Snarky, Malarkey, Stumpy, and Tinky fell off the cliff into the cool air, the sunset cobwebbing its spindly red and orange fingers across their terrified faces. At first they didn't even yell or scream because all of their breaths were stolen by fear. They fell for what seemed like ages, but was really only about five seconds before they fell into some prickly bushes on a ledge just below the one they were on. The relief they felt was replaced by pain as they tried to escape from the bushes, and then they felt fear again as the ledge, thin and ancient, gave way and they once again plummeted to their certain doom. This time they fell a lot longer. A vulture that was flying after a mouse that had also fallen was distracted by our quartet and made a violent U-turn after new, juicier prey, but then realized they were falling far too fast for it to catch. It then turned back to the mouse, but the frightened mouse realized it was a bat, spread its wings and flew back to its cave where it was attacked by some mutant caterpillars with fangs and knives, which caused it to fly in fright back out of the cave where it was noticed by the hungry vulture, which chased it and so on.
"Those are some dumb animals," said Stumpy.
"What was that?" asked Tinky.
"I mean---AUGHHH!" replied Stumpy.
For some reason Snarky and Malarkey discovered they had a deck of cards between them, so they played 52 Pickup.
"You get it!", "No, you get it!"
"Wait a second," said Snarky. "We should be a lot more scared of falling to our certain doom."
Malarkey sniffed the air. "Ah, we should, but I realized we're in the Apathy Crack. A certain kind of gas is released by the volcanic rocks, and it drugs you. We should be screaming ourselves hoarse."
"So, when we land with a giant splat, we might do it with a smile on our faces?" said Snarky.
"Well, most probably."
They decided to just go with the flow and see what happened. The mountains and valley were spectacularly beautiful. The rock was a sort of brownish red with gold flecks, and the sides were very smooth with occasional ledges sticking out. Sometimes an intrepid plant clung to the side and managed to succeed at living there, feasting on droplets of water that sprayed randomly during storms. The valley below was bisected by a sparkling blue river, surrounded by lush green fields. Small boats floated down the river, and off in the distance was a small village of many colours.
"Hey, brother, do you think we might fall into the river and survive?" asked Snarky. His normally grumpy demeanour was softened by the gas drug.
"Possibly, if we aren't cracked in half by surface tension. The river isn't that deep for the most part, although there are some deep pools. You know, we might get out of this after all. On the other hand, we might die, too." Malarkey stared into the distance for a while, then scratched his leg.
Tinky and Stumpy had managed to grab each other and held on for dear life. Their natural fear wasn't tempered very much by the gas drug. They mostly held on so they didn't get lost.
The ground got closer and closer. A few people on the ground, farmers and boaters, looked up and their eyes and mouths got wider as they saw the foursome fall ever closer. Our group saw the people on the ground and since the gas drug had worn off right at that very moment, their mouths also opened wide but loud, panicky screams came out. Just as it seemed that all these fine, fine people would meet in a less than ideal way pretty soon, they just stopped.
Tinky, Malarkey, Snarky and Stumpy were suspended just above the ground, and the ground people, seeing that nothing bad was going to happen, went back to what they were doing, which was stumbling around high on drugs.
Once they were on the ground safely, our gang decided to walk to the village and see if they could get some food, lodging and a car of some sort, maybe a van with flames on it, or a pickup truck with mag wheels. The villagers just gazed at them in a haze and said, "Sup?"
The dirt road leading to the village wound its way through the fields, which had some crops growing in them, but mostly just marijuana and coca plants. Occasionally they saw a rotting wooden cart or a skeleton covered in rags by the roadside, but there weren't very many people. The ones they did see seemed high or apathetic, or sometimes a little sad, and once they saw three people playing tiddly winks, but basically it was a whole lot of nothing.
After they had trudged for a bit, sweaty and dusty, hungry and thirsty, Snarky noticed something.
"Hey, Stumpy," he said. "All of these people have huge feet, just like you."
And he was right. The people were short, and they all had very long feet. They also had funny-looking noses, too, but that's not important.
Stumpy stared at them. He had never seen anyone with feet like his before. He just thought he was a freak, and after many years of drug abuse and therapy, had come to accept it. Now he realized he was some sort of crazy orphan. He ran up to Snarky and punched him in the arm.
"Ow! What the hell?" yelled Snarky.
"That's for making fun of me all these years! I'm not a freak! I'm a crazy orphan!"
Snarky rubbed his arm. "Just because there's a whole village of clown-footed people, doesn't make you any less of a freak, man. In fact, it just magnifies your freakiness. Now I have way more people to make fun of, and because of your bizarre boats, none of you can catch me." He laughed and ran away. Stumpy tried to follow, but his long feet flapped like broken wings, and he just yelled in frustration.
One of the villagers who wasn't as high as the rest looked at Stumpy and smiled.
"Hey, dude! You're normal, like us!" He pointed to his feet. "Who're your baby feet friends?"
"Just some jerks," replied Stumpy, frowning.
"My name is Humpy Rutabaga. What's yours?"
"Stumpy Cucamonga."
"Oh wow! I wonder if you're related to Rumpy Cucamonga. He's the mayor of Pleng."
"What's Pleng?" asked Stumpy.
"Pleng is what we call our village. Well, it used to have another name, but then we forgot what it was. The mayor tried to remember for a whole week, and then he fell off a barrel and said 'Pleng' and that's what we call it. Some people wanted to call it Rocket Frog, but that was just an advertising ploy."
"Well, maybe we should meet your mayor," said Snarky. "We have a lot of things to discuss, like food, water, lodgings..."
"Oh, that shouldn't be any problem. We got all that stuff. Nobody really comes through here anymore, except if they fall from the mountains, but usually they die in the river." Humpy smiled and pushed his floppy yellow hat back. He turned his head to the left and stared at a skeleton. "Hey, quit slacking off and get back to work!" Then he smiled again and wandered off.
Our band resumed walking to the village. They passed several people who had draped a skeleton around their shoulders and were laughing maniacally. Most people were smoking pipes that had pungent red smoke coming out of them. They would inhale deeply, and then laugh or cry, and then some would drop to the ground or run off across the fields. Occasionally one would run through the fields, waving their hands, and then fall into the river, where they'd float downstream until the next village. The people of the other villages just pushed them back into the river so they could keep floating, far away from them. Sometimes a few would keep floating for weeks and reach the sea. At that point, mermaids with three eyes would attack and eat them.
The road wandered this way and that. Strange plants grew there. Some had long stalks with blue and red bulbs on top, some grew across the ground in mats, crossing each other to look like waffles. Pink trees grew, very wide but very short, as if they had been squashed. Nothing grew on the road, partly because of the traffic, but partly because they were afraid to cross the road. They had heard rumours about what happened to the chicken.
The road was crooked but eventually got to the village. The village gate had fallen down long ago, to be replaced by an old sheet that someone had scrawled 'PLENG' on. It flapped in the breeze as they passed through.
The village itself was best described as ramshackle. About two hundred people lived there. Some houses were empty, but nobody wanted to get some extra space for themselves, for fear it was haunted. Not all believed in ghosts, but everyone was afraid of the skeletons that lay everywhere, common as weeds.
Malarkey had heard of this place, but only vaguely. It had had another name, long ago, but nobody remembered what. They all looked at the people lazing around, and the skeletons sitting on chairs with amusing hats on their skulls. Sometimes a skeleton had a cigar between its teeth, or someone had drawn fake eyeglasses on it. The villagers just looked afraid of the bones now.
"Hey!" said Malarkey to a short doofus with big feet. Oh, and she had a propeller beanie on her head.
"What do you want?" she said.
"Well, what's your hilarious name? Why do the skeletons look funny? And where is the mayor whatshisname---", said Malarkey.
"Rumpy Cucamonga!" exclaimed Stumpy.
"---yeah, that guy."
The woman in the beanie, plopped carelessly on her tangle of red hair, took a puff and stared for a bit.
"Aaahhh!" she screamed. She cleared her throat. "Sorry, I had some ice scream earlier." She paused, waiting for the laughter. Nobody except Stumpy laughed. The woman pointed at him and smiled.
"My name is Clumpy Flapdroop. We don't know why the skeletons look funny. It probably happened a long time ago, before or after the strange light in the eastern sky, back when people weren't afraid of skeletons. Now we think they're spooky and they haunt empty houses and empty fields. And the mayor is in the mayor house. It's over there." She pointed at a house across the street that had a bright blue door with one big red eye in the middle.
"I think I'm in love," muttered Stumpy.
"Better not be," said Malarkey. "She could be your relative, or maybe haunted."
They walked over to the door and knocked. After a few seconds, it slowly opened with loud creaks.
A face peered out of the gloom. The eyes blinked, the mouth coughed. It looked exactly like an older version of Stumpy.
"Dad!" Stumpy said.
A shorter version of the same old face peered from behind the one in front. "Yes?"
Stumpy looked confused, then said, "Mom?"
All three burst into laughter and embraced.
Mayor Rumpy looked at Stumpy and his companions. "Come on in!"
...to be continued.
