The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #9

   Snarky, Malarkey, Stumpy, and Tinky fell off the cliff into the cool air, the sunset cobwebbing its spindly red and orange fingers across their terrified faces. At first they didn't even yell or scream because all of their breaths were stolen by fear. They fell for what seemed like ages, but was really only about five seconds before they fell into some prickly bushes on a ledge just below the one they were on. The relief they felt was replaced by pain as they tried to escape from the bushes, and then they felt fear again as the ledge, thin and ancient, gave way and they once again plummeted to their certain doom. This time they fell a lot longer. A vulture that was flying after a mouse that had also fallen was distracted by our quartet and made a violent U-turn after new, juicier prey, but then realized they were falling far too fast for it to catch. It then turned back to the mouse, but the frightened mouse realized it was a bat, spread its wings and flew back to its cave where it was attacked by some mutant caterpillars with fangs and knives, which caused it to fly in fright back out of the cave where it was noticed by the hungry vulture, which chased it and so on.
   "Those are some dumb animals," said Stumpy.
   "What was that?" asked Tinky.
   "I mean---AUGHHH!" replied Stumpy.
   For some reason Snarky and Malarkey discovered they had a deck of cards between them, so they played 52 Pickup.
   "You get it!", "No, you get it!"
   "Wait a second," said Snarky. "We should be a lot more scared of falling to our certain doom."
   Malarkey sniffed the air. "Ah, we should, but I realized we're in the Apathy Crack. A certain kind of gas is released by the volcanic rocks, and it drugs you. We should be screaming ourselves hoarse."
   "So, when we land with a giant splat, we might do it with a smile on our faces?" said Snarky.
   "Well, most probably."
   They decided to just go with the flow and see what happened. The mountains and valley were spectacularly beautiful. The rock was a sort of brownish red with gold flecks, and the sides were very smooth with occasional ledges sticking out. Sometimes an intrepid plant clung to the side and managed to succeed at living there, feasting on droplets of water that sprayed randomly during storms. The valley below was bisected by a sparkling blue river, surrounded by lush green fields. Small boats floated down the river, and off in the distance was a small village of many colours.
   "Hey, brother, do you think we might fall into the river and survive?" asked Snarky. His normally grumpy demeanour was softened by the gas drug.
   "Possibly, if we aren't cracked in half by surface tension. The river isn't that deep for the most part, although there are some deep pools. You know, we might get out of this after all. On the other hand, we might die, too." Malarkey stared into the distance for a while, then scratched his leg.
   Tinky and Stumpy had managed to grab each other and held on for dear life. Their natural fear wasn't tempered very much by the gas drug. They mostly held on so they didn't get lost.
   The ground got closer and closer. A few people on the ground, farmers and boaters, looked up and their eyes and mouths got wider as they saw the foursome fall ever closer. Our group saw the people on the ground and since the gas drug had worn off right at that very moment, their mouths also opened wide but loud, panicky screams came out. Just as it seemed that all these fine, fine people would meet in a less than ideal way pretty soon, they just stopped.
   Tinky, Malarkey, Snarky and Stumpy were suspended just above the ground, and the ground people, seeing that nothing bad was going to happen, went back to what they were doing, which was stumbling around high on drugs.
   Once they were on the ground safely, our gang decided to walk to the village and see if they could get some food, lodging and a car of some sort, maybe a van with flames on it, or a pickup truck with mag wheels. The villagers just gazed at them in a haze and said, "Sup?"
   The dirt road leading to the village wound its way through the fields, which had some crops growing in them, but mostly just marijuana and coca plants. Occasionally they saw a rotting wooden cart or a skeleton covered in rags by the roadside, but there weren't very many people. The ones they did see seemed high or apathetic, or sometimes a little sad, and once they saw three people playing tiddly winks, but basically it was a whole lot of nothing.
   After they had trudged for a bit, sweaty and dusty, hungry and thirsty, Snarky noticed something.
   "Hey, Stumpy," he said. "All of these people have huge feet, just like you."
   And he was right. The people were short, and they all had very long feet. They also had funny-looking noses, too, but that's not important.
   Stumpy stared at them. He had never seen anyone with feet like his before. He just thought he was a freak, and after many years of drug abuse and therapy, had come to accept it. Now he realized he was some sort of crazy orphan. He ran up to Snarky and punched him in the arm.
   "Ow! What the hell?" yelled Snarky.
   "That's for making fun of me all these years! I'm not a freak! I'm a crazy orphan!"
   Snarky rubbed his arm. "Just because there's a whole village of clown-footed people, doesn't make you any less of a freak, man. In fact, it just magnifies your freakiness. Now I have way more people to make fun of, and because of your bizarre boats, none of you can catch me." He laughed and ran away. Stumpy tried to follow, but his long feet flapped like broken wings, and he just yelled in frustration.
   One of the villagers who wasn't as high as the rest looked at Stumpy and smiled.
   "Hey, dude! You're normal, like us!" He pointed to his feet. "Who're your baby feet friends?"
   "Just some jerks," replied Stumpy, frowning.
   "My name is Humpy Rutabaga. What's yours?"
   "Stumpy Cucamonga."
   "Oh wow! I wonder if you're related to Rumpy Cucamonga. He's the mayor of Pleng."
   "What's Pleng?" asked Stumpy.
   "Pleng is what we call our village. Well, it used to have another name, but then we forgot what it was. The mayor tried to remember for a whole week, and then he fell off a barrel and said 'Pleng' and that's what we call it. Some people wanted to call it Rocket Frog, but that was just an advertising ploy."
   "Well, maybe we should meet your mayor," said Snarky. "We have a lot of things to discuss, like food, water, lodgings..."
   "Oh, that shouldn't be any problem. We got all that stuff. Nobody really comes through here anymore, except if they fall from the mountains, but usually they die in the river." Humpy smiled and pushed his floppy yellow hat back. He turned his head to the left and stared at a skeleton. "Hey, quit slacking off and get back to work!" Then he smiled again and wandered off.
   Our band resumed walking to the village. They passed several people who had draped a skeleton around their shoulders and were laughing maniacally. Most people were smoking pipes that had pungent red smoke coming out of them. They would inhale deeply, and then laugh or cry, and then some would drop to the ground or run off across the fields. Occasionally one would run through the fields, waving their hands, and then fall into the river, where they'd float downstream until the next village. The people of the other villages just pushed them back into the river so they could keep floating, far away from them. Sometimes a few would keep floating for weeks and reach the sea. At that point, mermaids with three eyes would attack and eat them.
   The road wandered this way and that. Strange plants grew there. Some had long stalks with blue and red bulbs on top, some grew across the ground in mats, crossing each other to look like waffles. Pink trees grew, very wide but very short, as if they had been squashed. Nothing grew on the road, partly because of the traffic, but partly because they were afraid to cross the road. They had heard rumours about what happened to the chicken.
   The road was crooked but eventually got to the village. The village gate had fallen down long ago, to be replaced by an old sheet that someone had scrawled 'PLENG' on. It flapped in the breeze as they passed through.
   The village itself was best described as ramshackle. About two hundred people lived there. Some houses were empty, but nobody wanted to get some extra space for themselves, for fear it was haunted. Not all believed in ghosts, but everyone was afraid of the skeletons that lay everywhere, common as weeds.
   Malarkey had heard of this place, but only vaguely. It had had another name, long ago, but nobody remembered what. They all looked at the people lazing around, and the skeletons sitting on chairs with amusing hats on their skulls. Sometimes a skeleton had a cigar between its teeth, or someone had drawn fake eyeglasses on it. The villagers just looked afraid of the bones now.
   "Hey!" said Malarkey to a short doofus with big feet. Oh, and she had a propeller beanie on her head.
   "What do you want?" she said.
   "Well, what's your hilarious name? Why do the skeletons look funny? And where is the mayor whatshisname---", said Malarkey.
   "Rumpy Cucamonga!" exclaimed Stumpy.
   "---yeah, that guy."
   The woman in the beanie, plopped carelessly on her tangle of red hair, took a puff and stared for a bit.
   "Aaahhh!" she screamed. She cleared her throat. "Sorry, I had some ice scream earlier." She paused, waiting for the laughter. Nobody except Stumpy laughed. The woman pointed at him and smiled.
   "My name is Clumpy Flapdroop. We don't know why the skeletons look funny. It probably happened a long time ago, before or after the strange light in the eastern sky, back when people weren't afraid of skeletons. Now we think they're spooky and they haunt empty houses and empty fields. And the mayor is in the mayor house. It's over there." She pointed at a house across the street that had a bright blue door with one big red eye in the middle.
   "I think I'm in love," muttered Stumpy.
   "Better not be," said Malarkey. "She could be your relative, or maybe haunted."
   They walked over to the door and knocked. After a few seconds, it slowly opened with loud creaks.
   A face peered out of the gloom. The eyes blinked, the mouth coughed. It looked exactly like an older version of Stumpy.
   "Dad!" Stumpy said.
   A shorter version of the same old face peered from behind the one in front. "Yes?"
   Stumpy looked confused, then said, "Mom?"
   All three burst into laughter and embraced.
   Mayor Rumpy looked at Stumpy and his companions. "Come on in!"


...to be continued.
 

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #9

   The gang trooped along after Ori, the green rabbit, looking with interest and a little fear at the jungle as they walked. Things that looked like vines but had eyes that opened and stared at their passing startled them, except for Billy Bob and Abner. Billy Bob just winked, while Abner took notes. The heat was oppressive and humid after the desert. Perky's pant leg got caught on a thorn and she screamed a scream that cut off, because what was attached to the thorn was even worse. It was a small creature with black fur and big buckteeth.
   "How av oo?", it seemed to ask.
   Ori looked back. "Oh, that's just Simple Stanley. He's harmless. He mostly drools a lot. It's kind of disgusting, but we're used to it. He asked how you are."
   Perky looked a little shy. "I'm good, thanks."
   "Don't bother talking to him. He just says things, he doesn't actually understand us," said Ori. "Haha! Good thing, too."
   Simple Stanley had a sad look on his face as the group walked away.
   Now that they knew that not everything in the jungle was going to kill them, they enjoyed the journey more.
   "Hey, rabbit!" called Shok. "Why didn't you make some sort of path through this mess? It's kind of a hassle, with all the vines and thorns and stuff."
   Ori answered without turning around. "We did try, long ago. You make a path, and the next day, the jungle reclaims it. It's not worth it. Besides, there are paths, if you know what to look for."
   Shok looked doubtful.
   All during their walk, strange calls echoed in the jungle canopy. There were the usual bird calls, monkey howls, and insect hum, but there were also what sounded like people saying "ah hoo hoo whatcha say!" and "batter up batter up, six bucks a cup!", then it sounded like all these hidden figures got into a wild slap fight.
   "What's that?" asked Perky.
   Ori chuckled. "Oh, just some lost salesmen and lawyers. Their planes crashed here decades ago, and they haunt this jungle with their nonsense. They're feral and a little kookoo. I rarely see them, but they're kind of faded, as if their purpose is being lost. One day, when nobody cares or notices, they'll disappear."
   "How sad!' said Perky.
   "Don't be sad! They'll sell you junk or life insurance policies if you let 'em! Leave them be."
   After walking another few minutes, they came to a tall, narrow stone, and around the corner was a comfortable-looking house, set low to the ground in a clearing.
   Ori turned around. "Well, here we are! Casa Conejo. Welcome to my humble abode. Don't mind the kids, I lost count how many there are. We are, after all, rabbits, ya know." He winked. Perky and Shok blushed. Billy Bob chuckled. Abner took notes.
   Some of the aforementioned kids came running out of the house and jumped on their father. He continued walking, but more slowly. "Oof!"
   His wife came out, too. She was pleasant-looking apart from the crossed eyes.
   "This is Morka. She puts up with me." Morka smiled.
   Shok looked at the clearing. "Hey, how come the jungle doesn't reclaim this clearing?"
   "It's the only place on this mesa where jungle doesn't grow. We weren't sure why at first, but then we discovered the big secret," replied Ori. He paused and waited for someone to ask what the big secret was. After an uncomfortably long pause, he sighed and continued. "The jungle has a bald spot!" He grinned widely and did a little shuffle.
   One of his kids, an older girl, sighed and said,"Dad, nobody thinks that's funny, ever!"
   Ori gave her the stinkeye. "Well, it does...but there's a reason! The reason is deep underground, though. Come in, we'll eat and drink and I'll tell you more."
   The house was low but spacious. Room after room spread out from the front door. In a level below, there were even more rooms dug into the ground, as rabbits do like a good warren. The walls were mostly bare except for a few old pictures. The construction of the house was solid if basic. Beams supported the roof, and it gave the effect of looking like a really big cabin in the woods, which was what it was. Everything was painted white, which had gotten a little yellow over the years with age and with smoke from cooking. Ori led the way to the big living room at the back, the passage choked with kids and their toys.
   "Clean this up or I'll give them away to the Eargators!" he growled at no-one in particular.
   "What the hell's an Eargator?" asked Shok.
   A small kid piped up. "An Eargator is a vicious animal that puts its finger in your ear and lays little eggs, which hatch in your skull and eat their way out of your head!" The kid, a little boy, laughed hysterically.
   "What's so funny?" said Shok, looking a little green himself.
   The boy looked solemn. "Well, you'd have to be pretty dumb to get caught by an Eargator. They're really big and slow, and you can hear them coming from miles away."
   They reached the living room, where food and drink was already waiting. It was mostly carrots and celery, but there were also some odd-looking fruit and even some gum. The drink was unfamiliar.
   "Drink up! It's our own special brew---honey spider cider," said Ori. Everyone looked a little nauseous, except for Billy Bob, who licked his lips. "Don't worry, it's better-tasting than its name! Haha, it would have to be."
   They all sat around the large round table, sitting in very comfy chairs. Ori looked at Abner.
   "Hey, Abner! Stop taking notes!"
   Abner looked up, a little startled. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
   Ori looked exasperated. "Of course you do. We met years ago, at that party those bug people gave. Well, I had different-coloured fur back then, more of a blue. And I wasn't calling myself Ori. I was Pambilo Gambaladoolah. And it was a long way from here. Plus I didn't have the wife and kids. A lot has changed since then. For instance, you got a new hat!"
   Abner closed his eyes. "Ah yes, now it's coming back." His eyes opened. He frowned. "I seem to remember you stole something of mine, a very useful device."
   Ori took a sip of his drink. "Ah, but that was years ago. Surely you've gotten a newer and much better very useful device!"
   "You're missing the point," said Abner.
   "Drink up! Let the night be merry. After all, there are more dangerous and serious things stalking the land these days." He looked around at the gathered group. "I should tell you about this place's big secret. It may help you."
   He took another sip and a bite of a blue carrot.   
   "Of course, I discovered this secret years before the light in the east. I was digging around in the basement, seeing if I could make a sub-basement. I broke through the rock and found a big hole. An odd green light poured out, not harsh but soft. I could see that there a sort of natural staircase in the rock, so I decided to go investigate. Morka didn't like that." He grinned at her. She smiled back but with her crossed eyes, nobody could tell if she was mad or not.
   Ori continued. "I didn't have to go down very far before I discovered where the green light was coming from. In the middle of a cavern was a pedestal, and on that pedestal---I kid you not---was a big green baby. I mean a baby that was human, like the three of you." He pointed at Perky, Shok, and Billy Bob.
   "The baby just sat there, with a permanently surprised look on its face. It didn't move at all, but it didn't seem dead, just in suspended animation. The green light emanated from its entire body, but the eyes were a deeper green. Kinda hypnotic. I stared at it for a while, then shook myself out of it, and walked around the pedestal. There was nothing else there, just the green baby on the pedestal. After staring for a few minutes, I noticed that a carrot I was carrying had wilted and died. I was starting to feel a little queasy myself, so I got out of there and went back up to the house. When I got back up, I put a rock over the hole and sat down, panting and sweating. Morka came in and screamed. I looked down at myself and saw that my blue fur had turned green. And that's the honest truth!"
   Morka stuck her tongue out. "Oh, piffle. I didn't scream!"
   "So that's why no plants grow in the area above the cavern. That weird green light kills it," said Ori.
   Abner stared. "A big green baby bleeding green light causes vegetation to wither and die? That seems incredibly unlikely."
   "And you're a talking bird!" snorted Shok.
   Abner looked offended. "I am most certainly not a bird, young man! Birds are silly creatures that fly around, tweet, and shit all over everything. Imagine comparing me to them. Harumph!"
   "Well, you look like a bird," muttered Shok.
   "And you look like a big talking thumb."
   Morka began tsking. "Boys, boys! Have some more cake!"
   "Oh, so that's what that was!" said Billy Bob. "I thought it was gum."
   "Gum! Really!" snorted Morka.
   After they had all calmed down, they ate and drank and talked until late. Then, tired from their day, they all went to bed, each one having their own room.
   Perky had a hard time getting to sleep, which was unusual. She was basically a positive person, without many troubles to keep her awake at night. She tossed and turned, throwing the blankets off her. So many things had happened to her lately, things she had never experienced before, upsetting things, that now in the dark of night, she was wondering if she'd be all right. She had never had a thought like that before. Of course she was going to be all right....right? Eventually, exhaustion overcame her and she fell asleep, but her dreams were troubled, full of nasty evil creatures, biting at her and drawing blood. She flailed and somehow her fingernails had grown into talons, and she slashed at the darkness, causing white light to burst out in rays. The dark spaces screamed out and cursed her. The floor became slippery with blood and she slipped but then floated before she fell. She soared up high, to the top of the room she was in, and sailed through a small hole. She was on top of a big mountain and the sun's rays were strong and yellow and warmed her. Below her in the hole, dark voices screamed and cried and faded.
   She woke up with a start. It was still night and she heard people talking loudly. She got out of bed and went to the door. It opened before she could touch it. Shok was there.
   "Hey, wake up! Stuff's happening."
   Perky followed Shok to the living room. Everyone was there, all talking at once, it seemed. "What's going on?" she asked.
   Billy Bob looked serious. "We're under attack. Certain evil things know we are here and we don't have much time. I think they're after you."
   "Me? Why me?" she gasped.
   "It all probably has to do with that light in the east, and your quest to see the old man in the cave. It seems like it's not just a little fun journey, but something more serious. It's important for you to succeed. Apparently some parties have an interest in seeing you fail," said Abner. "We have to figure out how to get you out of here. The place is surrounded. There's that little black and red thing that followed us. I thought it was harmless, but it seems like it was a spy. It's brought bigger and nastier friends. Friends with big teeth."
   Perky paled. "I think I dreamed about them last night. I fought them off and escaped."
   "Well, I hope that's a sign that things will go well for you," replied Abner. He looked at Billy Bob and Ori. "Gentlemen, I believe we have a few things to talk about."
   "Hey, what about me?" said Shok.
   Billy Bob shook his head. "No, son, we three have had some experience in things like this. You can escort Perky to safety. I think the basement is best."
   Shok grumbled about being a babysitter in a dumb hole.
   "It's very important she be kept safe!" growled Billy Bob.
   Abner, Ori and Billy Bob left the room, followed by Morka. When Abner and Billy Bob raised their eyebrows, Ori said,"Oh haha, I forgot to tell you she was a champion knife thrower before we met. She even defeated Clogong the Impervious. She found a sensitive area, haha!"
   "My village was kind of a terrible place to grow up in," said Morka. "It was either throw knives, or become a beautician."
   After a very short amount of time (they actually had just gone out of the room to get some fancy clothes to wear), the four came back and told of the plan.
   "OK," said Billy Bob. "I guess we just go out and try to keep 'em off. We have some knives and other weapons. I know a few tricks and so does Abner. Morka and Ori do what they do---"
   "I go berserk!" grinned Ori.
   "---and Shok, you take Perky down to the basement and through that hole to the green baby cave."
   "I thought that was a dangerous place?" asked Perky.
   "Abner's been lookin' through his notes, and he thinks there's more to that place than meets the eye."
   Shok led the way while Perky followed. "Come on, slowpoke!"
   All of the many kids had made themselves disappear into the many rooms of the house, some to areas even their parents didn't know about.
   The fighting foursome made their way to the front door. They looked out at the growing crowd.
   "Doesn't look good," said Ori.
   "It'll never get better than this," said Billy Bob.
   With a collective intake of breath, they opened the door and rushed out. Abner removed his hat and flung it, frisbee-style. Little mechanical arms opened up and several saws poked out. It swept through the nearest group of creatures and sliced through them like they were melted butter. Blood gushed out in a fan, soaking things behind them and choking the ones who had been laughing in triumphant expectation. They gurgled and choked to death, falling to the ground. The ones behind them trampled them in their mad rush to attack.
   Billy Bob had a crooked stick he had picked up off the ground. He leapt up and brought the stick down at a sideways angle, impaling several of the evil things. They stuck together and squealed like a living barbecue offering.
   Ori spun around and started screaming, a green tornado that crashed into a group of the enemy, his fists and feet spinning around rapidly, punching and breaking bones. Severed limbs fell off, blood coating their compatriots, as the afflicted screamed in agony and fell over as lumbered trees do.
   Morka had a different apron, this one with many pockets for her various knives. Quick as a wink, one after another she flung them with deadly accuracy at the approaching throng. Knives were buried in skulls, chests, through eye sockets and arms and legs. One creature who had turned to run away ended up with a nasty serrated blade embedded in its ass. As it fell, its face smashed on a stone and burst into gore.
   The attackers were undaunted by the deadly opposition and came at them. Billy Bob, Abner, Morka and Ori defended the house as best they could, but they were vastly outnumbered.
   "These things must have come here from somewhere else," grunted Ori. "I've been through this jungle many many times and never seen the likes of them."
   "Dark forces are against us," said Billy Bob, who by now had one of Morka's long knives in one hand and a burning torch in the other. He swatted at a small pink reptile. "We may not survive."
   "Oh, I don't know about that," said Abner, whose hat had come back to him, boomerang style. He dug around in his clothing. "Hold on and cover your ears!"
   He produced a small silver box. He pressed a button on the top, and it opened up, a serious metal flower. He tossed it at the creatures and ducked. It hung in the air for an impossible few seconds, then with a dull thump, exploded in a ball of red fire. When the smoke cleared, most of the attackers lay dead on the ground, while the survivors crawled or stumbled back into the jungle. The small creature with the black and red stripes was high in a tree, grinning at them. After staring at them, it vanished into the jungle.
   "I know what that is!" exclaimed Abner. "Terrible, terrible thing. I must get back home. It is in grave danger. Farewell!" With that, he ran into the darkness.
   Ori and Morka and Billy Bob were a little marked up but otherwise uninjured. The evil creatures counted on surprise and numbers to overwhelm foes, not skill in fighting.
   "I'd better go check on Perky and Shok," said Billy Bob suddenly.
   He ran into the house, while Ori and Morka followed more slowly. When Billy Bob got to the basement, he could see the green light coming from the hole. He called down. "Are you two all right?"
   Perky's small voice came up."Yes, but it feels very strange down here. Also, Shok keeps farting."
   "That's not me! I keep telling you, it's the big green baby!" protested Shok.
   Billy Bob climbed down and met them. His nose wrinkled. "Yeah, that smells like something not produced by a person."
   After he told them about the battle and Abner leaving, he looked at the big green baby. He picked up a rock and tossed it at it. It disappeared. "I thought so."
   "What?" said Perky.
   "It's another one a them portals. Planet seems to be riddled with 'em."
   "So what do we do?" said Perky.
   "Well, we gotta go through."
   Shok did not look pleased. "Hey, listen, I think I'm gonna go back with Abner and see if I can help him there. It's near my home. This place just gives me the creeps."
   "Be careful. Things aren't going to be any safer there than here," said Billy Bob. He patted Shok on the shoulder.
   Shok climbed back up the hole and ran out of the house, where he caught up to Abner and helped him repair the ship.
   "But why do we have to go through this weird green light, Billy Bob?" asked Perky, who didn't look very perky at all.
   "There's too many bad things behind us, and I think our journey must continue this way. Move forward, not backward."
   Perky didn't look convinced, but she took Billy Bob's hand and after taking a deep breath, they both leaped through the big green baby.


...to be continued!
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #8

   Snarky, Tinky, Enver and Stumpy followed the balloon head woman.
   "What the hell is a Balloon Fight Club?" asked Snarky to no one in particular.
   Stumpy spoke up. "The first rule of Balloon Fight Club is..."
   Snarky punched his shoulder. "Oh, cut it out."
   They all looked around at the place, which wasn't very helpful, as it was dark and gloomy and filled with what they hoped were cobwebs. Twisted torches on the walls flickered but failed to provide much in the way of illumination. The balloon woman squeaked as she floated ahead of them.
   "Hurry up! Everyone's waiting," she said. "By the way, my name is Madam Badham."
   The corridor curved a few times and they dodged a few piles of fallen stone, stones that were covered in big black scratch marks and must have come from the ceiling, except that there were no holes in the ceiling. They swore they saw disembodied eyes following them, but when they turned around to get a better look, they disappeared.  A sudden harsh scream penetrated the darkness, causing them all to jump.
   "Don't worry," said Madam Badham. "That's probably just someone who lost a fight. Or maybe someone who won."
   Finally, after what seemed like half an eternity, during which their feet crunched things they really didn't want to discover, the cramped corridor opened up into an enormous cavernous room. It was full of odd people, each odder than the last. A man with two noses. A woman with three noses. A donkey with a hand for a tail. Some sort of small giraffe with target eyes. Several people who looked normal but vaguely unpleasant. A couple of teenagers with really disgusting pimples. And lording over all, was a tall, spindly man who seemed to be made of shadows and whispers.
   "It's one of those creeps I saw before!" exclaimed Snarky. "They followed me from the hotel."
   "That," said Madam Badham, turning to face the quartet,"is Sir Lord Mister Tweth. He is the ringmaster, if you will."
   "So, uh, what do you expect us to do?" asked Enver. "Piss and shit some more? I think we're all out."
   Tinky coughed. "I've heard of this. It's a brutal underground fighting club. Battle to the death. With balloons."
   Stumpy laughed his ass off. "Balloons? How can you fight with balloons? They don't hurt. All you might get is a little shock from static electricity!"
   Madam Badham fixed them with a glare, or as close as you can get with a face drawn with black marker.
   "The balloons," she said,"are full of sulphuric acid. If they burst..." She tilted her head in a way that suggested raised eyebrows.
   "Doesn't the acid just eat through the balloon?" asked Snarky. "And how can you talk with a drawn on face? How can a balloon talk? And aren't these acid death balloons related to you or something? How can you let them be used like this?"
   "SILENCE!" thundered Sir Lord Mister Tweth. The entire room shut up as if the sound itself had been sucked out. The only sound was a creepy papery whispering sound.
   He continued. "We are gathered here today for the final battle of the season. Our champion against the champion of the newcomers. I have been watching them for a while now, my spies gathering knowledge in various places and times, and I have decided who shall fight."
   Our foursome huddled together, a tight ball of terrified yarn. Snarky stood out, being tall, while Tinky, Stumpy and Enver clustered around him, smaller roots of the big tree. Snarky hunched down to make himself less noticeable, which only caused the others to squish down even smaller. "Stupid midgets!" he muttered.
   Somewhere a drum boomed.
   Tweth raised a twisted green stick. He looked around at the massed audience, which had to be in the thousands in the giant room, some close but most on top of various bits of broken rock, some of which were small and some of which were huge. There were no medium-sized broken rocks. In the distance someone cheered, but it was cut off in mid-cheer.
   The drum boomed again.
   "Jeez," muttered Stumpy. "Milking it!"
   "Shall it be---" boomed Tweth,"Stumpy Cucamonga? A man with enormous feet and an even bigger reservoir of courage?"
   "Who, me?" squeaked Stumpy.
   "Or! Shall it be Enver Lovebagge, formerly known as Enver Dirtbagge, a man with no scruples and a talent for hidden weapons?"
   "Damn! Lost them in that weird bar!" said Enver.
   "Or! Shall it be Tinky Dingbat, who may be small, but that just means he can burrow in your ear and chew on your brain?"
   "Hey! I'm not that small," grumped Tinky.
   "Or! Shall it be Snarky Snapdragon, a man who in a former life was an assassin for organized crime and who made his own mother cry by breaking her legs and feeding her beloved lapdog Snozzy to an escaped boa constrictor?"
   "That wasn't me! That was my identical twin brother," said Snarky, looking away.
   A loud roar broke out. "Snarky! Snarky! Snarky!"
   "Fuck, of course it's the tall guy who literally stands out," muttered Snarky. The others looked incredibly relieved. A small fight broke out a few steps away between a lamp with fangs and a sabre tooth tiger armed with a knife. The knife clanged and sparked against the lamp, while it ducked and sank its fangs into the tiger's neck, causing blood to cascade upwards, splashing on a flying mouse, which drowned and plummeted to the ground with a loud splat. The tiger, in its dying moments, slashed the power cord of the lamp, causing a flash of blue electrical light, electrocuting both of them.
   Madam Badham nodded, and ugly tree people grabbed our four, with the one holding Snarky shoving him into an open space that served as a ring. It was stained with blood and covered in a layer of old bones, most of which had been ground into dust, but some splinters still stuck up here and there. Half of a skull grinned at him from the ground. A balloon was thrust into his hand and he was shoved into the ring.
   From the other side the crowd parted, and the champion walked into view. He was brutal, but his eyes were sensitive. His jaw was squared, but rounded. He had scars on his face but they were more intriguing than disfiguring. His arms and chest were rippling with muscles, and his eyes were red with rage. He, too, had a balloon in his hands.
   He also looked just like a messed up Snarky, who stared in disbelief.
   "Malarkey! My brother!" he yelled.
   Malarkey Snapdragon's eyes became less red and more blue. "Snarky? Is that you? I thought there couldn't be more than one person with the name Snarky Snapdragon!"
   They both rushed to each other and hugged.
   "Dude, it's been at least fifteen years! You look pretty much the same except for the bad haircut," said Malarkey.
   "Well, I haven't had time...you look a lot different. That scar on your left cheek is new." Snarky frowned. "Has it been fifteen years? It doesn't feel like it. More like fifteen days."
   "You know, I was wondering about that. I can't remember much recently...everything's vague now. I thought it was because of all the fights."
   "Since when did you fight? You always..." Snarky stopped talking. The crowd had gone silent again. Tweth banged his stick.
   "Fight!" roared Tweth.
   "Fuck that shit!" yelled Malarkey and Snarky at the same time.
   Snarky turned to his travelling companions. "Guys! Come on, let's get out of here." They raced to him. He turned to his brother. "I hope you know a way out of this."
   "No problem, bro." Malarkey ran to Tweth and banged his stick with the balloon. It exploded and acid soaked the stick, which began smoking and drinking. A bright blue light shone. Tweth turned away, hurt by the glare. He slipped a pair of cheap sunglasses on and screamed at the room.
   "Get them! Do not let them escape!"
   The crowd, in fact, parted and let the five escapees run away to the other side of the chamber. They were there to watch fights, not participate in them, not counting the occasional skirmish. It was the big social event of the season, a place to see and be seen, to flaunt the latest in bedraggled fashion. Let Sir Lord Mister Tweth yell all he wanted, the shadowy jerk, he wasn't the boss. They just tolerated him because he let them use his big special room for events at a cheap rate. Hell, there was a smaller room a few miles away that was just as good, but you couldn't bring your larger pets and the bathroom facilities were simply atrocious.
   One keener decided to curry favour with Tweth by trying to trip someone, but all he got for his efforts was his leg stepped on and broken.
   "This way!" yelled Malarkey, pointing to a hole in the wall. "It leads outside!"
   The five of them ran to the wall, with Tweth in the background screaming like a little kid. He pointed his stick at them as if it was magic, but of course it was just a cheap stick he found in a shop somewhere that he thought looked cool. He choked in rage and fell to the ground. People near him looked away in embarrassment. A balloon nearby popped and Madam Badham burst into tears.
   An old woman with too much hair muttered,"In the old days, the elder gods threw much better parties and when they had tantrums, people died and mountains fell. These young people..."
   Malarkey raced through the door and the others followed.
   "I hope he knows what he's doing," said Enver.
   The passageway was as dark and murky as the one they had come through, but with no spooky eyes. Just spiders. Lots and lots of spiders. The spiders were startled, though, and fled up lines of web to safer places near the roof. The passage was slightly uphill, and all you could hear was the flapping of feet and the panting of the frankly out of shape runners.
   "Is it much farther?" asked Stumpy, his feet smacking against the hard flat ground.
   "Just up ahead," said Malarkey. He was the fastest runner, but the passage was narrow and it was hard to move. It narrowed even more and then they saw a light. They sucked in their guts and squeezed through, only to find themselves on a small ledge on the side of a mountain. They crowded together uncomfortably.
   "So how are we supposed to get off this ledge?" asked Snarky, his eyelid twitching.
   Malarkey looked down. "We climb." He pointed to some ragged bushes growing from the slopes. "It's not like it's a vertical face. It's pretty easy, with plenty of things to grab onto. And it's not down too far to the valley. The only thing is that the bushes are a little loose. They're really old and not sure if they want to stay on the mountain." He cocked an ear. "We'd better hurry. I think we were followed."
   Sure enough, creepy sounds were heard from the narrow passage in the mountain, echoing as the sound was squeezed through cobwebs and rock. Malarkey went first, expertly rappelling down, followed by Snarky, who was motivated more by a determination to get away than by any fear. Tinky just leaped on his back, and Stumpy scrambled down after. Enver paused a moment, hearing something behind him. He turned back to the opening and his mouth opened as if to say something, then with a start, turned back to the bushes. As he was about to climb down, a long arm shot out of the mountain crack and grabbed his foot. He yelled and slipped, causing some loose stones to tumble down. The arm, covered in veins and hair, pulled him slowly back. Enver struggled and dislodged some larger stones, which fell down the mountainside with a slow, low roar. He was pulled across the ledge and into the crack, his fingernails scratching on the rock. He disappeared with a muted scream.
   On the mountainside below the ledge, the disturbed rocks fell. They had not moved in centuries, and they took this opportunity to lustily bounce against the face. Stumpy, the last to go over, looked up with horror. "Hey guys---".
   With a dusty, ancient thump, the four climbers were knocked off the mountainside, tearing at the bushes who decided that, yes, after all, it was time to let go.
   Silhouetted against the shadows of the setting sun, they hung suspended in the cool air for a long, cold moment, before starting the drop to the valley floor.


...to be continued!