The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #4

   In the morning, Perky and Billy Bob set out to visit Billy Bob's friend Abner Oakbucket. Billy Bob packed some food and water in a sack he made from an old piece of cloth that he sewed together, tied with a rope.
   "Are we going far?" asked Perky.
   "Not too far as the crow flies, but we ain't crows, so it'll take a while. Maybe a day if we're lucky. As I said last night, there might be some obstacles in our way. These days, you never know what lurks in the woods and hills. At night, I sure do hear some unearthly sounds. Course, it could just be the swamp gas making all them sounds. Never know." Billy Bob frowned and slung his pack over his shoulder.
   Perky looked a little scared, but then smiled and started skipping. "I don't feel scared, because I know you're with me!"
   Billy Bob gave a little smile, and they set out.
   The lansdscape must have once been beautiful, with stands of trees covering rolling hills and filling valleys. The streams must have once been clear and strong, not sluggish and filled with broken things and dead bodies like now. The trees looked haggard and defeated, yet still stubbornly growing. Some clusters even looked fairly healthy, although the casual observer may think that evil things lurked in the branches, or that the trees themselves were somehow sentient, evil, and pissed off. The things that clogged the streams and rivers might have been recognized as crumbled artifacts from a fallen civilization, if there was anyone left who knew or cared. Bits of broken buildings, metal objects, scattered electronic gadgets. The air was cold and yet clammy. Every so often, a dust devil swirled up and made everything cloudy and greasy. Where it came from, who knew.
   Our two travellers picked their way over moss and grass, and around boulders and fallen trees. Sometimes they came across skeletons of unknown animals, creatures with three eye sockets, or horns under the jaw, or uneven numbers of crooked legs. There wasn't much colour in these parts, except of a subdued hue. It all looked dangerous, or spoke of past battles, and yet for a long time, they didn't see or hear any other living thing.
   Perky was prancing around a small pile of moss-covered skulls when she tripped.
   "Oof!" she oofed.
   Before she could pick herself up, or Billy Bob could help her, a small skinny creature darted from behind a tangled mess of bushes and leaped on her back. It bit her on the head, then jumped off and climbed the nearest tree.
   Perky didn't know what to do at first, but then a small trickle of blood dripped down her head and into her eyes. Her mouth opened up and a loud sound emerged. Then she stopped suddenly, confused. She'd never cried before, and had never bled before either.
   She turned to Billy Bob and asked him, "What happened?" She then started to cry again.
   "That blasted little bugger bit ya!" said Billy Bob. He ran to the tree and started shaking it. "Come down here, ya damned varmint! Wait'll I git my hands on ya!" The skinny, wraith-like animal just stared with large red eyes. Somewhere a large rock fell a long way and made a loud sound, but since it was a great distance from them, all they heard was a tiny pop! sound. The ragged creature perked its tattered ears.
   Billy Bob left the tree and went to Perky. "Are you all right?"
   He examined her head. "It ain't that big of a bite, but head bites and face bites make more blood than you'd think. It's already stopped bleeding. I'd just worry about what kind a disease that thing might be carryin'." He looked back at the tree and shook his fist.
   Perky's sobs were slowing down. "I....I guess I'll...b-be okay. Just when I th-think this world can't be any meaner, something bites me!" Her eyebrows went up and her mouth formed an O. "This is all so ridiculous, I feel like laughing."
   So she got up and started laughing. She danced around and sang a song about mean creatures biting her on the head, and that she didn't care. She did somersaults and leaps and twirled around, and she pointed at the skinny being in the tree, who had been watching all this but not moving. Its eyes now grew even larger, and its mouth also formed an O. It was about to say something, or maybe just make some weird sound, when another creature ran in from the other direction and leaped up the tree. This new thing was the same small size, but was chubbier and furrier. This bulk didn't prevent it from climbing up the tree in a flash, and it attacked the skinny beast. The chubby one started screaming at it. It stopped all of a sudden as it noticed Perky and Billy Bob.
   "What are you looking at? This piece of slime robbed me blind, and violated my young daughters! But what really gets me is that he drank all my shenda juice! That shit's expensive. It takes forever to ferment and how can I be expected to live each day in this crapheap while fully----well, what am I telling you for? Get outta here!" It began beating the living daylights out of his opponent, who began screaming an awful high pitched sound. The chubby thing produced a long ragged knife from his dirty clothing and began poking it into the skinny thing's body. Blood streamed out of the holes, blood with white and black flecks in it, unhealthy and unholy blood. Black gaseous vapour started to stream out of the holes along with the blood, then the blood stopped and it was just the dark vapour. Still the ragged skinny beast screamed, until its body collapsed on itself and finally vanished in a dusty puff with a loud farting sound which echoed on the cracked boulders and finally petered out against the hills. The chubby beast jumped down from the tree, and looked at our two.
   "You guys didn't see nothin', get me?" It waved the knife, covered in black gore, glared for a moment, then ran off like a shot.
   Billy Bob and Perky looked at each other. Perky looked shocked, while Billy Bob sort of sighed as if to say, "Not again."
   "Well," he said. "Time to get back on the road, so to speak." He looked at Perky, who was still standing there, frozen, her glittery eyes unnaturally still. He took her hand and led her away.
   "Not to worry," Billy Bob said as he squinted at the distance. "Abner's place is just over that hill. We should be there in a little while. The hill ain't that bad. I know a way through it."
   Perky still looked stunned, but she began whistling a song, a song that seemed familiar.


...to be continued.
     

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #3

   Snarky and Enver looked at the shadowy figure who was framed in the basement door. Cobwebs hung from his hair, red marks were on his face, and he looked either really sleepy or dopey. They both looked at this new person.
   "Oh, it's just you, Stumpy." Snarky looked at the man, Stumpy Cucamonga, who was very short but had enormously long feet.
   "Don't piss yourself in excitement, man," said Stumpy, a hurt look on his face. Then he grinned. "I am so thirsty. Anyone got anything to drink? Preferably something with a kick."
   Enver frowned. "My liquor cabinet is empty---for you. I know you. One drink turns into three empty bottles and you passed out in your own puke. Not this time."
   Stumpy grinned impishly. "Yeah, I guess that happens every so often. Haha." Stumpy was cute in a degenerate bridge troll kind of way. "Hey, Snarky, what're you doing here? I haven't seen you in ass years."
   "Haven't you noticed something's different? All the normal freaks have been replaced by weird freaks. Everyone's so....perky," said Snarky, his frown lines deepening.
   "Really? I just woke up. I had some real good hooch and had a nice little nap in Enver's basement. How long was I out?"
   Enver and Snarky looked at him. "Two days, man."
   Stumpy's eyes bulged out. "Holy crap! I must've had a great time...although I don't remember a thing."
   "Anyway," said Snarky. "We have to figure out what to do about all this. We can't continue this way. It's not natural."
   "Nothing about our lives is natural, man. That's what makes it a blast!" laughed Stumpy.
   All of a sudden Stumpy froze. His eyes bulged out again, but this time they weren't looking at anything. His mouth hung open and brown drool oozed out. An eerie moaning sound seemed to come from deep inside his belly. The lights flickered and the windows began to rattle. A deep underground rumbling sound shook the furniture, and then a large black bird smashed through a window, screeching and flapping madly. It flew in a panic around the room, while Enver and Snarky ducked. Then it flew straight at a large mirror on the wall that had intricate, mysterious carvings around the edge. The mirror burst into many pieces and the bird was dead, blood squirting from its severed head and neck. Of course, it was red ribbons, not real blood, and the bird got up and lurched out the back door, whistling a jaunty tune. Like a dream, Stumpy snapped out of it and looked around the room.
   "Hey, guys. What just happened?" He looked a little scared, or thirsty.
   "Trance, shaking, lights, bird, smash, window, dead, not dead..." Snarky couldn't speak properly. Snarky wasn't usually scared of anything, just angry, but this unnerved him. Nothing had gone as usual in the past couple days.
   "Nothing has gone as usual in the past couple days," he said, feeling like he was in a dreamloop. "Not since that weird light in the eastern sky."
   Stumpy shifted in his chair. "I have all these weird thoughts and visions in my head. I think we need to head out, go on a trek, to solve our problem. We need to head east and find a guy in a cave."
   "What guy? Where? What are you talking about?" said Enver, his eyebrows twitching.
   "Don't ask me! I went into a weird trance and had weird visions! The hell do I know about all this stuff? I'm used to seeing pink elephants when I drink your mom's wine!" Stumpy grinned. "Hey, I haven't seen your mom in a while. How's she doing? That rash clear up?"
   "Don't mention my mother, you cretin," snarled Enver.
   "We're all cretins," barked Snarky. "That's my point! We're all cretins but the world has changed, and now everybody's all soft and cuddly like baby rockupines. We've got to do something!"
   "What should we do, then?" asked Enver. "I'm bamboozled."
   "And I don't even know what's going on," said Stumpy. "For all I know, you guys are pulling my leg. That tickles and makes me piss."
   They all got up and went outside. The sun was shining, children were playing with ribbons, flags and balls, and everybody was smiling. The three of them looked at each other and looked a little green around the gills.
   "Oh, yuck," said Stumpy. "We'd better get some supplies and head out soon. I may have to go into another coma, this time for good!"
   Snarky spotted a van. "Let's steal that. It's big enough."
   The van was large and bright yellow. Enver picked the lock and almost fell backward. Several large balloon rats popped out, squeaking as they escaped from the confines of the van.
   "This is going to be a hell of a journey," said an exasperated Snarky.


...to be continued!