The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #12

   "Hello, dear," said Cyril to the shambling heap.

   "Dear?" said Billy Bob. "You know this....thing?"

   "Of course," he replied. "This is my wife."

   "Your wife?!" exclaimed Perky. Something small and made of metal fell off something else. Bang.

   "Well, if you want to get persnickety, she used to be my wife. In all the hubbub involving me ending up here, she was caught in some sort of mysterious energy beam, the likes of which I had never seen before. It sort of pulled her apart and put her back together, along with the cat, but it wasn't put together the right way." Cyril looked half sad and half glad.

   "Ain't it kinda awkward?" asked Billy Bob. "I mean, where's her mouth?"

   The heap shuffled a bit from side to side. It looked a little sad, if something that looked like nothing could look like anything. There wasn't a lot of room in the tower, and it must have been uncomfortable for Cyril and his wife-thing to be in the same space. On the other hand...well...I don't think there was another hand. Except on the heap, which looked like it had more than the usual amount of hands and paws.

   It made a sound like a very large cat at the bottom of a deep well making a sad meowing sound.

   "Oh, she's hungry. Let me feed her," said Cyril. He went over to a table and grabbed something that looked like mouldy garbage. He took it to his wife and pressed it against her body. After a few seconds, it disappeared, absorbed into the interior.

   Perky's eyed were big and round. "Cool!" she said "I wish I could eat like that."

   Cyril looked sadly at her. "No, no you don't. I think it's quite painful for her." He smiled suddenly. "Well, on to the chamber!"

   "The chamber?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Yes! Where all the action is. You know, you lot showing up should prove to be very fortunate. My wife, ah, can't assist me in my experiments anymore due to her not having workable hands, Or a mouth. Or eyes. I think. But you! Four healthy hands I presume"---he looked at their hands---"so you can help me escape from this nightmare land!"

   He led them to another room, the entrance to which they hadn't seen due to it being behind a very large cabinet. He went through the narrow space between wall and cabinet, sucking in his stomach. His fingers beckoned them to follow. 

   When they were all in the chamber, they were awestruck. It was filled with equipment even stranger than the other room. 

   "What the heck is all this stuff?" said Billy Bob.

   Perky touched some piece of metal with lights on it. Cyril noticed it.

   "Don't touch!" he barked. She dropped it like it had teeth. A little drop of blood oozed out of it from a seam, and a low sighing sound was heard.

   Perky jumped back with a squeak.

   "It's...in a bad mood," said Cyril. When Billy Bob started to ask what it was, Cyril waved him off impatiently.

   "I need help to properly calibrate this thing." He pointed to a huge metal box, covered in flashing lights and levers. On the left side was a glass door.

   "So what do we do?" asked Billy Bob.

   "I want you to go over to that door and go inside. No, not you, the little one. She's the right size."

   Perky was innocent enough that she just saw it as a fun new thing to do, not a possibly fatal experiment by a small, scruffy man who was probably a mad scientist or maybe just an escaped lunatic. She went over and opened the glass door on the box.

   "Tell my friends I love them!" she said, unexpectedly ominous. She stepped inside and closed the door. 

   Cyril turned to Billy Bob. "I want you to go over there." He pointed at a smaller metal box that had only one large button on it in the middle. "When I say 'go!', you press that button. Don't delay! Hesitation is for losers!" He rubbed his hands together and cackled a little.

   "What I am going to do is, of course, the most important part," he continued. His eyes seemed to glow a bit. Billy Bob shuffled nervously. The overhead lights flickered.

   Cyril grabbed something from a table that looked like a steering wheel with buttons in the middle. He pressed one, then another, then looked at Billy Bob. "Time is of the essence!"

   "Why's that?" asked Billy Bob.

   "Well, you know those horrible creatures outside who wanted to eat you? Well, they do want to eat you. And me. All of us. I don't know if they're cannibals by birth, or whether they're just really hungry because this land is awful and nothing grows here. They've been trying to get inside this tower since I arrived, and even though the walls are really thick, when crazed flesh-eating monster people bang against it for a long time, the walls weaken. Let me tell you, it can be hard to conduct my experiments with that loud bang! bang! bang! sound going on. And the growling sounds, too. Bang! Growl! Ooh! Aah! It can drive a man mad, mad I say!" He stopped and looked at Billy Bob with a sly grin. "Not that I'm mad. I'm feeling much better now."

   He pressed a couple more buttons. 

   "Are you ready?" he asked. Billy Bob nodded.

   Cyril pressed one final button. The steering wheel made a loud PING! He pointed to Billy Bob. "Now!"

   Billy Bob pressed the big button. For a long, agonizing moment, nothing happened. Then all the lights on the big metal box lit up, all racing around each other in a crazy pattern. A bright green light lit up the small room Perky was in, clouding up the glass door in a thick mist. The large box started shaking and making a keening sound, like a turtle trying to sing opera. The lights in the room went off and on several times. Cyril fell to the floor, then got back up. He started yelling.

   "Yes, baby, yes! Finally!"

   All the sounds and lights suddenly stopped. An eerie silence boomed out. Cyril darted for the exit. Billy Bob went over to the glass door and let Perky out. She looked up at him.

   "What happened?"

   Billy Bob looked in the direction Cyril had gone. He scratched his cheek. "I don't rightly know. Maybe somethin', maybe nothin'. Guess we can go have a look see."

   They both followed Cyril, squeezing their way back to the main room. 

   He stood there, arms around his wife-thing. He let go and danced towards Billy Bob and Perky. "Whoohoo!"

   "Well? What happened?" asked Perky. She looked excited and scared at the same time.

   "I have no idea! Let's go look, shall we?" Cyril looked more ruffled than he usually did. He walked over to the door and put his ear to it. He stood there for a full minute, listening. Perky and Billy Bob didn't dare interrupt; they were paralyzed by doubt. Finally Cyril opened the door. He squinted, then stepped outside. There was no sound of him being torn to pieces. In fact, there was no sound at all except a low sound like wind. Perky and Billy Bob looked at each other. Perky took Billy Bob's hand and they walked out the door after Cyril.

    What they saw surprised them. Not a ravaged landscape inhabited by feral people. It was white. Bluish-white. Ice. It was a land of ice and snow, with what looked like a midnight sun. In the distance was what looked like a giant castle made of ice, with turrets and spires and many windows. Cyril was looking at it in awe.

   "W-what is it?" asked Perky, cold breath coming out of her mouth.

   "Hell if I know. Shit, it didn't work. All I know is that we're not in Kansas anymore."

   "Where's Kansas?" asked Billy Bob. 

   "Oh," said Cyril. "I guess you wouldn't know. It's a flat land where strange people grow tall plants. Sometimes tornadoes come along and blow it all down, and they start all over again. And again..."

   "Sounds scary," said Perky, rubbing her hands together. "Is this England?"

   "Not at all!" said Cyril. "Maybe England fifty thousand years ago. No, England is a green land, full of trees and rivers and polluted cities." He rubbed his hands together. "Boy howdy, it's cold! Before we go to that castle I'm going to put on some warmer clothing!" He walked briskly back into his tower. "There's some for you too, if you want it."

   When they were back inside, they saw a strange sight. OK, so all they ever saw was strange sights, but this was stranger. Cyril's wife, the mess of a heap, was glowing in a pale blue light. It crackled all over her, crawling around her body like snakes on speed. She stood there unmoving, either by choice or by force. Suddenly, she was covered in a cone of blue light, and they all covered their eyes. A loud sound like a burp was heard, and then nothing. They opened their eyes. The heap was gone, replaced by a woman with long dark hair and a look of surprise on her face. She seemed to have a small third eyebrow above her left eyebrow, but looked otherwise normal. 

   Cyril broke out in a smile. "Darling!" he shouted. "Welcome back!" He ran over and embraced her warmly.

   She continued to look surprised. 

   Cyril looked concerned. "Darling?" He looked into her eyes. Her mouth opened.

   "Beep," she said.

   "Hm, I was afraid of this. When she eventually returned from the zygosian dimensional interregnum like I knew she would, it would be a little disorienting. I only hope her brainwaves haven't been compromised." He frowned. 

   "What would happen then?" asked Billy Bob. 

   "She'd be left with a completely blank mind! I'd have to re-educate her from scratch, and I simply don't have the time. I'd have to leave her with others, and who can you trust in this day and age? Probably some seedy tutors who got their degrees from a back alley diploma gang! No, no, that won't do. Well," he sighed. "I guess I'll have to have her tag along and do what I can do."

   After they had all dressed in warmer clothing, they stepped outside to begin their journey to the ice castle. However, right outside was an odd being. It looked like a penguin, but pink and green instead of black and white. It shimmered and separated into two of them. 

   "Greetings!" said Penguin One. 

   "Follow us!" said Penguin Two. 

   When our gang looked hesitant, the penguins glowed and tendrils of light zapped out and stung them. 

   "The Emperor is waiting," they said in unison.

   Everybody started walking.

...to be continued.

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

       

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #11

    After they had gorged on the onion and badger anus sandwiches with insect husks (actually they were peanut butter and jellied eyes, which is a bit better, I suppose), they settled in to the journey. 

   They tried singing songs about boating, but all they knew was one about throwing rocks at people and laughing. They tried to adapt it to their situation, but nothing rhymes with "stupid asshole". Malarkey's wound had stopped bleeding, but for a couple hours he fancied he was turning into a skeleton. Snarky pointed out that everyone had a skeleton inside them, but Malarkey punched him on the arm. 

   Just when everyone was getting really bored and about to take a vote on who to cannibalize first, a bird came screaming out of the sky at them. Well, it wasn't really screaming. It was its birdcall, but one of those really annoying ones, like people who can't help talking at you with a loud screechy nasal voice. The bird, some sort of green and black one, landed on Tinky's head. 

   "Augh!" he screamed, and batted at the bird with his hands. The bird just calmly pecked at his fingers.

   "I say, old chap, would you kindly stop doing that? Most rude." The bird preened its feathers while everyone stared at it. It then flapped off Tinky's head and settled on the rim of the boat.

   "A talking bird?" gaped Stumpy, his flappy feet flapping nervously.

   "Yes, quite. Obviously. I say, are all of you doing all right?" said the bird.

   They kept staring.

   The bird continued. "You know, well-fed, happy, no serious injuries?"

   Malarkey looked at his leg. "Well..."

   "So nothing then. Good, good." The bird flapped its wings a bit. "Oh, how rude of me. Let me introduce myself. I am called Sir Wredrick Wrobley Wren-Wright. The third." He bowed.

   "Anyone got a match?" said Snarky. "I feel like having some fried chicken."

   Sir W flapped up out of reach of the ravening crowd. "Now, now! Let's not be hasty! After all, you've only been on the river for two days."

   "You try eating sticky eyeball sandwiches, see how you like it!" snarled Snarky.

   "I can tell you where to get some better food, if you'll stop grasping for my tender bits."

   "Oh yeah? Where? I don't see anything but water and distant trees as far as the eye can see!" said Malarkey. "This epic quest sucks."

   "Well, do any of you have any sort of weapon?" said Sir W.

   "Why---"started Stumpy.

   Before anyone could speak, a huge fish or some other monster burst from the water in front of them. It seemed to have too many fins and a ridiculous amount of teeth. Strangely, it only had one big eye, and that was topped with a bushy eyebrow. At the top of its arc, it bellowed something that was probably rude, but with a mouth full of water and jagged teeth, it was hard to tell.

   "Get it! Get it now!" yelled Sir W, who started firing small, thin knives at the beast. 

   Snarky and Tinky threw half-eaten sandwiches. 

   Sir W kept firing the knives at the fish. Where he stored them could not be explained here or even later, really. They just kept a-comin'. They hit the target over and over, sticky fish blood spurting out and forming a rainbow in the air. The creature bellowed in pain and thrashed its fins and rolled its one eye. The bird kept yelling battle cries as it fired knife after deadly slim knife. 

   After a minute of this, Sir W stopped. "Why aren't you chaps attacking? The beast is good eating!"

   "Well, uh," said Snarky. "First of all, the fish thing is just sort of hanging in the air without coming back to the water. Second it doesn't seem to be hurt at all. And third, where are you getting all those knives from?"

   "Yeah, this seems very suspicious," added Malarkey.

   The bird sighed. "Oh, all right. You got me, folks. It was all an elaborate scheme."

   "Scheme? For what?" asked Stumpy, flapping his feet.

   "A promotion for my new venture---Sir W's Fun Emporium! Thrills, chills, and spills! You're in constant danger of dying, but it's all just for fun! Almost nobody will actually die. What do you think?"

   "I think it sounds stupid. There are real monsters trying to really kill us," said Snarky. "Why would people pay you for that?"

   "Pay? Oh drat! I knew I forgot something," said the bird.

   The fish turned in the air. A small door popped open just above its eye and a small bird-like woman poked her head out. "What? I thought you said you'd have it all figured out! I thought you said this idea was what it would take to finally enable us to buy that cottage in the country!" She got back in the fish, which was actually some sort of flying vehicle, and turned the machine so it faced Sir W. Little motors revved. 

   "Dear," began the bird. He took one look at our crew, then flapped wildly away into the sky, chased by the deranged fish plane. They all watched until they became two small specks and then disappeared.

   "Well, does anyone know if we saw that or hallucinated it?" asked Stumpy.

   "Who cares," growled Snarky. "We need to find---wait, what are we doing on the river anyway? Your dad just shoved us in this boat without telling us where to go."

   "Uh, I dunno..."

   "Your father was just trying to get rid of us!" exploded Snarky.

   "This sucks," grumped Tinky. "I am not amused."

   There was no point in arguing. They all knew that. The day was sunny and hot, and water was wet, the river was wide, and nothing was seen on the shores except trees and the occasional boulder. The area was hilly, which led to them feeling more crowded in by the environment and their situation. They tried to pass the time by playing cards, but since they had no cards, they tried the honour system. Everybody was too grumpy to play fair, which caused arguments and a couple fist fights. Eventually everyone became exhausted and just lay back in the boat. End of day two.

   They all slept through the night. During the night, several flying creatures, too ugly to be called birds, flew around them and stared. When they left, swimming creatures who didn't normally live in the river but now thought it was probably wiser these days, swam up to the boat and also looked at the sleeping group. All of these animals stared very hard and muttered to themselves, and then left. 

   The first rays of hot rising sun hit the sleeping figures and one by one they reluctantly awoke. The river was still the river, the empty shores were still empty, and the boat was still slowly leaking. 

   "Hey! The boat's leaking! Did anybody else notice this?" said Snarky.

   Everyone else noticed that they were all wet. They quickly got up and started cupping handfuls of water and started bailing. It was no good. The boat had leaked steadily during the night and now was barely above water. They tried paddling towards shore, but half of them paddled one way, half the other, and then the paddles broke. 

   "Hey, I think these paddles were just made of bread!" said Malarkey.

   Small river turtles snapped up the soggy bread bits.

   "We're doomed!" cried Tinky. Nobody punched his arm because they were all thinking the same thing.

   Suddenly, a huge whale surfaced beside them. It was black and had red racing stripes. A whale with red racing stripes isn't a whale, it's a submarine.

   "Hey! This isn't a whale! It's a something breen," said Stumpy.

   Submarine!

   "Oh yeah, a submarine." He looked at the rest. "What's a submarine?"

   It was so close that Snarky leaned over and rapped on it. It made a loud metallic sound which echoed quietly inside it.

   A hatch opened on its head, and a figure appeared. It was probably a woman, but who knew in these times of mutations. It might have been a talking bumblebee. The figure spoke.

   "Hi! I'm Della Scaramouche. Get inside, quickly! I think you're going to sink in a couple minutes." She disappeared back inside.

   Tinky leaped out of the boat and onto the whale sub. "C'mon, guys. Let's go."

   Snarky and Malarkey looked at each other, shrugged, and followed. "Might as well."

   Stumpy looked fearful. "But what if she's evil and there are little land piranhas in there? I don't wanna get eaten!"

   Snarky looked back before he got in the sub. "Well, you will die if you stay in the leaky boat. You only might die if you get in here. Your choice."

   Well, that's no choice at all, and Stumpy knew it, but he didn't want to get left behind. Besides, river piranhas are much more dangerous. Land piranhas didn't have very sharp teeth, so it took a lot longer to chew you to death, and while they were doing it, you had time to find a large object to bludgeon it with. 

   When Stumpy had descended into the submarine, he saw all his travelling companions gathered around in a cluster. In front of them was Della and she had two friends. Neither of them looked friendly, in fact, they looked pretty evil. 

   "I knew it!" yelled Stumpy. "Land piranhas or something worse!"

   "Hey, calm down, guy," said Malarkey. "They're not evil. They just have resting evil face."

   They two large men beside Della burst into smiles. "Welcome!"

   Della spoke. "Well, we'll get you all fed and watered and all that, but we don't have much time. Things are afoot, and we have to get out of this river. It may seem tranquil and even a little boring, but it's full of danger. You didn't know this because you were all asleep, but in the night your enemies were checking you out. We don't think they meant to harm you then, but if you were still on the river another night, who knows."

   "What's this all about?" asked Snarky. "We've been roaming through the land at random, and people keep suggesting there's more to know, but nobody will tell us."

   "All in good time," assured Della. "There is much to tell." She started walking down the corridor. "But first you should get some food and rest."

   She stopped in front of a door. "Here are your quarters. We'll come get you after you wash up. This isn't your ordinary submarine---"

   "I still don't know what one is," said Stumpy grumpily.

   "---and you'll find it relatively luxurious."

   They all filed into the room, which was surprisingly big and elegantly decorated in a nautical theme. 

   "See you soon," said Della, and closed the door.

   Which made a loud click as it shut.

   Malarkey went over and checked the handle.

   "Hey, guys. I think she locked us in."

...to be continued.