"Who is the Emperor?" asked Perky, looking at the penguins. "Is he fun, or...or is he mean?"
Penguins One and Two gave each other significant looks, but said nothing and waddled on.
"Hey! I saw you give each other Significant Looks! That means something!" Perky darted up to them and tugged on their feathers. "Talk to me!"
Penguin One glared at her and shook her off. "Silence is a very attractive quality."
Billy Bob grabbed the penguin. "Now looky here, bub. Don't you be grabbin' her like that. I won't stand for it."
Penguin Two shot a small laser out of its eye, and Billy Bob shot up into the air just a little bit. He settled back down, none the worse for wear except that his ears seemed to glow.
"We are not your enemies," said Penguin Two.
"We are also not your friends," added Penguin One.
"We are your esteemed guides," they said together.
"You're a pair of jerkaholics," mumbled Billy Bob.
Cyril, who had been lagging behind a little, dealing with his wife, whose blank mind meant that she looked in wonder at everything, despite the fact that they were surrounded by nothing but ice and snow, trotted up to them.
"I say, chaps, instead of all this fuss, why don't we wait until we get to the big house and ask the Emperor what's up, what?" He coughed and examined his gloved hands. "After all, it's hardly likely these two would know much about anything, eh?" He looked back at his wife, who was face down in the snow making a snow angel the hard way, and went back to get her.
"But it's so far!" exclaimed Perky a little sadly. "I'm cold."
"Here," said Billy Bob. "Take my coat."
"Won't you be cold, too?"
"Nah, I grew up in cold places."
"Didn't you grow up in the steamy south or something?"
"Not all places are cold because of the weather," replied Billy Bob, as he gazed mysteriously into the distance.
Despite Perky's misgivings, the castle wasn't as far as they thought. The ice and snow made a flat white landscape, which is great for dramatic visuals, but hell on perspective and navigation. Plus it was boring, unless you're a penguin.
Before their exposed skin could turn blue, they were at the gates of the castle.
The penguins turned to look at the group.
"We are here!" they announced unnecessarily. "Welcome to our humble abode!"
The frankly giant doors creaked open dramatically, and they were ushered inside, where it was a hell of a lot warmer. They stamped to shake off the snow and rubbed their hands together.
Unlike the outside of the castle, which was decorated in early minimal bleak, the inside was all warm colours. Too many colours for Cyril's wife, who didn't know how to deal with all the fresh stimulus and just sort of ran at the walls and furnishings, sort of biting it and loudly mumbling. Cyril ran and got her and with some difficulty, pulled her away.
"Wait here," the penguins said imperiously, and then left through a small side door.
"You'd think they were the Emperor," said Billy Bob.
"Billy Bob," said Perky, looking a little worried. "We're going to be all right, aren't we?"
"Sure, yeah we are," he replied. "Ah figure, they can't have brought us all this way to do harm to us. Just wouldn't make a lot of sense." He looked thoughtful. "Unless they're cannibal penguins!"
Perky giggled. "Silly! Cannibal penguins would only eat other penguins!"
"Yeah, ah guess yer right." He smiled a little.
They all walked around and looked at everything. The furniture, the tables, the wall hangings, the cabinets...they all were in various startling colours, and seemed to be in various styles and from various parts of the world. What they were all doing here in a vast ice palace was anyone's guess, but they all knew they would shortly find out.
Cyril looked at a painting on the wall. It showed a big penguin in armour and holding a sword, which was dripping in blood. It stood on a small hill of dead penguins, all separated from various body parts and obviously not just napping. The victorious penguin had a steely gaze that said he was not someone to trifle with, not even a little bit, so don't even think about it, Jack.
"Remarkable piece of, er, art," mumbled Cyril.
His wife was sitting on a bright red couch trying to chew on a pillow, which was also bright red but striped with black.
"No, dear," he said absently, taking it away. "Not until after dinner." She looked a little sad.
The room was undeniably large, but at the same time, it had a certain intimacy. No, that's not it. Maybe the walls were closing in. No, not that either.
"Man, this room sure is stuffed fulla junk," said Billy Bob.
Perky was bouncing on the couch next to Cyril's wife. "But I like the colours!"
A small rat-like machine scuttled from under the couch and raised its head to look at her.
"Do you mind! I have some very important calculations to make!" it said, then darted back under the couch.
Before anyone could react, a door a the far end of the room opened and Penguin One and Penguin Two came in. They both had trumpets and blew on them loudly, which wasn't that pleasant as they didn't know how to play them, then they lowered them and opened their mouths.
"Announcing the arrival of the most Exalted and Holy Emperor of all that is seen, ruler of all the lands that are known and unknown, of the distant sea which is, to our knowledge, still there despite us not having the time lately to go and visit it as much as we did when we were younger and not as burdened with the awesome responsibility of state, through no fault of our own or our Dear Leader..." When they paused to take a breath, they were shoved aside by another penguin, not quite as tall as they were, and looking a little bedraggled. This one had a crown on its head, and its beak was a little crooked.
"THE EMPEROR!" yelled the other penguins.
"Yes, yes, leave us be now. I shall deal with them in my own manner, thank you." The Emperor's voice was a little rough, as if it didn't get used a lot.
When the other penguins had left, the Emperor shuffled over to our group.
They all noticed that there was something off about this penguin. For one, he made a loud rubbing sound, like corduroy pants. For another, his eyes didn't seem to focus on anything, as if they were made of glass. For third, he beckoned them over.
"Oh wow, am I glad to see you! Humans at last! I thought I'd never see humans again. Being surrounded by penguins is bad enough, but giant, angry, annoying penguins is pure torture."
Perky and Cyril's wife looked a little confused, but Cyril spoke up.
"I see the problem here. What we have is not a bona fide penguin, but what appears to be a man in a tattered penguin costume." He fingered the material.
Billy Bob burst out,"Whut th'!"
The Emperor took off his head to reveal the face of a man with a scraggly beard and tired eyes.
"Now what in tarnation is this?" asked Billy Bob. "Why in heck are yuh wearin' a penguin costume and pretendin' to be an emperor?"
"Well," said the so-called Emperor. "I shall tell my story briefly, because I really don't have much time. They're so demanding." He cleared his throat.
"Once upon a time I was a modest nobody by the name of Reginald Runt. One day, bored by my job counting pencils for a madman, which wasn't as interesting as it sounds, I decided to have an adventure. I withdrew my savings and and hired a boat to explore the polar regions. Everybody else went to exotic tropical places, so why not a cold place with no rum drinks? I was soon to regret this decision. Not because of the cold and isolation, which I quite liked, but because of my present situation. I had a fine time exploring a world of grey seas and ice floes, but then one day the captain of the small vessel, who had a stash of rum I didn't know about, got tired of the trip and drank an entire bottle to himself. He yelled angrily about the snow demons who wanted to feast on his unmentionables, took the wheel and crashed the ship on a big ice floe. We all blacked out. When I woke up, the captain and crew were gone, and it was just me. Well, me and a penguin. Funny looking creatures, I thought. Well, not this one. For one, it was as tall as a man, and was carrying a sword. It prodded me to get up, so I did. It marched me across the floe to this place, the ice castle. I was flabbergasted. It took me through a small side door, and into a chamber deep in what I learned later was the dungeon level. It spoke to me in my language, which furthered my confusion. It had a tale to tell, of death and betrayal, which I won't get into now except to say that the old Emperor, a real penguin, had been lured to a distant crevice and pushed in by what he had thought was his friend and confidante. Unknown to him, he had been followed by the penguin who captured me, who was his advisor, and who witnessed the whole sordid affair. Before the betrayer could enjoy his misdeed, my penguin rushed up behind him and pushed him into the same crevice. He had some quick thinking to do. The people couldn't know about this. They were totally brainwashed into thinking the Emperor was godly, infallible, perfect. Too strong to be defeated by something as sneaky as being pushed into a hole. If it came out, society would collapse. He had a little time to work with, because the Emperor had supposedly gone on a little day trip, and while he was walking around trying to think, he spotted my shipwreck. He saw me and a plan came together. He dragged me to the castle, into the dungeon, and explained everything. I was a little light-headed because of the accident, and as well he suggested I might live longer if I agreed to do what he said, so I went along. So here I am, pretending to be the Emperor of this endless waste. I think the high council has its suspicions, but they are also conditioned not to question the Emperor, so it's a tricky deal. I'm glad you're here, so you can help me escape!"
The group looked stunned. Cyril's wife chewed on Reginald's penguin head.
"You one a them escaped lunatics or somethin'?" said Billy Bob.
"No, no, of course not! I realize it's totally ludicrous, but you have to believe me!" He looked around. "Follow me." He motioned for them to follow him through a door that was next to a statue of a penguin with two heads.
Shrugging, they all went in after him. It was a small room, not at all fancy, and it was only filled with two things: a small table, and on it, a small machine with blinking lights.
"This is my escape from this place. I found it in one of the dungeons. I think it's some sort of teleport machine, but I don't know how it works. I think it's missing a piece, but I don't know what or where to find it. I'm getting a little desperate. I hate eating raw fish guts!"
They all looked blank, except for Cyril.
"Good lord," he said. "I have just the part! I found it one day, and knew it belonged to something like this, but I didn't have the machine it fits. Imagine that. How unlikely."
He went over to the machine, and looked at it. Then he took the part from a pocket, and jammed it in. The machine made a sound like a muskrat farting, and the lights began to blink faster. He pulled a small lever on its side. All the lights went out, and they were in darkness. Reginald cursed loudly.
Before he could attack Cyril, the lights came back on and the machine hummed softly. Behind the machine was a soft blue gateway made of light. They all looked at each other.
Before they could decide who would go first, there was loud shouting in the big room they had just left.
"Uh oh," said Reginald. "I think they found my head." It was true. He was missing his Emperor penguin head. He had left it behind. Time to step into the unknown. Without so much as a word, they all popped through the portal one by one, as fast as they could.
...to be continued.
