"Allergies to being locked in?" asked Snarky.
"Yeah! Makes me all stuffed up and persnickety. I go bananas like a barrelful of monkeys."
"I think you're bananas," said Snarky.
Malarkey, dreading being responsible, held his hands up. "Fellas! Let's hold it together. It's probably just for our safety."
"Safety?" said Tinky, looking worried. "Against what?" He looked around, as if monsters were lurking under the elegant doilies.
"You don't really believe that, do you?" asked Snarky.
Malarkey winked and put his finger to his mouth. He mouthed, Someone may be listening.
Stumpy looked at this game of charades in confusion. "Why are you winking and putting your finger to your mouth?"
Everyone glared at him. Snarky punched him hard on the arm.
"Oww-oww!"
"Just shut up for once, okay, Stumpy?"
Everyone looked around their quarters. They truly were luxurious, far nicer than a banged-up submarine should be. Netting on the walls, chairs with ship wheels for backing, stuffed fish that had far too many teeth here and there. It even smelled a little like the sea.
"Wow, what's that smell? Seaweed and dead clams?" Stumpy held his nose. "I shall not stand for this outr---" Snarky piled on top of him before he could finish, pummelling him mercilessly.
"Look, gentle..." Malarkey looked at his companions, bedraggled and dopey-looking, and continued,"....Look, men, we're in a tight situation, see, and we've gotta use our domes to squeeze out."
"Why are you talking like that?" asked Tinky.
"And how are we gonna use our domes? You mean our heads? To bash out through the door?" Stumpy backed off before Snarky could pick him up and use him like a battering ram.
"No, I mean we have to use our brains to think our way out of this problem," said Malarkey.
"With this group?" said Snarky with a grimace.
"Everything's really blue in here...." said Tinky, looking around.
Malarkey continued. "Let's look around and see what we can find."
Everybody started prodding through the decorations and furniture. They discovered that while it looked nice, on further inspection it was all kind of cheaply made. It felt rough, and little bits flaked off.
"What a dump," muttered Snarky.
"Hey! Look what I found!" exclaimed Tinky, who was at the far wall. They all ambled over.
Tinky had pulled aside a small table that was in front of a wall hanging, a tapestry of an ocean scene, all whales and seagulls and mermaids, frolicking together with knives in their mouths. Behind it was an old rusty door, only about half the size of a normal one. For Tinky and Stumpy, it looked fine, but Snarky and Malarkey knew they'd have to duck if they went through it. They both knew that of course they were going through it. The story demanded it. Cruel author.
A low pounding sound, like drums except the drums were made of skulls, began to throb louder and louder. The door to their chamber began to open slowly. A thin beam of red light burst inside. Tinky screamed, Stumpy pissed himself, and Snarky and Malarkey looked at each other. A hairy, gnarled foot poked inside. The door creaked open.
It was one of Della's large henchmen, carrying a tray.
He smiled at them while also managing to look murderous.
"After dinner mint?"
Silence.
"We haven't eaten yet," said Snarky. "In case you haven't noticed."
The henchman's eyes roamed around. Bushy eyebrows rose up, as if it was all a surprise. A small laugh trickled out of his mouth.
"Oh yes, pardon me, I am not expert in social niceties. I realize there is a certain...order...to things. Forgive me. I shall exit henceforth." With that, he backed slowly out of the room. The door clicked shut, with a further sound that let them know the lock had turned again.
They all looked at each other.
"What was that all about?" said Stumpy.
"More weirdness," replied Snarky.
Malarkey turned back to the small, hidden door. "I think we should see where this leads." He gripped the doorknob and pulled. Nothing happened. He pulled again and with a small scream and a cloud of rust, it opened. They peered in. Darkness.
"I ain't going in there!" said Stumpy. Of course the other three shoved him in.
He yelled and fell to the floor.
"It's dark in here. Really dark. What's that on the floor? Ouch! It bit me! No, wait, I just stubbed my finger. Are those eyes staring at me? Do I hear teeth gnashing? What's that heavy breathing---" He didn't finish, because the heavy breathing was his companions, impatiently shoving past him.
"Get up!" they all said.
The narrow, dark corridor seemed to go on forever, although it was actually not very long. When you're in the dark in a dangerous place, you tend to exaggerate the fear. Not that any of them were afraid. Not this intrepid band.
At long last, and after Stumpy had been run over at least six times, they came to another door. Well, they banged into a wall and figured it must be a door, especially after they found a knob.
"Hey! That's my nose!" Stumpy said after the first mistaken grab.
They opened the door slowly...to reveal another room, not unlike the one they had left. It had one big difference, though. Della was there.
"Hi, fellows. Come on in. Took you long enough." She smiled.
They tumbled in.
"All right, lady. What's going on?" said Snarky with a snarl.
"Patience, patience. I told you all would be revealed. Please, have a seat."
After they had all taken a seat, Della began her story.
"Once upon a time, when I was a little girl..."
Snarky broke in. "Is this going to take all day? We have adventures to go on!"
She frowned. "Well, in the interest of brevity, plus the fact that bad people are around, I'll shorten it up. Anyway, after a life of peace and quiet, I decided I wanted some adventure. Not unlike you." She looked at each one of them. "Although your adventure seems to have happened to you, like falling off a cliff."
"You can say that again," said Stumpy. "I can't wait to get back home."
"Anyway," she continued, pushing some hair behind her ear, "I set off from home with a small amount of money in my pocket, a small suitcase with some clothes, and my hopes and dreams."
Snarky and Malarkey rolled their eyes a bit.
"This isn't going to be like a stupid TV movie, is it?" said Snarky.
"No," she frowned, "more like a horror movie. Plenty of danger."
"Oh, goody!" said Tinky.
"At first it was fun. I met a lot of interesting people," Della said. "At one place, a bar in the tropics, I met a group of young people, kids really, who said they had a treasure map. Treasure map! Well, that sounded exciting! So I fell in with them, following them as they roamed this large group of islands, most of which were small and uninhabited. There were rumours of cannibals, of course, but we laughed them off. That only happened in stories. As the weeks went on, and we were no closer to the treasure, I began to notice things. One, they weren't as young as I thought. They were just small people with young faces, but the faces were hard edged, like they'd lived a long life and had done a lot of bad things. Also, the rumours of cannibals weren't rumours. We encountered some people who, if they weren't cannibals, probably wouldn't mind killing us, and drinking our blood from our skulls. They didn't look like they were native to the islands, though. They looked more like....tourists who had gone feral. We started finding evidence on islands of terrible rituals and mass deaths. One night, one of our group disappeared, never to be found again. The rest of them didn't seem to notice. I mentioned it, but they shrugged and resumed getting back in our boat. Ah, the boat. I assumed it was theirs, something they had worked for, saved up and bought, but they didn't really seem to know how to sail it, and it was mostly up to me. I had sailed with my family when I was young, at our summer home on the lake, that is until...until..." She stopped to wipe a tear away.
She continued. "I asked them if we were getting closer to the treasure. They snapped at me and said I was along to sail the boat, not to ask questions. One night, though, when everyone else was asleep, one of them came to me and told me not to be too upset. They had been looking for this treasure for a long time, and never seemed to come any closer. It was making everyone short-tempered. They used to all be jolly fun-seekers, he said wistfully, it was all a lark, until this damn treasure started to control them. He asked me what year it was. When I told him, he was surprised. That much time had passed? he said. It seems like we've been in these islands forever. Again, he looked deeply sad. Why don't you give it up? I asked him. What, and give up show biz? he said. A dumb joke, he said. It's too late for us, but you---you should escape. Get away from the madness while you still can. So I did. At the next island was a small town, a village really, and I slipped away and got on another boat, one that was going far from the islands. I thought I had left it all behind, the treasure map madness. Maybe there wasn't a treasure after all. Maybe they were all just crazy, going around in circles. I don't know. I told the story to two men on the new ship. They seemed polite and friendly, and more amused by my experience than anything. They asked about my sailing skills. They said they had a submarine, something they had received from a man who owed them a debt but had no money, only this submarine."
She paused to take a sip of water.
"I wanted to get away, and this seemed like a calmer adventure. No crazy dreams of treasure, just piloting a boat underwater. Seems kind of crazy, too, but not that bad. So I went along with it. At first it was okay, we just sort of roamed the oceans for a while. Put into port for supplies and recreation. But then they started to act....strangely. They kept asking me more and more about the treasure. Did I know what it was? Surely I had to have some idea of where it was, or wasn't? I kept telling them I didn't know. I knew, of course, that they were mad, too. Mad with treasure fever. One night one of them let slip that the group I had left behind was in fact their cousins! They had heard about the mad quest, of course, but had contempt. Thought they were a bunch of bozos. We were smart, they said. We'd use scientific methods to find this treasure! Not just sailing around a bunch of islands like moths around a flame, bashing their heads in. So that's what I'm doing on this sub. Helping them. I want to escape and go home, but they're wily. You have to help me." She said this last thing with a pleading look in her eyes.
"Why should we trust you? How do we know you're not as mad as them?" said Malarkey.
"If I wasn't on your side, would I give you this?" she said. She pulled out a gun from her pocket. At least it looked like a gun, but with extra bits sticking out. "It's an energy weapon. I stole it from them. They have a whole room full of things like this. Take it!"
"And what are we supposed to do with it? Kill them? We're not murderers!" said Snarky.
"Oh, it won't kill anybody. Not if you set it to stun. See, this switch right here...", she showed them.
"Why don't you do it yourself?" asked Malarkey.
"They watch me all the time. But you, you're new. They think you're....uh....well, they think you're idiots. No offence." She grinned sadly. "You can take them by surprise."
None of the group wanted to stay prisoners on this underwater boat, so they began to consider it.
"When are we supposed to use this?" asked Snarky.
The door to this room began to open. Della tossed to the weapon to Snarky, who caught it awkwardly.
"Now would be a good time!" she muttered.
She turned to the door as the two large men entered. "Gentlemen! I have prepared our subjects for the experiment." She looked significantly at Snarky.
"Experiment?" said Tinky.
She laughed. "Hahaha! They are truly ignorant. Their minds are so soft and useless it would be no loss to erase and replace them with better minds! Pliable minds."
Our group looked confused. Della kept staring at Snarky, raising her eyebrows slightly. She waved her hands at the two men. "The time is at hand! The time to do this is now!"
She screamed at Snarky. "Now!"
Snarky was so startled that his finger squeezed the trigger and a beam of white light came out, bathing the two. They crumpled to the ground, paralyzed.
Della walked up to them to check. She kicked them in their sides, hard. Nothing. She turned to the group.
"We don't have much time. The effect will wear off in an hour or so, and the time bomb will go off before then."
"Time bomb!" they said in one voice.
"Yes. We're close to a port. Let's get off then and disappear into the town. You'll like it. It's full of people like you." She grabbed the gun back from Snarky. She smiled a little smile.
"These idiots had no idea how to find the treasure. Neither did the other idiots I was with before. But I've studied all the maps and I know exactly where it is!" She looked at them. "I am sorry I had to deceive you, but I still need you. And I am sorry for doing this."
She went to the door and stood there before she added, "I'll come get you in half an hour. We'll be at port then."
She then slipped out and locked the door behind her.
The group looked at each other.
"Aw, fuck," said Snarky.
...to be continued.
