpy. "He's brave, courageous, fearless!"
   "And just a little dumb," added the Mayor.
   Stumpy didn't even look mad. "Hey, it's all right. I know I'm not Albert Eyeslide. You really thought I was the best for the job?" He looked pleased.
   "But wait," he said, looking thoughtful, lower lip pushed out. "Why would you give me this fantastic mission, but not tell me what it was or that I was doing it?"
   Snarky piped up again. "Because they thought you'd mess it up, dorkosaurus!"
   "We didn't," began Snarky's father, pulling himself up to his full short,"want him to be distracted by needless worries! Anyway, his full memory would have come back when he was close enough to his goal."
   "But how would you know when that was?" asked Stumpy. "Since the light and all the weirdness that's happened since, everyone's been wandering around, not knowing what's going on, afraid that some weird monster was going to get them. We've just been headed toward the east because we have nothing better to do."
   "And that's how most grand quests and adventures usually start. People randomly wandering around getting into trouble, and then having to get out of trouble." The Mayor looked pleased. He'd have to add that to his book of pithy sayings. He read from it every week to the people of the village. They seemed to enjoy it, except for the skeletons. Scrawny bastards were hard to impress.
   "So you really come from a family that has no idea about anything, huh?" Snarky chuckled.
   "Shut up!" yelled Stumpy. He jumped Snarky and began pummelling him. "I am a hero on a quest! You can suck dirty ditchwater!"
   Snarky threw Stumpy off, who landed in the corner. "Calm down, circus clown! I didn't say it wasn't cool."
   Stumpy's mother rustled in. "All of you must be hungry. Let me see what we have to eat."
   The plucky troupe was a little bedraggled. Dust covered them all, and their clothes had seen better days.
   In less time than you'd think, they were all seated at the table, eating and drinking. The food was plain and smelled weird, but it kept the people of the village alive. The drink was some sort of weak liquor that didn't get you drunk, but it made you think you were. The house was simple but spacious, with a main room for living, a kitchen, and a bedroom at the back. There was no bathroom; people just filled the empty houses with their effluent. That was another reason people didn't occupy the unoccupied houses. Of course, maybe people thought they were haunted because they smelled so awful. Who knows? People with feet that big can't have big brains, or so they said at the neighbouring village, but those people had funny little short arms and were frustrated by the simplest of activities, like tying their shoes, or wiping their asses. Talk about a smelly village.
   As they were finishing eating, and telling stories about their journey, Tinky wandered up from the basement.
   "Where the hell were you?" asked Snarky, chewing on something that was probably a leg but he wasn't sure.
   "I was playing poker with the skeletons in the basement. I lost a lot of money. Talk about poker faces!"
   "You have money?" said Malarkey. "You've been holding out?"
   "Of course I don't have any money. They're skeletons. I handed them playing cards and told them it was money."
   Everyone laughed and laughed. The skeletons marched past and stared at everyone. One by one they pointed a bony finger and nodded. It sounded like a symphony of poorly-tuned pianos. The skeletons were swearing revenge on their enemies, but the people didn't know that. It didn't really matter, because skeletons have terrible memories, due partly to not having meaty brain tissue, but also because they got high a lot.
   "So, Mayor dad, what do we do now? Is the quest still on?" asked Stumpy, flapping his feet in the way all the people in the village did after a big meal.
   "Of course! It's even more vital than it was yesterday, which was more vital than the day before that....well, you get the idea."
   "Are you going to outfit us with supplies and weapons?" Stumpy looked hopeful.
   "Well, not exactly. We are a poor village, as you can see. We barely have enough for ourselves. And while it's been a real bowl of oranges to see you, we didn't expect you to come this way. We thought you'd go the northern route. Fewer monsters that way." Mayor Rumpy looked pleased for some reason.
   "Fewer monsters? There are monsters everywhere!" said Snarky.
   "Yes, well, I guess they're a little more polite about chewing your raw guts. I don't know. I'm just the mayor!"
   Stumpy's mother Zumpy spoke. "Your father didn't want to mention it, but I think he was hoping you'd avoid our village because of what happened when you left."
   The mayor looked at his feet.
   "What happened when I left?" asked Stumpy. "Mother? Father?"
   "Well," continued Zumpy. "You remember that girl Clumpy Flapdroop? The one that was dating that skeleton hoodlum? At the big midsummer bonfire, you got drunk on mouse wine and started coming on to her. She was even drunker than you on dirt and tonic, and when her bonefriend found you, he started attacking you. You both fought up and down the village square, until you both fell in the river. You know how the skels hate the river---it causes them to fall apart. Well, your father had to think quick. He drugged you to make you lose your memory temporarily, then snuck you out in the middle of the night. The skeletons vowed revenge. The next morning they totally forgot about it, of course, but for a few hours it was pretty scary. Lots of blood and teeth."
   "Wow, that's a pretty great story! But why should that be a problem now? The skeletons won't have remembered."
   His father opened his mouth. "No, son, but Clumpy does. She was really mad. She was in love with that skeleton, and she's sure to get news that you're back. She's always been a bit short-tempered, when she's not high on bone dust, so who knows what might happen. You'd better get out while the gettin's good. We can give you a boat and a little food."
   All of a sudden, there were loud noises outside, as if a short angry high woman and a gang of riled up skeletons were anxious to kill someone. OK, so there were only ten skeletons (the rest were playing poker), but friend, if you've ever gotten into a fight with a skeleton, you know it's bad voodoo. There's no soft flesh to hit, only bone, and you go try punching bones one day and see how you like it, smart aleck. Anyway, they had a job to do. Remember the strange light in the eastern sky? All the weird stuff that happened after that didn't just disappear! Jeez, some people.
   "No time for chitchat!" yelled the mayor. He shoved all the supplies and food at our gang, and told them to head for the river. "The boat's hidden under some dead skeletons on the riverbank."
   "How can you tell a skeleton's dead?" asked Tinky, looking a little nervous.
   "It's not biting your head off!" yelled Stumpy and his parents at the same time.
   The loud crowd noises got louder and crowdier, so they all took off by the back door, which was really just a hole in the wall covered with an old sheet. As they ran to the river, they sang rousing escape songs, such as "If I Don't Escape, Don't Bother Throwing Me A Surprise Birthday Party", and "One Gun, Three Knives, and I Dropped Them A While Back". A few skeletons spotted them running, and gave chase. The clattering sound the bones made when running caused Malarkey to start laughing, so Snarky punched him on the arm.
   One skeleton jumped on Stumpy's back, but he turned around and with a mighty kick of his ridiculous feet, sent it flying. Clumpy started screaming at the skeletons to get that evil, beautiful Stumpy, which sends out mixed messages if you ask me. The skeletons tried their hardest, but let's face it, they're disorganized at heart. Our collection of unlikely adventurers made it to the river without much fuss. I mean, come on. Skeletons? Sure, they look creepy, but they have no strength.
   They all scrambled into the boat, which was surprisingly roomy but unsurprisingly crappy, and shoved off. Clumpy jumped up and down among her fallen skeleton companions, screaming at Stumpy that she hated him but also would he write?
   "Man, that's one messed up dame," observed Malarkey.
   "Man, that's one messed up village," said Snarky.
   "Oh, how I've missed it," said Stumpy mistily.
   "I miss nothing," said Tinky Dingbat. "I'm tough."
   Snarky threw a small blanket over Tinky.
   They had been floating down the river for a few minutes, when Malarkey poked under some more blankets. "Hey, what did your parents give us, Stumpy? Any good stuff?"
   "How should I know," he said.
   Suddenly, from under the blankets a bony arm shot out, and pierced Malarkey in the leg with a sharp finger. It was a skeleton, hidden under some worn out blankets. It straightened up, eyes glowing a weird red. A cold wind whipped up on the river. Its mouth opened.
   "You...will...all...die..." Its voice was unearthly and a little dry. With a cackle, it jumped overboard and swam to the shore.
   "Holy shit!" everyone yelled.
   Stumpy looked scared. "I've never heard a skeleton talk. Or seen one able to survive in the river."
   Tinky looked up with big eyes. "What do you think it means? Will we all die?"
   The boat continued floating down the river. The cold wind had disappeared. The river was wide and long. Trees and mountains dotted the distance.
   "Well, I might!" cried Malarkey. "That skeleton cut me." He pointed to his leg, where a little blood was seeping out.
   "Toughen up, man," said his brother Snarky. "You'll be fine."
   "Yeah, but my pants are ruined!"
   Stumpy spoke to the rest of them. "Hey, folks. We might have a bigger problem."
   "What's that?" said Snarky.
   Stumpy held up a sack. "I looked at the food."
   Everyone stared at him, waiting for him to finish. Stumpy's mouth opened.
   "Onion and badger anus sandwiches with insect husks."


...to be continued.