The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #3

   The sucking watery sounds seemed to go on forever, but it was really only about five minutes, five minutes in which Perky Buttercup screamed silently in wet darkness. Around her were various other objects along for the ride, too, some of them soft and wriggly, some harder and festooned with fangs. After Perky spent some time deciding if this was enjoyable or not, a small light expanded rapidly and with a loud POP she was ejected from the tube into a wide marshy area.
   "Oof!" she spluttered. She looked around. In the time she had been in the mall, darkness had fallen, or maybe it was just dark here. It was hard to tell. The little ball creatures with the O mouths and the sad eyes were sort of piled up in a big wet mass that resembled sad poo. A few of them struggled and keened, their piteous plaints lost in the misty wilderness setting. One of the shark creatures was buried under this pile, a toothy grin the only thing you could see. It struggled to wave its knife around, but gave up and laughed.
   Perky shivered. It was cold here, something she didn't like and wasn't used to. Wasn't used to...she had a vague memory of a warmer place. Hell? No, that wouldn't be fun at all. Sure, Hell was probably party central, but burning alive and being prodded with pitchforks by demons sounded like a drag. She tried to stay positive. Hell wasn't misty and filled with reeds, was it? She looked around, but as the day was fading, it was hard to see much. She thought she could make out some hills not too far away, but maybe they were clouds. Her lip quivered. Hills, clouds, dead things, mist....it was all too much. She felt strange. Events of the past week were swirling around her mind, full of nasty, dirty people doing nasty, dirty things. People who were mean and wore such dull clothing. She thought maybe their nice bright clothes were at the laundry, but she knew that that couldn't be true for everyone. She tried to get up, walked a few steps in the muck, but fell on her face. Splat.
   As she tried to pick herself up, she suddenly flew into the air like magic.
   "Magic is real! Magic is here! I can fly!" she exclaimed.
   A voice as reedy as the marsh seemed to come out of nowhere, but was really attached to the man whose hand had picked Perky out of the mire.
   "Not magic, just me, little one." He plucked her out of the marsh and plopped her onto relatively dry ground.
   She looked up at him. He was tall, tall and thin and he waved, much like the reeds. "Who are you and where did you come from?"
   "Me? My name's Billy Bob Swamp Abompbompbomp, and I come from here. Well, not this marsh, but nearby. I got myself a little cabin. Ain't much, but I can't complain. Some people live in the mud. I got a bed and a chair, too, and a little shelf for my book. In the corner's a little stove. Keeps me warm, mostly anyways. Cabin ain't that big, so I can't stand up too regular, kinda hunched over. I mostly go outdoors so I can stretch. If it's too rainy or too late, I go inside and read for a spell, then I fall asleep. Are you hungry?" He looked at Perky, who was wobbling a bit.
   She looked up at him. "You're so different. Are you going to kill me?"
   Billy Bob looked at her and barked a laugh. "Haha, no, I don't think so, little one." He stroked his chin, which had some sparse growth of hair. "Say, you came out a that drainpipe, didn't you? I hear it runs all the way from that old mall over the hill. I never been, mostly because it hasn't been up and running since I was a kid, but also because I don't got no money. Besides, I ain't exactly the height of fashion." He chuckled, and looked down at his clothes, which were made from sewing together bits of other clothes. Then he looked back at Perky, who looked green. He picked her up and brought her to his cabin, which was only a minute's walk away.
   He wrapped an old blanket around her shoulders, and gave her a cup of what might have been hot chocolate. "So, what's yer name?"
   Perky took a sip of the liquid and her face froze. Well, it was warm anyway. "My name's Perky Buttercup, and I don't understand anything! I don't think I'm home anymore. Things look different. Instead of friendly faces, I see mean faces with frowns and lines and dirt. Instead of people being glad to see me, I see people who want to hurt me. I thought maybe I wandered into a neighbourhood I hadn't seen before, but I've travelled a long way and it all looks the same. It looks....awful. I don't like feeling bad. I like feeling good! And now I'm scared. The last time I was scared I was three years old and a balloon popped. People danced and sang, but I was still scared of that balloon. And now here I am, wherever here is." She huddled closer to herself.
   Billy Bob looked thoughtful. "Hm, last week, there were some lights in the sky. I didn't pay no mind. I thought they were just some things that overhill people did. But now I ruminate on it, some mighty odd things have been happening since then. Some folk I never seen before came traipsin' through a couple days ago, all dressed up like Tijuana peacocks. I thought they mighta been overhill people, but these people were...clean. They asked if I had any candy, but I ain't had none a that since I was a little kid. They went their way, singing and laughing. Now I think on it, you remind me a bit of them." He got up and went to his small bookshelf and picked up the lone book, a tattered specimen.
   He flipped through the pages. "This here book by a fella named Richard Phillips has some mighty interesting stories about all sorts of peculiar things. Time travel, and parallel dimensions, among others. I wonder if what's been going on has anything to do with that. I wonder..."
   Perky took another sip and looked up at him from the chair. "Could you help me get back home?"
   Billy Bob stroked his chain again and gazed at the ceiling, which was millimetres above his eyes. He looked a little startled, so he sat on his bed. "Well, now Perky, I ain't a learned man. Sure, I been reading this here book a lot, seeing as how it's the only book I had left ever since all my other eight books got eaten by a pack of rabid lady porcupines about ten years ago, but it don't mean I know all the secrets of the universe. Hell, I ain't even been more than five miles from this here cabin in quite a while. I hear tales of the overhill folk, and occasionally people wander by and we get to talkin', so I hear tales of far-off places, but I'm never too sure if they're real or not."
   Perky's eyes shined and got a little moist.
   "Hey! Don't fret! I just said I don't have no personal knowledge of esoteric subjects, but it don't mean I don't know people who might know. I got a friend, name of Abner Oakbucket, he visits sometimes and we jaw and drink til we get tired. I ain't visited him in a bit, so he's due to be blessed by my presence, as the overhill folk say. He'll sure be keen to hear all about you and your plight. He's real into strange stuff. He's got more books than my eyes can eat up, and a lab in his basement full of gadgets I don't even pretend to understand. We'll go see him in the morning."
   Perky smiled. It felt like her first real smile in a long time. She leaped up and threw herself on Billy Bob, giving him a tight hug. "Thank you! Thank you!"
   Billy Bob looked a little embarrassed. "Heh, well there, always glad to help. Now let's get some sleep. It's quite a walk to Abner's. Don't know about you, but I can't do any serious walking unless I've had my beauty sleep. There are also some...uh...obstacles in the way."
   "That's OK Mr. Swamp Abompbompbomp. I can't wait! This will be fun!" Perky beamed.
   "Just call me Billy Bob. Nighty night." He turned out the light and turned in. Tomorrow was another day.


...to be continued.

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #2

   Snarky was in a foul mood. Nothing was as it should be. I mean, a man should be able to shout at people and kick them without them giggling and saying "Whee!". He had to find out what was going on, and he knew the perfect person, his friend Enver Dirtbagge. Enver knew everyone.
   Snarky stood on the sidewalk and hailed a cab. At least he thought it was a cab. Instead of being yellow, it was purple with glitter. The wheels looked like little feet with cartoon shoes. Whatever, a ride's a ride. He hopped in.
   "Take me to Grunt Street!" he snarled.
   The cab driver smiled and said,"OK! That will be so fun. Such a funny name for a street!" He stepped on the gas and tooted the horn. The car's engine didn't go "vroom" and the horn didn't go "honk", but instead everything sort of sighed and tinkled. Snarky's frown deepened.
   The taxi swooped merrily through various streets lined with candy-coloured buildings and happy, healthy people. Snarky wished he had a big scythe he could stick out the window and crop their tops like a farmer in a wheat field. But he thought sadly that more heads would probably sprout from the necks and the new faces would thank him for making today such a fun day. He could keep cutting off the heads, but more and more would grow until these bodies had bunches of heads, waving in the breeze, dozens of friendly voices all saying in beautiful harmony about how they were glad to have such a creative friend. He threw up a little bit in his mouth, and almost cried when the puke tasted like tapioca pudding.
   Finally he saw his destination. Grunt Street, a short lane of one block, a dead-end street for dead-end people. "Let me out here."
   The cab stopped and Snarky hopped out, saying,"You get no fare!", to which the taxi driver said, "That's all right, I'll probably write a song about this experience and grow as a person!"
   "Of course...",trailed off Snarky.
   Number 13, Grunt Street. The home of Enver Dirtbagge, the gruntiest person alive. What he didn't know wasn't worth knowing. Secrets? He was loaded with them. Snarky marched up to the door...which had a big flower painted on it, and there was a welcome mat that said "Welcome, Friend". Snarky made a point of grinding his dirty shoes on it. The dirt looked like Belgian chocolate. He sighed. He didn't bother knocking, he just slammed the door open and entered.
   He shouldn't have been surprised, but was, when instead of a murky interior stuffed with mysterious objects of disreputable origin, all seeming to depict horrific acts, he found paintings of stuffed bunnies frolicking in sunny meadows, and statues of people grinning so hard their faces could have split open.
   "Enver!" he hollered. "Enver! Where are you?"
   A small, round man sauntered from behind a yellow curtain. "Ah, Snarky Snapdragon. Good to see you!"
   "What, no insult?"
   "Of course not, friend! Only smiles and compliments here. Have a seat."
   Snarky and Enver sat down on plush red couches. "What can I do for you?"
   "Something's really wrong with this town. It's all happy and perky and crap. I feel like I got sucked into the Twilight Zone, but it's all candy and teddy bears instead of creepy telekinetic kids and aliens with tentacles. I don't know what to do. Then I thought of you. If anyone knows what's going on, it's Enver Dirtbagge!"
   "Well, first of all, my name is Enver Lovebagge, and second of all, things seem pretty normal to me. You have seemed a little cranky lately. Maybe you'd like a nice hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows."
   Snarky just stared at Enver. "So you don't remember a run-down town filled with crooks, creeps, and cretins? I mean, like yesterday?"
   Enver stroked his double chin. "Hm....no, I don't think so. But lately I have been a little foggy, so who knows."
   Snarky glared at Enver, whose eyes suddenly started to shimmer as if they were going to explode, then they darted to the left.
   "Perhaps you'd like to see some etchings I have recently purchased? They're in the back room," invited Enver.
   Snarky stared at Enver, then sighed and followed him. As soon as they got into the back room, Enver shut the door and grabbed Snarky's jacket.
   "Good lord, man! I've been going crazy trying to figure out what the hell's going on!" Tears streamed from tiny eyes. "I've asked everyone, but they all seem like zombies from the planet of Teletubbies!" He cried on Snarky's jacket.
   "Well, quit yer blubberin' and let's figure it out," said Snarky. "You know, I did notice something weird in the eastern sky last night. I thought it was fireworks or another diaper fire or maybe I was just too drunk. It was a flashing light, sort of a circular effect. It's kind of odd, there being a light in the night sky in the east, when the sun's setting in the west. Did you notice anything?"
   "No," sniffled Enver. "But then, I was drunk myself, in my basement, looking at some old Hardy Boys books. Man, Frank sure gets knocked out a lot. I wonder if he grew up with brain trauma from all those concussions?"
   "Who cares!" yelled Snarky. "It's fiction! They can take blows to the head a million times and it doesn't bother them. And furthermore...."
   He was interrupted by a loud sound coming from a door at the back of the room which led to the basement.
   "What was that?" said Enver.
   "It's your place, what're you asking me for?"
   Loud, heavy footsteps sounded on the stairs, slowly coming up. Thump. Thump. Thump. The door from the basement slowly creaked open. The figure was shaded in darkness. It stepped into the light. Snarky and Enver both gasped at the same time and said in unison:
   "You!"


...to be continued.