The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #11

    The screaming stopped suddenly as Perky and Billy Bob landed on all the people. Well, almost landed. Another burst of energy from the tower zapped them and they sort of bounced sideways, landing on a heap of dirty clothes. The heap made a loud sound. 

   "Ow!"

   "I didn't know dirty clothing could talk," said Perky. "Neat!"

   "Ah, maybe if it's some sort a magic clothing, like the kind I used ta wear back when I was a kid," replied Billy Bob.

   Perky looked at him, then at all the people surrounding them, who had at first run away when the carpet was coming in for a crash landing, then had wandered back to see what was going on. Some didn't come back, they continued to gather round the shiny tower and stare up at it, expecting something to happen but not knowing what exactly, or when, or if it was fattening.

   "B-Billy B-Bob, who are these people?" she shivered.

   Just as Billy Bob was going to give her a wise answer, probably, the heap of dirty clothes said "ow!" again and began to move. It moved only a little at first, then more violently. Billy Bob and Perky shook and shimmied, then fell off the carpet onto the soiled ground. Yes, ground is by definition made of soil, but this ground was somehow dirtier than regular dirt. It was the dirty dirt made by generations of people who were gathered around some fantastic object they couldn't manage to break away from, and they cared not a whit for unnecessary activities like hygiene. They ate, did their business, slept, and stared up at the shiny silver tower that sometimes spat forth bursts of wild energy. And they did all of this on one piece of ground. Year after year, standing on layers of their ancestors. Just to make it clear, the stench was incredible. Perky and Billy Bob had been so startled by their almost crash and almost violent death that they hadn't quite registered it at first, but now they did, and they did not like it. 

   "Pee-yoo!" cried Perky. She gathered part of her clothing and pulled it over her face. 

   From under the heap of dirty clothes crawled something that might possibly have been a person, but was now so dirty and rumpled it looked like something a cat puked up and which had somehow learned to talk.

   It stared at our duo and started jumping up and down in a fury.

   "Youuuu homewreckers! You nasty flaccid waxy plastic bags of I-don't-know-what! You come down here like rancid angels with personality defects and wreck my home, my bee-yoo-ti-ful home! I'll make you pay! I'll get youuuu for this!" It had a gravelly voice and spittle flew out of its mouth in almost beautiful arcs of glittering lace made of saliva. It ran over to Billy Bob and started punching him. 

   "Jesus fuck!" yelled Billy Bob. "Quit hammering on my knee, you little bastard!"

   The angry ball of fury was also very short. I mean, like, seriously diminutive. Not in a microscopic way, no, that would be ridiculous, but just short enough to be comical, like a good rest for your drink.

   Meanwhile, all the creepy people surrounding them began to laugh, but since they probably hadn't laughed in about 307 years, it came out more like a creaky door, or a bent, rusty kettle on half steam. 

   "What are youuuu looking at? Once I get my reeevenge on these sky jerks, I'm-a gonna git alla you! You nerds, you clumps, you clots, you roont my beautiful tower!" spittled the angry ball.

   The crowd just hummed slowly.

   "Who," began Billy Bob, "in the seven hells of tarnation are you?"

   The little guy just stared, his mouth open. "Who am I? Who am I? Whoooo are youuuu?"

   Perky jumped up from the ground. "I'm Perky Buttercup! I have come from a long way away, I have seen a lot of creepy and mean people, and I miss my home and my friends and can't wait to get back to them."

   Billy Bob said, "And I am Billy Bob Swamp Abompbompbomp. I met her a little while back, and I aim to help her get back home."

   The angry ball stared some more, then said in a quiet, reasonable voice, "Oh right then. I'm called Cyril Sidgery. Once upon a time I lived in a place called Saham Toney. It's near Great Hockham."

   Perky and Billy Bob looked blank.

   "You know, in England?"

   Still blank.

   "You've never heard of England?" Head shakes. "Then where in blazes am I?"

   "Well, near as I can figure, in the middle of nowhere, at the foot of a mysterious metal tower that shoots out fingers of energy. And the people of this town are so hypnotized by it, they stand around staring at it until they drop dead," said Billy Bob.

   "Did you see a weird light in the east?" asked Perky.

   "Now that you mention it, yes, I did. I was working on a new kind of energy transmitter, and it started to act up just after there was a weird light in the east. The ground began to shake, even though there's never any earthquakes in England, and my tower emitted a huge burst of light. I was knocked out, and I woke up here. I have no idea how long I was out." Cyril looked a little disturbed.

   "Well, these people, and all the dead bodies, look like they've been here a long time, but then again, since that weird light in the east, things have been mighty strange hereabouts." Billy Bob stroked his chin. "I wonder if your tower and the light are connected? I wonder if time has been distorted so that what might be three hundred years here are only three hundred minutes back in Ankleland."

   "England. Not 'Ankleland'". 

   "Well, I've never been there, so I'll have to take your word for it."

   Just then Perky noticed that more and more people were turning away from the tower and towards our little group. The people were very skinny and pale, and looked like they only ate when absolutely necessary, and that that time was now. Their hollow eyes sunk further into their faces, their lips pulled back to reveal yellow, cracked teeth that in some cases had turned into sharp, black splinters, and their skeletal fingers extended out, tipped with dangerous looking fingernails. They shuffled closer.

   "Good lord!" exclaimed Cyril. "Quick, follow me!"

   He ran around the side of the tower, Billy Bob and Perky close behind. Cyril pulled out a small box from his dirty folds, and pointed it at the smooth metal wall. A door which had been totally invisible was now visible, sliding into the structure. They all tumbled in and fell to the floor. Cyril pointed the box at the doorway and it shut quickly. The faint thud of angry, hungry bodies hitting the metal wall outside made them all shiver. It was very dark inside. Cyril clapped his hands and they were flooded with light.

   "This," he said, getting up and waving his arm, "is my laboratory. You see, despite what I may look like, I am in actual fact, an inventor!" He beamed triumphantly.

   The other two had no idea what any of the stuff was in the room, so they just stared blankly. Cyril noticed their lack of enthusiasm, so he began speaking rapidly.

   "Er, uh, well, you see, it mostly has to do with the efficient transmission of an endless, cheap supply of energy. There's some stuff over there that has to do with making square bread, but ignore that. My main goal in life is to make energy enough for everybody!"

   "For what reason?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Well, so they can use their devices and machines and never run out of energy! No more dirty oil or coal, or dangerous nuclear energy!"

   "What sort of devices would that be?" Billy Bob asked evenly.

   "You know, lights and washing machines and phones and cars and tellies and big neon billboards and all that sort of thing."

   "I don't think we have any of that here."

   "You don't----then how do things work?"

   Perky spoke up. "They just do! Like these---" she pulled a long string that glowed from a pocket and waved it around so that it created traces in the air. "Isn't it fun?"

   "Remarkable," muttered Cyril. "So you have things that you've made and they just...work?"

   "Sure nuff," said Billy Bob. "Seems like a lot a hassle, tryin' to invent things and expendin' all that energy to create more energy. We just make things and they go. Mostly people here are pretty simple. Yeah, you got some evil overlords ever so often here'n'there who want big fancy things, like havin' their names in lights a hundred feet high in the sky, but after a few years they see how people don't care much for it, and they tend to pack up in the night and go away somewhere else." He thought for a moment. "You know, maybe it's the same one or two who just keep movin' around. Huh."

   "Well, where I'm from, people want a lot of fancy, shiny things that whir and beep and make lights and talk to you," said Cyril.

   "Whoa!" piped up Perky. "That sounds like a bowl of fun! Can you make these things say funny things? Can they be your new best friend?" She jumped up and down.

   "Well, I suppose so, with some of the new..." Cyril trailed off as a loud moaning sound echoed through the room.

   As one, all three looked behind them. That's never good, you know. Loud moaning sounds coming from behind you when you never even knew there was anyone---or anything---there. In fact, none of them should have looked behind them at all. It would have saved them quite a lot of horror, although on the other hand, it would have shortened their lives by quite a wide margin. But look they did. And this is what they saw.

   Imagine a human being that has been dead for a while, but then the death part was dialed back a bit so that it looked sort of alive, but still sort of ill. Various parts didn't quite change back the same, so it looked wonky. Now imagine that while all of this horror was happening, that a cat leaped on the person and was included in the process. So now you had two badly constructed, half-dead things all mushed together. And of course it couldn't walk properly, but it could shuffle fairly fast. I suppose all the moaning could have been the thing trying to say,"Hey! Don't be afraid! It's just me!" But of course your animal mind was just freaking out and looking for a tree to climb, but not finding any, you just ran around in circles. Perky ran around in circles, and Billy Bob tried climbing the walls but only found shelves that he pulled down. 

   Cyril had a different reaction. After a brief but unmistakable jolt of surprise, he looked calmly at the shuffling horror and said three words.

   "Oh, hello dear."

...to be continued.

   

   

   

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #10

   "So," said Mayor Rumpy. "What have you been up to?" He looked at Stumpy with a smile. He spread his arms around his house. He bobbed his head. He put a finger up to his ear, hesitated, then dropped the finger.
   Everyone stood around silently in the silence. Even the dust hugged the walls.
   "Well," started Stumpy.
   Tinky spoke up. "What a cool place you have here! It's all yours? And you're the mayor, too? Is that your wife? Why does she look like that?" He would have gone on, but Malarkey elbowed him so hard he fell over.
   "Actually, dad, we're passing through. I had no idea this village was here, or that I had any family at all. But things are starting to come back to me...It's like my memory was suppressed." He looked at his feet. "Normal feet. For me, anyway."
   "Well, you are home, son," piped up his mother, called Zumpy. "We were wondering when you'd come back." She beamed, but her husband's eyes looked a little jumpy.
   "Er, son, the memory loss was partially my fault. Y'see, after that strange light appeared in the eastern sky....well, actually it was before that. The light just made the plans go faster."
   Stumpy looked at his father. "Plans? What plans?"
   Mother and father looked at each other.
   "Well, y'see, we kinda knew something was going to happen to make the world go bonkers. We didn't know exactly what, just that something was going to happen. We had to prepare you. Of all the people in our village, you were the only one with the ability to deal with all this," said his pop.
   "Because I am naturally intelligent, gifted, and handsome?" replied Stumpy. Snarky guffawed a little. Stumpy stepped on his foot. Snarky cried out in pain, whirled around, bumped into Malarkey, who fell on Tinky, who was pressed into the dirt floor. The dirt was only a thin layer above some even thinner wood, and he fell through that into a small basement. Three glowing skeletons were playing cards at a rickety table. They looked at him. He backed away. They beckoned. He joined them as a fourth.
   "Well, uh, yeah, that, but also because of your ability to...how shall I put it...look before you leap? We needed someone who would run towards danger without really knowing there was danger ahead." The Mayor looked a little sheepish.
   Snarky perked up. "He said you're an idjit!"
   "No no no!" cried Zumpy. "He's brave, courageous, fearless!"
   "And just a little dumb," added the Mayor.
   Stumpy didn't even look mad. "Hey, it's all right. I know I'm not Albert Eyeslide. You really thought I was the best for the job?" He looked pleased.
   "But wait," he said, looking thoughtful, lower lip pushed out. "Why would you give me this fantastic mission, but not tell me what it was or that I was doing it?"
   Snarky piped up again. "Because they thought you'd mess it up, dorkosaurus!"
   "We didn't," began Snarky's father, pulling himself up to his full short,"want him to be distracted by needless worries! Anyway, his full memory would have come back when he was close enough to his goal."
   "But how would you know when that was?" asked Stumpy. "Since the light and all the weirdness that's happened since, everyone's been wandering around, not knowing what's going on, afraid that some weird monster was going to get them. We've just been headed toward the east because we have nothing better to do."
   "And that's how most grand quests and adventures usually start. People randomly wandering around getting into trouble, and then having to get out of trouble." The Mayor looked pleased. He'd have to add that to his book of pithy sayings. He read from it every week to the people of the village. They seemed to enjoy it, except for the skeletons. Scrawny bastards were hard to impress.
   "So you really come from a family that has no idea about anything, huh?" Snarky chuckled.
   "Shut up!" yelled Stumpy. He jumped Snarky and began pummelling him. "I am a hero on a quest! You can suck dirty ditchwater!"
   Snarky threw Stumpy off, who landed in the corner. "Calm down, circus clown! I didn't say it wasn't cool."
   Stumpy's mother rustled in. "All of you must be hungry. Let me see what we have to eat."
   The plucky troupe was a little bedraggled. Dust covered them all, and their clothes had seen better days.
   In less time than you'd think, they were all seated at the table, eating and drinking. The food was plain and smelled weird, but it kept the people of the village alive. The drink was some sort of weak liquor that didn't get you drunk, but it made you think you were. The house was simple but spacious, with a main room for living, a kitchen, and a bedroom at the back. There was no bathroom; people just filled the empty houses with their effluent. That was another reason people didn't occupy the unoccupied houses. Of course, maybe people thought they were haunted because they smelled so awful. Who knows? People with feet that big can't have big brains, or so they said at the neighbouring village, but those people had funny little short arms and were frustrated by the simplest of activities, like tying their shoes, or wiping their asses. Talk about a smelly village.
   As they were finishing eating, and telling stories about their journey, Tinky wandered up from the basement.
   "Where the hell were you?" asked Snarky, chewing on something that was probably a leg but he wasn't sure.
   "I was playing poker with the skeletons in the basement. I lost a lot of money. Talk about poker faces!"
   "You have money?" said Malarkey. "You've been holding out?"
   "Of course I don't have any money. They're skeletons. I handed them playing cards and told them it was money."
   Everyone laughed and laughed. The skeletons marched past and stared at everyone. One by one they pointed a bony finger and nodded. It sounded like a symphony of poorly-tuned pianos. The skeletons were swearing revenge on their enemies, but the people didn't know that. It didn't really matter, because skeletons have terrible memories, due partly to not having meaty brain tissue, but also because they got high a lot.
   "So, Mayor dad, what do we do now? Is the quest still on?" asked Stumpy, flapping his feet in the way all the people in the village did after a big meal.
   "Of course! It's even more vital than it was yesterday, which was more vital than the day before that....well, you get the idea."
   "Are you going to outfit us with supplies and weapons?" Stumpy looked hopeful.
   "Well, not exactly. We are a poor village, as you can see. We barely have enough for ourselves. And while it's been a real bowl of oranges to see you, we didn't expect you to come this way. We thought you'd go the northern route. Fewer monsters that way." Mayor Rumpy looked pleased for some reason.
   "Fewer monsters? There are monsters everywhere!" said Snarky.
   "Yes, well, I guess they're a little more polite about chewing your raw guts. I don't know. I'm just the mayor!"
   Stumpy's mother Zumpy spoke. "Your father didn't want to mention it, but I think he was hoping you'd avoid our village because of what happened when you left."
   The mayor looked at his feet.
   "What happened when I left?" asked Stumpy. "Mother? Father?"
   "Well," continued Zumpy. "You remember that girl Clumpy Flapdroop? The one that was dating that skeleton hoodlum? At the big midsummer bonfire, you got drunk on mouse wine and started coming on to her. She was even drunker than you on dirt and tonic, and when her bonefriend found you, he started attacking you. You both fought up and down the village square, until you both fell in the river. You know how the skels hate the river---it causes them to fall apart. Well, your father had to think quick. He drugged you to make you lose your memory temporarily, then snuck you out in the middle of the night. The skeletons vowed revenge. The next morning they totally forgot about it, of course, but for a few hours it was pretty scary. Lots of blood and teeth."
   "Wow, that's a pretty great story! But why should that be a problem now? The skeletons won't have remembered."
   His father opened his mouth. "No, son, but Clumpy does. She was really mad. She was in love with that skeleton, and she's sure to get news that you're back. She's always been a bit short-tempered, when she's not high on bone dust, so who knows what might happen. You'd better get out while the gettin's good. We can give you a boat and a little food."
   All of a sudden, there were loud noises outside, as if a short angry high woman and a gang of riled up skeletons were anxious to kill someone. OK, so there were only ten skeletons (the rest were playing poker), but friend, if you've ever gotten into a fight with a skeleton, you know it's bad voodoo. There's no soft flesh to hit, only bone, and you go try punching bones one day and see how you like it, smart aleck. Anyway, they had a job to do. Remember the strange light in the eastern sky? All the weird stuff that happened after that didn't just disappear! Jeez, some people.
   "No time for chitchat!" yelled the mayor. He shoved all the supplies and food at our gang, and told them to head for the river. "The boat's hidden under some dead skeletons on the riverbank."
   "How can you tell a skeleton's dead?" asked Tinky, looking a little nervous.
   "It's not biting your head off!" yelled Stumpy and his parents at the same time.
   The loud crowd noises got louder and crowdier, so they all took off by the back door, which was really just a hole in the wall covered with an old sheet. As they ran to the river, they sang rousing escape songs, such as "If I Don't Escape, Don't Bother Throwing Me A Surprise Birthday Party", and "One Gun, Three Knives, and I Dropped Them A While Back". A few skeletons spotted them running, and gave chase. The clattering sound the bones made when running caused Malarkey to start laughing, so Snarky punched him on the arm.
   One skeleton jumped on Stumpy's back, but he turned around and with a mighty kick of his ridiculous feet, sent it flying. Clumpy started screaming at the skeletons to get that evil, beautiful Stumpy, which sends out mixed messages if you ask me. The skeletons tried their hardest, but let's face it, they're disorganized at heart. Our collection of unlikely adventurers made it to the river without much fuss. I mean, come on. Skeletons? Sure, they look creepy, but they have no strength.
   They all scrambled into the boat, which was surprisingly roomy but unsurprisingly crappy, and shoved off. Clumpy jumped up and down among her fallen skeleton companions, screaming at Stumpy that she hated him but also would he write?
   "Man, that's one messed up dame," observed Malarkey.
   "Man, that's one messed up village," said Snarky.
   "Oh, how I've missed it," said Stumpy mistily.
   "I miss nothing," said Tinky Dingbat. "I'm tough."
   Snarky threw a small blanket over Tinky.
   They had been floating down the river for a few minutes, when Malarkey poked under some more blankets. "Hey, what did your parents give us, Stumpy? Any good stuff?"
   "How should I know," he said.
   Suddenly, from under the blankets a bony arm shot out, and pierced Malarkey in the leg with a sharp finger. It was a skeleton, hidden under some worn out blankets. It straightened up, eyes glowing a weird red. A cold wind whipped up on the river. Its mouth opened.
   "You...will...all...die..." Its voice was unearthly and a little dry. With a cackle, it jumped overboard and swam to the shore.
   "Holy shit!" everyone yelled.
   Stumpy looked scared. "I've never heard a skeleton talk. Or seen one able to survive in the river."
   Tinky looked up with big eyes. "What do you think it means? Will we all die?"
   The boat continued floating down the river. The cold wind had disappeared. The river was wide and long. Trees and mountains dotted the distance.
   "Well, I might!" cried Malarkey. "That skeleton cut me." He pointed to his leg, where a little blood was seeping out.
   "Toughen up, man," said his brother Snarky. "You'll be fine."
   "Yeah, but my pants are ruined!"
   Stumpy spoke to the rest of them. "Hey, folks. We might have a bigger problem."
   "What's that?" said Snarky.
   Stumpy held up a sack. "I looked at the food."
   Everyone stared at him, waiting for him to finish. Stumpy's mouth opened.
   "Onion and badger anus sandwiches with insect husks."


...to be continued.