The strange figures lunged forward into the light, stumbling and falling over each other. They were accompanied by a stench and creaky, moaning sounds. Snarky and Tinky's eyes bulged and their noses wrinkled.
"Oh, it's you guys," said Snarky.
Stumpy and Enver looked up.
"Hey, you!" slurred Stumpy. "G'ta see ya gain...". He waved his hands. "We've been somewhere."
"Yeah, I figured," said Snarky. "Where exactly were you?"
Enver looked up from his careful study of his shoes. His hair was covered in dust. "Somewhere wonderful...somewhere full of light and wood and glass and....and..."
"Booze!" yelled Stumpy, flapping his large feet on the floor. He danced around in a circle, which proved to be a bad idea, as the floor lurched up to meet him. He fell with a soft slap.
Enver looked at him and started laughing so hard he fell over to the floor, too.
Snarky bent over them and glared. "Where did you two come from?"
"Our mothers!" laughed Stumpy. "Why, were you cloned from bat wings?"
Snarky sighed. "No, I mean where did you come from just a moment ago? And where was all this boozing done? You were in the back of the van, and then you weren't."
"Oh, that," said Enver. "A funny little man with a flower head appeared out of nowhere and winked. What can you do about that? You just do what a flower head wants---everybody knows that. So anyway, he teleported us or something, and next we knew, we were in some sort of magic bar. Drinks were free! Can't beat that."
Stumpy continued. "The place was great! Lots of dark wood, and pictures of women on the walls. Glass eyes were stuck everywhere---my dream! There were people there, but kinda ghostly. You try and talk to 'em, but they disappear when you get close. Oh well, the drunker we got, the less we cared."
"And then," said Enver, "we had to go take a leak, and when we went into the bathroom, we ended up here instead. Funniest thing ever!" A little bit of puke dribbled out and onto his shirt.
Snarky and Tinky stared. Tinky opened his mouth.
"Just why is there a portal in my house? You think I'd know!" His eyebrows wiggled around. "I hope you lot didn't ruin anything."
"Yeah, like this place is in pristine condition," sneered Snarky. He coughed as some dust got in his nose.
Tinky made for the back. "I think I wanna check this out." Snarky followed.
"Yeah, as I've been saying, this world seems to be breaking down. We should follow all leads."
"What about what those girls said about going east?"
"After we check out this portal, then we'll go east. East isn't going anywhere." Snarky chuckled. "Unless the magnetic poles change."
Stumpy elbowed Enver. "Hey, hey...we should go follow them. We'll show 'em how great this bar is! I don't know what kind of booze that was, but it was the best I ever had." He belched. "Oh yeah....seconds.."
With a struggle, they both got up and followed the other two.
After Snarky and Tinky fought their way through some serious cobwebs, and Stumpy and Enver stumbled after, bouncing off the walls and stumbling over obstacles only they could see, they came into a small room.
"I hope you guys didn't piss in here," said Tinky apprehensively. "I sometimes bring lady friends here. It's a special room."
"What, this crappy broom closet?" laughed Snarky. "Well, I shouldn't laugh. I've had my fun in worse rooms. And with worse people!"
Tinky looked a little hurt. "It's my special room!"
"OK OK, calm down," said Snarky. He turned to Enver and Stumpy, who were leaning against each other. "So where did you come through?" Their heads bonked against each other lightly, causing them to coo and giggle.
"Oh," said Stumpy. "Right there." He pointed.
Everyone looked at the blank wall.
"Where exactly? That's a blank wall," said Tinky.
Stumpy's eyes focussed, then went cross-eyed, then with a struggle, he focussed them again. His hand wavered as he pointed at the wall. "THERE!"
As they watched, the wall wobbled, turned blue and swirly, and a low whispering sound was heard. Enver broke from the group and plunged through. With a yell, Stumpy grabbed a broom and followed.
"My special broom!" cried Tinky as he ran after Stumpy and vanished into the blue.
Snarky glared and sighed and looked at the ceiling, where he saw a crayon drawing of a naked woman. "This is all I need. Those idiots....well, I have nothing better to do than follow some idiots. Oh wait, I have to go east, find an old man in a cave, and solve this crazy mystery!"
He looked around the room. It was dark, dusty and cramped. Various broken bits of furniture cluttered the edges. "Special room, all right. For a special person. Special in the head!" He jumped into the portal.
After what seemed like a long time and not very long at all, he popped out the other side. He felt a little wet, like he took a shower in mist. After a moment, he looked around. Stumpy, Tinky, and Enver were a few feet away holding onto each other in fear. He couldn't understand why. He walked over to them.
The place they were in was mostly dark, but it didn't look like a bar.
"Hey," he said,"I thought you said this was a bar, the greatest bar you'd ever been in. It looks like a dank underground dungeon. What gives?"
Tinky turned to him, eyes huge and bulging with fright. "Y-you mean you don't know?"
"Know what? We made a wrong turn? Portals aren't reliable modes of transportation? You guys need to suck it up?"
Just then, a tall figure emerged from the gloom. It advanced with deliberation. The three shivering figures behind Snarky whimpered. He heard some pee hitting the floor.
The figure appeared suddenly in the little pool of light where our foursome were. It was a red balloon on a string, attached to some ragged clothing. A face was drawn on it with a black marker. It spoke with a high-pitched female voice.
"Welcome to the Balloon Fight Club, gents! We're very pleased to have new meat for the battle!" The drawn eyebrows frowned a little. "Even though you don't look very strong. Oh well. I've seen some fighters get by on gumption and attitude." She turned away, then turned back and beckoned them forward.
As she led the way, she was heard muttering,"Lots and lots of gumption..."
...to be continued.
