"Hello, dear," said Cyril to the shambling heap.
"Dear?" said Billy Bob. "You know this....thing?"
"Of course," he replied. "This is my wife."
"Your wife?!" exclaimed Perky. Something small and made of metal fell off something else. Bang.
"Well, if you want to get persnickety, she used to be my wife. In all the hubbub involving me ending up here, she was caught in some sort of mysterious energy beam, the likes of which I had never seen before. It sort of pulled her apart and put her back together, along with the cat, but it wasn't put together the right way." Cyril looked half sad and half glad.
"Ain't it kinda awkward?" asked Billy Bob. "I mean, where's her mouth?"
The heap shuffled a bit from side to side. It looked a little sad, if something that looked like nothing could look like anything. There wasn't a lot of room in the tower, and it must have been uncomfortable for Cyril and his wife-thing to be in the same space. On the other hand...well...I don't think there was another hand. Except on the heap, which looked like it had more than the usual amount of hands and paws.
It made a sound like a very large cat at the bottom of a deep well making a sad meowing sound.
"Oh, she's hungry. Let me feed her," said Cyril. He went over to a table and grabbed something that looked like mouldy garbage. He took it to his wife and pressed it against her body. After a few seconds, it disappeared, absorbed into the interior.
Perky's eyed were big and round. "Cool!" she said "I wish I could eat like that."
Cyril looked sadly at her. "No, no you don't. I think it's quite painful for her." He smiled suddenly. "Well, on to the chamber!"
"The chamber?" asked Billy Bob.
"Yes! Where all the action is. You know, you lot showing up should prove to be very fortunate. My wife, ah, can't assist me in my experiments anymore due to her not having workable hands, Or a mouth. Or eyes. I think. But you! Four healthy hands I presume"---he looked at their hands---"so you can help me escape from this nightmare land!"
He led them to another room, the entrance to which they hadn't seen due to it being behind a very large cabinet. He went through the narrow space between wall and cabinet, sucking in his stomach. His fingers beckoned them to follow.
When they were all in the chamber, they were awestruck. It was filled with equipment even stranger than the other room.
"What the heck is all this stuff?" said Billy Bob.
Perky touched some piece of metal with lights on it. Cyril noticed it.
"Don't touch!" he barked. She dropped it like it had teeth. A little drop of blood oozed out of it from a seam, and a low sighing sound was heard.
Perky jumped back with a squeak.
"It's...in a bad mood," said Cyril. When Billy Bob started to ask what it was, Cyril waved him off impatiently.
"I need help to properly calibrate this thing." He pointed to a huge metal box, covered in flashing lights and levers. On the left side was a glass door.
"So what do we do?" asked Billy Bob.
"I want you to go over to that door and go inside. No, not you, the little one. She's the right size."
Perky was innocent enough that she just saw it as a fun new thing to do, not a possibly fatal experiment by a small, scruffy man who was probably a mad scientist or maybe just an escaped lunatic. She went over and opened the glass door on the box.
"Tell my friends I love them!" she said, unexpectedly ominous. She stepped inside and closed the door.
Cyril turned to Billy Bob. "I want you to go over there." He pointed at a smaller metal box that had only one large button on it in the middle. "When I say 'go!', you press that button. Don't delay! Hesitation is for losers!" He rubbed his hands together and cackled a little.
"What I am going to do is, of course, the most important part," he continued. His eyes seemed to glow a bit. Billy Bob shuffled nervously. The overhead lights flickered.
Cyril grabbed something from a table that looked like a steering wheel with buttons in the middle. He pressed one, then another, then looked at Billy Bob. "Time is of the essence!"
"Why's that?" asked Billy Bob.
"Well, you know those horrible creatures outside who wanted to eat you? Well, they do want to eat you. And me. All of us. I don't know if they're cannibals by birth, or whether they're just really hungry because this land is awful and nothing grows here. They've been trying to get inside this tower since I arrived, and even though the walls are really thick, when crazed flesh-eating monster people bang against it for a long time, the walls weaken. Let me tell you, it can be hard to conduct my experiments with that loud bang! bang! bang! sound going on. And the growling sounds, too. Bang! Growl! Ooh! Aah! It can drive a man mad, mad I say!" He stopped and looked at Billy Bob with a sly grin. "Not that I'm mad. I'm feeling much better now."
He pressed a couple more buttons.
"Are you ready?" he asked. Billy Bob nodded.
Cyril pressed one final button. The steering wheel made a loud PING! He pointed to Billy Bob. "Now!"
Billy Bob pressed the big button. For a long, agonizing moment, nothing happened. Then all the lights on the big metal box lit up, all racing around each other in a crazy pattern. A bright green light lit up the small room Perky was in, clouding up the glass door in a thick mist. The large box started shaking and making a keening sound, like a turtle trying to sing opera. The lights in the room went off and on several times. Cyril fell to the floor, then got back up. He started yelling.
"Yes, baby, yes! Finally!"
All the sounds and lights suddenly stopped. An eerie silence boomed out. Cyril darted for the exit. Billy Bob went over to the glass door and let Perky out. She looked up at him.
"What happened?"
Billy Bob looked in the direction Cyril had gone. He scratched his cheek. "I don't rightly know. Maybe somethin', maybe nothin'. Guess we can go have a look see."
They both followed Cyril, squeezing their way back to the main room.
He stood there, arms around his wife-thing. He let go and danced towards Billy Bob and Perky. "Whoohoo!"
"Well? What happened?" asked Perky. She looked excited and scared at the same time.
"I have no idea! Let's go look, shall we?" Cyril looked more ruffled than he usually did. He walked over to the door and put his ear to it. He stood there for a full minute, listening. Perky and Billy Bob didn't dare interrupt; they were paralyzed by doubt. Finally Cyril opened the door. He squinted, then stepped outside. There was no sound of him being torn to pieces. In fact, there was no sound at all except a low sound like wind. Perky and Billy Bob looked at each other. Perky took Billy Bob's hand and they walked out the door after Cyril.
What they saw surprised them. Not a ravaged landscape inhabited by feral people. It was white. Bluish-white. Ice. It was a land of ice and snow, with what looked like a midnight sun. In the distance was what looked like a giant castle made of ice, with turrets and spires and many windows. Cyril was looking at it in awe.
"W-what is it?" asked Perky, cold breath coming out of her mouth.
"Hell if I know. Shit, it didn't work. All I know is that we're not in Kansas anymore."
"Where's Kansas?" asked Billy Bob.
"Oh," said Cyril. "I guess you wouldn't know. It's a flat land where strange people grow tall plants. Sometimes tornadoes come along and blow it all down, and they start all over again. And again..."
"Sounds scary," said Perky, rubbing her hands together. "Is this England?"
"Not at all!" said Cyril. "Maybe England fifty thousand years ago. No, England is a green land, full of trees and rivers and polluted cities." He rubbed his hands together. "Boy howdy, it's cold! Before we go to that castle I'm going to put on some warmer clothing!" He walked briskly back into his tower. "There's some for you too, if you want it."
When they were back inside, they saw a strange sight. OK, so all they ever saw was strange sights, but this was stranger. Cyril's wife, the mess of a heap, was glowing in a pale blue light. It crackled all over her, crawling around her body like snakes on speed. She stood there unmoving, either by choice or by force. Suddenly, she was covered in a cone of blue light, and they all covered their eyes. A loud sound like a burp was heard, and then nothing. They opened their eyes. The heap was gone, replaced by a woman with long dark hair and a look of surprise on her face. She seemed to have a small third eyebrow above her left eyebrow, but looked otherwise normal.
Cyril broke out in a smile. "Darling!" he shouted. "Welcome back!" He ran over and embraced her warmly.
She continued to look surprised.
Cyril looked concerned. "Darling?" He looked into her eyes. Her mouth opened.
"Beep," she said.
"Hm, I was afraid of this. When she eventually returned from the zygosian dimensional interregnum like I knew she would, it would be a little disorienting. I only hope her brainwaves haven't been compromised." He frowned.
"What would happen then?" asked Billy Bob.
"She'd be left with a completely blank mind! I'd have to re-educate her from scratch, and I simply don't have the time. I'd have to leave her with others, and who can you trust in this day and age? Probably some seedy tutors who got their degrees from a back alley diploma gang! No, no, that won't do. Well," he sighed. "I guess I'll have to have her tag along and do what I can do."
After they had all dressed in warmer clothing, they stepped outside to begin their journey to the ice castle. However, right outside was an odd being. It looked like a penguin, but pink and green instead of black and white. It shimmered and separated into two of them.
"Greetings!" said Penguin One.
"Follow us!" said Penguin Two.
When our gang looked hesitant, the penguins glowed and tendrils of light zapped out and stung them.
"The Emperor is waiting," they said in unison.
Everybody started walking.
...to be continued.
