The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #13

    "What are we going to do? What are we going to do??" said Stumpy in a panic.

   Snarky punched him on the arm.

   "Ow! Why'd ya do that?" cried Stumpy.

   "Sorry, just reflex," replied Snarky. He patted Stumpy's arm.

   Malarkey looked at the rest of the group. "Well, guys, we're in a pickle. The question remains: how do we get out of the jar?"

   Tinky looked confused. "I never know what you're talking about."

   Malarkey waved his arms around. "We're clearly doomed in several ways unless we get out of this trap! How do we escape? Any ideas?"

   Snarky raised his hand. "I say we grab Stumpy and use him as a battering ram and smash that door down!"

   Everyone---except Stumpy---nodded. 

   "Say, fellas, I don't think that's a very goo--"

   He didn't finish due to him being grabbed and used as a battering ram on the door. The plan worked surprisingly well due to two factors. One, Stumpy's head was astonishingly hard, and two, the door wasn't. It crumpled like aluminum foil. They exited the room of doom, passing the door, which was in agonized pieces, ripped and shredded and torn and beaten. It seemed to look at them pleadingly as they avoided the jagged edges. Their reflections rippled across the uneven surfaces, a distorted mockery of its plight. Eventually, the light faded and it was no more. 

   "Boy, what a weird door," muttered Stumpy.

   Their footsteps echoed in the metal hallways of the submarine as they ran, trying to find some way out. The boat seemed empty. Various objects were strewn around on the floor, so they had to dodge danger as they ran. Nothing made any sense to our intrepid band. All the bits looked like pieces of alien machinery, with unknown functions and design. Snarky pocketed a few of the pieces, because you never know what you'll need in the future. 

   They looked into every room they passed, but they were all packed with junk and didn't look like exits at all. 

   "You know," said Snarky, "I'm beginning to think nothing is as it seems. I mean, except for the two rooms we were in, the rest of this barge looks like a garbage dump. I don't think Della and those other guys are who they say they are, and I don't think this submarine is a submarine. I mean, some of these pieces I picked up just say things like 'haha' and 'whoops' on the back. In fact, I think this wall isn't a wall!" As he said that, he veered into the wall and punched it. The force of his blow ripped a hole into the wall and he fell into a room. It was full of thankfully soft toys to cushion his fall. 

   "Uh, I guess this is a sub." He looked embarrassed. He got up and ran after his companions. 

   After a few minutes and a lot of wrong attempts, they found a door that said, in big neon letters, 'EXIT'. 

   "I think this is the way out!" exclaimed Stumpy, jumping out of the way of Snarky's punch. 

   It was Tinky who was the one who opened the door, which swung wide with a loud screech, revealing a dock. 

   "So I guess this is it, that town Della was talking about. Doesn't look like much." Malarkey looked thoughtful. "Whaddya say, gang? Shall we go?"

   Without any discussion, they all ran out of the submarine and into the town. Malarkey was right: it wasn't anything special. In fact, it looked half finished, like a movie set. Everything was ramshackle, especially the shacks. Nails stuck out of walls, predators waiting for prey. The streets were curiously uneven, as if they were randomly placed. The dominant colour was brown, with some grey splashed in to make it festive. The dwellings, most of which would have to be extensively renovated to achieve the status of hovel, leaned drunkenly against each other.

   "See? I told you. None of this is real!" said Snarky in a loud voice.

   A head poked out of the nearest window. "Not real? My magnificent mansion? That is an insult, sir!" said the voice, which belonged to a small person of indeterminate species. 

   "We just thought that nobody lived here," said Snarky.

   The small person, with a wild mane of dirty, tangled hair, and clothing to match, looked both offended and amused. "Oh, I am very sorry, your majesty, for not rolling out the red carpet to you and your exalted retinue! We've been oh so busy with, you know, living life and all that. I mean, it's tough, you know, what with all the crazy tourists and their stupid treasure maps gallivanting around our town like it's made of cake and today's their birthday! I barely have time to do my hair." The person ruffled their hair like it was a do, and not a don't. 

   "Pardon our rudeness, kind sir or madam," said Malarkey. "We've recently been kidnapped by some of those crazed tourists, and have just escaped this here submarine, which has a time bomb---"

   "Bomb!" yelled everyone. Just then, the bomb went off, but instead of a town-destroying explosion, the only thing that happened was that a small purple cloud of smoke appeared above the submarine, a banner popped up that said 'Happy Anniversary', and a sound very much like a depressed trombone was heard faintly. 

   "Oh, good!" said the disheveled townsperson. "You remembered my anniversary! Now, if I could only remember what it is..."

   The person looked squarely at Malarkey and glared. "Wait, sir or madam? Can't you tell? I am Crackcut Fragga, if you don't mind. I am this town's leading lady and historian. Pardon my attire, my gowns are at the drycleaner." She flounced a little. 

   "Where is everybody else?" asked Snarky. 

   "Oh, they're all at some town meeting, deciding what to finally do about this treasure map madness," said Crackcut. "I would be there, but I had a bout of indigestion. Meetings make me gassy." With that, she let out a small, ladylike fart. Everyone turned green around the gills except Stumpy, who got a dreamy look in his eyes. 

   "We wouldn't mind going to this meeting," said Malarkey. "We've been buffeted around too much. We all have places we want to go, and it doesn't include being hijacked by crazoids. Would you take us there?"

   Crackcut considered the request. "Oh, okay, I guess I could take you there. There was something I wanted to bring up anyway. They can all leave if they don't like the way I smell!" She started walking away and they all followed her.

   It was only a short walk to the town hall, but in that time they saw more of the town than they wanted. It really looked like a vicious storm had attacked it, but Crackcut assured them that wasn't so, and in fact they had spruced it up recently. Everything looked so ominous and dangerous, like the houses themselves were going to attack them. Nothing was more than one storey, and even then they looked ready to collapse. Small strange-looking animals scurried across the streets, hissing at them. The animals had two or three heads each, and the heads hissed at each other when they weren't hissing at everything else. Fur covered their bodies, but unevenly, as if they had gotten a disease and then the disease fled in disgust. Crackcut kicked one that had gotten too close. It flew away with an enraged squeak. 

   "Oh, here we are," she said, pointing to a building. "Town hall." It looked exactly like all the other buildings, except that it was full of people, some of whom were outside, as it was too full inside. She pushed her way in the crowd, farting with each step. Even though everyone looked like they smelled like the dead, they parted for her. One man's head fell off, but his hands picked it up and put it back, although upside down. "Make way! Make way! Very important visitors comin' through!"

   Everyone looked at the newcomers.

   One young woman looked at them and said, "They don't look important to me! They look like more of those treasure mappers!" She spat on the ground. 

   "Hush, child!" said Crackcut. "They ain't no treasure mappers. They have some important news to tell us."

   Our foursome looked at each other worriedly.

   Stumpy spoke first. "We don't have any---" he said before punches from the other three stopped him. Tinky, being very small, had to punch him on the knee, which caused him to stumble. Good thing he had such huge feet, or he would have fallen. 

   By this time, they had reached the middle of the room. There was a raised stage, and a table with six chairs. Only five chairs were occupied, until Crackcut climbed onstage and sat down. 

   None of the other five on stage were familiar to the gang, except to Snarky and Malarkey, who stared. They looked at each other, then back at the stage. They spoke at the same time.

   "Mom and dad?"

...to be continued.

   

The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #13

   "Who is the Emperor?" asked Perky, looking at the penguins. "Is he fun, or...or is he mean?"

   Penguins One and Two gave each other significant looks, but said nothing and waddled on.

   "Hey! I saw you give each other Significant Looks! That means something!" Perky darted up to them and tugged on their feathers. "Talk to me!"

   Penguin One glared at her and shook her off. "Silence is a very attractive quality."

   Billy Bob grabbed the penguin. "Now looky here, bub. Don't you be grabbin' her like that. I won't stand for it."

   Penguin Two shot a small laser out of its eye, and Billy Bob shot up into the air just a little bit. He settled back down, none the worse for wear except that his ears seemed to glow. 

   "We are not your enemies," said Penguin Two.

   "We are also not your friends," added Penguin One.

   "We are your esteemed guides," they said together.

   "You're a pair of jerkaholics," mumbled Billy Bob.

   Cyril, who had been lagging behind a little, dealing with his wife, whose blank mind meant that she looked in wonder at everything, despite the fact that they were surrounded by nothing but ice and snow, trotted up to them.

   "I say, chaps, instead of all this fuss, why don't we wait until we get to the big house and ask the Emperor what's up, what?" He coughed and examined his gloved hands. "After all, it's hardly likely these two would know much about anything, eh?" He looked back at his wife, who was face down in the snow making a snow angel the hard way, and went back to get her.

   "But it's so far!" exclaimed Perky a little sadly. "I'm cold."

   "Here," said Billy Bob. "Take my coat."

   "Won't you be cold, too?"

   "Nah, I grew up in cold places."

   "Didn't you grow up in the steamy south or something?"

   "Not all places are cold because of the weather," replied Billy Bob, as he gazed mysteriously into the distance. 

   Despite Perky's misgivings, the castle wasn't as far as they thought. The ice and snow made a flat white landscape, which is great for dramatic visuals, but hell on perspective and navigation. Plus it was boring, unless you're a penguin.

   Before their exposed skin could turn blue, they were at the gates of the castle. 

   The penguins turned to look at the group.

   "We are here!" they announced unnecessarily. "Welcome to our humble abode!"

   The frankly giant doors creaked open dramatically, and they were ushered inside, where it was a hell of a lot warmer. They stamped to shake off the snow and rubbed their hands together.

   Unlike the outside of the castle, which was decorated in early minimal bleak, the inside was all warm colours. Too many colours for Cyril's wife, who didn't know how to deal with all the fresh stimulus and just sort of ran at the walls and furnishings, sort of biting it and loudly mumbling. Cyril ran and got her and with some difficulty, pulled her away.

   "Wait here," the penguins said imperiously, and then left through a small side door.

   "You'd think they were the Emperor," said Billy Bob.

   "Billy Bob," said Perky, looking a little worried. "We're going to be all right, aren't we?"

   "Sure, yeah we are," he replied. "Ah figure, they can't have brought us all this way to do harm to us. Just wouldn't make a lot of sense." He looked thoughtful. "Unless they're cannibal penguins!"

   Perky giggled. "Silly! Cannibal penguins would only eat other penguins!"

   "Yeah, ah guess yer right." He smiled a little.

   They all walked around and looked at everything. The furniture, the tables, the wall hangings, the cabinets...they all were in various startling colours, and seemed to be in various styles and from various parts of the world. What they were all doing here in a vast ice palace was anyone's guess, but they all knew they would shortly find out. 

   Cyril looked at a painting on the wall. It showed a big penguin in armour and holding a sword, which was dripping in blood. It stood on a small hill of dead penguins, all separated from various body parts and obviously not just napping. The victorious penguin had a steely gaze that said he was not someone to trifle with, not even a little bit, so don't even think about it, Jack.

   "Remarkable piece of, er, art," mumbled Cyril.

   His wife was sitting on a bright red couch trying to chew on a pillow, which was also bright red but striped with black.

   "No, dear," he said absently, taking it away. "Not until after dinner." She looked a little sad.

   The room was undeniably large, but at the same time, it had a certain intimacy. No, that's not it. Maybe the walls were closing in. No, not that either. 

   "Man, this room sure is stuffed fulla junk," said Billy Bob.

   Perky was bouncing on the couch next to Cyril's wife. "But I like the colours!"

   A small rat-like machine scuttled from under the couch and raised its head to look at her.

   "Do you mind! I have some very important calculations to make!" it said, then darted back under the couch.

   Before anyone could react, a door a the far end of the room opened and Penguin One and Penguin Two came in. They both had trumpets and blew on them loudly, which wasn't that pleasant as they didn't know how to play them, then they lowered them and opened their mouths.

   "Announcing the arrival of the most Exalted and Holy Emperor of all that is seen, ruler of all the lands that are known and unknown, of the distant sea which is, to our knowledge, still there despite us not having the time lately to go and visit it as much as we did when we were younger and not as burdened with the awesome responsibility of state, through no fault of our own or our Dear Leader..." When they paused to take a breath, they were shoved aside by another penguin, not quite as tall as they were, and looking a little bedraggled. This one had a crown on its head, and its beak was a little crooked.

   "THE EMPEROR!" yelled the other penguins.

   "Yes, yes, leave us be now. I shall deal with them in my own manner, thank you." The Emperor's voice was a little rough, as if it didn't get used a lot.

   When the other penguins had left, the Emperor shuffled over to our group. 

   They all noticed that there was something off about this penguin. For one, he made a loud rubbing sound, like corduroy pants. For another, his eyes didn't seem to focus on anything, as if they were made of glass. For third, he beckoned them over.

   "Oh wow, am I glad to see you! Humans at last! I thought I'd never see humans again. Being surrounded by penguins is bad enough, but giant, angry, annoying penguins is pure torture."

   Perky and Cyril's wife looked a little confused, but Cyril spoke up.

   "I see the problem here. What we have is not a bona fide penguin, but what appears to be a man in a tattered penguin costume." He fingered the material.

   Billy Bob burst out,"Whut th'!"

   The Emperor took off his head to reveal the face of a man with a scraggly beard and tired eyes.

   "Now what in tarnation is this?" asked Billy Bob. "Why in heck are yuh wearin' a penguin costume and pretendin' to be an emperor?"

   "Well," said the so-called Emperor. "I shall tell my story briefly, because I really don't have much time. They're so demanding." He cleared his throat.

   "Once upon a time I was a modest nobody by the name of Reginald Runt. One day, bored by my job counting pencils for a madman, which wasn't as interesting as it sounds, I decided to have an adventure. I withdrew my savings and and hired a boat to explore the polar regions. Everybody else went to exotic tropical places, so why not a cold place with no rum drinks? I was soon to regret this decision. Not because of the cold and isolation, which I quite liked, but because of my present situation. I had a fine time exploring a world of grey seas and ice floes, but then one day the captain of the small vessel, who had a stash of rum I didn't know about, got tired of the trip and drank an entire bottle to himself. He yelled angrily about the snow demons who wanted to feast on his unmentionables, took the wheel and crashed the ship on a big ice floe. We all blacked out. When I woke up, the captain and crew were gone, and it was just me. Well, me and a penguin. Funny looking creatures, I thought. Well, not this one. For one, it was as tall as a man, and was carrying a sword. It prodded me to get up, so I did. It marched me across the floe to this place, the ice castle. I was flabbergasted. It took me through a small side door, and into a chamber deep in what I learned later was the dungeon level. It spoke to me in my language, which furthered my confusion. It had a tale to tell, of death and betrayal, which I won't get into now except to say that the old Emperor, a real penguin, had been lured to a distant crevice and pushed in by what he had thought was his friend and confidante. Unknown to him, he had been followed by the penguin who captured me, who was his advisor, and who witnessed the whole sordid affair. Before the betrayer could enjoy his misdeed, my penguin rushed up behind him and pushed him into the same crevice. He had some quick thinking to do. The people couldn't know about this. They were totally brainwashed into thinking the Emperor was godly, infallible, perfect. Too strong to be defeated by something as sneaky as being pushed into a hole. If it came out, society would collapse. He had a little time to work with, because the Emperor had supposedly gone on a little day trip, and while he was walking around trying to think, he spotted my shipwreck. He saw me and a plan came together. He dragged me to the castle, into the dungeon, and explained everything. I was a little light-headed because of the accident, and as well he suggested I might live longer if I agreed to do what he said, so I went along. So here I am, pretending to be the Emperor of this endless waste. I think the high council has its suspicions, but they are also conditioned not to question the Emperor, so it's a tricky deal. I'm glad you're here, so you can help me escape!"

   The group looked stunned. Cyril's wife chewed on Reginald's penguin head.

   "You one a them escaped lunatics or somethin'?" said Billy Bob.

   "No, no, of course not! I realize it's totally ludicrous, but you have to believe me!" He looked around.  "Follow me." He motioned for them to follow him through a door that was next to a statue of a penguin with two heads.

   Shrugging, they all went in after him. It was a small room, not at all fancy, and it was only filled with two things: a small table, and on it, a small machine with blinking lights. 

   "This is my escape from this place. I found it in one of the dungeons. I think it's some sort of teleport machine, but I don't know how it works. I think it's missing a piece, but I don't know what or where to find it. I'm getting a little desperate. I hate eating raw fish guts!"

   They all looked blank, except for Cyril. 

   "Good lord," he said. "I have just the part! I found it one day, and knew it belonged to something like this, but I didn't have the machine it fits. Imagine that. How unlikely."

   He went over to the machine, and looked at it. Then he took the part from a pocket, and jammed it in. The machine made a sound like a muskrat farting, and the lights began to blink faster. He pulled a small lever on its side. All the lights went out, and they were in darkness. Reginald cursed loudly.

   Before he could attack Cyril, the lights came back on and the machine hummed softly. Behind the machine was a soft blue gateway made of light. They all looked at each other. 

   Before they could decide who would go first, there was loud shouting in the big room they had just left. 

   "Uh oh," said Reginald. "I think they found my head." It was true. He was missing his Emperor penguin head. He had left it behind. Time to step into the unknown. Without so much as a word, they all popped through the portal one by one, as fast as they could.

...to be continued.