There was a planet called Earth. On this planet was a large mound of dirt. On this mound of dirt was a small, thin, colourful creature called Perky Buttercup. Perky was very positive. The world was not.
"Hey, jackass! Get off my mound of dirt!" yelled a grimy old man.
"Isn't this such a wonderful mound of dirt?" said Perky. "Isn't this such a wonderful day? I could sing!"
The old man looked pained. "Please don't...whoever, or whatever you are. You can stay on my dirt for one more minute, and then I'm releasing the gharials."
Perky seemed to not hear the old man, and started twirling around. "La la la!"
The old man looked at his watch, saw that it was broken, and muttered,"Good enough."
He whistled loudly, and a pack of lowrider gharials came storming out of a shed, teeth gnashing, eyes bristling and tails aquiver. They howled and squeaked and did whatever gharials do. Possibly they had matted fur, I can't say for sure. The night was dark and the dirt was dirty.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flock of shiny birds came swooping out of the murky sky and attacked the gharials. They fought viciously, blood and fur and leggings and eyes just squirting everywhere. The old man stepped in and punched what he could reach, but he was no match and soon his limbs were falling off his body and his thin blood was spraying everyone, including near our hero Perky.
Perky stopped twirling to take in the carnage. Perky looked a little sad. But only for a moment, and then Perky said,"I bet they're all having so much fun! Too bad I'm not athletic, or I'd join in!"
Perky scrambled off the mound of dirt and caught a city bus that happened to have a stop there. The bus was long and yellow and made Perky laugh. "It's like I'm riding a banana! That's very appealing. Get it? A-peel-ing?"
The old woman sitting next to Perky snorted. "That's a terrible joke."
A group of young toughs at the back of the rusting bus with loose screws pulled out guns. They were all exactly 6 feet tall and had black hair and talked like Elmer Fudd.
"We want evewybody to give us their money. Vewy quickwy."
The dispirited, shabbily-dressed and sickly people on the bus gave everything they had to the robbers. Some gave money, some gave gold, some gave their children. One man gave his wig. The night air outside whistled through the bullet holes on the bus. Perky smiled.
"All I have are smiles and hugs to give!"
The bus grew silent. Even the air stopped whistling.
The lead robber, called Millicent, snarled. "How dawe you! Don't you weawize who we awe? We want youw money, and we want it now!"
Perky Buttercup smiled and shrugged. Glitter puffed into the air. The robbers raised their weapons. They charged. Before they could get to Perky, or even shoot their guns (which weren't loaded anyway), they tripped on a piece of bus seat that had become dislodged and was hanging loosely in the aisle. The robbers, as one, fell on their ugly faces and blood began to spurt from their necks and arms and floogles. The entire vehicle was slippery in gore and blood and pus. People were screaming, people were yelling, people were making business deals on their phones. The bus driver awoke and started yelling too, blood raining from his open mouth for no reason I can think of. He started pawing at the steering wheel like it was an angry snake and the bus careened out of control.
Perky's mouth formed an O and Perky leaped to the driver's seat, pushed the driver out of the way, and took over.
"This would be an even funner bus ride if I knew how to drive!" Perky exclaimed as the bus whipped from side to side, hitting garbage cans and cats and small moons, screeching loudly with the parking brake on as it zoomed into the sunset.
The End.
No comments:
Post a Comment