"So," said Mayor Rumpy. "What have you been up to?" He looked at Stumpy with a smile. He spread his arms around his house. He bobbed his head. He put a finger up to his ear, hesitated, then dropped the finger.
Everyone stood around silently in the silence. Even the dust hugged the walls.
"Well," started Stumpy.
Tinky spoke up. "What a cool place you have here! It's all yours? And you're the mayor, too? Is that your wife? Why does she look like that?" He would have gone on, but Malarkey elbowed him so hard he fell over.
"Actually, dad, we're passing through. I had no idea this village was here, or that I had any family at all. But things are starting to come back to me...It's like my memory was suppressed." He looked at his feet. "Normal feet. For me, anyway."
"Well, you are home, son," piped up his mother, called Zumpy. "We were wondering when you'd come back." She beamed, but her husband's eyes looked a little jumpy.
"Er, son, the memory loss was partially my fault. Y'see, after that strange light appeared in the eastern sky....well, actually it was before that. The light just made the plans go faster."
Stumpy looked at his father. "Plans? What plans?"
Mother and father looked at each other.
"Well, y'see, we kinda knew something was going to happen to make the world go bonkers. We didn't know exactly what, just that something was going to happen. We had to prepare you. Of all the people in our village, you were the only one with the ability to deal with all this," said his pop.
"Because I am naturally intelligent, gifted, and handsome?" replied Stumpy. Snarky guffawed a little. Stumpy stepped on his foot. Snarky cried out in pain, whirled around, bumped into Malarkey, who fell on Tinky, who was pressed into the dirt floor. The dirt was only a thin layer above some even thinner wood, and he fell through that into a small basement. Three glowing skeletons were playing cards at a rickety table. They looked at him. He backed away. They beckoned. He joined them as a fourth.
"Well, uh, yeah, that, but also because of your ability to...how shall I put it...look before you leap? We needed someone who would run towards danger without really knowing there was danger ahead." The Mayor looked a little sheepish.
Snarky perked up. "He said you're an idjit!"
"No no no!" cried Zumpy. "He's brave, courageous, fearless!"
"And just a little dumb," added the Mayor.
Stumpy didn't even look mad. "Hey, it's all right. I know I'm not Albert Eyeslide. You really thought I was the best for the job?" He looked pleased.
"But wait," he said, looking thoughtful, lower lip pushed out. "Why would you give me this fantastic mission, but not tell me what it was or that I was doing it?"
Snarky piped up again. "Because they thought you'd mess it up, dorkosaurus!"
"We didn't," began Snarky's father, pulling himself up to his full short,"want him to be distracted by needless worries! Anyway, his full memory would have come back when he was close enough to his goal."
"But how would you know when that was?" asked Stumpy. "Since the light and all the weirdness that's happened since, everyone's been wandering around, not knowing what's going on, afraid that some weird monster was going to get them. We've just been headed toward the east because we have nothing better to do."
"And that's how most grand quests and adventures usually start. People randomly wandering around getting into trouble, and then having to get out of trouble." The Mayor looked pleased. He'd have to add that to his book of pithy sayings. He read from it every week to the people of the village. They seemed to enjoy it, except for the skeletons. Scrawny bastards were hard to impress.
"So you really come from a family that has no idea about anything, huh?" Snarky chuckled.
"Shut up!" yelled Stumpy. He jumped Snarky and began pummelling him. "I am a hero on a quest! You can suck dirty ditchwater!"
Snarky threw Stumpy off, who landed in the corner. "Calm down, circus clown! I didn't say it wasn't cool."
Stumpy's mother rustled in. "All of you must be hungry. Let me see what we have to eat."
The plucky troupe was a little bedraggled. Dust covered them all, and their clothes had seen better days.
In less time than you'd think, they were all seated at the table, eating and drinking. The food was plain and smelled weird, but it kept the people of the village alive. The drink was some sort of weak liquor that didn't get you drunk, but it made you think you were. The house was simple but spacious, with a main room for living, a kitchen, and a bedroom at the back. There was no bathroom; people just filled the empty houses with their effluent. That was another reason people didn't occupy the unoccupied houses. Of course, maybe people thought they were haunted because they smelled so awful. Who knows? People with feet that big can't have big brains, or so they said at the neighbouring village, but those people had funny little short arms and were frustrated by the simplest of activities, like tying their shoes, or wiping their asses. Talk about a smelly village.
As they were finishing eating, and telling stories about their journey, Tinky wandered up from the basement.
"Where the hell were you?" asked Snarky, chewing on something that was probably a leg but he wasn't sure.
"I was playing poker with the skeletons in the basement. I lost a lot of money. Talk about poker faces!"
"You have money?" said Malarkey. "You've been holding out?"
"Of course I don't have any money. They're skeletons. I handed them playing cards and told them it was money."
Everyone laughed and laughed. The skeletons marched past and stared at everyone. One by one they pointed a bony finger and nodded. It sounded like a symphony of poorly-tuned pianos. The skeletons were swearing revenge on their enemies, but the people didn't know that. It didn't really matter, because skeletons have terrible memories, due partly to not having meaty brain tissue, but also because they got high a lot.
"So, Mayor dad, what do we do now? Is the quest still on?" asked Stumpy, flapping his feet in the way all the people in the village did after a big meal.
"Of course! It's even more vital than it was yesterday, which was more vital than the day before that....well, you get the idea."
"Are you going to outfit us with supplies and weapons?" Stumpy looked hopeful.
"Well, not exactly. We are a poor village, as you can see. We barely have enough for ourselves. And while it's been a real bowl of oranges to see you, we didn't expect you to come this way. We thought you'd go the northern route. Fewer monsters that way." Mayor Rumpy looked pleased for some reason.
"Fewer monsters? There are monsters everywhere!" said Snarky.
"Yes, well, I guess they're a little more polite about chewing your raw guts. I don't know. I'm just the mayor!"
Stumpy's mother Zumpy spoke. "Your father didn't want to mention it, but I think he was hoping you'd avoid our village because of what happened when you left."
The mayor looked at his feet.
"What happened when I left?" asked Stumpy. "Mother? Father?"
"Well," continued Zumpy. "You remember that girl Clumpy Flapdroop? The one that was dating that skeleton hoodlum? At the big midsummer bonfire, you got drunk on mouse wine and started coming on to her. She was even drunker than you on dirt and tonic, and when her bonefriend found you, he started attacking you. You both fought up and down the village square, until you both fell in the river. You know how the skels hate the river---it causes them to fall apart. Well, your father had to think quick. He drugged you to make you lose your memory temporarily, then snuck you out in the middle of the night. The skeletons vowed revenge. The next morning they totally forgot about it, of course, but for a few hours it was pretty scary. Lots of blood and teeth."
"Wow, that's a pretty great story! But why should that be a problem now? The skeletons won't have remembered."
His father opened his mouth. "No, son, but Clumpy does. She was really mad. She was in love with that skeleton, and she's sure to get news that you're back. She's always been a bit short-tempered, when she's not high on bone dust, so who knows what might happen. You'd better get out while the gettin's good. We can give you a boat and a little food."
All of a sudden, there were loud noises outside, as if a short angry high woman and a gang of riled up skeletons were anxious to kill someone. OK, so there were only ten skeletons (the rest were playing poker), but friend, if you've ever gotten into a fight with a skeleton, you know it's bad voodoo. There's no soft flesh to hit, only bone, and you go try punching bones one day and see how you like it, smart aleck. Anyway, they had a job to do. Remember the strange light in the eastern sky? All the weird stuff that happened after that didn't just disappear! Jeez, some people.
"No time for chitchat!" yelled the mayor. He shoved all the supplies and food at our gang, and told them to head for the river. "The boat's hidden under some dead skeletons on the riverbank."
"How can you tell a skeleton's dead?" asked Tinky, looking a little nervous.
"It's not biting your head off!" yelled Stumpy and his parents at the same time.
The loud crowd noises got louder and crowdier, so they all took off by the back door, which was really just a hole in the wall covered with an old sheet. As they ran to the river, they sang rousing escape songs, such as "If I Don't Escape, Don't Bother Throwing Me A Surprise Birthday Party", and "One Gun, Three Knives, and I Dropped Them A While Back". A few skeletons spotted them running, and gave chase. The clattering sound the bones made when running caused Malarkey to start laughing, so Snarky punched him on the arm.
One skeleton jumped on Stumpy's back, but he turned around and with a mighty kick of his ridiculous feet, sent it flying. Clumpy started screaming at the skeletons to get that evil, beautiful Stumpy, which sends out mixed messages if you ask me. The skeletons tried their hardest, but let's face it, they're disorganized at heart. Our collection of unlikely adventurers made it to the river without much fuss. I mean, come on. Skeletons? Sure, they look creepy, but they have no strength.
They all scrambled into the boat, which was surprisingly roomy but unsurprisingly crappy, and shoved off. Clumpy jumped up and down among her fallen skeleton companions, screaming at Stumpy that she hated him but also would he write?
"Man, that's one messed up dame," observed Malarkey.
"Man, that's one messed up village," said Snarky.
"Oh, how I've missed it," said Stumpy mistily.
"I miss nothing," said Tinky Dingbat. "I'm tough."
Snarky threw a small blanket over Tinky.
They had been floating down the river for a few minutes, when Malarkey poked under some more blankets. "Hey, what did your parents give us, Stumpy? Any good stuff?"
"How should I know," he said.
Suddenly, from under the blankets a bony arm shot out, and pierced Malarkey in the leg with a sharp finger. It was a skeleton, hidden under some worn out blankets. It straightened up, eyes glowing a weird red. A cold wind whipped up on the river. Its mouth opened.
"You...will...all...die..." Its voice was unearthly and a little dry. With a cackle, it jumped overboard and swam to the shore.
"Holy shit!" everyone yelled.
Stumpy looked scared. "I've never heard a skeleton talk. Or seen one able to survive in the river."
Tinky looked up with big eyes. "What do you think it means? Will we all die?"
The boat continued floating down the river. The cold wind had disappeared. The river was wide and long. Trees and mountains dotted the distance.
"Well, I might!" cried Malarkey. "That skeleton cut me." He pointed to his leg, where a little blood was seeping out.
"Toughen up, man," said his brother Snarky. "You'll be fine."
"Yeah, but my pants are ruined!"
Stumpy spoke to the rest of them. "Hey, folks. We might have a bigger problem."
"What's that?" said Snarky.
Stumpy held up a sack. "I looked at the food."
Everyone stared at him, waiting for him to finish. Stumpy's mouth opened.
"Onion and badger anus sandwiches with insect husks."
...to be continued.
