Snarky Snapdragon was a tall, skeletal man dressed in shabby clothes. He didn't deliberately dress shabby, it's just that he didn't care. His hair was greasy, his skin was dirty, and his mouth was always turned down. He looked miserable, and he felt miserable. Except when he was messing people up.
Right now he was across the street from a group of colourfully dressed people, who were smiling and laughing. His teeth bared at the sight of them. He saw a break in traffic and darted across the street.
"Hey you!" he barked. "Stop that!"
The nearest member of the group, a short man with purple hair and flowers stuck in his ears, looked at Snarky.
"Stop what?" he said.
"That!" said Snarky, his hands waving over the group. "Stop being so happy and colourful. You're making me sick."
"But we're not doing anything except enjoying life right here on this sidewalk! We were enjoying life earlier on a grassy knoll, and in a bit, we'll probably be eating and enjoying that too!" said a tall woman with glittery eyes.
Snarky's eyes squinted. His right arm lashed out and smacked two of the group. He grinned triumphantly. But the people he hit didn't cry out, or cry, or do anything except keep grinning as glittery dust poofed from where Snarky had hit them. His smile faded.
"What the---?" he gasped. He hit some more of the group. The same thing happened. He produced a knife and slashed at them, expecting to see blood. But instead of blood, various small pieces of candy poured out. The people who were candy-bleeding looked down and scooped up some candy and ate it.
"Yummy! Now We'll feel even better with some candy in our tummies!" they exclaimed.
Snarky just stared at them, then suddenly took off down the street. After running a few blocks, he stopped to catch his breath. "This place is weird."
He looked up to see a restaurant. "Just the thing. I'm hungry from running and beating those freaks. At least I think I beat them."
He entered the restaurant, the doorbell tinkling a perky tune. He walked up to the counter and yelled at the person there, a teenage girl with what looked like jellybeans stuck to her face. "Gimme food!"
"Certainly, sir! I would be ecstatic to help you. What kind of food do you desire?"
"Meat! Lots of it. I have a lot of freaks to mangle later on."
The girl's smile paused for a moment, then came back full force. "One meat, coming up!" She pushed the buttons on the register, and every push made a sound. "La! La! La!" She skipped to the kitchen and sang a song about giving a customer meat and how that would make everyone so very happy. The cooks smiled and danced around and joined in on the song. After a few minutes of this, Snarky couldn't take anymore, and hopped over the counter.
"Dammit! You freaky jujubes are chewing on my guts! I hate people like you." He pulled out a gun and started shooting. The bullets hit the singing people, but instead of blood spurting out, red licorice came out, and instead of them collapsing on the ground and screaming and dying like they were supposed to, they just started eating the licorice. He pulled out his knife again and sawed off the head of the nearest cook. It bounced on the clean floor and then a new head grew from the neck and tiny legs grew from the head. Everyone in the place except Snarky started laughing.
"This is so funny and exciting!" they said joyously.
To put it simply, Snarky was shocked. Usually when he mutilated and killed people, they were maimed and dead. All this nonsense about candy blood and new heads was just stupid.
Nothing had gone right all day. Not since he woke up this morning, and his apartment was shining with bright sunlight, and all his furniture looked new. He knew for a fact, because he had chosen it deliberately, that his place was the nastiest, filthiest place in town. Rats were too embarrassed to visit. Local whores and pushers stayed away because it brought down their images. Even crooked politicians stayed at least four blocks away, because that was one scandal they couldn't weather. And that was the way that Snarky Snapdragon liked it. He was the dirtiest, meanest son of a bitch in town, and he planned to stay that way until the day he died.
"Goddamn candy blood," he grimaced.
Something had gone wrong with his town. He had to find out what happened. The first thing he thought of was to visit his old colleague (Snarky didn't have friends) Enver Dirtbagge. He left the restaurant and stole a car (the owner just laughed and said now he could find an exciting new car). Someone was going to pay for the candy blood.
...to be continued.
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