Snarky was startled. Enver and Stumpy were missing. How could that have happened? He didn't see or hear anything. This world that had been annoying was now mysterious. Well, that was better---he could work with that. He wiped his nose and thought.
"Well, first thing is to get a hotel room. I need a base to look for the guys from. Anyway, my goal is to find out what's happening to me and to find that mysterious guy somewhere." He thought that sounded stupid. How disloyal! Wait, he didn't care about crap like that. This goody world was poisoning him.
A knock was heard on the door. He looked out the window and saw nothing. Another knock. He opened the window and looked at the ground. A small disc was there. So what? As he was about the pull back into the window, a skinny snaky arm formed from the disc and extended to the door, paused, and knocked. He stared.
"Yeah? Whaddya want?" he asked.
A mouth formed on the yellow disc. It made an O. "Are yoooo going toooo park here all dayyyy?"
"Maybe. Why? You don't have a car." Snarky didn't know whether to laugh or step on the disc.
As he was deciding, the disc raised off the ground and four little wheels formed. Snarky swore he heard a "putt-putt" sound. He scratched his ear. "Fine! I just mysteriously lost two friends, you little dink. Glad to know someone cares." He pretended to be mad and glared at the disc, then pulled away from the curb.
He drove around for a few minutes, then found what he wanted: a hotel. It was small and grubby looking. It might collapse at any moment, but he didn't plan to move in with a wife and six kids and make a happy home. He couldn't tell if it was naturally black, or if that was just pollution. Either way, it looked cheap. The street it was on was cracked and garbage blew around; urban tumbleweeds. Nobody was on the street except for two spindly looking people at the other end of the block, dressed in some dark burlap. This neighbourhood looked like it might have been nice once, maybe even as recently as last month. Things sure had deteriorated quickly. The sun was blazing, yet the air had a chill to it. He parked the van and walked inside the hotel.
The interior was even worse. The lightbulbs were on their last legs, or were 5 watt bulbs, even though Snarky didn't think those even existed. There were some plants, decrepit and dusty. Were they real and dead, or fake and dead? He didn't care. Only two other people were in the lobby: another of those murky spindly people, all lines and sinews and impossibly upright, and the desk clerk. He walked to the front desk.
"Hey, I need a room."
The clerk kept staring at the floor for a few seconds, and then looked up. His eyes were unfocussed. Not drugged, just not present. "Room?" he quavered.
"Yeah, a room. You got one? I bet you do. I bet you got a lot of rooms available. And I bet they don't cost much. Am I right?" Snarky growled.
The clerk looked like he existed in a liquid medium, thick, salty liquid at the bottom of some ocean. One eye wandered around, then came back. His mouth opened, then closed. Finally, he listlessly pointed at the register. "Sign in."
Snarky scribbled something illegible, pulled out some change from his coat pocket, slapped it on the counter, and accepted the key that the clerk had produced. Snarky doubted it was the right key, or that it worked, but took it anyway. If nothing else, it'd be a weapon. The clerk's dark, greasy hair flopped over his eyes and then he dropped to the floor. He wasn't getting paid enough to deal with hair problems.
Snarky had no bags, just stuff in his pockets, so he headed for the stairs and found his room on the second floor. The spindly person in the lobby hadn't followed him, although he thought they might have. The air was much better up here for some reason. The atmosphere in the lobby reminded him of stories his grandfather had told him of the old country, where they burned dung and old tires for heat and light, and never understood why most people died in the dark and cold before the age of fifty. They also had a diet rich in vegetables, and since the road system was so terrible in the old town you would often take a wrong turn and end up in the countryside, where the air was marginally better. So it could have been worse.
The room was as dreadful as he expected, but he also didn't expect to be in it for long. He had to make a plan to find Stumpy and Enver, and hit the road. The room was small. It had a bed and a dresser. There was a small washroom off to one side, that was so filthy that washing was a joke. He lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, which was covered in cracks and small holes. He got up and looked out the window. The same spindly duo were at the corner. They looked up at him. He stared back. They shook their fists. He shook his fist. They bowed. He bowed. They took off suddenly around the corner. Now the only thing on the street was some garbage, which listlessly moved around. Another crack formed in the sidewalk, the closed up just as suddenly. Snarky turned away and sat on the bed again.
He felt hungry, so he searched in his pockets and found something he didn't remember putting in there. Stumpy must have slipped it in. It was a kind of bread, he thought. He bit it, and it tasted pretty good. Kind of lemony. He ate the whole piece, then lay down on the bed again, but turned his head away. The holes in the ceiling looked like bullet holes, or holes made by some giant insect. Snarky was tough, but things were getting a little weird. He closed his eyes.
He woke up abruptly, and everything was dark. He turned on the lamp that was on a tiny table next to the bed. The light was brighter than the lobby lights, but not by much. The room was still. The back of his neck crawled. The room wasn't as still as he thought. He looked around, but didn't see anything. His gaze returned to the table, and he jumped. Standing in the dim light was a man, or at least it looked like a man, if men were one foot tall and had rat whiskers and rabbit ears. Its nose twitched. They stared at each other for a long moment, then Snarky spoke first.
"What are you?"
The tiny man-thing frowned. "Well, that's fucking rude!" He grinned. "But that's OK. I get that a lot. I'm not really sure what I am, to be honest. I think I used to be a man, but obviously something happened. A few weeks ago---"
"Let me guess. There were mysterious lights in the eastern sky?"
"You saw them too? Good. Not everyone remembers, or cares." The little man-thing looked thoughtful. "My name's Tinky Dingbat. What's yours?"
Snarky stared, his mouth slightly open. "That can't be your name."
Tinky looked at him. "You're right. For some reason, I've forgotten my true name. This name came to me a few days ago. It seems really silly---I mean, Tinky? But it's better than nothing, or what the neighbour kids call me, which is Hey Fuckface. That gets me. So unimaginative. Not something creative like Rabbit Man, or Tiny Whiskerdoodle." He frowed again. "I think I used to be a teacher."
"Kindergarten?" asked Snarky.
"No, first year university. But I can't check, because where I think the university is supposed to be is now a crematorium. Things aren't as clear as they used to be. Have you seen those creatures, those spindly men? They don't look substantial enough to remain upright, and yet there they are, standing around everywhere, walking around corners. You know, I once saw one go around a corner, so I followed it, and when I turned the corner, it had vanished. What do you think about that?"
Snarky just stared. "Well, things sure have been strange lately. I was travelling with two companions. We had some vague idea that some man living in a cave on a mountain far away had some answers, but my two friends just vanished. Literally vanished from our van a little while ago. Did you say Tinky Dingbat?"
"Yes, why?"
"That's the name I used to sign in! I just made it up. It just came to me. Weird."
They stared at each other some more. Tinky spoke up. "Would it be OK if I robbed you now?"
Snarky started. "What? Why?"
"I'm starving! I can't get a job teaching anymore, nobody will give me any food, and my head feels funny all the time. I'm desperate!"
Snarky stood up. "Well, so am I! My world is upside down, people keep mysteriously appearing and disappearing, and I had some lemon bread a while ago that was the only food I had!" He looked at Tinky. He bent down and poked him in the belly. "You don't look like you're starving. That's a nice little paunch there, buddy!"
Tinky swatted Snarky's hand away. "Quit that! Yeah, OK, so I'm not starving at this moment. I actually had a pretty good meal earlier. Steak, potatoes and a salad with Black Forest cake for dessert and a snifter of brandy for an aperatif. But who knows how long this will last? OK, so I found a rich guy's mansion, stuffed to the rafters with food, but it could all go away for all I know. I'm thinking of my future."
Snarky growled. "What? I ate stale lemon bread, when I could be having steak and cake and booze? You little rat!" His hands reached out to grab Tinky, but the little man darted away.
"Hey hey now! Calm down. How about this: I won't rob you, but instead you can come with me to this mansion and we can both eat. Sound good?" He raised his hands.
Snarky stopped frowning. "Well, OK. But after we eat, we have to go find my friends."
"Sure, sure, no problem, guy." Tinky danced around. "I haven't talked to anyone sane in weeks. I was beginning to go a bit loopy." He stopped dancing and then a dark look crossed his face.
"And if anyone messes with us, we mess with them. Permanently." His mouth turned up at the corners, but it wasn't mirthful.
"Yeah, OK, whatever, man." Snarky rolled his eyes. This little pipsqueak wouldn't scare a sick bumblebee.
Since Snarky didn't have any bags, just coat pockets now slightly emptier, he and Tinky left the room and went downstairs. He looked over the counter, and the clerk was still on the floor, not moving. Was he dead? Snarky didn't care to find out. He grabbed the change he had left for the room, and turned around. The spindly man wasn't there anymore, but there was one more dusty old plant. The two of them left the drab hotel.
Tinky looked up at Snarky. "That your van? Cool. I'll tell you where to drive. It's not far, but then again, it's not close and these streets aren't safe anyway."
They got in, the van started with a cough and off they went.
Unseen by them, they had a passenger. One of the spindly figures was hanging from the underside of the van, tucked in close. As the van turned the corner, more of the dark figures detached themselves from the shadows and followed, moving faster than any natural living creature could.
...to be continued.
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