The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #5

   Perky and Billy Bob picked their way through the underbrush and broken stones.
   "Are we there yet?" asked Perky.
   "Well, we'll be there when we're there," offered Billy Bob.
   Finally, after slogging around and sweating for what seemed like forever to the inexperienced Perky, Billy Bob stopped and pointed.
   "There's a gap through the hill there. Once we get through that, Abner's place is in the valley on the other side."
   Perky looked hopeful, but also a bit tired. She wasn't skipping as lively as before. The sluggish wind blew ragged leaves around her ankles. Billy Bob sniffed the air and seemed to find nothing alarming. They climbed the mild foothills and saw the gap. Perky's eyes lit up. Billy Bob scratched his jaw.
   The gap was a narrow way through the hill. It was wide enough for two people, but only if they liked each other. They had almost gotten to it when suddenly a hooded figure appeared out of nowhere.
   "Halt!" the figure cried in a deep yet nasal voice. "You shall not pass!" He pounded his long, crooked wooden staff on the stony ground for emphasis.
   Billy Bob gazed up at him. "Why not?"
   "Aren't you hot under that cloak? Are you thirsty? I'm thirsty. Do you have anything to drink?" asked Perky.
   The hooded figure paused, seeming a little confused as to who he should answer first. He decided to answer Perky first.
   "No! Now shut up or I'll smite you."
   He turned to Billy Bob and said,"Because I said so. Try it and I'll smite you!"
   "Well, now fella, you seem a mite agitated. What ails you?" asked Billy Bob, who wished he had a pipe to look more thoughtful and wise.
   The hooded figure stood still for a moment, then swished his robes dramatically. "I am called the Waste Layer by my enemies,  the Disruptor by my enemies' enemies, and Shok Rijja by my friends, of whom there are none." He paused, then added,"Because they are all dead, not because I am not the kind of person who doesn't have friends. I had friends, lots of them, and they all sung my praises. So what if I had to kill some of them. Some of them talked like my enemies! Don't do this, don't wipe out that village, don't rain destruction down like evil from the sky. How can I maintain a nickname like the Waste Layer if I don't lay waste?"
   Perky giggled.
   Shok Rijja bent forward angrily. "What's so funny, little footstool?"
   Perky smiled. "Waste Layer? So you, like, go around depositing your waste in layers? Doesn't that get a little smelly? Don't you have a bathroom?"
   Billy Bob suppressed a chuckle.
   Shok tapped his staff against the stony hillside impatiently. "No, I mean as in I lay waste! That means to destroy in a really nasty way! Destruction! Death! Fires! A little pestilence, and crows pecking at people's heads, too. Don't you know anything?"
   "Hey now, fella, Perky here ain't seen nothing like this before. She's from another world, or dimension, or something....we ain't figured that out yet. They don't have none a this stuff there. Her world is a happy place. Much like this place used to be before it all went to hell." Billy Bob really wished he had a pipe, because he could have taken it out of his mouth and pointed for emphasis and it would have made his statement even better.
   "An innocent abroad, eh?" Shok Rijja laughed, a deep nasal laugh. "Hm, why are you travelling through these lands anyway? Don't you know they are full of bad people, people like me, who would rather gut someone than lend them some money, even if they promised to pay it back in a week, because he'd been burned too many times in the past by people he thought were friends, people he had to kill and feed to the crows?"
   "We're aimin' to visit my friend Abner Oakbucket over yonder. He's a smart sort, someone I think can give us answers," replied Billy Bob.
   "Is he....evil?" said Shok in a low, evil tone, which ended in an awkward cough.
   "Nope, don't reckon he is. Not that I know of. I don't know him real well, but he's never tried to kill me anyways."
   Shok Rijja looked at Perky and Billy Bob. "Are either of you...evil?"
   "I'm not!" cried Perky. "I'm good! I believe in sunshine and happiness, hugs and candy! Although lately I don't mind broken rocks. They look neat."
   "Neither of us are evil, sir," said Billy Bob. "I ain't perfect, but anything I've had to do is for survival." He looked a little embarrassed and gazed at something terribly interesting on the ground.
   "Sir, I like that. I prefer 'Master', but sir will do. You will call me sir as slaves in my army of doom. If you are lucky, you will rise in ranks and perhaps become a trusted lackey. Or I might kill you on a whim and roast you for dinner." Shok stamped his feet.
   "Hey now, fella! We don't aim to be slaves in nobody's army, nohow! We just want to pass quietly through this gap and be on our way." Billy Bob looked a bit mad.
   Perky started dancing around, hiding behind rocky outcrops and then re-appearing. Shok turned his head to follow her.
   "Stop that!" he yelled. Perky darted behind him and kicked his shin. "Ow!" He tried to hit her with his staff, but she was too quick and his robes slowed him down. Billy Bob ran up to where Shok was standing and pushed him over. Shok fell with a squeak. "Help!"
   Billy Bob and Perky sat on him. Billy Bob snatched his staff away. He pulled the cowl of the robe back. Staring back at him was a frightened, skinny, pale young man.
   "Get off me!" he grunted. "You're too heavy."
   "Not afore you promise to drop all this nonsense about threats and roastin' us for dinner and all that sir stuff," said Billy Bob.
   "OK! Fine, fine. Just get off me. I think I heard some ribs crack."
   Billy Bob and Perky got off him, but kept the staff. Billy Bob waved it threateningly. Shok sat up and dusted off his robes. "Man, I just got this cleaned."
   Billy Bob glared at him. "Now Mister Shok Rijja, who are you and what's this all about?"
   Shok glared. "OK, fine. I'm not really the Grandmaster of Doom. I'm just lonely, hungry and bored." He looked hopeful. "Do you have anything to eat? I ate a crow last week, but it tasted terrible."
   Billy Bob gave him some food out of his sack. Shok gobbled it up like a tapeworm. After he had eaten, everyone felt more relaxed.
   "Now, if'n you don't mind, we'd like to be on our way," said Billy Bob. Perky nodded.
   "Can I join you? I've been so terribly bored ever since my parents moved away a couple months ago. I may not be the King of Evil, but there are creatures in these hills that are very scary. I hear weird noises at night, and see odd footprints. I've been sleeping in a small cave just up the hill. It's dark and smelly."
   "Only if you give me a piggyback ride!" exclaimed Perky. "My feet are tired. I haven't been this tired since I was at a rave last year and everyone took this drug that was supposed to make you dance better but instead it made everyone forget about time and we danced for days until the people on the farm next door came to make us shut up."
   Shok looked hesitant until Billy Bob gripped the staff tightly. "OK OK. Hop aboard. I hope you're as light as you look." With a squeal, Perky jumped on his back, making him stumble. "Oof."
   The unlikely trio set off down the hill on the other side of the gap. The sun was directly above, and the day promised to be a hot one. Wispy clouds hung listlessly in the sky, the dirt kicked up by their footsteps tumbled awkwardly down the incline, the wind sounded as if it had asthma, and not too far above them, perched on a pointy bit of stone, was a menacing-looking creature. It was like a crow, if a crow was ten feet tall, wore a bowler hat, and wore truly ugly trousers, all mismatched patches and sparkly bits. Its eyes narrowed as it followed the threesome's passage. It began to hum a tune, one that was both familiar and utterly alien. It shifted its feet, then in a leathery flap, took to the sky, soaring far above. It circled for a while, then followed our three.


...to be continued.

  

The Adventures of Snarky Snapdragon #4

   After Snarky Snapdragon figured out how to start the van---most of the buttons and dials seemed to have little purpose other than to tinkle bright melodies and spew candy---he finally pressed a button that started it up.
   "Damn van," he grumbled.
   The three voyagers were packed tightly into the van, which despite its large size and the exodus of the balloon rats, was still stuffed with all manner of toys and other things. A small flying toy that looked vaguely like a sparrow but with glowing red eyes kept bumping into Snarky's head. He swatted it away but it kept coming back as if lovesick.
   "Hey, I think it likes you!" said Stumpy Cucamonga with a leer. Then the toy flew right at Stumpy's nose and he barked out in surprise. The toy began flying erratically around the van and then started banging hard against a window repeatedly. A high-pitched buzzing sound came from it, which really annoyed everyone, so Enver Lovebagge opened a window, grabbed the toy, and tossed it out. It flew behind the van and then exploded with a loud bang and a bright flash, much louder and brighter than would seem possible, considering its small size.
   "Man, good thing that didn't happen in here!" said Enver.
   Snarky just stared grimly at the streets in front of him as he drove, while Stumpy looked around.
   "Hey, there anything to eat in here? I'm starving!"
   Enver and Stumpy looked around the van while Snarky gripped the wheel, his stomach grumbling. "If you see anything that looks like normal food, hand me some," he said.
   Stumpy picked up something that was blue and soft. "What's this? Can I eat it?" He took a bite without waiting for an answer. The thing he bit squeaked and leaked blue fluid. Then it deflated with a loud whistling sound. Stumpy's face screwed up in confusion, then he took another bite.
   "Not bad. A little chewy. Needs salt."
   Enver poked at something that had a light on it. The light started to revolved and emit a rainbow of colours. Then the light went out and a brown pellet the size of a golf ball came out one end. He picked it up and sniffed it suspiciously. "Hm, smells like root beer." He licked it. "Tastes like root beer." He nibbled a bit of it. "It is root beer! A blob of root beer." He ate the rest of it. After a few seconds, his face got a little green. Steam started to pour out of his ears and his hair started glowing. The hair whirled around as if alive, tentacles reaching out, searching for things to grasp and maybe strangle. It got more insistent, angrier, waving around in a frenzy, seeking victims blindly. Enver's eyes rolled around in their sockets and his lips rippled. An obnoxious smell filled the vehicle, causing Stumpy to fall back in terror, and making Snarky grip the steering wheel even harder, determined not to crash. Just as suddenly as it had started, everything stopped. The smell disappeared and Enver's hair was normal again. A silence hung heavily.
   "I guess it's not root beer, huh?" said Stumpy.
   "No," replied Enver. "But it tastes pretty good if you can get over the glowing hair, the smell, and feeling as if you were dead and then reborn in a dimension your brain can't even process."
   Stumpy grabbed a handful of the balls and stuffed them in his mouth. He ate them but nothing unusual happened. His face fell.
   Enver shrugged. "Guess it was a one-time thing."
   "Quit fooling around and find some real food," grumped Snarky. His stomach growled so loud that Stumpy and Enver looked around to find the wild animal that was obviously hiding in the van. When they realized it was Snarky's stomach, they both laughed and tried to find more food.
   All they found were more of the root beer balls and some green liquid that smelled vaguely like alcohol, but might have been old lettuce. They did find one other thing, a yellow strip of something sort of like meat. Snarky ate some and pronounced it crappy but edible.
   After they had been driving for a while, Snarky looked at the gas gauge. 
   "Looks like we're going to need gas, or whatever they use to power the engines here. Anyone see a gas station?"
   Almost immediately, Stumpy cried out that he did see one.
   "Over there, next to the store that looks like an inflated duck!"
   What he was looking at was indeed a building that looked like an inflated duck, with big, wide-open eyes and an orange bill. Situated between two normal stone buildings, it looked as if it was trying to escape, about to pop out at any moment and take off for the skies. Various kinds of people were going in and out: tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, one-legged, two-legged, three-legged...Some of the people didn't look human at all. They had blue faces and tentacles coming out where their eyes should be. Some looked human but you felt a strong sense of dread, as if they embodied some ancient evil waiting to burst forth and enslave humanity. Some just looked like idiots. They streamed in and out in two orderly lines.
   "Good thing that's not the gas station," said Snarky. "Looks like they'd kill you before they'd feed you." He looked thoughtful. "Hey, that's the first time since all this weirdness started happening that I've seen anything that even looked remotely evil. I think things are, I don't know, kind of falling apart. What do you guys think?"
   He parked the van and looked back at the other two.
   Enver and Stumpy were nowhere to be found.


...to be continued.