Snarky was in a foul mood. Nothing was as it should be. I mean, a man should be able to shout at people and kick them without them giggling and saying "Whee!". He had to find out what was going on, and he knew the perfect person, his friend Enver Dirtbagge. Enver knew everyone.
Snarky stood on the sidewalk and hailed a cab. At least he thought it was a cab. Instead of being yellow, it was purple with glitter. The wheels looked like little feet with cartoon shoes. Whatever, a ride's a ride. He hopped in.
"Take me to Grunt Street!" he snarled.
The cab driver smiled and said,"OK! That will be so fun. Such a funny name for a street!" He stepped on the gas and tooted the horn. The car's engine didn't go "vroom" and the horn didn't go "honk", but instead everything sort of sighed and tinkled. Snarky's frown deepened.
The taxi swooped merrily through various streets lined with candy-coloured buildings and happy, healthy people. Snarky wished he had a big scythe he could stick out the window and crop their tops like a farmer in a wheat field. But he thought sadly that more heads would probably sprout from the necks and the new faces would thank him for making today such a fun day. He could keep cutting off the heads, but more and more would grow until these bodies had bunches of heads, waving in the breeze, dozens of friendly voices all saying in beautiful harmony about how they were glad to have such a creative friend. He threw up a little bit in his mouth, and almost cried when the puke tasted like tapioca pudding.
Finally he saw his destination. Grunt Street, a short lane of one block, a dead-end street for dead-end people. "Let me out here."
The cab stopped and Snarky hopped out, saying,"You get no fare!", to which the taxi driver said, "That's all right, I'll probably write a song about this experience and grow as a person!"
"Of course...",trailed off Snarky.
Number 13, Grunt Street. The home of Enver Dirtbagge, the gruntiest person alive. What he didn't know wasn't worth knowing. Secrets? He was loaded with them. Snarky marched up to the door...which had a big flower painted on it, and there was a welcome mat that said "Welcome, Friend". Snarky made a point of grinding his dirty shoes on it. The dirt looked like Belgian chocolate. He sighed. He didn't bother knocking, he just slammed the door open and entered.
He shouldn't have been surprised, but was, when instead of a murky interior stuffed with mysterious objects of disreputable origin, all seeming to depict horrific acts, he found paintings of stuffed bunnies frolicking in sunny meadows, and statues of people grinning so hard their faces could have split open.
"Enver!" he hollered. "Enver! Where are you?"
A small, round man sauntered from behind a yellow curtain. "Ah, Snarky Snapdragon. Good to see you!"
"What, no insult?"
"Of course not, friend! Only smiles and compliments here. Have a seat."
Snarky and Enver sat down on plush red couches. "What can I do for you?"
"Something's really wrong with this town. It's all happy and perky and crap. I feel like I got sucked into the Twilight Zone, but it's all candy and teddy bears instead of creepy telekinetic kids and aliens with tentacles. I don't know what to do. Then I thought of you. If anyone knows what's going on, it's Enver Dirtbagge!"
"Well, first of all, my name is Enver Lovebagge, and second of all, things seem pretty normal to me. You have seemed a little cranky lately. Maybe you'd like a nice hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows."
Snarky just stared at Enver. "So you don't remember a run-down town filled with crooks, creeps, and cretins? I mean, like yesterday?"
Enver stroked his double chin. "Hm....no, I don't think so. But lately I have been a little foggy, so who knows."
Snarky glared at Enver, whose eyes suddenly started to shimmer as if they were going to explode, then they darted to the left.
"Perhaps you'd like to see some etchings I have recently purchased? They're in the back room," invited Enver.
Snarky stared at Enver, then sighed and followed him. As soon as they got into the back room, Enver shut the door and grabbed Snarky's jacket.
"Good lord, man! I've been going crazy trying to figure out what the hell's going on!" Tears streamed from tiny eyes. "I've asked everyone, but they all seem like zombies from the planet of Teletubbies!" He cried on Snarky's jacket.
"Well, quit yer blubberin' and let's figure it out," said Snarky. "You know, I did notice something weird in the eastern sky last night. I thought it was fireworks or another diaper fire or maybe I was just too drunk. It was a flashing light, sort of a circular effect. It's kind of odd, there being a light in the night sky in the east, when the sun's setting in the west. Did you notice anything?"
"No," sniffled Enver. "But then, I was drunk myself, in my basement, looking at some old Hardy Boys books. Man, Frank sure gets knocked out a lot. I wonder if he grew up with brain trauma from all those concussions?"
"Who cares!" yelled Snarky. "It's fiction! They can take blows to the head a million times and it doesn't bother them. And furthermore...."
He was interrupted by a loud sound coming from a door at the back of the room which led to the basement.
"What was that?" said Enver.
"It's your place, what're you asking me for?"
Loud, heavy footsteps sounded on the stairs, slowly coming up. Thump. Thump. Thump. The door from the basement slowly creaked open. The figure was shaded in darkness. It stepped into the light. Snarky and Enver both gasped at the same time and said in unison:
"You!"
...to be continued.
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