Perky and Billy Bob burst out of the big green baby's porky bottom and tumbled down the side of a mountain. It was covered in rocks and was on a gentle slope, but still, falling down a mountain isn't pleasant unless you like that kind of thing, which they definitely didn't. As they bounced, small rocks bounced with them, covering them with a spray. With alarm, they saw a very large boulder up ahead, but before they could try to avoid it, they hit it. Imagine their surprise when instead of splatting against it like bags of hospital waste, they made a soft poof! sound and came to a halt.
Perky's eyes opened wide. "Why aren't we dead?"
Billy Bob sat up and touched the boulder. He rubbed it thoughtfully with his fingers. He made little sounds. "Seems like it's a velvet boulder. Very rare. I only ever encountered one before, when I was a young man. It was in a brothel....er, I'll save that story for later."
He got up and walked around the boulder. He stared for a moment, then picked up something and showed it to Perky.
"A carpet?" she said.
"A magic carpet," replied Billy Bob. "Well, this is both convenient and very unlikely." His left eyebrow went up a notch.
"But it has a steering wheel," said Perky.
"A helm," said Billy Bob. "Well, this makes our journey much easier." He looked back up the hill.
Perky did, too. "That big green baby's bottom is sticking out of the mountainside! It must get cold at night."
"I don't think it's aware of the same things we mundane mortals get bothered by. Well, time's a-wastin'. Hop on and we'll take off."
Since they had no luggage, they got on the carpet very fast, although Perky had to step around another boulder (not velvet; she checked) to answer nature's call.
Once they got on, Billy Bob tilted the helm up and they rose. Once they were a good height above the ground, he turned to the east and continued their trek. The mountain slope ended shortly and then they were above a long and wide valley. A river snaked its way through it, and everywhere was greenery. They could see some farms, but they didn't look right. All brown and jumbled looking, as if a tornado had destroyed only the farms. They passed a bird in flight, which looked offended that they were flying without any wings and flew off in a huff.
The daylight glinted off the river, and they saw what looked like boats, but boats that were barely above water. Perky pointed.
"Hey! That looks like a village! We should stop there and ask for directions!"
Billy Bob shook his head. "Nope. That would not be a good idea. Most of the people who live there are skeletons, and the rest just lay around and do drugs. And not even the good ones---just the ones that make you annoying. Also, the people who live there have weird-lookin' feet. They give me the creeps."
Perky looked disappointed. "Well, what's the name of the village? Huh?"
"Pleng!" gasped Billy Bob.
"Pleng? That's the name of the village?"
Billy Bob coughed. "Ah, no, sorry, I had something in my throat. Nobody remembers what its name is. Most people don't even care anyway."
"That's sad," said Perky, looking sad. A single glittery teardrop ran down her cheek, and then the wind snatched it and whipped it away at an incredibly fast speed. It flew through the air until it caught up with the haughty bird and smacked it on its feathery ass. It gave a loud squawk and dropped what I assume was an egg. I assume it was an egg because what happened next would have been a lot grosser if it was something else. The "egg" fell straight down and hit someone on the head. This someone, probably a man but possibly a walking stack of sticks, stopped walking and looked up. Then he wiped the "egg" off his face, tasted it, spat it out, then fell onto the grass at the side of the road and started rolling around. Another man/stack of sticks who had been following a few paces behind saw all this and darted forward.
"Are you OK? Zood! Are you OK?" He started kicking the one on the ground, called Zood, who grunted in pain and grabbed at his travelling companion's legs.
"Vozz! What the dirty plate? Stop kicking me!" Zood tripped Vozz, and now they were both on the ground.
"What for did you fall over?" asked Vozz.
"A egg hit me on the head! Well, maybe it a egg, maybe something else. I taste, it don't taste so good." Zood looked grumpy.
Vozz stuck a finger on the mess on Zood's head and tasted it himself. "Haha! You ain't no big stone! This no egg, it's....it's...well, something else that come out of a bird ass." He giggled.
Zood looked angry. "Like what? Like a worm? Like a arm of someone I don't like?"
Vozz laughed even harder. "No! No!"
Zood punched Vozz on the head. "Tell me!"
"Like shit! Shit!"
Zood looked at Vozz strangely. "Tell me, Vozz. If it shit, then what about the pieces of shell? Huh?"
Vozz stopped laughing. "What you mean?"
Zood showed him. "Look, see, there is pieces of shell in all this mess."
They both looked closely at it. They touched it. They smelled it. They tasted it again.
"I think I know," said Vozz.
"What? Tell me!"
Vozz paused a moment to look important. "I think a bird, or someone strange who live in the air, squeezed out a egg, but the egg....is filled with shit!" He smiled triumphantly.
Zood looked a little hurt. "But why would someone do that? Drop a shit egg on me? I just walk like you just walk, to village of Pleng or whatever, to ask for maybe food or maybe some wax. Why someone drop a shit egg on me? What the matter with them?"
Vozz looked thoughtful. "Maybe you offend someone. Someone who fly in the air."
"I don't know anyone who fly in air! Except bird, but I eat bird! If I eat bird, then nobody to get offended! Problem solved." Zood looked even grumpier.
"Well, then, Zood, my friend, I don't know why someone drop a shit egg on you. Maybe it just one of those days. Maybe tomorrow someone drop some wax or food on you. Then we don't have to go to no dumb village where the dumb skeletons smoke cigars."
Zood shook his head. Something caught his eye. He looked up at the mountain and saw something astonishing. He grabbed Vozz's arm and pointed. "Look! Up on mountainside! It look like big green baby bottom! You know what that mean..."
They looked at each other craftily, then spoke at the same time.
"Free wax, and screw the limits!"
They both got up and scrambled up the side of the mountain.
Meanwhile, back on the flying carpet...
"Why can't we visit the village again?" asked Perky. "I'm hungry!"
Billy Bob reached under the carpet and pulled out a bag. "Here, have some of this."
Perky looked at the bag. "What's in here?"
"Well, there's a good chance there's some food."
"What if there's no food in it?" she asked.
"Well, then, there's a good chance it's a poisonous spider with huge fangs."
Perky screamed. "I hate spiders! I don't wanna look inside!"
"Relax, kid, it's probably food. The last time there was a spider instead of food was eight years ago. And the guy who got bit didn't die. At least not right away."
Perky looked horrified.
Billy Bob grinned. "Ah, he had the croup and was gonna die anyhow." He opened the bag.
"Mm! Pastrami and swiss on rye. My favourite. Here, have one. There's plenty." He handed one to Perky.
As they ate their sandwiches, the carpet flew over the village and the fields beyond. After looking at a lot of quite frankly pathetic land, they flew over another village. It was a lot bigger than the last one, but still kind of rundown. The streets were crooked and didn't seem to run anywhere useful, but there was a tall tower made of some shiny silver metal, right in the middle of the village. On second thought, all the streets led to the tower, and they could see a lot of people gathered around it. Suddenly, from the tippy top of the tower, a wild hairy burst of electricity spouted. The people, who looked like ants but were just ugly, made a loud OOH sound.
"What's that?" asked Perky excitedly. "Can we stop there? That looks fun!"
Billy Bob frowned. "It may look like fun, but have you noticed that village? Nobody does anything. It would be abandoned, except all the people are there, gathered around that tower. In fact, look what they're standing on---the corpses of their neighbours! That's a death trap, is what it is." He steered the carpet away from the village, but almost immediately, another burst of energy exploded from the tower, but this time, a tentacle of it shot straight for the carpet.
The carpet shook, and they were bathed in an eerie glow as their bodies spasmed. Billy Bob lost grasp of the helm, and it spun wildly. The carpet stopped flying forward, and plummeted down, down...
They were going to crash onto the masses of people gathered around the tower. Perky and Billy Bob screamed as they fell, and the little ugly people in the village looked up and screamed as well. The sound of the screams combined with another violent burst of energy from the tower. The sky lit up a spooky red colour.
All seemed lost.
...to be continued.
