Snarky Snapdragon was a tall, skeletal man dressed in shabby clothes. He didn't deliberately dress shabby, it's just that he didn't care. His hair was greasy, his skin was dirty, and his mouth was always turned down. He looked miserable, and he felt miserable. Except when he was messing people up.
Right now he was across the street from a group of colourfully dressed people, who were smiling and laughing. His teeth bared at the sight of them. He saw a break in traffic and darted across the street.
"Hey you!" he barked. "Stop that!"
The nearest member of the group, a short man with purple hair and flowers stuck in his ears, looked at Snarky.
"Stop what?" he said.
"That!" said Snarky, his hands waving over the group. "Stop being so happy and colourful. You're making me sick."
"But we're not doing anything except enjoying life right here on this sidewalk! We were enjoying life earlier on a grassy knoll, and in a bit, we'll probably be eating and enjoying that too!" said a tall woman with glittery eyes.
Snarky's eyes squinted. His right arm lashed out and smacked two of the group. He grinned triumphantly. But the people he hit didn't cry out, or cry, or do anything except keep grinning as glittery dust poofed from where Snarky had hit them. His smile faded.
"What the---?" he gasped. He hit some more of the group. The same thing happened. He produced a knife and slashed at them, expecting to see blood. But instead of blood, various small pieces of candy poured out. The people who were candy-bleeding looked down and scooped up some candy and ate it.
"Yummy! Now We'll feel even better with some candy in our tummies!" they exclaimed.
Snarky just stared at them, then suddenly took off down the street. After running a few blocks, he stopped to catch his breath. "This place is weird."
He looked up to see a restaurant. "Just the thing. I'm hungry from running and beating those freaks. At least I think I beat them."
He entered the restaurant, the doorbell tinkling a perky tune. He walked up to the counter and yelled at the person there, a teenage girl with what looked like jellybeans stuck to her face. "Gimme food!"
"Certainly, sir! I would be ecstatic to help you. What kind of food do you desire?"
"Meat! Lots of it. I have a lot of freaks to mangle later on."
The girl's smile paused for a moment, then came back full force. "One meat, coming up!" She pushed the buttons on the register, and every push made a sound. "La! La! La!" She skipped to the kitchen and sang a song about giving a customer meat and how that would make everyone so very happy. The cooks smiled and danced around and joined in on the song. After a few minutes of this, Snarky couldn't take anymore, and hopped over the counter.
"Dammit! You freaky jujubes are chewing on my guts! I hate people like you." He pulled out a gun and started shooting. The bullets hit the singing people, but instead of blood spurting out, red licorice came out, and instead of them collapsing on the ground and screaming and dying like they were supposed to, they just started eating the licorice. He pulled out his knife again and sawed off the head of the nearest cook. It bounced on the clean floor and then a new head grew from the neck and tiny legs grew from the head. Everyone in the place except Snarky started laughing.
"This is so funny and exciting!" they said joyously.
To put it simply, Snarky was shocked. Usually when he mutilated and killed people, they were maimed and dead. All this nonsense about candy blood and new heads was just stupid.
Nothing had gone right all day. Not since he woke up this morning, and his apartment was shining with bright sunlight, and all his furniture looked new. He knew for a fact, because he had chosen it deliberately, that his place was the nastiest, filthiest place in town. Rats were too embarrassed to visit. Local whores and pushers stayed away because it brought down their images. Even crooked politicians stayed at least four blocks away, because that was one scandal they couldn't weather. And that was the way that Snarky Snapdragon liked it. He was the dirtiest, meanest son of a bitch in town, and he planned to stay that way until the day he died.
"Goddamn candy blood," he grimaced.
Something had gone wrong with his town. He had to find out what happened. The first thing he thought of was to visit his old colleague (Snarky didn't have friends) Enver Dirtbagge. He left the restaurant and stole a car (the owner just laughed and said now he could find an exciting new car). Someone was going to pay for the candy blood.
...to be continued.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Monday, January 16, 2017
The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #2
The old rusted bus lay on its side in the parking lot of the abandoned shopping mall. The landscape was desolate and grey, trees withered and wildlife coughing and smoking cigarette butts. The sun was setting, or more accurately, escaping over the horizon. Near the blackened bus, a shady character was attempting to tempt someone with his wares.
"This is the finest jewelry you'll ever see, especially around these parts," said the man, his small glittering eyes focussed greedily on the colourful person of Perky Buttercup. "Cheap, too. I get it wholesale from a cousin of mine."
Perky looked at the jewelry on the old stump next to the man. "And what kind is it, again?"
The man, dirty trenchcoat flapping in the ill wind, said,"For the third time, it's jewelry from the ass of a chicken. The chickens are special poultry from Lithuania, and they eat the jewels. Their unusual digestive systems, made that way by radiation from Chernobyl, polish it in remarkable ways to create a deep glitter..."
At the word "glitter", Perky's face went from slack to wide-mouthed. "I'll take it!"
"How much?" said the man.
"All of it!" said Perky.
"All of it?"
"Yes! I love love love anything glitter. It makes me so happy. So happy I could strangle myself and then revive myself magically! Magic is real, you know."
The dirty man looked at Perky. "Yes...of course....anyway, that'll be, uh, a hundred dollars."
Perky's eyes shined."This is your lucky day, Mister Jewel Man! I have something better than money! I have hugs and smiles to give you!" Perky smiled and hugged the man very hard, then skipped away to the mall. The man was startled and stared for a moment, then began to shout.
"Hey you! You owe me a hundred bucks!" He started running after Perky, but tripped on the stump and fell flat on his face. There was a piece of rebar sticking out of the cracked asphalt and it pierced his face all the way through. A bird, which had been flying overhead, stopped mid-air in the long, cold silence. Suddenly, blood came gushing out of the man's head, squirting so high it hit the bird. Covered in oddly gritty blood, it plummeted to the ground and burst into flames. The flames spread to the wrecked bus and set it on fire. In between the flames, more blood erupted. The fire and blood twisted around each other and glowed like rubies from Mars.
Inside the mall, Perky danced between the broken glass, mannequin chunks, and pieces of bone. All the stores looked good to Perky, but there was no time for window shopping.
"La la la. I smell something good! Is it me?" Perky sniffed. "No, but I see something shiny up ahead."
Ghostly sounds whispered through the corridors. Small rat-like creatures scurried, most with eyeballs in their jaws. Perky ignored all this and ran down corridor after corridor, until the promised land was ahead.
"An indoor swimming pool! Yay! That makes me so happy!" Perky clapped and danced around in the mist and the gloom and the petrified bodies of children.
The pool room was as decrepit as the rest of the mall, but the pool itself looked brand new. An eerie glow filled the basin. Perky noticed something.
"It isn't filled with water....it's filled with...magic!"
Not water, not magic, but a kind of liquid mist. Floating on the soft blue surface were scores of round things with eyes and little O mouths. They made a very soft squeaking sound. "Help us..." they seemed to say.
"Cannonball!" squealed Perky. Perky's colourful, thin body leaped into the pool and splashed among the little critters, who bobbed sadly, tears streaming from their eyes. It seems their tears were what was filling the pool.
Perky splashed and bobbed around. "If only I knew how to swim! Good thing I can float." Perky patted one of the little round creatures. "You're so cute!"
The creature said in a thin croak,"Please hel--"
"Hey!" exclaimed Perky. "What's that? More fun playmates?"
Two long dark shadows darted under the surface of the pool, circling Perky and the nearest little bobbing balls of sadness. Sharp fins broke the surface. The little creatures started bobbing madly and crying even harder. Perky's mouth stretched as wide as it could go. "Adventure!"
One of the sharkish animals moved swiftly and gobbled a ball. It raised its head and laughed. After a moment, it burped and then the little ball critter popped out its ass, covered in sticky green stuff. It started bobbing and crying.
"That," said Perky in an awed whisper,"was the most incredible thing I've ever seen, and I've seen eight people play hackysack at the same time! While juggling soup!"
The shark thing turned its head and looked at Perky. It frowned, just noticing Perky's presence. It pulled out a big knife and started whipping it around, slashing through many of the little bobbing balls. Their tears were mixed with blood as the knife cut them in two. The other shark thing did the same thing, and they closed in on Perky. The pool soon turned from blue to deep red, as everywhere the little ball things were turned into gory half-balls. Their tears and wails filled the air. It seemed almost impossible that these creatures had so much blood and tears in them, but that's the way things go sometimes, I guess.
The shark creatures were starting to get blinded by the blood, which sprayed a red mist, and the waves caused by their motions had flecks of spongy matter, probably brains and guts or something like that. They got closer and closer.
Perky looked so excited. "Pretty colours!"
Just as it looked like Perky might get slashed by the angry shark beasts, something caught Perky's eye. "What's this?" Perky pressed a large red button. A huge slurping sound echoed through the room and all the liquid in the pool was sucked down through a giant plug hole. The little crying balls, the shark things, and finally Perky too followed.
"Yay! A fun ride! I wonder where this goes to?"
...to be continued.
"This is the finest jewelry you'll ever see, especially around these parts," said the man, his small glittering eyes focussed greedily on the colourful person of Perky Buttercup. "Cheap, too. I get it wholesale from a cousin of mine."
Perky looked at the jewelry on the old stump next to the man. "And what kind is it, again?"
The man, dirty trenchcoat flapping in the ill wind, said,"For the third time, it's jewelry from the ass of a chicken. The chickens are special poultry from Lithuania, and they eat the jewels. Their unusual digestive systems, made that way by radiation from Chernobyl, polish it in remarkable ways to create a deep glitter..."
At the word "glitter", Perky's face went from slack to wide-mouthed. "I'll take it!"
"How much?" said the man.
"All of it!" said Perky.
"All of it?"
"Yes! I love love love anything glitter. It makes me so happy. So happy I could strangle myself and then revive myself magically! Magic is real, you know."
The dirty man looked at Perky. "Yes...of course....anyway, that'll be, uh, a hundred dollars."
Perky's eyes shined."This is your lucky day, Mister Jewel Man! I have something better than money! I have hugs and smiles to give you!" Perky smiled and hugged the man very hard, then skipped away to the mall. The man was startled and stared for a moment, then began to shout.
"Hey you! You owe me a hundred bucks!" He started running after Perky, but tripped on the stump and fell flat on his face. There was a piece of rebar sticking out of the cracked asphalt and it pierced his face all the way through. A bird, which had been flying overhead, stopped mid-air in the long, cold silence. Suddenly, blood came gushing out of the man's head, squirting so high it hit the bird. Covered in oddly gritty blood, it plummeted to the ground and burst into flames. The flames spread to the wrecked bus and set it on fire. In between the flames, more blood erupted. The fire and blood twisted around each other and glowed like rubies from Mars.
Inside the mall, Perky danced between the broken glass, mannequin chunks, and pieces of bone. All the stores looked good to Perky, but there was no time for window shopping.
"La la la. I smell something good! Is it me?" Perky sniffed. "No, but I see something shiny up ahead."
Ghostly sounds whispered through the corridors. Small rat-like creatures scurried, most with eyeballs in their jaws. Perky ignored all this and ran down corridor after corridor, until the promised land was ahead.
"An indoor swimming pool! Yay! That makes me so happy!" Perky clapped and danced around in the mist and the gloom and the petrified bodies of children.
The pool room was as decrepit as the rest of the mall, but the pool itself looked brand new. An eerie glow filled the basin. Perky noticed something.
"It isn't filled with water....it's filled with...magic!"
Not water, not magic, but a kind of liquid mist. Floating on the soft blue surface were scores of round things with eyes and little O mouths. They made a very soft squeaking sound. "Help us..." they seemed to say.
"Cannonball!" squealed Perky. Perky's colourful, thin body leaped into the pool and splashed among the little critters, who bobbed sadly, tears streaming from their eyes. It seems their tears were what was filling the pool.
Perky splashed and bobbed around. "If only I knew how to swim! Good thing I can float." Perky patted one of the little round creatures. "You're so cute!"
The creature said in a thin croak,"Please hel--"
"Hey!" exclaimed Perky. "What's that? More fun playmates?"
Two long dark shadows darted under the surface of the pool, circling Perky and the nearest little bobbing balls of sadness. Sharp fins broke the surface. The little creatures started bobbing madly and crying even harder. Perky's mouth stretched as wide as it could go. "Adventure!"
One of the sharkish animals moved swiftly and gobbled a ball. It raised its head and laughed. After a moment, it burped and then the little ball critter popped out its ass, covered in sticky green stuff. It started bobbing and crying.
"That," said Perky in an awed whisper,"was the most incredible thing I've ever seen, and I've seen eight people play hackysack at the same time! While juggling soup!"
The shark thing turned its head and looked at Perky. It frowned, just noticing Perky's presence. It pulled out a big knife and started whipping it around, slashing through many of the little bobbing balls. Their tears were mixed with blood as the knife cut them in two. The other shark thing did the same thing, and they closed in on Perky. The pool soon turned from blue to deep red, as everywhere the little ball things were turned into gory half-balls. Their tears and wails filled the air. It seemed almost impossible that these creatures had so much blood and tears in them, but that's the way things go sometimes, I guess.
The shark creatures were starting to get blinded by the blood, which sprayed a red mist, and the waves caused by their motions had flecks of spongy matter, probably brains and guts or something like that. They got closer and closer.
Perky looked so excited. "Pretty colours!"
Just as it looked like Perky might get slashed by the angry shark beasts, something caught Perky's eye. "What's this?" Perky pressed a large red button. A huge slurping sound echoed through the room and all the liquid in the pool was sucked down through a giant plug hole. The little crying balls, the shark things, and finally Perky too followed.
"Yay! A fun ride! I wonder where this goes to?"
...to be continued.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
The Adventures of Perky Buttercup #1
There was a planet called Earth. On this planet was a large mound of dirt. On this mound of dirt was a small, thin, colourful creature called Perky Buttercup. Perky was very positive. The world was not.
"Hey, jackass! Get off my mound of dirt!" yelled a grimy old man.
"Isn't this such a wonderful mound of dirt?" said Perky. "Isn't this such a wonderful day? I could sing!"
The old man looked pained. "Please don't...whoever, or whatever you are. You can stay on my dirt for one more minute, and then I'm releasing the gharials."
Perky seemed to not hear the old man, and started twirling around. "La la la!"
The old man looked at his watch, saw that it was broken, and muttered,"Good enough."
He whistled loudly, and a pack of lowrider gharials came storming out of a shed, teeth gnashing, eyes bristling and tails aquiver. They howled and squeaked and did whatever gharials do. Possibly they had matted fur, I can't say for sure. The night was dark and the dirt was dirty.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flock of shiny birds came swooping out of the murky sky and attacked the gharials. They fought viciously, blood and fur and leggings and eyes just squirting everywhere. The old man stepped in and punched what he could reach, but he was no match and soon his limbs were falling off his body and his thin blood was spraying everyone, including near our hero Perky.
Perky stopped twirling to take in the carnage. Perky looked a little sad. But only for a moment, and then Perky said,"I bet they're all having so much fun! Too bad I'm not athletic, or I'd join in!"
Perky scrambled off the mound of dirt and caught a city bus that happened to have a stop there. The bus was long and yellow and made Perky laugh. "It's like I'm riding a banana! That's very appealing. Get it? A-peel-ing?"
The old woman sitting next to Perky snorted. "That's a terrible joke."
A group of young toughs at the back of the rusting bus with loose screws pulled out guns. They were all exactly 6 feet tall and had black hair and talked like Elmer Fudd.
"We want evewybody to give us their money. Vewy quickwy."
The dispirited, shabbily-dressed and sickly people on the bus gave everything they had to the robbers. Some gave money, some gave gold, some gave their children. One man gave his wig. The night air outside whistled through the bullet holes on the bus. Perky smiled.
"All I have are smiles and hugs to give!"
The bus grew silent. Even the air stopped whistling.
The lead robber, called Millicent, snarled. "How dawe you! Don't you weawize who we awe? We want youw money, and we want it now!"
Perky Buttercup smiled and shrugged. Glitter puffed into the air. The robbers raised their weapons. They charged. Before they could get to Perky, or even shoot their guns (which weren't loaded anyway), they tripped on a piece of bus seat that had become dislodged and was hanging loosely in the aisle. The robbers, as one, fell on their ugly faces and blood began to spurt from their necks and arms and floogles. The entire vehicle was slippery in gore and blood and pus. People were screaming, people were yelling, people were making business deals on their phones. The bus driver awoke and started yelling too, blood raining from his open mouth for no reason I can think of. He started pawing at the steering wheel like it was an angry snake and the bus careened out of control.
Perky's mouth formed an O and Perky leaped to the driver's seat, pushed the driver out of the way, and took over.
"This would be an even funner bus ride if I knew how to drive!" Perky exclaimed as the bus whipped from side to side, hitting garbage cans and cats and small moons, screeching loudly with the parking brake on as it zoomed into the sunset.
The End.
"Hey, jackass! Get off my mound of dirt!" yelled a grimy old man.
"Isn't this such a wonderful mound of dirt?" said Perky. "Isn't this such a wonderful day? I could sing!"
The old man looked pained. "Please don't...whoever, or whatever you are. You can stay on my dirt for one more minute, and then I'm releasing the gharials."
Perky seemed to not hear the old man, and started twirling around. "La la la!"
The old man looked at his watch, saw that it was broken, and muttered,"Good enough."
He whistled loudly, and a pack of lowrider gharials came storming out of a shed, teeth gnashing, eyes bristling and tails aquiver. They howled and squeaked and did whatever gharials do. Possibly they had matted fur, I can't say for sure. The night was dark and the dirt was dirty.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flock of shiny birds came swooping out of the murky sky and attacked the gharials. They fought viciously, blood and fur and leggings and eyes just squirting everywhere. The old man stepped in and punched what he could reach, but he was no match and soon his limbs were falling off his body and his thin blood was spraying everyone, including near our hero Perky.
Perky stopped twirling to take in the carnage. Perky looked a little sad. But only for a moment, and then Perky said,"I bet they're all having so much fun! Too bad I'm not athletic, or I'd join in!"
Perky scrambled off the mound of dirt and caught a city bus that happened to have a stop there. The bus was long and yellow and made Perky laugh. "It's like I'm riding a banana! That's very appealing. Get it? A-peel-ing?"
The old woman sitting next to Perky snorted. "That's a terrible joke."
A group of young toughs at the back of the rusting bus with loose screws pulled out guns. They were all exactly 6 feet tall and had black hair and talked like Elmer Fudd.
"We want evewybody to give us their money. Vewy quickwy."
The dispirited, shabbily-dressed and sickly people on the bus gave everything they had to the robbers. Some gave money, some gave gold, some gave their children. One man gave his wig. The night air outside whistled through the bullet holes on the bus. Perky smiled.
"All I have are smiles and hugs to give!"
The bus grew silent. Even the air stopped whistling.
The lead robber, called Millicent, snarled. "How dawe you! Don't you weawize who we awe? We want youw money, and we want it now!"
Perky Buttercup smiled and shrugged. Glitter puffed into the air. The robbers raised their weapons. They charged. Before they could get to Perky, or even shoot their guns (which weren't loaded anyway), they tripped on a piece of bus seat that had become dislodged and was hanging loosely in the aisle. The robbers, as one, fell on their ugly faces and blood began to spurt from their necks and arms and floogles. The entire vehicle was slippery in gore and blood and pus. People were screaming, people were yelling, people were making business deals on their phones. The bus driver awoke and started yelling too, blood raining from his open mouth for no reason I can think of. He started pawing at the steering wheel like it was an angry snake and the bus careened out of control.
Perky's mouth formed an O and Perky leaped to the driver's seat, pushed the driver out of the way, and took over.
"This would be an even funner bus ride if I knew how to drive!" Perky exclaimed as the bus whipped from side to side, hitting garbage cans and cats and small moons, screeching loudly with the parking brake on as it zoomed into the sunset.
The End.
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